Ranting about current situation with my partner.
With my partner there are some issues what we face regularly.
I might mention points what I already wrote about – but as these are still here as my reality – I write about these again.
I face the point that I am planning to leave the country. I’ve decided to be with S, who is my partner since months. The original plan was to leave until June 30.
At this moment it is more practical to stay – but this ‘planned end’ of our ‘agreement’ to stand together and explore what would mean to be together within self-honesty – will be postponed.
However I experienced this urge to end it regardless of my stay. Why?
I wanted simply to restart – I made mistakes – and not all of them I corrected within physical living – and sometimes I experience a need for ‘pullback’, to walk alone again and restart my process so to speak from blank – as there were acceptances by me what compromised my self-honest walk since the beginning from our relationship.
Specifically there were some points what I simply did say that I do embrace – but within moments I exposed my dishonesty as physically I did not – and at moments when I judged our relationship – I wanted to quit – regardless of our agreement on we stand by each other until I stay in this city.
Mostly when I mentioned to her to end it in ‘harmony’ at June 30, as I’ve prepared myself to do so, as the original ‘plan’ was – she ended up reacting emotionally and disagreeing with me extensively and making me decide to end it immediately or end it until I’m here.
That point we faced about 4-5 times intensely and we ended up staying together – however there are still some reactions within me what makes me wonder, why still I become unsure within my already made decision.
Three points I can see within me what would impulse me into want to ‘end’ our agreement…well it’s in fact four.
-an other particular woman who I meet regularly and sometimes I experience temptation however I already considered to approach to start a relationship what we could transform into an agreement – but as she explained her starting point and her desires – I can not give what she seeks – family, love and those things and I never would want such things. Yet we meet and she is alone and attractive – and at one point I experienced self-compromise by ‘defining that she would not start with a man who is in an other relationship’ – and by that I was waving for a moment – because the trust I did put into her – the directive principle, the ‘decision’ – instead of myself, here being the directive principle simply unambiguously stating that I am already with somebody and that’s more than enogh. Recently I am doing this – yet sometimes I still experience direct playouts from my unconscious what I notice when I am already doing physically, for instance touching her hand.
-I still experience urges sometimes to engage into sex with my partner – and sometimes it is more than ‘gently asking to do so’ and I am being moved by self-accepted sexual desire – somehow it’s like I stopped most of conscious mind-plays about women and sex, I stopped to watch sexual media, and then there is only one way I allow to go sexually: my partner – so I sometimes am being directed by this point, at least only with my partner – however I would stop sexual activities for a moment, to see, understand, write, forgive and stop the inner reactions according to sex – for instance 21 days of no sex. But that is strongly denied by my partner at the moment, as she told me that within a ‘partnership’ it is required to do sex.
In other way – it’s great, because I experience sex – I do not desire after sex – so the dishonesties about sex(definitions, reactions) might stop if we continue it only on physical level, but at the moment I am still a man of extremes – do it with full power or not do it at all, so I am sometimes doing ping-pong ‘between the two edges’ of this polarity.
-my partner is participating with great velocity within tibetian buddhist medhodology, what is obviously self-deception from it’s starting point – however when we came together – I’ve decided to embrace that point and stand and not being influenced and reacted by that at all – yet at occasions I still storm about that – and her starting point is that the basic practices she started(about years to do so), she wants to finish it as she defines it very assisting – regardless of my absolute unweavering expression of it’s ‘bullshitness’ – and about that point – we, as it looks like – never can come in a full unison. However she is interested in self forgiveness – and we did openly speaking self forgiveness about our currently experienced dishonesties – to open up and share shit and express the will for wanting and actually living for changing. But she would never share her insights within a blog or vlog – or using her birth name related with such things. Or for instance she wants her very curly hair grow until her hip regardless of my pushing to cut off – because she wants to see how it would be that long – and she has a 4 years old kid and she fears that if she would diviate from ‘looking or acting normal’ she would be kicked off from her job and then she would face extreme difficulties to support her kiddo. So she never wants to undertake her inner process(especially self-dishonesties) to be shared on the internet with anybody. And sometimes I see as she exposes her point of view regarding to Equal Money System as an ‘ego-play’ puppet-game directed by Bernard – and she obviously does not want to realize the responsibility within our participation within the current abuse within the current money system and how practically we could prepare ourselves to direct the situation to manifest something what is best for all. And these are serious points within this and I sometimes ‘feel like'(lol) I compromosed way too much by these only one by one as individual points and I want to correct it in a moment like a snatch even if it would mean a crispy end of our attempt to form a one and equal agreement being walked physically. I remember, because of seeing this clearly – once even I wondered exactly as the following: ‘Am I this stupid?’
-sometimes I judge my process, I judge my location and I judge my ‘progress’ instead of acting within consistency – and in those moments my ‘good old methods’ try to come out by my inner participation: step out from the current location and try to do a ‘fresh new start’ alone for instance simply go to a new country and from it’s beginning, being very determined about what and who and how I allow to be within my reality. This is a point what I am pushing since 3 years I placed myself into a constancy by staying at the same workplace, but I still experience different facets of my expressions regarding to ‘I am at workplace with the people who I am with while I earn money’ and the ‘private life of myself’.
In the beginning I’ve decided not to promote desteni at my workplace because I experienced I that might could not handle that without participating within mind-energy, and the importance to financially stabilize myself I preferred, so that’s the situation.
Well, the contract by I work – in fact protects me by the word ‘diversity’ – as no one can start any issue regarding to political or religious or or sexual preference any view what is not directly related to the job unless it is not harming the collegaues or the efficiency of the job. So sometimes, I experience the need to expose it and see how they process my point of view – and by my judgments – I made myself to be sure that many of those would perceive me as a some sort of ‘nazi’ because of my principle of no middle ground within the process by the following: Do you stand as all as one as equal within oneness and equality and give up personality manifestations of the mind entirelly or not.
So by these four points, I still accept myself to be unsure and by that I am compromising even the possibility to form a REAL agreement – and if I am self honestly looking these points – and if I could do anything what I could do(physically at this moment I prefer not to) – I would move to London to the guy who I already lived for a while before and then by ‘walking alone’ again, finding a new job and changing my living-conditions to be able to do more Process-related activities, such as internet-activities through social networking, blogging, vlogging, sharing my insights, studies, learnings, point of views from where I came from etc…
But at this moment I already placed myself into a situation where I am responsible for supporting my mother financially and I’ve decided to be able to afford desteniiprocess/SRA course without any brake.
Again – four points I wrote, and within the next blog post I will write self forgiveness sentences according to where I am aware of self-dishonesty within this writing.
And why I am still with her? At the beginning(about 8 months ago), I did assessed the situation and I came out with that I can handle this and I can remain myself without losing myself with her. Many points we can discuss, and many times she notes to me that I am flying away – not always, but still at points I programmed myself into automatic self-dishonesty(for instance how I ‘handle’ ‘another’ women as sometimes playing out something like appears physically as I am initiating with them, and I am not even directly aware of this)
It is obvious that we are being faced extensively – and sometimes in fact I am bitchy for instance by these points – and when she says that this is way too unpleasant for her – I remind her that this should be a self-honest agreement, not a pink romantic continous two-sided self-deluded high – then she replies that regardless to anything we could do so by enjoying it and ourselves without any ‘frozen moments’.
So then I comes out with this: I always did quit when I faced conflicts – and still – and never I stood by something as principle, and by oneness and equality – never – and if I decided to stand with her until I do not leave the country – then I should do so.
And she also says this – and maybe I am being manipulated by this point because regardless of my bipolar edgy temperament – she enjoys it(our walk) and me because she never was with a man who with she could discuss points this directly.
As it looks, she is quite similar within expression to my mother and I am very alike within how my mind works as his father – and that’s an other point but this writing ends here.