Self forgiveness on expression-suppression polarity

also seeing,releasing some events what came up as primal memories regarding to expression-suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
other’s expressions by my own experiences and definitions of my
perceived expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
my expression according to other’s perceived expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my
expression to be judged from other’s who I defined as expressive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
from being judged as suppressive and introverted because then I am
facing myself as physical truth and then I am not able to play the
energetic polarity games of expressions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to participate within
judging others – because I was judging myself at the first place and
then I was judging others by my judgments towards me and then
projecting my delusions to others and then reflecting that back again
onto me – instead of being here and expressing myself as presence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge beings
according to expression – and the tendency of their expressions such
as polarity manifestations by the words suppressive, expressive,
introverted, extroverted – instead of being able to be here and
experience what is here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have defined people as expressive by
defining them by the comparison with my ‘rate of expression’, instead
of realizing that the ‘rate of expression’ is of the mind, it is not
real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to express
myself with those who I defined as expressive because then I can fear
from being judged by others as not good enough – within expression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from being not
good enough by other’s eyes – instead of realizing that this means I
define peole as not good enough and then being afraid to being judged
as I judge.

Self corrective statements:
I direct myself and not allow to define other’s expression – if I do
so – I stop – I correct myself within the moment and remain here.
If I see that someone is using energy to express – I do not judge –
I do not compare – I remain here and not going into past based
definition associations.
If I experience other’s as being suppressive around me – I do not
define them, I express – not judging them or comparing them by
anything.
I do not need energy to express myself here – I do not accept myself
to being controlled and driven by energies within my expression. I
stand, I express.
I push myself through my fears of being judged and I stop judging
others – I simply am here and express without condition.
I do not express myself for others or for anything else but because
the fact that I am here as expression without a single con.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express
myself differently with different people regarding to my past
judgements about the delusion of ‘rate of expression’. I stop.

Specific events when I felt shame and humiliation by my expression
or lack of expression(suppression)

1 – I was in basic school when at gym excercise hour we had to do
excercises all together the same and I accidently did a fart and I
felt my face was red and I felt like I am being laughed and ridiculed.
2 – I also had shame because of my body lookout – as it was very thin
and white – not like the other’s – so they judged me all the time and
by this – I had no confidence and courage to ‘use my body’ so to speak
to socialize – because I felt this body was not capable of doing so –
so I was judging my body and myself within the body and then I
suppressed and became introverted, more likely mind-based than
expressive, physical extroverted.

3 – Also I had a memory when around 9 years old, I was in a singing
choir for the first time and the teacher said that I do not have to
come anymore and I felt that I was kicked off because I was bad in
singing. By this event I felt like I was unable to participate music
seriously, especially with voices, harmonies, melodies – only I was
able to make rhytms but that one too not really.

4 – I had an event when I was accidently honest and directive with
bigger children and then they were aggressive towards me, even hit me
and bully and I felt like I had no control within my body
approprietaly – so I felt like I am unable to express myself.

5 – I had an other experience when at carnival my family made me to
be in a costume of gipsy woman – and I had to go to stage where about
one thousand people saw me and they expected me to give a show and I
was only standing there under the lights and I was afraid to even give
a sound or move an inch – so I was horrified by the fear of being
judged and being laughed – and exactly that happened then and I felt
like I was humiliated, I wanted to escape and I was raging within
myself and I could not stop for a while..

6 = I had an event when at a camp a big guy pushed me or stepped onto
my shoes – and I told him ‘thanks’ with a bit of anger – and he
answered with his intense threating look and then he was gone – after
that I was angry for myself of saying him that instead of nothing –
and I was afraid of he would appear and hit me.

7 – In highschool – I was afraid of being judged by girls especially
who I defined as attractive and sexual – and once I was sitting in a
sofa and Barbara came and she sat onto my thighs and I was very very
afraid of being detected that I was aroused and I was suppressing
myself extensively to not being exposed.

These These events mostly determined my expressions when I was like 7-16.

So Let’s release them one by one.

1 – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
being judged by accidental farts because I defined accidental farts as
ridiculous and pathetic and foolish and I was afraid of being judged
so.
If I fart accidentally – I remain inner silent and not allowing
myself to judge the event even when others are judging me – I remain
stable, silent, here.

2 – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
humans by their bodies according to the norms, and the ‘good looking’
– ‘bad looking’ polarities — and also myself as I defined white skin
as bad, weak, vulnerable, unhealthy and also the thin body I defined
as weak, pathetic, worthless and unstable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my
body and skin as bad, weak, vulnerable, unhealthy and bad looking
because I defined normal and good as darker or brown skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my
thin body as weak, pathetic, worthless and unstable because I compared
my body sizes according to other boys around me and mine was
physically thinner.
I do not define myself according to my body skin or
thinness/thickness – I am here as expression undefined, stable,
directive.

3 – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
myself according to the teacher’s act that she did not want me to sing
with her choir – instead of realizing that this was not a ‘bad’ event
– this was simply an event – but I judged myself extensively – instead
of accepting the fact that at that moment I was not a singer anyways.
If I am being rejected in a way by anybody by my expression – I stop
my reactions – I do not react – I remain stable, expressive, I am not
being defined by other’s judgement – I am who I am as expression
without condition.

4 – I forgive myself to fear from being expressive with those who I
defined as more powerful – because of being afraid of being hurt –
instead of being here as expression without accepting myself as
fearful because what I express.
If someone gives me a gaze of aggression – I remain here as stable,
without any reaction – I am expression and I do not allow myself to
being controlled of fear of hurt – but this not mean when the
situation is overwhelming that I would resist – I remain directive
within life awareness.

5 – I forgive myself that I have not stood up for myself to say to my
family that I do not want to do this on stage – and I forgive myself
that I have not allowed myself to direct my situation by myself and
accept events and pushings around me even when it is very
uncomfortable — instead of simply act and not fearing by their
judgement or reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from
being on the stage when thousand people are watching me in the light –
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze or
pull back when I define that many people are watching/listening me –
instead of realizing that this is not about them or how many of them
are watching/listening – but this is an expression of myself – and it
is unacceptable to being influenced by the fact that many people are
watching me — within my expression. I simply express – as alone as
with an other or with ten or with hundred or with thousand – I stand –
I express – I do not pull back because of fear of being judged or fear
of being laughed at – if it happens – I remain here and breath.
I accept and allow myself to enjoy my presence and expression
regardless of the people or the number of the people around me.

6 I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as being fearful of
something what could happen – instead of being here and when the event
comes then deal with it and when it’s gone then it’s gone – moment by
moment, breath by breath I remain here.

7 – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
from being exposed my attraction towards specific girls and being
fearful of being rejected by woman and also being ashamed of my
uncontrollable desires and arousal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express myself
towards/with women because of my suppressed energetically charged
sexual fantasies/desires – so in fact I was not being with the
being(woman/girl) but with my desires/fantasies/fears – so I was
extremely anxious – instead of being here and not defining the
woman/girl according to my definitions of lacks and desires and fears
of rejection and being ridiculed – but expressing and exploring myself
and the being here without any mind definition and separation –
directly physically here as breath.

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