[JTL 36] Echoing in my mind

When I am not absolutely clear and sure that I did the right thing – or even in the moment I felt like or I was sure that in that moment it was alright, but then I shift personality or I feel screwed or I just do not remember exactly how and what I did – I allow myself to echo words in my mind.
Also it can happen when something was apparently really good – then I am just re- and redefining it within as good and I can be obsessed with this for some moments at certain situations.

This might seem as not intentional, I just happen to be realizing that I am experiencing words being ‘echoed’ within and then I say STOP and then I stop.
And there is a deliberate form as well: for instance an email I’ve wrote and it was important and I was not sure that it is a great idea to send but I did so then I’ve re-read it for a couple times and see my reactions within.

It is also ‘happens’ when I end a conversation with somebody what was judgmental within myself – or I am feeling like I could judge it but I did not; or I did suppress myself and I was not really aware what was my reaction – it was like I did feel something and ‘now’ it’s gone – suppressed into my body yet I WANT to feel what was that – and then those words echo in my head.

I am not even sure in all times why exactly happens, for different scenarios I assume it happens for different reasons but the core of it it’s obvious that I’m stuck for some moments and not comprehending so then repeating the words to react – and to react more.

It is just a method to be obsessed with words and generate energy within compounding towards specific energetic reactions meanwhile reality goes on but myself not really.

Also it happened like in a moment I responded to someone with words and I felt like awkward what I said – or somebody on the street while I was passing by said something to me – and when I heard it I was busy thinking or focusing or doing something different meanwhile I ‘heard’ the words but it was like those words went into a ‘queue’ within my mind and after processing the current thought-stream, those words actually ‘got me’ and then I react – and that also can ‘repeat’ for a while.

The first time I was really aware of it when I started to smoke MJ in about 2001 and with mates listening this Depeche Mode: Useless remix: with the lyrics: “Echoing in my mind…”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my thoughts and within expressing myself as thoughts believing that I am expressing myself who I am and not realizing that the very manifestation of thoughts is self-suppression within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat within my head what I felt like it was difficult to face and wanting to repeat until I am sure that I am facing it ‘properly’ meanwhile in fact I react within myself with fear to face and wanting to fear less and less by facing it again and again until nothing I feel and I can ‘go on’ in the next moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from feeling something as bad therefore wanting to face it until I do not feel anything within the belief that then I do not feel bad, I am free of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within energetic reactions within I manifested myself as not being able to remain silent within when experiencing something what I’ve defined as not good and wanting to comment it or have a thought about it to equate or balance out the apparently negative energy of fear with something what at least what make sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define positive within any experience even when I do not find the experience comfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experiences as negative when experiencing fear regarding to the experience – by using thoughts, memories, pictures, physical resonances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from change when facing fear and not realizing that within defining what I fear as negative – in fact I place myself into a situation wherein I do not/can not change because I separate myself within perception from the physical experience by defining it and judging it as positive and negative and then according to that forming personality how to handle such definitions within regarding to physical reality experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can discipline and direct myself to STOP following and accepting and allowing the self-definitions within positive and negative in any moment if I am aware of what is here within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with positive and negative within my mind what I experience as negative, dark, fearful – instead of understanding it and use common sense and remain all ways here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest to myself absolutely that within myself as mind as judged as dark I use and become addicted to energy regardless of it is positive or negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because becoming addicted to energy regardless of judged as positive or negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the fact that deep inside my mind it does not matter that the energy I experience within by thoughts, feelings and reactions that it is positive or negative – it is just energy what I’ve allowed myself to strive for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as joy when thoughts are echoing in my mind regardless of what is the subject of the thought, regardless of what is the reason of the thought manifesting and influencing and in fact directing me on the physical level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuck in my mind as thoughts when I am not absolutely clear within instead of using common sense and let go the want to repeat and echo thoughts within my mind in order to re-energize, re-experience, re-define, re-feel re-think something regardless of as it seems as positive or negative – I breathe, I direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that thinking and allowing words within myself is not intentional, it just happens, I am experiencing words echoing in my mind and not realizing that I am responsible for accepting and allowing it meanwhile I disregard physical reality here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to re-experience what happened already within self-definition by thoughts and words echoing and repeating within to see that what really happened and trying to learn from it and seeing it was good or bad to be able to learn from it by how I judge myself and not realizing that what happened is done and how I judge it is not real but of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be sure and clear and aware of how and why I allow words echoing in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-read, re-watch my expression what I did in the past to try to judge and re-define it and see that it was good or bad or parts of it was good or bad, cool or uncool and trying to learn from it to make sure that next time I will do better and not realizing that the over-analyzing the past based on self-judgments is not assisting and supporting me but making me living in the past and being obsessed with what I’ve done is irrelevant if I am disregarding here meanwhile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with words and generating energy within meanwhile disregarding physical here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself how and what I did as awkward and then echo the words what I did as awkward to define myself as awkward again and again and again until I do not define myself for it as awkward in the belief that then I am not awkward because I believe myself to be who I judge myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I judge myself for and believing it as real and not being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of how I’ve evolved my mind within by drugs and how I’ve defined myself through experiences with drugs and not being aware of how I’ve defined myself to be regarding to how I am experiencing words echoing in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the song of Depeche Mode Useless and defining it as myself and the whole scenario with the ‘it’s beginning to hurt’ with thoughts echoing in my mind and not realizing that I can stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience more than me because experience seems more real than me by defining it and then becoming addicted to define experience and define myself as experience being defined by words and not realizing that I’ve developed personalities within compressed self-definition systems by defining definitions within based on words and real life events what then I’ve defined as myself.

Alright – from here this will be a drug-related continuation wherein I walk through the effects of the specific drugs regarding to thoughts echoing in my mind and the slicing experience of perceived time moments thought by thought what made me define this experience as cool and enjoyable because being the sign of my mind falling apart and getting my moment of apparent ‘no mind’ and ‘freedom’ therefore defining echoing in my mind as cool and never actually seeing what is the source, the core of myself doing such deed.

I commit myself to investigate, research, look, become intimate with myself and exploring self-honesty about the relationships I’ve defined within for the ‘echoing in my mind’ words.
I commit myself to walk through the positive and negative experiences within and see the core of thoughts why and how I’ve manfiested within what starting point for what specific circumstances the self-suppression within petrification within fear and what methods I’ve manifested as personality to overcome and bandage my deepest experiences having in this existence as fear from separation, fear from others, fear from myself, fear from being myself and in fact fear from fear without even realizing that the fear is simply separation from what is here within equality and oneness.

I commit myself to expose all my mind activities regarding to how I am utilizing both the positive and negative energies within to remain within and as consciousness of personality and characters what automatically react to specific circumstances and situations within the inner judgment of positive and negative towards it and towards the situations by thoughts of words and understand all of myself and writing it all down, putting everything in front of me and becoming aware of all the self-accepted manifested separation from myself and breath by breath stopping participating within and as fear as perceived separation.

When and as I experience that I am repeating words as thoughts, as echoing within myself, I stop, I breathe, I let all go and I re-align myself with and as the physical, the body, breathing, considering equality within practical presence.

When and as I define thoughts echoing in my mind, or realizing that I do repeat something within – I slow down inside, and if required I physically stop for a moment and allow myself to let go all within until I am clear and continuing to act here.

When and as I feel like ‘the nail stuck'(gramophone) within my head – for instance when someone says something what I’ve defined as hurts – I stop repeating it and stop imagining that the person is saying it again and again and again – and I allow myself to understand it and see what causes within – and if causing thoughts coming up – I stop that within self-direction and express myself in and as the physical – within acting or speaking or even ‘just’ within breathing actively without fear from being too raw or crazy.

When and as I fear from facing the things what I’ve defined as negative – I realize that all definitions are lies within – that the reality is not dependant and on definitions – that the fact is fact regardless of defining it as positive or negative – therefore I stop for a moment and look into myself that what is the reason and the core of defining something as negative from what starting point and for what outcome within absolute self-honesty and realizing that anything comes up within I can apply the same: I forgive myself and I let go myself what is not fact but of judgment because any self-judgment I’ve realized is irrelevelant within for remaining here and acting withint he consideration of all participants for my current context of reality.

When and as I fear from facing consequence within the physical – I realize that is already here – and fear from consequence implies self-judgments regarding to negative polarity already and therefore I allow myself to understand such act within without fearing from losing presence and fearing from losing myself in madness within ‘fly down’ into the pit of negative-based self-definition systems of myself what driving me to always strive towards the other polarity as ‘positive’ without questioning it as myself.

When and as I experience words echoing in my mind – I stop it within Self-direction, I stop following the words as thoughts, I stop disregarding physical reality, I stop disregarding common sense within any self-judgment and I re-align myself here breathing and acting as I’ve realized that following thoughts as words echoing in my mind is in fact energetic addiction with the starting point of fear from myself, fear from already manifested consequences, fear from the unknown, what is not supporting me, what is not really me as Life.

So I will continue this thread with using the Lyrics of the song mentioned here as seeing that is being quite specifically describing what I experienced with specific drugs and how I’ve defined myself according to that and still defining the whole act of deliberate self-sabotage by justifying thinking with mind-effects as cool and groovy meanwhile in reality I am simply stuck within specific fear.

Thanks!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s