Definite change I can notice – however it is slow and if I judge the ‘doesn’t change’- ness – in fact I did not change.
But in fact when I look back – the change is always here. The change of self consistency.
I even do not see within the acts – myself – but I am.
I am here as my acts as my decision to stand up as life.
Yet acts speak more then ‘choices’ – as in truth the choices are made by act.
I continue to push the technical issues – as I decided to – as I am.
Technically speaking – I am finding great business of sparing money – fascinatingly by spending money in great timing.
A bit foggy this as I am quite at the very end of my day – but what I will write more is that I decided to push my desire points again.
To focus to one point at the same time – in these days – by regarding the fact that I must stop all addictions regarding to energy especially within the area of sexuality and attraction to women.
So today I started a new practice – to be able to steel my will, to discipline my presence within the focuspoint of not react and attract to women.
There were occasions when I reacted – or I looked back – but I must stand and forgive and push – without judging. It is a process yet I do not define self stopping as a process as it is done within and as the moment.
So I am quite content as I was able to stop – ok mostly I was in the office where I was at the computer – but when I was in the dinner room in the bank with full of women – I was able to stop – except three times I was looking one women who I used to watch because she I defined as sexy and dreamy – but I was able to stop and I was able to not react and I was not occupied – simply noticed her and slight reactions I experienced and I was not drawn ‘away’ from the act what I was in. This was cool.
So tomorrow I will still push this.
Also the basic idea was to be the directive principle – to decide – ‘at this moment I do not attract’ – and then in the next I do attract – not for the sake of desire but for the self direction and will see what happens.
But I am not sure about this.
I had to kill a mosquito – as it was bugging me for days – Klaudia also noticed it and I was like ok, next time it will approach – I will take it out and it happened – it came by and I took it and it was gone.
But now I see – there are more – this one was just about to explore the area – but I am typing. So this is fascinating. Killing. lololol mos quit o
So tomorrow I will continue to not stare women and their face and eye and provoke eye contact or look back for see their body, ass or hair or clothes – simply because I stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that girl at the dinner as sexy and attractive and allowing to almost be aroused as I check her out slowly but very energetically – this is self dishonesty as I make the energy by reacting within myself according and as my past as definitions what is not here as the physical so I simply stop.
I am able to stop as I proven to myself already even within specific temptations such as being offered sexual intercourse.
Lol I never realized that it never happened that a woman wanted to have sex with me and I rejected it – lolol but in fact yes – and I decided to stand – but after that I had these thoughts that I should meet with her and will see again – but it was of self deception – I am aware of – I stand – I do not fuck with her simply because I am standing as the realization that that would be not self honest – because I am aware of her and myself and in fact at this moment I am within ‘close relationship/agreement’ with an other girl — in fact that girl is not being concerned about if I would have sex with other girls but I am sure that this about I must discipline myself at this moment.
Because our agreement is not yet ‘infinite’ as she still does not see many points so I am not experiencing equal standing – and her wavering is pushing me and will see but I still give her time – to decide to stand as life as infinite or remain as personality.
So there are opportunities but I stop seeking those – I push myself within the situations what I am in at the moment – as – – for instance my primary job – and my secondary job – these I must push and I must do well at this moment.
The second job is going quite well – but slowly – so I must push – even with the current circumstances that I managed to invest into the greatest studio quality sound systems – patience I am – presence I am – self will I am – self forgiveness I am – stability I am.