[JTL 14] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 2

So experiencing myself intensified physically and mentally and judging it as ‘falling into the endless universe aimlessly’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by reacting to thought and reacting to thought with an other thought by a reason and motivation what I am not aware of in the moment of ‘thinking’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my mind and defining my body only as a container for my mind and when experiencing fear, not realizing that in fact I experience fear when I experience it physically as a result of participation of not wanting to face, not wanting to face consequence, not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my breath here where I actually am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I fear I am falling out from myself and losing myself and aimlessly falling into the universe endlessly lost in oblivion instead of stopping and breathing here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself physically here all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘I have’ or ‘I had’ enormous fear instead of investigating what I experience and realize the fear is self-rejection here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from night when I experienced the falling out from my human physical body perception and fearing from falling out from my body and thinking this fear as real, thinking that I must FIGHT this perception within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have stability point and not realizing that if I disregard physical self here – in fact I am responsible for not ‘having’ the stability point here and then reacting with fear towards ‘not having stability point here’ – instead of letting go this self-definition and realizing that I am here within and as human physical body breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I am falling, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability point and constantly feeling – as defining myself as ‘I am feeling myself whatever I want as valid’ – instead of realizing that fearing from facing me here always is always equal and one with and as myself until I stop and I let go and I breathe naturally here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling into endless oblivion of existence/universe and not realizing that if I consider my human physical body here, it is constantly here physically and never stopping expressing, as breathing, as processing the food, processing the senses etc and if I disregard this physical stability here within and as breathing – I am in fact responsible for having the perception and the apparent experience of ‘falling’ and ‘oblivion’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a stability point within thoughts, feelings and emotions as self-definition instead of realizing that these are the reflection of my self-fear here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘FIGHT’ as apparently within fighting I have a chance to win over myself and not realizing that in fact I split within and battling the polarities and the energies and wanting to fight myself with energy through exerting and suppressing thoughts, feelings, emotions and within the reaction towards suppressing/exerting – defining myself regarding to these energetic movements what I’ve taken refugee within and therefore experiencing myself as all ever changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the physical fear, experiencing physical shock, a severe trauma as having this overwhelming physical experience of fear and within accepting it and wanting to fight it – validating as it were real and then validating my apparent ‘FIGHT’ against myself and not realizing that it is all self-made, and as long as I participate – I will fight and I will loose and I will win and never existing harmony and equality within and as myself here physically, as reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as energy-generation towards my already self-accepted energetic experiences and wanting to win the battle of numbers, as apparently if having a certain ‘intensity’ of energy, then wanting to generate at least the same perceived amount of energy within to ‘equalize’, ‘balance out’, ‘polarize’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what is going on, to fear from not knowing who I am, why I am here, what will happen, how to stop energy within me what felt nasty, dirty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energetic being and experiencing myself as nasty within the intensity of fear and never questioning that in fact I am creating this within and as me through participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions, regardless of the topic, the starting point and the pictures – all thoughts, feelings, emotions are the reflection of self-conflict and wanting to dominate conflict within me with the starting point of fear is not really who I am so I stop, I breathe, I let all go I re-align myself with and as physical as my body as breathing, as self-expression here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hearing my heart pounding as avoidable because I’ve defined it as ‘making me mad from it’s constancy’ and defining myself as self-created-occupations to avoid to experience myself here as presence within the excuse of ‘being mad of hearing my heart’.
I forgive myself that I have accepetd and allowed myself to define myself according to my memory, and defining myself as the memory and then when not knowing what is happening, using this memory to define me, to tell me who I am and what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence and universe here within and as myself and fearing from infinity all ways here as self as life as all as equal as one.

to be continued.
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