On Control I want lose then gain cycle

I did not post this before, here it goes, when I noticed my sickness was fading last week

I am getting ‘normal’ again in relation to sickness – pain is fading, it’s like a fire what burns out the bullshit out of me but it is not yet self direction, however I realized some points what I allowed myself to be resonantly influenced, directed, for instance the want to be alone and then want to be with others polarity system, then the energy addiction, what is sex-drug-energy related, about not take self responsibility.

It’s like I want to loose my control – what control is too strong, it is not even myself as who I really am but then I am unable to release as myself, then energy kick I use – regardless to it’s subtle form, it is all the same – when I define too much, I want to pull back, to go back to my ‘den’ or ‘lair’ where everything is like how and what I like – what I could not manage within the ‘outside world’ to manifest – so then that is avoidable, then my place is preferred, where I can play god according to my mind, according to my inner reactions.
There were times when I was more quiet (inside) when I was alone, but recently I noticed that I am more ‘voiced’ inside when I am alone, probably that’s why I want to be alone, to be alone with and as my mind – but when I am with others – I am much more easier releasing inside reactions and focusing on what is physically here – it is not that big difference, simply after a while a some form of ‘tiredness’ kicks in, and to compensate that – I energize within me as suppressions, judgments, participation within dishonesties such as popping up pictures from unconscious/subconscious, it’s like it is testing me that in that moment what I will react to, like pulling different colored and tasted carrots and which one I will follow.

These must be understood within self-intimacy within the moment of participation within inner reaction.

About my day – I realized -again- at my workplace I am liked because of my work, because of my attitude and expression, so in a way it is very supportive – but there are points where I must stop for instance at the tendency to be distracted from my work – to any fun web page, or my personal agenda for instance looking after a camera etc – it’s like suppressions come up – and if I would not suppress myself extensively – then I would not face with compounded energetic bursts so to speak – then I am able to direct myself to focus.
This is what I realized in SRA as well – when doing muscle communication – to remain constantly here is the key – not allowing even for a moment to ‘focus’ onto something what is not relevant for the current information processing etc.

Also I realized – with my partner – I must be much more direct – in terms of specificity – at some times I even ‘tested’ her with my intentional grumpiness and rawness – wanting to expect the same ‘warrior-like’ attitude in her daily life as I do – but that is bullshit – it’s like a control point want to direct her – what is in a way can be cool, as she is not aware much of desteni vocabulary for instance – but the other part of the polarity is related to my resonant expression to want to be alone – and when not, then want to direct her in the ‘name’ of self honesty, agreement, process – what is bullshit, I let all go.
I am me as breath as physical – regardless to ANYONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change others instead of realizing – I am me, I change me, I express me, I do not allow influences to who I am by others – or if yes – then in the moment I realize, I stop, I forgive, I change, I let go.

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