Alright, let’s get direct within writing out the manifested consequences of my most bugging self-dishonesty today:
My right forearm.
It has been an issue since last year I’ve broke some muscle tissues within an overhauled exercise.
There was a time when my arm was unusable – after that my relationship went off – I wanted agreement but could not manifest, so then the relationship was not standing and it was gone. My arm was still unusable.
I had to get specific treatment, steroid syringes week after week until I was able to wipe my ass at least and start writing again.
Since November I’ve stopped taking steroids, it became better but since that it did not heal perfectly – still having issues what originates from the shoulder – there is a point what has an immense compound within stress – and when I’ve got a massage there – the release started but it is does not really useful if I re-create it every day by holding onto a stress within.
Within sport activity I’ve noticed, when I have to do something defined ‘strong’ and ‘hard’ and ‘difficult’ – I close my right arm fist and really stress it – regardless of for instance when I am just kicking a ball – this ‘from right shoulder down to my palms’ strain and grip and stress – what I use like a computer game hero within ‘spelling the energy into my special ability’ for a ‘supercharge’.
And I assume – haha — I have to assume as I’ve never been really aware of this since I am on Earth – so then I assume that I’ve been doing this since I’ve emerged – so that’s why it is compounded within the accumulation of 1+1=2 to a degree when my body as Life as Physical can not handle it so issues arise, just like muscle tension even break. So let’s investigate my mind and body relationship, geometry and symbolism for a while:
Within Structural Resonance:
Forearm: fear of loss.
Fascinating: fear of losing partner, fear of losing myself, fear of losing self-definition of who I am as consciousness system within relationships. Relationship is not BAD – but manifests undeniable consequence within reality which is The Physical.
The only stable reality at least it can get the Capital letters – as what we are really doing within this so called Capitalistic system but manifesting consequences of consciousness systems within and without our human physical body as the current eco-no-me-c system we manifested the already existing relationships within: with out as equal as one.
Fear of losing the current status quo within the system – fearing losing what we apparently already ‘having’, ‘holding onto’ – which is the consequence of our starting point of energy of positive and negative which is of and as: fear.
From the starting point of fear – nothing really matters but fear itself as the only thing what directs it all – fear of losing fear from self itself – what else can we fear but ourselves as in fact we always experience ourselves – it is common sense that I only can experience what is me – if I would experience something what is not me – then how I could experience it?
Or I can say, I can perceive the other – but within perception what do I really see but myself?
There is no such thing as separation – but self-reflection within the starting point of our expression – fearing from fear itself as within fear we already see that nothing will remain what we participate within – yet we do not stop, yet we do accumulate, we manifest consequences.
Back to this particular human physical body as my-self: So I fear losing who I’ve defined myself to be – fear of losing the fear of self as without fear I actually stop being myself as fear – I as perception stop and I as Self I face as consequence.
Fear of consequence as fear from shame and therefore fear from change.
What I can come up not really wanting to lose and what is the excuse for why not is problem in fact yet still looping myself within?
-fear from losing current partner – yet if I would so – I would find an other partner more specifically than with her I did and formed a some sort of emotional relationship what is not BAD but at times I allow to direct me and not supporting us and then when I perceive that I can not directly change it to an equal and one direct support by stopping emotional waves – I am wanting to end it but this one I really want yet I keep disagreeing with her many times yet still I want ‘this one’=’her’ – and sabotaging natural growing as life within both by manifesting and suppressing conflicts within and without
-fear from losing my music/video instruments/gadgets by fear of not having money if I stop working like a slave – yet I am sure that I could re-gain these or even ‘better ones’ if I would really need – yet it was some time for accumulate that money for be able to gather and possess – yet if I would lose these, I would really push myself to get a salary tenfold and get those back asap, yet I want more money but that would mean less time to have for arts but I want both, time and money yet I do not really push this point and still wait for more frustration to fuel myself to change indirectly or just hoping for luck within the casino system
-fear from people deny me because I am too hard on them by not accepting their bullshit and misunderstand me – yet I am fully sure about the points I walk within common sense – but I am not constantly physically expressing so – therefore I want to ‘wait’ to be myself – however this wait frustrates me but within frustration I energize myself to move yet I want to deny this energy because without that I do not move as absolute decision – then the energy compounds and then bursts with no consideration and in fact with some points I already do walk within energy-independent-decision yet with some not really and not deciding to totally stop myself each time I am eating myself up within self-judgment about anything
-fear from not having enough time/resources for expressing myself and manifesting my desires what are mostly:
-do some more sexual exploration with some fantasy-related domain
-do more music and learn more to express myself with musical instruments
-do films/movies about my process and the realizations I stabilized within and use the already manifested film industry memes to weave my personal fun and psychology and horror and of course desteni points of views
-having a relationship within I can trust myself and the other without any fear and any hope but stable physical standing
-fear from inconvenience and solitude and pain and losing my mind as who I defined myself to be and desiring after pain and hell and terror within what I would start to move myself as when all shitstorm and pain happens I always move effectively
I’ve just started today learning the ability of relaxing my body breath by breath, part by part as Esteni and Bernard suggested to AliReza for 3 months at least while it is a natural breathing presence ability and I am committing myself to do this every day and write out all the stuff what comes up meanwhile and must be forgiven unconditionally.
So the first stuffs I’ve noticed:
-Energetic buzzing and pricking arise from within when breathing and relaxing the parts – like a Miyazaki(Chirio) anime I can say an entity, an energetic ‘fog’ flies out from the body part what I relax and starts to move around within my body as energetic tension – and as it walks around – I face inner reactions, such as thoughts, what I must be done or what I have not done so I just realize I’ve decided to work on that – in this morning I’ve faced so much self-dishonesties what I ‘should’ work on and it was the impression that if I remain breathing and here and self-directive – I can let go the fear from forgetting these unless I think of them all the time – as I am always here I can embrace all and re-member my dis-membered parts of myself for the unification as human physical body and mind and life force as equal as one.
-remembering my first partner who with I was with university and she was learning auto-gen training, within some sort of NLP and body relaxing she was learning that and after that teaching/coaching others to do so – and when I am doing it, I always associate this with her – as thoughts
-I’ve noticed that at times within my process, from time to time I realize that I disregarded my human physical body and working always on the mind stuff, wanting to release and maybe in fact I am effective that much so then this time I have a ‘window’ of opportunity to ‘see beyond my mind’ and experience and support and assist my human physical body – so the time has come when I can stabilize this body as myself and support myself from different angles simultaneously and unifying all here as self
-to be continued ;))))