Enjoying standing up – at the moment no obsessions, no occupations I have – I stick to my todos and push movement. Not having sexual desire, not having energetic obsessions within myself. My job is quite lot – at last weekend – I was alone all days and I was doing VLOG and videos and my second job – and the task I could do what was requested. That was cool. But there are many todos before I could say – the second job is at the state of ‘done’ – and of course that also have a continuous maintenance part – what I will stop soon. It was interesting but at this moment it is not practical anymore – so I already told that I will stop work for them after this job is done – around autumn I will quit.
The primary job – I decided also to script up stopping. Slowly but surely. Around September I will have more direct insights about that.
-The plan is to pick up SRA lessons as much as possible.
-There are three more VLOGS to share – the video processing started to become more smooth – in a month – it will be very effective in all ways. Soon light and greenscreen will arrive what will be the preparation for starting hungarian vlogs as well.
-Write more – about inner experiences, mostly about physical and jack in the box memory popups.
-At this moment I am not being influenced with desire and sexual fantasies – what is cool, the decision must stand – but I will write more to stabilize, to be ensured – I stand.
-Looking around about possible businesses(see below**)
People approach me quite often about they want specific websites and I could help them – many of them can not offer money directly but giving promises about if that would work – money would come…Fascinating investment – about this I have to realize something as it re-re-reoccurs… The temptation and hope of with some job I could get much money – and in the other side – there is a chance that what I do – there wont be payment at all…
I started to being interested about business – as it is quite reflects me back – how am I specific within my directness, stability, constant application – look like a great fun to try – I rejected this for years… At this moment I trust myself to a degree that I would not be possessed with more money – simply direct and assist and do support with money. Will see…
Also I want to make some experiments related to sound and music – great instruments are here – will see – I do not say with music or soundscapes I could get a lot of money – but a bit of expression, fame can occur… Human relationships – stand one and equal.
As Resonances interview revealed – to stand and stopping the matrix of perfection and start Living Self Perfection.
That is of “I am too busy” is an excuse – I am always here physically – but as Self where I am? I can emerge and start Direct – and it is not about the Where or When – it is about Self Here.
Noticing about eating less sweet – simply food enough – ok in morning bakery can be sweet – I am one and equal with and as the sweetness of life as sugar. Sometimes even at lunch I eat some sweet – but that’s it – I have no desire after chocolate – I noticed that for long term I have not eaten chocolate – a desire could come up – a need – I push this point to come up – or not come up directly to see – what is it?
Also within speakings – I must be aware how and why I speak within specific tonalities with specific humans – for instance with specific girls at company – I mean there I am all day so I express self honesty in the office then…
It is not even a desire for something – it’s like a formed gentleness – but I must investigate why. Because it is not with all.
I also wrote a long explaining email to Gy – who I was with in last summer at specific events – and I had desire after her and I wanted to form an agreement with her but it was impossible – and not because of I allowed desire – she is simply not getting it yet she somehow tends to want to be with me – in close touching level – but directly avoiding any more intimate communication – physical or verbal – simply as a wall she sometimes stops me and I fed up with that – I wrote almost everything to her in last weekend – lol since then she never responded. Will see – I explained to her what happened inside of me and I open myself absolutely and I share everything of me and how ad why I experience myself and how I experienced her and what I see as self dishonesty within her and if she does not want to push her presence with my presence – directly, with total direct self participation – then I do not want to meet with her – decision made – I stand. I do not need a half ‘Gyongy’ being – I accept only the totality about her – because I see – she is defining herself still as beautiful woman and spiritual enlightenmentseeker greenpeace activist for good with peace and love — yet not wants to face directly physical reality – to make her eyes or hands dirty – delusional so I direct. I decided to walk with her – but if she does not push herself to change with the previously mentioned subjects, also with her relationship how she compromises herself and her ‘boyfriend’ by still loving and thinking of previous her lover boyfriend and sexually not really expressing freely – I told her that is insane.
When we directly physically express – it is cool, no bullshit, we express – but when we come to the starting point – she speaks nonsense – and that’s why there are cyclic times when she has lack of energy, sadness and self judgmental and self pity and then it is obvious that she will ‘reenergetize herself’ with those acts what she name as ‘good’ – such as spyritual agenda or greenpeace participation or being with boys who tend to adore her lolol. That’s it for now about her…
It looks like she is of my past – I do not judge, I dont want her to go away, I dont want her to stay with my presence(anyway she comes about once in a month) – personally I don’t care – but I push presence.
Weekend comes – and Klaudia will arrive on sunday only so I will have one and two days – some will be the job – I will push SRA and mind constructs – and I need to stabilize some self forgiveness points about communicating with people – specifically with those who judge and attack desteni – I get serious emails almost daily what is cool – facing other selfs here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to do SRA lessons unconditionally. I realized that this is unconscious resistance from not wanting to expose and realize and stop preprogrammed manifestations within myself what are of personality.