2- South africa, Desteni farm part 2

apr 13

today was physical work, with Andrew we were busy to place the main poles into position precisely where the new house will be built up. It was HOT, I had to use suncreme and hat and long shirt to not burn completely. We were speaking with Andrew and fascinating things we spoke.
How the physical workers are handled like less because they are able to make only simple physical work and not able to process and work trough a lot of information – like for instance a programmer or a businessman does. But in fact without the workers – the actual physical work – there is nothing – no houses, no bread, no water, no electricity.
Strange.
Tomorrow I am going to start having Structural resonance interviews related to self-perfection.

apr 15

ok i am picking up the pace around here – I am not defining how I experience – I simply experience – strange, but I am starting to understand what stability would mean according to remain focused on a point.
for instance when I had resonance interview 1 – after that when I push – I am here, no matter what.
When then something is triggered – if I am not as the point – my attention is going to another point – and as it repeats – multiple points I am ‘focusing’ and as my stability is not yet absolute – as I participate within thought patterns – I am slowly but surely I lose the ‘where?’ -‘HERE’. And then I am not here but of energetic conscious mind, triggered by subconscious/unconscious mind patterns.

apr 16

ok, SRA self forgiveness

Universal organic communication

How to upload as a Living Word
Fears, doubts, resistances

I was not sure that this directly could work when I am preoccupied within my mind.
Then why I allow myself to be preoccupied when I am dealing with sorting myself out here?
Any doubt, uncertainity, confusion is required to leave behind because it is within my physical resonance, and it resonates trough the whole experience and expression as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed to doubt within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe to others regarding that I am not capable of doing anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being influenced my teacher back at the end of highschool when she said that she is not suggesting for applying to university, and by being influenced and insulted by her words – carrying trough the years of fear and doubt instead of standing up for myself and be directive and realize – I am here and the doubt is self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think or believe that I am separated from the universal equality as one by being preoccupied within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to follow thoughts automatically – instead of seeing what was the situation what triggered it and how it came and where it was gone and what was the next step in the pattern what I went to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that words are the building blocks of reality – so if I stand as my words, as I direct myself to speak and act as equal as one as my words as my deeds – I am standing equal and one with and as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware of what my muscle is telling me at muscle communication directly, obviously.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to allow my body to directly communicate to me throughout my muscles as applied muscle communication.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear what my muscles would say about what is here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to being exposed for myself and for others because then I would have to change because I can not live with obvious, shared self-deception.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear to be seen as self-dishonest what would indicate that I am self-dishonest, and that I am defining myself trough others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here and I am capable of stopping self-dishonesties.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use words as universal equality as one upload here, because I would then being exposed of doubt.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my limits are not real, those are of self-created,self-defined justifications and deceptions based on self-dishonesty and fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what my parents programmed into me is not who I really am – it is not who I am as moment as breath as here as the physical.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to embrace the universal equality as oneness here within and as myself within and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here the point of stability as breath as stability point of who I am, where I am and how do I express here.

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to stand as equal as all life here as the physical.

I forgive myself that did not allow myself to see myself as expressionate and by this definition never allowed myself to explore expression.
I forgive myself that I have been fearful of being expressionate because I felt that I would always lose in comparison to my sister as I saw her as the goddess of expression.
I forgive myself that I have limited myself through comparison to not express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being expressionate because I felt that I would be exposed and vulnerable.
I forgive myself that I feared being vulnerable and in the spot light where everything is seen, where all my faults can be seen.
I forgive myself that I feared my faults being seen.
I forgive myself that I judged others and found faults with them and I did not want to subject myself to the same amount of judgement that I had placed on another and through this knowing of what I did not want to place myself in the same shose of being judged.


Ok Susan(Sunette) suggested two tv-series to watch – the Lie to me and the mentalist – the first one I saw some episodes, with Tim Roth – those are cool – how they read facial microexpressions to solve out criminal cases – fascinating — I was not aware of this stuff consciously…quite assisting

Ok the universal equality as one upload muscle did not unlock, so I go on the lesson – will see
still picking up this new excercise – I take the time…
I transcribed the resonance interview 1 part – very assisting – it will be for all – so tonight I start to make a text video of it
Bernard told me that physical dizziness can occur if I skip meat for long time, because of “0-” is my bloodtype – that is designed for processing meat – so sometimes I should get some, and I see that that kind of dizzyness can occur when I do a fast strong direct physical move – so tomorrow will see how it goes – so for second time I took some meat, not much — fuck I was not eating meat in the last two years, but all was fine – except that intense physical movements were less effective and sometimes I even can see stars, you know what I mean…

I am settled in totally, I have not much inner reaction towards people, the place, the todos – I simply act and when inner movement occurs – I must correct immediately or write it down – this is very cool stuff — and what I notice that this excitement comes up less and less as I move continously – like breathing and walking – before that the excitedness came upon when for instance a half minute I was inner silent and I was moving — ok not always, but when I was pushing myself for instance I sit and breath — this excitedness is related to expectations and past experiences, also psychedelic drugs and fear of losing myself as self-definition system program. self forgiveness is required —
at night time I was walking outside in the cool blackness and i was just walking – without anything – walking and be the walk, be the breath – slowly, not rushing, not moving anywhere – simply walking because I walk, so I am walk so to speak – no matter what – I walk as I am here as I am walking – sounds strange, but make sense.

apr 17
Ok, today I was sitting with Marlen and she assisted to go trough the resonance1 interview and fixing my misunderstandings how I transcribed the audio. I want to make the video ASAP.

apr 20 – some days passed – new resonance interview we did yesterday – the first one’s sound quality was not good enough, so we specifically repeated the session so to speak – the matrix and self perfection is the topic. so from now own each night after ponytreats we meet and continue walking the matrix.
I am more stable, day by day I experience the difference…In the morning we worked with the horses and what I experienced that my shoulders started to unlock – yesterday this started and today experienced that I can simply be with relaxed shoulders – walking and and some months ago the same happened with my palms – if I push – I can relax my palms – and with the shoulders and palms – arms also become relaxed – what do I mean relaxed? I am breathing and no unnecessary muscle is locked – I realized, I have the tendency to hold too tight my body, especially when I am under pressure or fear or too much focus – so breathing trough is releasing the body locks, and I am becoming more and more comfortable to be within and as physical.
The resonances interview and another talks assists me extensively to remain here. Also suggested to eat some meat at least once a week, this walking through the matrix requires fiber nutritions.
Much changes I will do when I go back – directive, simple acts to sort out some mistakes what I did – will see.


Iforgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up immediately when I point out a self-deception within myself – and by that suppression and energetic movement occurs what is avoidable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things, woman and situations instead of realizing that within the very act of desire – I separated myself from the thing,woman or situation what I desire after.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react to women in the mall/city like being in the male ego role by wanting to have their attention, by desiring after their attention and by feeding their desire after my attention by judgement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define specific women as attractive and define others as not attractive and by this definity system – reacting automatically without even being aware of – simply because of how I defined myself and the relationship with women.
I forgive myself that I have defined power and self-trust according to how much attention I can ‘get’ from others, especially women.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to explore and express and ebrace power as self as presence as here as breath.
I forgive myself that I not allowed myself to stop in the moment when I see a woman who I could imagine to have sex with – by stopping meaning to not reacting, to simply stopping everything and remain here as breath as inner silence.

–apr26

quite busy I am -yesterday my focus point is shoulders – release, relax, experience, embrace, BE my shoulders – and fascinating, as recently(one-two months before it started and it is still waving, but for some time it can be quite continous to be my palms as myself – as the physical body as myself — my palms I can experience more directly physically — so as I was wift Grootman and Fidelis – one moment my shoulders kind of unlocked – I realized how much I strain my shoulders, so I decided to focus on shoulders…and relaxing, being and exploring my shoulders physically, here, trough and as breath
shoulders day tomorrow also – and noticing human relationship matrixes as we discuss trough with resonances

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