3- South africa, Desteni farm part 3

may 2

shoulders are getting being relaxed but slowly – several situations still unexplored in this particular point

I went trough the Veno Structural Resonance Shoulder point and it is related to surviving and the surviving modes of generations that gone before me.

One more important realization – I was told what to assist regarding to horses and I have questions within my head as thoughts – and instead of asking them directly as words – I suppressed these. It was about to put some creme onto the horse feet to the nail part to make it a bit oily/wet to prevent damage.
So I saw myself as when I am not myself directing myself to do something – I have the tendencty to question – because I am not directing, I am not fully aware of the situation – so I have questions – but I dont say them, rather first think these…

Because if I am aware of the situation – there are no questions – I direct myself. But what if I do not direct myself until I am not fully aware of the situation – so the questions would mean even excuse instead of direct.
Because in the past I was afraid of other’s judgement – about I am not good enough or I am not capable of directing – and instead of changing myself by asking, pushing, doing it – I suppress and I judge and I don’t move.
Unacceptable. This was of my past, here I am releasing this construct.
Self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of not being able survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear bigger than I am within the human physical body in order to seem bigger, stronger in the eye of others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen strong instead of being here as strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak physically because I compared my appearance related to other males.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define big muscular male body as strong instead of realizing that strength is here within and as me as presence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen bigger and stronger in order to protect myself from others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be seen myself as bigger and stronger by posing my shoulders up in order to get what I wanted, especially money, respect from others and women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to money, respect, women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that if I have respect of others, money and woman than I am somebody, I can be happy.
I forgive myself that I have defined words separated from me here as expression as presence.
I forgive myself that I have defined words according to fears, desires instead of being one and equal with the words what I speak – as the Living Word.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body, and using it as a tool in order to fullfil my desires instead of realizing that my human physical body is who I am here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hesitate when I have something within myself – and suppressing it or allowing it to make me think — instead of standing up and expressing myself and being inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I allow myself to being directed by others without being aware.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I have questions – I have the tendency to suppress questions because I defined to questioning from others as weakness.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I question something within myself and I answer it within my mind – it can be deception.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow myself to pose my body in unpleasant ways – I have the tendency to not be here as the body, but within my head.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be straight within my sitting and putting one of my feet onto the another what is unpleasant for the body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my subconscious, unconscious mind system is using the human physical body to generate energetic, thought patterns, reactions according to physical movements, what I am not aware of most of the time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I have a thought – it is coming from unconscious,subconscious mind and I am allowing the thought to manifest within the conscious mind.
I forgive myself that I have a desire for wanting to express myself instead of directly being here and expressing myself here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a resistance to going through the SRA lessons, instead of realizing that SRA is the tool of myself, is the expression with what I can learn how my mind consciousness system works and how to practically stop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to procastinate SRA writings because I defined it as too much time, and wanting to spend my time on other things, by not realizing that time is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to schedule my day to avoid time-related issues such as not having enough time or feeling that I am not using the time accordingly, efficiently.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I do something, then if I am self honest, then I am the expression of myself without any separation, definition. If I am not able to do something naturally within the moment, then I write, I speak, I ask, I learn.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a reaction when in my dreams my body releases sexual compound energy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire after sex instead of realizing that the desire is of energy addiction, the desire is for Unified Consciousness Field synchronisation to regenerate the mind – instead of realizing that I am here as breath as the physical.

I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to speak up and express myself unconditionally by being here, trusting myself, being breath and the Living Word.


ok
about farm life – 5 days left
here is quite movement, people are changing, moving, also animals I see, are changing – for instance I see ducks are growing fast, some people experience some waves, and I can experience directly the people – fascinating to see the whole being, more likely – embrace the being— but many times still I catch thoughts within my head – even it occurs that thought-chains occur — mostly I suppress these and I pick up the breathing experience again and push myself into physical and participate in the moment directly — so these ‘jack in the box’ memory thought popups I have to deal with – immediately, within the situation – not only suppressing – but realizing, forgiving, changing immediately, absolutely.

But as resonances mentioned, I am regaining my quietness when I am alone more – in the last year I noticed that I am more thinker when I am alone – in these days even these moments are more clear, quiet – I do not need to think even when I am alone…
also there is a point when I am watch a movie – I can define and react even on a way with feelings, these energetic movements require more attention, awareness, intimacy – because if I react – I am separated from the experience, in a way, from myself. Let’s embrace.
The more I am within the physical – more the pain I experience
My right direction finger can have pain quite often or some small accidents make it bleed or having pain.
Also my chest can burn when I am not breathing appropriately or naturally.
Recently I had this pain when stomach was more likely acidy then usual – maybe too much fruits or things what I did not eat before I came here…Esteni assisted with some kind of apple vinegar mix and with a few sips it was more calmer…
I assume that experience means that I suppress, swallow things instead of express and sort out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress things within myself, especially movements, what make me think, energetically charge, emotionally compound – instead of expressing it and realizing and forgiving and changing within the moment.

Writing myself to freedom.
What is important at the moment:
-Continuing relaxing and physically experiencing shoulders – and with that my whole hands will be more physically here as myself.
-Finishing the talamon resonances 2 interview videos
-Making some mind construct writings, raving, ranting, pie charts to check with others directly while I am here -started with Jorn already
-Doing some muscle communication sessions with some people to see how it is at the moment, maybe required assistance
-Finding out how to fix the ‘jobs’ issue when I go back – by seeing the points, seeing what would assist me and all the most and decide and then script up how to manifest that into act as physical.

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