writing again

writing down all to me
writing down that if i let go of discipline and decision – I loose perspective – I become self oriented.
writing down that if i let go of principle and dedication – I think
writing down that if i let go of breath awareness – I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to let go of discipline, decision, principle, dedication, breath – is because I think – is because I am lost.

It is unacceptable to accept myself as I am lost, as I am thinking – I stop thinking – I stop being lost – I am here. I breathe through the energetic experience of being lost – I let go – I breath. I remain as presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted myself to define myself as the energetic experience of being lost.
I am here – I am here as expression – within and as the physical. No way to be lost here – as long as I am not dead – I can not be lost – as I have a physical location – here. I am all ways here – I am literally ‘here’.
I must direct my situation – I want to become standalone – financially first – to stand without waving.

So I must leave my job. Regardless of money – I must find a more practical way – to make more income with less time – because the time is with I can not deal – it goes – I walk as time if I walk without being pulled down just because of working for money to be able to then I express myself.
I transform already my work and job expression into something without thinking – however – not yet simple breathing presence – it requires discipline and methodology to embrace all situations.

Actually it is very supporting to be in a repetitive place like my workplace is – when I develop inner silence through applied self-will and self-honesty.
Because this one I trust – within self honesty – am I silent? No.
This is obvious – because I have some reference points regarding to exist within no thinking yet being present – but through the long druggy participation meanwhile – those must be transcended first – to be able to face direct experience – then that one can be realized and transcended as well – it is like an onion – or an additive filter-group – each one filters something out from the reality experience – each a little – but there are many – and therefore one’s reality is actually very little – so to speak – what one can experience – so then that must be specific and those points form a personality behind and fed by mind-energy – emotions,feelings,thoughts, depicting memory – all energy – addiction to the energy what moves through my body, like wires what are sucking out my physical power continuously – mind is an abomination. must be stopped.
I can not trust a human really who has “moving” mind. Therefore I do not trust myself as well when I am in active thinking for instance – total bullshit. Stop. Breathe. Directly ‘see’ points and move, act, breath, next.
I must add that something already realized – or being realized – or must be realized – writing has to be very natural.
Not much – simply directly the situation – no need ‘dear diary – I am going through a lot of things’ — divertion — direct specific words — for instance – ‘I write more – because without it – I am being lost.’
Too much happen to be able to write in the ‘normal’ way – that describing situations and then what happened and I experienced like that — I must direct myself out from three situations at least:
-finish the museum job asap – it should not be more than some weeks – if I push – otherwise it will rot – and this job I do just because of my polishing my CV – so just do it.
-find a deadline when to : -resignate from job, from the flat what I rent – last date is march – but the more sooner – the more better…

-send the package somehow to sa

if this three will be done – that would mean – I am ready to move and change and find better job – what motivates me more and gives more flexibility to do my own stuff


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