[In the last posts, I was writing about how I’ve became addicted to pleasing woman and without woman how I compromise my wholeness by definition – now digging deeper how I’ve defined myself to be from childhood according to this and taking responsibility and walking back to Earth from Mind. Because others might not see within what I am self-dishonest about, but I can see within writing and then no more excuse but to walk the process until I am here undefined constantly]
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So when I was kid, I was thin, white and others judged me as weak, ugly and I’ve defined myself according to that.
I’ve noticed that some other guys are developing huge muscles on their bodies and becoming very strong physically – meanwhile myself not – and also seeing that women tend to be attracted to muscular guys – who I was not.
My body was always here to transform it to be more athletic and muscular but at very early stage of my life I’ve realized that I can think smarter and faster than most of the other kids around me, so I’ve been occupying myself with thinking to not needing to realize that meanwhile others define physical body and outfit as more important, I’ve defined inner experiences more than the human physical body.
Somehow as being a kid, already I’ve decided many points within my future how it will lay out as I grow up, for instance there was a self-definition point like: I will have one of the most beautiful women because that I need and that would fit to who I am.
Also I realized that within my physical expression I was like a beetle, not even being able to speak aloud properly, because I never really had the strength – in fact the will and motivation – to stand out and get what I want, rather than I was fantasizing, I was thinking and basically daydreaming about women and power – and it was ‘cool’ because I was by myself within apparently and noone could directly influence that within me, so by that inner reaction system I’ve defined myself to be – because as I stepped among other humans, I was unable to direct myself as I wanted to – because I was reacting to so many things what I’ve defined within automatically – being lost in the experience among others and then going alone and being shameful how I did not do what I wanted was the program for many years.
Also this money point was very prominent as my family had not much, we were doing tricks in the system to get some stuff for ‘free’ for instance scavenging cornfields and I saw that my family members became system survivors, what I wanted to avoid, and in that time in basic school, if I did think or do the math faster than others, then the teachers loved me, they were exceptionizing with me and for me it was very easy, as I was doing this intense thinking and being logical all the time anyways, so I got rewarded from school and also my mother loved me apparently more when I took home better scores and she also said that if I do not want to end up in factory standing line work all week like her, I should finish schools and get a degree to have a ‘dreamjob’.
And programming computers was always easy for me because the same way I’ve programmed myelf according to circumstances and I extensively enjoyed that there is no much emotional side effect as I had with other humans – and then what I did with computers, then other humans appreciated it – more like they did when I was doing ‘being social’ directly only.
And somehow woman was the point wherein all my mind just melted down and became very excited and unpredictable as I defined experience with woman more than being myself self-directive here.
And the whole thing was about skipping and disregarding the physical reality.
Because within reality, I felt myself like this wobbling, unsure, weak boy meanwhile inside I felt like I am invincible and very clear about my desires and dreams.
But the physical reality to not really ‘get in’ into my inner reality – I had to constantly be occupied with thoughts, feelings, emotions – what was after a time always too much, so I had to let it go, I had to learn techniques to not be scared shitless from facing reality, so I’ve intensified inner experiences simply repeating them, like thinking the same thought-thread again and again and again, literally becoming obsessed and possessed by and as myself.
I was also afraid to become like my elder family members who seemed to be quite lost in surviving versus entertainment – however this constant need for entertainment stimulation is still defining and moving me since – also the surviving personality sometimes if I am not aware of – I am re-living physically, when the fear kicks in of ‘if I do not fight for my life, I might be pushed down’
It’s like if I work hard, I expect entertainment and joy automatically, like a reward, and it is no matter that the reward is of and as reality or it is just perception, like later on for instance “taking” a mushroom trip to other dimensions meanwhile I could not pay the bills.
Also regarding to women the point of emotions is very important as who I’ve defined myself as somebody who do not need emotions, those are just of weakness, and if even I had emotional reaction, I’ve developed an ability to immediately suppress upcoming emotions in a microsecond, so it was like a silent shout for a moment and then I am clear again, suppressed, diverted the whole energetic reaction deep down into my human physical body.
What I did not realize that the body is for storing information and programmes also and by suppressing emotions basically I was building up and growing my suppressed part of me – what was always also here to influence me as subconscious, unconscious mind, meanwhile within my conscious mind I was constantly busy to think and think and generate energy by thinking and by that energy, thinking more, and when it was like waving energies within, what would transform into emotions, then I just suppressed them again and pretending to be ‘clear’.
And also I’ve defined women according to emotions while judging them and in fact having an inner reaction as fear from becoming tainted with this emotion if I would be with woman and being influenced and reacted to.
In a way, it is quite an energetic rush – and I’ve defined energetic intensity as great, because when it is great, it is washing me from physical presence into and as this self-generated experience – and by and as it, (and later on the memories and feelings to it) I was not this ‘screwup’ who I’ve defined myself to be within the physical.
So then I was dependent on women to define myself great.
But until 18 I was unable to face women because I was already introduced to porn and masturbation and after a while, by self-definition – in the presence of a woman who I’ve defined attractive(according to previous judgments), I’ve become extremely aroused and excited what I judged as shameful and I had always the huge fear that if I look into the eye of a woman, she might see that I am so attracted to that I almost fall apart, so I had this red color on my face when looking to a woman and feeling very inhibited because wanting to stop being exposed of how much I am being stimulated.
That changed only at university, when my will-be-partner started to make me drink shots to be able to speak with me – so by that energetic experience I started to let go inhibition and allowing myself to speak directly with woman.
So then I turned to alcohol, my father was already gone because he abused himself with alcohol too much, so it was always two-bladed – one inhibition-desire fear-change and also my mother always was worried that I would become like my father, abused and eventually destroyed by alcohol.
But it had price, my stomach could not handle it so I had problems and then after university I’ve been introduced to smoking marijuana what was very-very interesting how effected my mind, so I started to do that, meanwhile my current ‘marriage’ did not really work, we did not live together, we started to be different, wanting different things, so then we split, and then I started to head on psychedelics, to boost experience more and more within me to the outmost degree.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am still reacting to experiences and events what are long gone and I am not even aware of these in the moment when I react for instance shouting immediately.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to my family values as surviving and cheating within the system at all cost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself about who i am according to my shape of my human physical body as being white and thin as undesirable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from letting go of all pre-programming and standing ‘naked’ so to speak in the moment, every moment always here with no stepping back ever but pushing self here breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to other’s judgments regarding to my body as weak and ugly because they shouted at me many times I’ve reacted to and I’ve defined myself according to this and limited myself by remembering to it at occasions automatically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by thinking I can manipulate the physical world around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to be powerful without woman as self-presence as power that I was searching for and for get the woman who I wanted I had to develop certain type of self-presence characters anyway to stimulate them with my energies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I intensify inner experiences until I do not experience anything else, that not means actually I am escaping from reality and consequences, I only procrastinate facing myself by not considering the physical in every moment equally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define computers as more preferable and more ‘direct-able’ than humans because with computers I do not have emotional interference and not realizing that in fact this emotional interference is accepting my self-dishonesty within me regarding to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being natural and myself with woman because fearing they might see within me how much I can be aroused by her but in fact by my judgments about her and my reactions to my judgments based on past judgments what are not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I objectified and subjectified women within and as my self-definition system to be value and some sort of property by with I can have an apparent power and value so by that I would be able to develop real power and value.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined woman’s power as how much sexual pleasure I can make with her and how much she would like to be exhibicionist in terms of being actor on camera.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to being aroused to picture and sound presentations of woman, especially woman who is enjoying sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my purpose is to do as much sex as possible to work with these enormous energies and learn them to use and play with – instead of realizing that this is one aspect of me only, what must be equalized with all parts of my life instead of being obsessed with parts of me time to time based on reactions to circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define woman according to how I judge her face as beautiful and regarding to that by even looking at generating a feeling of energetic pleasure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mesmerized by a woman’s face regardless of what she is doing and saying by defining her according to the picture what I’ve predefined within me so I unconditionally judge her as mesmerizing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being stopped being mesmerized from time to time by woman’s face who I can define as mesmerizingly beautiful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have not been self-honest with myself in terms of practically seeing how and what I really want regarding to woman and why.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a woman who I can stimulate myself with anytime I want with this mesmerizing beauty-ness, even by disregarding her who she is in physical but only regarding the picture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness according to beautiful woman, being with beautiful woman and especially when self-defined as ‘beautiful’ woman is paying attention to me.
I forgive myself that I have never considered that wanting woman paying attention to me is coming from when I was a little kid and wanting my mother to pay attention to me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve defined myself according to how much I can disregard my human physical body by thinking and feeling and being emotional about something.
..to be continued with self-forgiveness within specificity and self-correction statements.