Ok at this moment I realized I am not able to face with a woman who I can start an agreement immediately – however I am capable of pushing myself.
As I have this girl-contact who with we started to open up – I am supporting her and will see – I stand and I am not trusting within her absolutely as we are not together as the words would mean – but at this moment this also means that this is not a relationship – I am not accepting myself as desire after her and at this moment I am using this to bring up issues regarding to facing each other – many points already moved within me also in sexual expression – but what was the strangest that my music-mate noticed my expression changed and he said I look better as I am having meetings with a girl.
Fascinating – desire thingy sometimes disappears absolutely – as I am sure that we inevitabely will meet and then we wont hesitate if we want to express ourselves sexually – but what I see that when I am of mind – everything is so different – for instance at a bank’s dinner place we eat each day and mostly I know the people there by visual – and there are some girls who I was fascinated by – by vision and looks – and sometimes this brings up desire – and I catch myself that I am this ‘man’ person who is seeking for direct contact for women – and sometimes I wheel up – and sometimes it just as comes – goes.
Breathing is the support and the solution by pushing myself and being self-honest about directing myself about to realize also – delusion makes me unreal and manifests timeloops.
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desire to not be able to face with myself as separated manifested desire after what I judged as separated from me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to release desire as realizing that it comes from thoughts, feelings, emotions – and to stop – means to be able to understand how it formed and why – and then finding practical solution and pushing myself and explore inner silence as the living STOP.