Journey to Life, writing and sharing within self-honesty day 19.
This is supporting as context:
Yesterday I was observing myself how and why I accept myself within inner conflict.
It looks like whenever I am perceiving some sort of choice – I take my time within between the possibilities – I am trying to figure out what would be the best to choose. And that I am processing. And processing. And meanwhile I am making it as a Conventional warfare – the two armies marching up on a hill slowly and then looking at each other for a while and then after some deep sighs – and the battle begins and I am in the middle of it.
Each pros and cons has their own energetic value and on the battlefield what is my mind I diminish because I am busy with giving the space and time for making the apparent best decision.
Yesterday it was a bit different however, because in this specific situation – I want both – I do not want to choose, I want to have it all but it is not possible as I am in fact forced to choose by myself because fearing from consequences. In this current scenario for me to have an easy context: Woman. Relationship. Sex. But first things first:
Remembering from Matrix II:
'Choice. The problem is choice.'
Literally. The problem is that I perceive any choice within myself – because who I really am is not a choice – if it would be – I could choose something what is not really me. It doesn’t work like that. I always and certainly DO or don’t DO things regardless of the inner conflict of pros and cons. Regardless of my perception about I do have a choice and that is being decided by my thoughts, feelings, emotions – those are predictable – so even if I am not aware of the starting point and the consequence of participating within ‘my’ ‘internal feedback system’ – I must admit: it is still what it is – having these energetic reactions what are like numbers and equations and with my mind I am solving this ‘homework’ and then I get to a conclusion and then I define myself as ‘free’ because by those limited and predictable self-created and self-compounded energetic participation within self-dishonesty as a matrix of self-judgments I am doing the same what computers do: compute because here where I stand within my self-created complicated system I can not directly see what I want, what I am, so I use this system within and in fact as me to make the apparent choice by processing all information and meanwhile within the perception of the ability to choose, I feel better – I feel that my ‘life’ is in my ‘hands’ and I can decide things by myself.
And the reality is way far from it.
Because I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the definition of myself from what I am here physically, I do have an extra layer between myself and physical reality wherein I can pretend to become knowledge and information and by having a certain way to judge my information(what is also in fact self-definition as knowledge and information) I am clinging on to not make decisions in the moment directly by simply being aware of who I am and what I want and what I do not want – that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide behind layers of regulations, rules, exceptions, judgments, excuses and justifications to simply be able to ‘have some time’ experiencing myself as apparently I am not directly responsible, I can choose regardless of the exact circumstances and the pre-programmed current state of myself by and as, through and surrounded by thoughts, feelings and emotions, memories, reactions, energetic movements etc.
Alright, I start with this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question myself when I accept and allow conflict within and as me because this is what was being taught by the family I’ve grown up physically within, this is who I’ve defined myself to be when started to mimic, imitate, and that’s why I’ve copied and unquestionably repeated the same pattern throughout my entire life until this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever questioning the participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions because all I’ve ever known and seen by humans around me is the same so I’ve judged them and I’ve judged myself that this is who we are, this is who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I stop expressing myself even for a moment – I am processing within because all the layers I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define who I am is so complicated that I can not see through, I can not directly experience myself here and why would I need to split myself and wanting to make the best choice according to my previously accumulated thoughts, feelings and emotions when it is obvious now already that these are conditional, not constant as the physical is and whenever I’ve followed them instead of directly trusting myself here and even if making a some sort of mistake(meaning judging myself with a more deeply existing layer of self-definition and personality-matrix-rule as ‘bad’), simply directly as Self without any separation or seclusion or split – always trusting myself here and keep expressing myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined interesting and intense to observe battles and wars within the current human systems – yet judging it as ‘disgusting’ because in fact humans killing humans in the name of self-righteousness and never realizing that in fact I am doing the same within and as my human physical body by participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions by deluding myself with the perception of choice what I make by this invisible energetic warfare as equal as one: what is within is what is with out.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the most practical way to stop battling myself is to write everything down, out and putting all what I ‘contain’ and represent, perceive and experience by and as words and then I can directly see, realize, experience what actually I am doing in one moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do this self-delusion about apparent choices to actually ‘steal some time’ for being able to define myself within a secluded and limited mind-container where within I have the self-definition of I am not directly responsible, I can do whatever I want, I can make my own life to happen, I am the director of my life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ALWAYS be aware that regardless of what I do or don’t do: I am always equally and entirely responsible for what I do or don’t do within and as this physical existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually being aware of that I am doing this conflict within myself and step by step preparing myself and accumulating myself to the point of battling and the solution would be not accepting myself as conflict within, but immediately stop, and re-align myself with and as direct physical presence and expression.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that it is not a choice to give up conflict within me but wherein I’ve accumulated myself to be to experience myself by the thoughts, feelings, emotions currently – I am not aware of that I am in fact already stopping myself within conflict by becoming aware exactly what I am doing and the reason I do is the energetic reaction within what makes me stressed, anxious and frustrated simply because of the irritation towards myself that I still do not trust myself right here in every moment of every breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within decision and facing directly the consequences because of the resonant fear from making mistakes and the responsibility what I want to avoid for the consequences because if I would so then I would face that I cannot really accept myself as the way I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and then I would have to change, entirely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I do not know what will happen, I do not know what I will do, I can not judge the future myself because that I’ve never walked actually, physically, and that makes me face the fact that until this point I was unable to really, absolutely, entirely trust myself within and as the moment because of the addiction towards Self-judgments, towards in fact Self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have never ever accepted and allowed myself to trust Self-honesty as myself directly here in every moment of every breath because that can not be judged, can not be predicted, can not ‘create a time-space within my mind wherein I can delude myself with the lack of responsibility’ and the ‘delusion of I can skip facing the consequences for what I’ve became, what I am doing, what I am not doing’ within and as existence.
I forgive myself that I have never actually allowed to forgive myself really, physically, entirely, irreversibly by making the absolute, unwavering, unchanging, consistent decision to stop something within and as myself no matter what about transcendence points I already investigated, researched, assessed, cross-referenced and it is already clear that unless I do not make this ‘leap of faith within and myself as eternity as life’ – I will run in circles facing the same points again and again and again and the system what I am currently accepting and allowing myself to be (perceived) will compound, accumulate and direct me into circumstances wherein the truth of me will be more and more obvious until I really change.
This I can say ‘problem’, because within accepting and allowing myself to be as I’ve just explained – is not what is best for me and it is clearly not what is best for all. So I simply breathe and let myself to re-align myself with the principle of what is best for all within equality and oneness as life regarding to this point as myself as equal as one as existence without any self-judgment, with no else reason or interest but who I really-really am as Life.
When and as I notice that I am walking towards conflict – I stop, I re-align myself with and as myself as moment as breath as human physical body as expression and I realize it is deliberate, it is actually myself accumulating energetic inner reactions by thoughts, feelings and emotions what will conclude and direct me into conflicts within I have to process through myself of layers of Self-accepted Self-dishonesty because within the moment of being lost within Self-judgments I am unable to directly see who I really am and what is best for all.
When and as I realize that I am uncertain about myself or something within myself – I stop, I breathe, I realize it is because I participate within thoughts and feelings and emotions which by I am unable to trust myself in and as moment directly and that is not directly what is the best for all, so I literally stop within, I rel-align myself with and as my human physical body as breathing, as expressing and remain undefined even if it means that I do the 4 count breathing.
When and as I start the 4 count breathing and thoughts arise, I stop to participate, I realize each time I accept and allow a thought within that by accepting and allowing a singular thought, it is accumulating into losing my physical and real presence – and in fact I as myself am accumulating myself into instability, into not practically changing but wanting to change yet not being absolutely and directly and simply practical within stopping myself.
When and as I accept a thought after accepting a previous thought, I realize I am in the pattern again with the justification of ‘I am busy’ ‘I have to work all day’, ‘I do not have time for investigating and forgiving each singular thought’ yet wanting to stop, becoming obsessed with the stopping without actually stopping and then I start to suppress, I start to become less and less aware of what I am actually doing because within the belief that when I am not aware of my thoughts, I am clear, I am real, and then I must write that out, each thought.
When and as I fear from actually taking my ‘precious’ time for investigating and stopping each singular thought because apparently I have dozens, hundreds, thousands – I realize and become aware without actually forgetting that I can accumulate Self-direction, Self-presence, Self-will and where I am here now experiencing myself is also the accumulation of the single mathematical equation of 1+1=2.
When and as I fear from spending my entire life on investigating singular thought manifestations as apparently I would have thousands of them still participating within – I realize that most of my thoughts are recurring, re-occurring, and there are a handful of original ‘sins’ what I repeat yet not being aware of it and using it as an excuse that how I could be aware of the starting point of each of my thoughts? Yet I’ve proven that it is actually possible.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that by fearing from not having time to do the things what I actually do because I would investigate and forgive and re-align myself with singular and connected thought manifestation – in fact I follow a pattern what I am directly aware of that is not really me but at this moment doing automatically without actual self-life-awareness.
When and as I use an excuse for why I do not write down the self-dishonesty I’ve been participating within my day or in the last day – I realize actually I accumulate two things:
-the self-acceptance within and as physically manifested self-dishonesty
-the accumulation of self-abdication, self-frustration of not standing up for and as myself as life unconditionally.
I commit myself to investigate all thoughts, feelings and emotions what is directing and ‘taking the time’ to process within any situation by applying self-honesty, writing and using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements.
I commit myself to investigate all excuses and justifications why I do not walk through resistances to really change and to really walk into and as direct moments here and remain undefined.
I commit myself to be able to immediately stop any inner reaction regarding to the perception of choice and scripting myself to specific physical circumstances to be able to have a structure and a support temporally for and as myself to remain undefined.
I commit myself to not fearing from remaining undefined as I’ve proven to myself already several times that the only thing I can trust is my human physical body remaining absolutely and clearly undefined within and as moment as me, breath as me by letting go all thoughts, all feelings and all emotions.
I commit myself to share my realizations about how and why thoughts, feelings and emotions are the poison of humanity regardless of any self-interest and the truth of our manifested consequence of accumulation within such self-dishonesty and the solution is in fact simply, direct, here to absolutely and entirely stop.
(Understand I do not say everyone should just do everything ‘in the moment’ without consideration of responsibility and consequences – for instance to start building a a mile long bridge without planning, structuring, effective practical pre-production – it is when one is allowing thoughts and feelings and emotions constantly and having uncertainty and the body is stressed and disregarded and the ‘oh shit wtf now’ experience is here for minutes/hours/days/years — you know what I mean but if not, then write about it and see it for yourself.)