WRITING on Breathing
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take breath seriously when I do have a problem to solve and without returning to breath I do not even know what is going on.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining here as breath all the time because the fear apparently persuades me with logical reasoning that I trust the already manifested programming within myself wherein I am like automatically able to do things what is required in this human society to live meaning earning money and interacting with others what I do not do within breathing but within disregarding breathing while focusing on thoughts, feelings and emotions.
- I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breathe within this moment here when I am typing this sentence having multiple excuses why I am not aware of the breath of me as in breath, hold, out breath, hold while no thoughts occupy me to a degree that I forget my decision to be aware of this cycle of in,hold,out,hold breath.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard breath within consideration that while thinking I am incapable of be aware of the breath because a thought renders to me an other thought and it is a tube of thought-pattern-line within what I am unaware of that I fear and a breath-holding happens, wherein I do not breath as fully as for instance doing so while sleeping but a tiny in breath, a tiny hold, a tiny out breath wherein I focus so much on thoughts that I take breathing granted and not realizing that I suppress physical breath as much as I disregard physical reality within the prioritizing of inner reality of thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I’ve found an effective way writing out stuff – I write, I stop, I breathe, I let all go – and then I see another point within the same context – I write that down too within Self-forgiveness – and then when I am stopped – for instance blocking or distracted or occupied – I let everything go – and then when I am here again – I continue within seeing within myself the next point and then write that down too – no force, no intent – no energy – however it is very sensible ‘state’ – not even state but an attitude – with any anxiety, shame, regret, fear, hope or desire blows away this process and I go into reaction systems and for a while I disregard myself ‘here’. Sigh.
And the days I ‘live’ – it is quite full with these programs – what I am not even aware of fully – but I just see I shift, and then I do things – and then time passes – and then at one point I am at the same point again – it’s like timeloop.
Also I’ve noticed that I start to write daily and then I do not walk through points – and then next day I do not continue the point but another I start and then some I’ve started what I did not walk fully through – until Day 50 I’ve decided to just flow and see what comes – and then take a discipline through the already started ‘topics’.
There are so much possible things to write about – so many mindfuck I start to see within myself and others – so I am prioritizing.
I start to see which characters have resistance to writing out as self-forgiveness – and it is not only of outer circumstances. Some internal processing I ‘do’ within what I shift.
Also I’ve noticed how computer programming is exactly the same how humans program their minds as:
String nice=’When a child smiles innocent’;
String whatISee=blink(); //what my eyes see I capture it in the moment
if(whatISee equals nice) then feelGood;
Repeat a program until a condition – or infinite cycle
repeat (programmed life) until death;
Obviously there needs much more to describe the mind but basically with these things it is possible.
There are variables like ‘myMood’ – what can be re-defined by conditions within loops.
There are sub-programs what process stuff – whether as the body or as the internal mind – returning with obvious result – or with no apparent result.
And the definition part also can be much more complicated for instance the definition of ‘nice’ – can be specified with another words like ‘nice’ + ‘woman’ or ‘nice’ + ‘tree’ – and then that have a pre-defined ‘value’, what then will again determine outcome of outcomes of conditions also defined by another definitions – what are triggered by other programs – or by physical input for instance touch, smell, sight.
By these principles computer programs are built from simplest to most complicated ones.
I have a fascination for perfect programmed systems – for instance modern computer games – wherein there is always a dynamic system what almost literally ’emulates’ some sort of ‘life’ – however it is always limited and after a while it is predictable in a way – in a shooter game – how the ‘enemy hides beyond a tree and looks out and shoots’ – how the simulation is programmed.
The same with my mind – for instance if a girl moves within skirt upon a stairs I have programmed myself to look up.
That can be decomposed and within self-honesty understand the definitions, the conditions, the loops and with Self-forgiveness I can back-track the origin and the creation and become aware of the self-automation to be aware of what is required to let go, to delete, to remove in order to purify myself to start living simply by remaining here within and as breathing.
Also I’ve noticed that I do not really do many things ‘out of blue’ – for instance drinking coffee – I did not drink it for a while about 3 months – and then at points I made note that ‘soon I might will drink it’ – and then ‘I might drink it when the summer is here and there is hot’ – and also -‘I might drink it but not for work but at home when writing or filming’ – and then I was filming at a concert last week and there was no tea – and then I asked for coffee – I see it is not coincidence but consequence of the small things as 1+1=2. It is relevant also to write down.
And today I bought coffee and made it for myself and had two already and in fact I ‘feel’ it – I am different a bit physically and in mind as well – I can relate to being high for marijuana – I assume then I use it for similar reasons – being high – being able to do things without ‘being tired’/’off energy’/ and ‘remain focused’ -‘having a push’ or something like that while I disregard breath here.
I’ve also started to notice the benefit of daily writing – since started this blog, I write about weekly/twice a week – but as I write daily – the faster I ‘progress’ on decomposing the mind – if I ‘give’ the time to myself for doing so – meaning ‘investing’ to getting to know myself and being able to have a direction and principle for self-correction.
And then at days I am not writing – should be investigated what was the reason not gifting myself for progressing within self-realization within self-honesty within the practical way of sharing here.
Today for instance I’ve wrote the first, breathing, Self-forgiveness part on train while traveling – and the others just now – but meantime I even had the thoughts of ‘I have resistance now to continue’ – what at least not took over to the whole day but for long hours and here now I’ve continued it.
Alright – so that is for today and I also will continue on Self-correction of some previous posts as well with the decomposition of how exactly disregarding breathing myself here within specific circumstances.