2010 apr 8
writing about just arrived
arriving SA JoBurg at customs:a black guy is reading about apartheid
dealing with men who take me to a hotel to get some sleep
noticing how deeply religion is gone into the local’s resonance – “god’s will”, and “god will decide when I will have children” and bullshit like this
I remain quiet lol
i was suspicious about the locals -rumors spread – people told nasty stuff about SA — but as it goes – they’re normal people – it is not like in egypt or in india — they are smart, their smile more warm than those who are sneaking around – they make me pay a lot but all is safe
For a while I was wondering how much I was in this Budapest city lately and how it’s lifestyle ingrained into me – more likely how I allowed myself to be this swampy mood of being who I am as being there and defining myself as I am of Budapest now…
so yesterday I’ve moved over to SA for a month. Then I will see how it goes…
While I was traveling on the 3 planes – I got much of movement inside, sometimes there were like thought-rivers, sometimes just some simple thoughts were stuck and within cycles it went on and on and on until I said it’s over.
So here at the farm is quite an opposite of everything – here is no real wicked busyness, no time after to run, however there are regular things.
The people here are direct, assisting and ‘standalone’ so to speak – meaning that they can stand alone for themselves quite well. Most of them I already knew through the forum, blogs, vlogs – but many changed a lot by the years – they are more mature, more responsible, focused, calm and expressive and directing
So my duty here is that at 6o clock horse-support happens, I’ve got a big horse, Hrutman to take care of – or I can say – I assist Fidelis in that and I learn, also at afternoon horses come back from the field, and at 8o clock we give them some apple/carrot/sweet potato
that’s great — I always was amazed by the horses, so regardless the poo and pee – they are great beings, very assisting to work with them – their eyes are speaking
Here I got a room, what Adrian just left today, so I am in the full of comfort with desk, lamp, bed, and I can enjoy the buzzing sounds of the night-crickets.
Later on I am going to record that sound with the camera, that I really like — so I am going to use it somehow…
Regarding to process it is very assisting to be around people who are not thinking all the time, who are aware of the situation regarding to the mind and the birthing ourselves into physical trough and as breath here.
I’ve already talked with Andrea about to picking up SRA course, and I’ve read some pages and I am going to spend many time with the lessons. Also the muscle testing I want to be sure that I am not deceiving myself, to be able to have this stable foundation of muscle communication.
I also talked with Sunette and she told me a simple but very assisting sentence, that ‘I will find out that even troughout acting I can enjoy relaxing’.
Chatting with Bernard was also very direct, no bullshitting around, he told me to slowly pick up the resonance and walk and breath with scripting up things and be sure that at a time I am facing one point, but that one really. Like one issue for one day.
also he told me that I am still an outsider so to speak, I should decide what direction I take – like leadership or assisting people or what
that’s it for now
Here are dogs, like ten or more – they are very playful and this is really great that they are all around.
Timeless is always ready for some ballgame, he mostly brings one or two balls in her mouth just in the case that someone would like to play with her.
I was a bit lazy to not bring the powercore studio effect over here, they could use it extensively in the studio, but that was my decision, so this is the consequence. I did not want to let that instrument go in the luggage what went without me, within the stomach of the airplanes.
Also if soundcard, amplifier, cables, monitor speakers are not great as well – then it’s almost worthless the effort what it could give because it is essential to hear flat all frequencies..
This obsession with sound quality is getting to bring it’s fruit as I go forward with music production when I go back to my place in Budapest…
So, I’ve set up my desk – everything is here – the laptop, the emu-soundcard, the camera, the jewsharps and the headphones.
I am going to get a pc-keyboard to make typing more comfortable and a sandal will be also very useful what I am going to get quite soon.
This one month would be kind of enough in terms of finding out how and what direction I would take from this point.
What I want to do is to record different things with my camera and then try to edit/cut/compose them together – let’s see that this laptop is strong enough for that. It’s almost at the border…AVCHD MTS 1080p24p 24mbps requires a powerplant to process, not speaking about to effect/compress/render it…I am going to try to use after effects to see how it takes the pressure…
Shit is coming up also – when Andrea, Leila and Esteni were speaking in the kitchen about upgrading mind memory when Andrea told that she felt that her memory within her head is full so she can not put more information in – and Esteni suggested to have ‘upgrade’ to be able to handle more information.
They were making fun of talking about gigabytes and that kind of computer vocabulary and Gian was also speaking and he was not aware of that they are not speaking of computers and then that was fun for me to see him.
So I joined to the talk and I told that yes, that’s totally the same as with the computers and he said that using phrases like gigabytes would make Andrea confused and I said that it’s exactly the same.
And I felt like I was laughing off of him and handling him like a boy – but I did not mean like that – I also touched his shoulder and I looked into his eye but only for a moment and he was just going off to smoke a cig.
That thing came back when I was in bed that maybe I am doing this kind of attitude for women – but in fact I could say the same stuff with men. Fascinating…more likely it was a personality manifestation than momentary stable self expression…
But that would bring up also that why I am doing this kind of stuff – it’s strange…
I wanted to told him that I did not want to be raw but then I did not mention it yet. Later on I felt like it is unnecessary – maybe next time…
Anyways, this place is just cool, everything is provided, I can focus on process here.
next day apr9
I am trying the new keyboard out – we went out to city to shopping, today was hot, some moments it was about 35 degrees. So I’ve bought a hat also. Sandals I still could not get. Soon…
So I am still settling in, I start to get how to handle the horse, Grootman – he is big and quite nice, also has a bit fat belly. Fidelis is showing me how to clean his feet, how to search for ticks, how to clean after him, how to feed etc…
For the first time he looked huge and serious, now I see he is kind and his big eyes are speaking.
I’ve heard some interesting birds shouting around, I’ve picked them by eyes, very soon I will shoot them with my camera.
Today I read the SRA session lesson two, I said all self forgiveness aloud, many I had to read up aloud multiple times, I am adjusting my focus back on this.
Many points were shared there as examples how to open a point and ho to walk it around, how to get to it’s core – and many things I experienced that is exactly assisting for me at the moment, so I said those multiple times until I was quite aware of what I am saying and what that would imply.
At nighttime I was spending some time with cubase, still setting it up, configuring, installing VST – it’s really a great tool, I was exploring with some melodies and effects. This software is the key for musical expression for me.
next day apr10
About cubase it is priority to record, sketch, ‘improvise’ mostly, some composing thing as well, but not mastering – without the monitor speakers and card – I am almost blind anyway.
We were today again in the town, yesterday I wrote a letter to Klaudia, so today maybe write to others as well. At nighttime I experienced much more stability than the days before – so I started to focus on discipline, and breathing trough the addiction of thinking while I am doing something in physical, mostly something alone, like walking or doing something what I defined in the past as not important, boring etc.
I visited around some people and see how they settled in.
Andrea and Francoise were having SRA muscle commnunication test and I was an observer. I watched the SRA videos of lesson 3 also, many points are getting more clear and I am picking up the paste.
I woke up by myself before 5:50 when the alarm would wake me up.
I slept around 5 and half hours, that was enough probably.
So I am continuing to watch SRA lesson 4 videos.
AFternoon I am going to internet cafe with Maite and Darryl and we are going to make comments to youtube videos.
Issues what came up recently are like I am hesitating to do something what obviously has to be done in order to remain quiet for not disturbing others. This stuff was faced once before, so I am going trough this more specifically.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to believe that when I am moving around with some sound that would disturb others instead of realizing that if others would be disturbed by these sounds then that is probably their issue and I stop concerning until others would tell me that ‘you are noisy’.
I am directing myself to simply open the doors and going to toilet and not allowing myself to think around like ‘Am I noisy?’ or ‘Psst’ or ‘Shut up’ or anything – simply be directive and breath and walk and act.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to concern about others instead of simply be me and if someone is being disturbed, then I will notice that or if not then the being’s responsibility to take directive action and then tell me what to do.
It is not mean that I don’t give a fuck, simply releasing this fear of being disturbing.
It is mean that I find others disturbing? In fact no, because if it would do like that, then I would use my headphone immediately so then I would not even hear anything and doing what I am actually doing without any disturbance.
so finding points for muscle commnunication session with Andrea
– the pointing finger – as it has that skin problem and quite often having pain on that finger – scars would occur often etc – direction issue?
-suppressed compounded sexual desire/energy would cause enormous pain down there and blocking me intensely for a half an hour to a hour
-focusing issue that I loose the self direction mostly with jack in the box memory
-scar on chest does not heal since years
its like burning from a cigarette – that would maybe be linked to breathing and when I force it unnatural, such as a machine I would operate, then lungs could have a burning experience
Ok and how to work with suppression – specifically when I am thinking while I am doing something
what things I do regularly what I should purify first – as I do these every day
-waking up in bed
-waiting for computer when it loads slowly
-walk around in the farm
-eating — alone/with others
so these issues are a bit similar – as I am not here as breath as inner silence but I am allowing thoughts running around – and sometimes thoughts just pop up and go or one thought could induce to ‘jump to’ an other thought, so this running would take me away continously from here – from breath and remain within and as the physical
How I define different actions regarding to doing it alone/doing it with others/doing it in situations/doing it when others would approach to me…
Also when I suppress things, then it is compounded then later on within these moments, when I do not require absolute focus to be able to do that – then I would say, I still have some ‘processing mind’ capability to run thoughts – or I programmed myself to do these things(below in the list) automatically, like a robot, so then I would not be here, not experience directly, only trough the mind, so then within and as the mind I could ‘run’ inside – by thinking, experieincing energetic experiences.
as I was working with these SRA lessons – I was like seeing a pattern within me regarding to examples I read – I had a realization what was quite a fast and intense but I am not sure how it was or even what was it really
it was like in an immediate time I was able to process much information immediately – and it was like seeing a road, standing at the beginning, and standing at the middle and standing already at the end from the perspective of seeing it – but that was just like a perception about how it would go if I would go like that but not real
however I was like maybe quantum realizations work like that
like seeing patterns and symbols and emerging and directly experiencing and integrating – strange
it was about jealousy and desire thing, but i can not pick up any issue like this lately, so i just write stuff around here and will see how it goes…
like I was closed in the last several years, after that incident with Esster when we came along and she was like this – she had her new boyfriend but he remained in hungary – and I was with her and I built up a desire along with months towards her – so I wanted to be with her but I said – ok, she has somebody, fuck it, then no – and she was like ‘yes, I have a boyfriend, he is that, but he is not here, you are here’ – so she was closing in – and after a while I accepted it anyway – and then we had sex, it was intense, energetic and then suddenly she became histerical and her boyfriend was jealous and big shit was that she was totally out of herself and then she felt between two horses because I said: well, this is over now, you be with your boyfriend(it was november and he was to come to meet us in india), so I was smoking and bycicling around in the ricefields while she was approaching me and wanted to discuss this and wanted to be with me, but I was escaping, and I did not take self-responsibility for myself and for her, so she was freaky, so after some weeks, at next country, in Thailand, we split, and we met rarely on that trip since her boyfriend arrived – and this stuff was just too intense, so from that point I skipped to want to be with girl, to complicate things – I was not able to realize that I create these events, I can do different, I can correct the situations, so I rejected some girls around me at the rainbow gathering near the jungle at the beach, rather I smoked.
So that issue has changed recently about in summer when I was with Gy for a while but nothing ‘deep/serious’ happened, she was not really open towards me, so after 3 months, I stopped the communication with her, because it was not that honest, stable, agreement-like what I wanted…and then about one-two months ago when I met with K and I was faced and I did not run away, I rather opened myself and realized she is very stable on a way and self-honest and not so mindfucked, and more likely bodily expressive than saying too much blabla, what other woman all the time do.
So this relationship, woman thingy – I am kind of opened up and it is fascinating that to see about multiple woman I am with very opened – I am not particularly desire after them, but maybe a bit of attraction – but I am opening myself up as much as I can and will see what happen – but at the moment to have sex it was only with K.
With an other one girl I was like, maybe I am curious how sex would go with her – but when we are together I am rather momentary and expressive and she is not really directing like that – she is being a woman role and I am experiencing this male role to slip in – or not — and I like to play with this situation — to not slip in, to not grab her ass literally and take it – but more likely be me as a being and be with her as a being…
but maybe she is with me because of this – because I am not wanting her as woman, and then maybe she wants me to want her as a woman too but that just does not happen…
I mean I have to be direct with her, to get to the point and speak
For instance I jumped onto her on the bed and we did some kisses and she did not looked like resisted – she was laughing and smiling and kissing back and that was like –hmm ok, then wtf to do?
And then nothing happened more, she left and I am cool.
Also before I traveled to SA, Gy popped in to say bye to me and then I was like keeping the distance but after a while we were lying on each other and things like that and whe was kind of opened with me – more likely than ever before – she looked a bit desperate — she asked me about what she could do in a situation when she has her boyfriend who with she is not enjoying the sex, like she did with the previous boyfriend, with her love, so how she could inform her partner without reducing his self-trust…
I laughed a lot about this and then said her that she should whisper what she would want from him, or speak up about it, or direct him directly in situations what she would prefer…and also I told her that it is already strange that her partner is not experiencing this as she – or if he noticed this already, then why not try new things, change, or speak up?
So I told her that self honesty and direct action as speaking up is required, and she said, ‘well maybe it is not THAT important, without enjoying sex it could be also just fine’ and I told her that she is absolutely stupid, and compromising herself.
So it is cool that she opened like that and I can assist her but also it is a good point to face that am I desiring her as well?
So she took her shirt and I gave a massage to her…a bit reaction still was towards her but at least it did not consume me into automatic reaction…
She suggested that we could be friends and meet regularly but I told her that our starting point is totally different – as she wants to save the world, she want to be enlightened by the buddhist methods, and she wants love and lot of bullshit thingies she still embraces, perceived as herself…and I told her that my starting point is oneness and equality, self honesty, self forgiveness, not of energy, not of enlightenment or love or saving the world, so if we would spend time together – at some points we would always disagree, so it is obvious that we can not meet regularly, so I said rather no…
let me continue next time…