[JTL] Day 8 – Walking through self-defined character of me : Woman pleaser PART IV.

 In the last posts (Part I, Part II, Part III, I was writing about how I’ve became addicted and defined and limited to pleasing woman and having complicated relationships what is not really supporting me and all others.

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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I’ve defined my goal to get a magnificent and dream-tale-like beautiful woman and actually I am realizing to get it – it is possible – but then what the fuck about all my life which through I’ve defined myself as this ‘fighting for my goal’ – and when it’s actually here then no more fighting but reached my self-defined “destination”.

Destination as who I wanted to be but then what?

Then I continue from where I dropped myself to be undefined – a tiny kid – lol
and then no more goal but innocent self-exploration as the joy of simply I am myself as I am here
but that joy then I define myself with this experience of having me returning to innocence where innocence as not needing this nasty mind at all…

Because we are all know that being in the mind somewhere feels nasty really shitty really fucked up internal cage we rage within but we know that we do not get out as who we really are without the mind but within and as being able to represent ourselves within our so called society wherein really one can participate effectively when we are within and as the mind otherwise we can easily be an outcast, a disregarded or simply just literally destroyed by all others within and as the mind(as our human system does as us) so when I think and I am not totally obsessed with the topic as energetic storm within – then I feel this nastiness, what makes me feel a littlebit dirty even after a great orgasm experience when I was not myself as starting point without any knowledge, memory, picture, feeling, thought, emotion – this is really the red pill: Self-honesty.

From movie The Matrix wherein you once start to be honest with yourself – then within self-delusion
there is no more – real joy – what really means it never was but we perceived it to be.

And it is not about neglecting or disregarding joy – it is simply a decision walking really as not lieing to ourselves anymore and that means some self-dishonesty we start realize within our currently manifested creation as our individual physical life and our individual inner experiences and of course the currently manifested consequences within physical reality by our participation/actions.

Or to put it more simply – we start to realize our responsibility – and it’s like I have a family(existence) who are starving(~a billion) and if I work I could have food but I am sitting here and drinking alcohol and feel better and shitty at the same time poisoned with this never-ending waving of positive and negative experiences – what are and how we perceive them as ourselves – not real and how the physical world IS reality.

and re-defining joy what is best for all
and re-defining life what is best for all
and re-defining ourselves as what is best for all

It is like in one breath I realize I am in a maze from reality and there is only one compass and that is self-honesty – and everything is based upon this – how self-honest I can be – that’s it, all other of me are really irrelevant, whoever or whatever I was or will be – but if this fails, everything fails as me – but if I dare to be Self-honest with and as myself in all moments, then I can be sure that I am me who I really am – otherwise if I allow any dishonesty within myself, towards anything – then by that and as that I am of and as this consciousness system within what I am in a relationship and in fact limited by and as this relationship as who I’ve manifested myself to become within and as this physical reality.

Self-responsibility to get and realize our location – what is realizing our self-here-awareness within and as mind consciousness system, what we currently accepted and allowed ourselves to became.
And that location is simply manifested ourselves as our human physical body within and as who we are within and as this physical reality within equality and oneness.

And that is our location and when we fall into and as the mind, we stand up and re-aligning ourselves with and as principle as physical location and act within and as Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to inner experiences and disregarding physical reality what is the most stable manifestation of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to goal and purpose and without that defining myself as innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as innocence meanwhile having reasons and excuses and justifications of currently why and how and based on what circumstance I am not innocent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being who I am simply without any character and realizing that I had the fear that without playing roles and acting characters of and as the mind I can not have a partner who I’ve defined to be as my ‘goal’ and ‘purpose’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have allowed the excuse that I need to be screwed up in order to have these energetic experiences within and as me what I’ve defined as then ‘I am alive through these energetic movements’ – what is simply self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined goals in my life what if I react or fullfil – I can be innocent and myself again but until that I am wearing this self-definition of and as the mind to get what I want within and as the mind within and as the human consciousness system wherein all are interconnected and interactive as Mind Consciousness Systems.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined worth and value of women according to how I’ve defined outer beauty of a human according to the judgments and associations I’ve allowed myself to be defined through and as thoughts, feelings, emotions – with what I’ve idolized and totemized women as goal, as a tool for power, as what I deserve according to who I’ve defined myself to be since childhood.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider physical equality within human interaction according to principle of ‘what is best for all’ – by always striving for fulfilling my wants and needs and desires what are constantly popping up within and as my mind showing to myself equal and one with what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to identify myself according to starting point as fear of ‘remaining alone, powerless’ as self-definition and self-limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve made up a maze within and as my head by defining goals to reach and until that goal I can not define as ‘fulfilled’ – I am defined by and as this seek for this goal and by and as this definition I am limited by my own self-definition what is according to the ‘feeling of lack of …’ what I’ve defined that it is me but manifested as somebody else and without that I’ve defined myself to be flawed, hollow and as ‘something is missing’ – meanwhile what is really missing is to experience myself here as who I am as Self-honesty within action.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined woman’s pussy as my ultimate goal with what I can rejuvenate and rebirth myself as this energetic experience being me within this internal and self-defined relationship with pussy and the being who has the pussy but firstly defined the whole relationship according to pussy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman’s genital and not realizing that by and as this definition I’ve limited myself and by that limitation I’ve manifested frustration within and as myself instead of realizing that everything what I experience as separated from me and I construct desire after it – is based on a self-dishonesty what was the starting point as already existing relationship within and as myself and the subject with what I’ve defined myself to be through and as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve become obsessed with the pussy instead of realizing that the starting point of being obsessed with pussy was the energetic experience what I can have with it by my inner reactions and by the physical participation within sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard physical reality and within all beings by defining my experiences as more valid and real and interesting than reality what I am sharing with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my inner experiences regarding to pussy and sex and inner energetic experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to the ‘intensity’ of energetic experiences within and defining myself as one is striving for compounding energetic experiences within and by and as that energy movement within and as me – I’ve defined myself who I am as this continuous interaction within mind-relationships according to associations and memories and emotions and the positive and negative polarities within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energetic movements being experienced by and as participating within thoughts, feelings and emotions and defining myself who I am according to the outer circumstances by and as I am having these energetic movements within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that specifically I’ve defined beauty as something what is physically separated from me and wanting to experience this beauty I’ve defined it according to and through and as women – and by that defining my experience of beauty according to women.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the lack of energy for not experiencing woman and beauty as myself and by that defining myself as goal and purpose as becoming the person being able to have access to this beauty directly, physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being worthless and nobody when not being able to experience this fulfillment within and as the mind as relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to relationships within and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I separate myself from beauty by definitions, I can only experience beauty through and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to the mind to be able to interact with all other minds existing within this world because directly without the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, energetic experiences – when I was kid, I was unable to directly experience because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve allowed fear to be the starting point in my life to build up who I perceived myself to be, and not realizing that this fear is always here as I’ve defined myself and who I am and who I’ve became according to all definitions, within what the fear is still accepted and allowed as starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve lost patience for getting what I want directly, therefore I’ve manifested this system within me what with I can perceive that I am skipping my own self-responsibility for what I am and what I do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the existing fear within and as me is already of and as the mind what with I’ve started to explore this world as I’ve beeing taught so by those who I’ve trusted more I’ve trusted myself here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the inner energetic experiences within me are related to the world system of money.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself inferior towards to this physical existence as I’ve perceived it as much-much-much bigger and greater and stronger than me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that feeling smaller and tiny regarding to physical existence is because of knowledge or self-defined lack-of knowledge of what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define information and knowledge as value instead of realizing that physical reality is existing here regardless of information and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the ability and experience of thinking, feeling, having emotions – what are not lasting experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all what I’ve defined myself to strive for as woman, money, fame, power – are of and as information and knowledge about who I’ve defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I’ve defined myself according to experience of lack of experience of something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as nasty, dirty as the mind when I am not absolutely Self-honest as these energetic experiences I am experiencing within and as my human physical body.


I commit myself to stop all relationships within and as my mind with and by I’ve defined myself to be and to be only.

I commit myself to develop a constant and consistent presence within I can exist without energy, without any definition.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed and stop being obsessed with wanting to define myself not being obsessed with pussy.

I commit myself to share and show how exactly we fucked up ourselves with and as the mind by using it as a tool for hiding and avoiding to face ourselves from Self-honesty and Self-responsibility.

I commit myself to walk here as the physical and let go all what I’ve defined as I lack of.

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to beauty and stop defining myself to not being beauty and then needing to have somebody who I can define as myself as beauty.

I commit myself to slow down and breath and see the mind and when it moves, to absolutely stop and let it go and re-aligning myself with and as the physical reality.

When and as I experience fear – I stop, I breathe, I realize I am self-defined according to previously self-accepted definitions – what are of and as self-dishonesty, what is my self-responsibility, what I simply STOP and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-dishonesty.

When and as I give up who I am, when and as I change myself or pretending myself to be not as who I am to get what I want, especially woman, woman’s attention, woman’s body, woman’s pussy – I stop, I realize I experienced myself as starting point as fear and the whole self-automated thing is for not needing to experience this fear as self-dishonesty.

When and as I realize I am not absolutely self-honest – I realize I will always have friction and conflict within me until I do not dare to explore what means to remain absolute self-honest in all moments breath by breath.


So I am going to continue with my real time events since childhood according to women and how specifically I was responsible and self-dishonest by walking through my first relationships with women and how I’ve defined myself to be according to that and how my origin point as fear and self-dishonesty was suppressed by and as these intensified experiences and forgiving myself for the specific self-dishonesties what I came up with and resonantly still being responsible for as being influenced by.

Relationship Success Support @ EQAFE

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