facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 2

In the last letter – I was a bit of ranting and raving – many shit
came up as what was dishonest –
In that of ‘I trusted in that she wont allow me to go to the point of
sex’ – that is obviously mindfuck because I do not trust myself here –
rather in something what is outside of me — that’s a really great
self-compromise – and that fact that I was tired and a bit exhausted
from the festival and the weather – can not justify what and how I did
and how I see…

Also that when I was realizing that I still being attracted to her –
why I did not stop totally? So I see that I still wanted to get energy
regardless to the decision – and also I did not want to be so direct
that she would define it rude or rough – because sometimes I do so –
speaking like Bernard for instance – straight to the point — and I
was of mindfuck because I wanted to sleep in her tent instead of being
wet by rain – it was comfortable and I could be with her – also she
wanted this and she wanted me to be around her obviously and I ‘fell’
into that…

Also she mentioned that she has some kind of boyfriend – they do not
declared that they are together – but she wants sex with him only –
okay she told me also not 100%, but more likely.
So I see that I was dishonest in that because I wanted her regardless
of the facts that she is with somebody who is not there at the moment
– but I compromised myself because I justified that with ‘she wants my
gestures anyway’ – because she says that she wants us to be ‘friends’
but sometimes asks me to lie on her from back on the ground or fondles
me or gives a tiny kiss – obviously she likes me but somehow something
is blocked within her and she does not want to step through that door
when she would ‘lose’ the control within this situation – so this is
how I see at the moment – she enjoys my attraction and she wants it
directed – and not allowing much but sometimes giving some to keep up
the energy going…
And as long I participate even with a slightest action – instead of
directly speaking up and not going anywhere but remaining HERE – I am
not here as myself but as of personality, energized and directed by
desire what is in fact self dishonesty because I want something to
experience what I perceive as separated…

So this is quite direct, how I lose my stability within the desire –
as in fact I don’t want to meet her so much – and then when she
approaches – I say ‘yes, cool, I can face her’ – and then I see
points, yes – but in fact many times for several moments – I move
within the act of desire – then I ‘wake up’ so to speak – and then I
face myself – because sometimes even I have the tendency to ‘becoming
cold serious’ – to try to ‘protect’ myself from my desire – but then
it is obviously a polarity overbalancing – instead of remain here as
breath.

So it is strange enough to see that I am still facing the same point
of simply sexual desire regardless of the persons – and it is not an
excuse that with my partner it did not work as I wanted – because I
still allowed to compound sexual energy what made me move simply
towards an another woman – instead of not accepting myself as
energetic mind – but to stop and stop and stop and forgive and stop.
So this two letters I will blog out – it is obviously should be out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to
fulfill my desires with woman – instead of realizing that I am here –
and all of my desires comes from the starting point of
self-separation, therefore I wont be fulfilled by following any
desire.
I forgive myself that i went into the energetic playout of personality
manifestation by allowing myself to being attracted to any woman even
for a moment – because when I do so – I am not here as breath – but I
am within the energetic mind – what is conditional, preprogrammed and
limited and in fact not real, it is not who I really am – therefore I
realize – all of desires – is not of life. Desire wants me to go there
– but I can be only here.

I forgive myself that I placed trust into G. act about to being
stopped within my act of sexual desire – instead of me myself here I
stop, I direct, I breathe – because as I place my starting point as
trust into something outside of myself – I am not trusting myself here
unconditionally.

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