Self-forgiveness: crying

Specific memories when I experienced crying

I do not remember much of crying. I always wondered what is happening when others cry, I mean even I wanted sometimes to do so but just could not. I also noticed that many adult use cry as a ‘normal’ release, some even use it as manipulation of others and

I was about 15 when my family(mother, sister and me) were attending to a wedding. My mother insisted to I wear a suit as I never liked it and I resisted it to the last moment then I wore it and we went to the wedding.
I was standing at the corner while crying silently because I had to do what I did not want.
Then Ramona, a girl from the same village came to me and spoke with me and then it was alright. We went behind the church and took some glasses and threw to the back-wall of the church and it felt good to release my anger.
Before I felt powerless, because I have to obey to silly commands from my mother for instance wear this penguin-like suit what was very strict and uncomfortable, especially the wood-leather shoes.
After I felt that I can compensate it with destruction of
the glasses what grownups define as value(money).
——-
I do not remember any particular crying experience after this until university when the subject of my so called ‘love'(self deception), E. told me that she does not want to be with me as girlfriend and after months ot thriving, I finally understood. When I was sitting at the front of the flat at the top of the concrete block, I was crying. I could not stop it, all my bitter miscarriage flew out and I lost the sense of myself in a way within that cry, I cried for everything but mostly because simply something did not happen what I wanted – nothing I wanted more – this was the only single focus point within my life – to be with her and when I finally understood that it will not happen – I cried. I put all of myself to this focal point – all other aspects of me blurred out for long months and then within that cry I’ve changed.
I’ve decided to close myself down in a way – since then – I did not cry for 13 years.
I made the decision that “I will not suffer because of woman, no matter what.”

Then when recently I had heatstroke and flu and I cried, not like ‘sobbing’ but it was definitely cry. It was a some sort of process – when I started process, I experienced a some sort of mind-cry for slight moments. It was more likely a very fast picture pop-up within my mind as I am crying very intensely – for about a quarter of a second and then nothing, like it was nothing.
When I talked with my Resonances at Desteni Farm last year, it was told that I’ve developed to suppress emotionally very fast – for a quantum moment I have this emotional package and then in the next moment it’s gone, but I did not release, I did suppress. But suppression accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would define myself as weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate crying with weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define cry as something what would mean that I am unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry, I am exposing my weakness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would show up to others that I am lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I do not seem as a grownup man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying because then I would fear from being judged as weak, woman-like, hysteric.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would release the things about I am crying and then I would change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because then I would not know what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what will happen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if see/hear someone to cry more than one time then I would define her/him that it is just manipulation instead of realizing that it might happen because of hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying would make me vulnerable for attacks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry, I might get addicted to crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I see someone cry, I should not trust in that person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have any definition about crying instead of remain inner silent.

Specific memories:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I can not do what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I must do what others told me and I defined it as I do not like it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to my mother because she told me something to do what I did not want to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cry when I do not get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shameful when I cry in front of the others, especially girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame to cry when at least one woman is around because how I defined myself as a man who can not cry is not true therefore who I defined myself to be came to be not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not getting what I want because then my whole approach to get what I want was not fruitful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when I do not get what I want and then suppressing the emotions and compound them and when it is getting too much, then crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being ‘burned out’ when I cry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as painful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘not feeling good’ when someone is crying around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use crying to escape from reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as a tool to balance my fuckupness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my tears was gone because I’ve cried so much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who can not cry because I’ve defined my past crying as ‘too much’, as ‘depleted’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myselt to think that crying makes me unstable therefore it is avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from crying because then I would make myself unstable.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotions so fast that I even do not become aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if someone is crying then that person is untrustworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself untrustworthy because I’ve cried.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I cry once then next time I will cry easier.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated and nervous when I am talking to someone who starts to crying.

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