well, two hours ago I was at a modern jazz concert, I was having my regular cafe at Billy caffe, and there were lot of people and the jazz concert was starting, these guys looked so professional and when they began, they were flowing quite intensely some kind of waving instrumental flow and it was kind of interesting and after that it became obvious that they are musicians who were educated but they were having fun.
sometimes they made this animal-like rage being expressed rawly but remaining within the musical structure but for moments they even managed to push that a bit more too…
I was standing there and I found an interesting point – that enjoying myself as presence is like I am this full man without concept and flowing but remaining within the stable structure of me…
with my new partner I am exploring this stable standing within ourselves and it is a some kind of statement – like I am standing up – standing out – standing here, no matter what and I am no waving within this standing regarding to the statement – and that’s it – no separation, no doubt, no past, no future, I am here, I stand…
very very very assisting to face myself within this – and when waving occurs – to be able to immediately realize the inner reaction and the starting point of disability to stand unchangeable – it’s like I state out – I am facing everything here as me and issues come – and I am embracing.
And there are points where I used to go within myself and it is cool to see – unnecessary, unnatural, undeniable dishonest – so breathing and keep pushing myself.
It’s literally like giving birth but not for a child, but for myself as life.
So first point can be embraced – what is the sex-desire-fear triangle construct.
desire after sex = fear
so it is assisting to dissolve this construct when I am not within desire – after sex lol – I can see the fear when this system of me within mind consciousness would tend to re-connect.
– I accept myself as unfulfilled
– I tend to escape into other instead of sorting out and expressing my issues
– I am running away from my shadow what is just a reflection of my starting point
– I escape from being intimated with myself and also with others because that woudld mean direct facing
– I have tendency to slip away from responsibility when influencing beings is unavoidable and by that I am exposing that I am not sure of myself absolutely
so this thingies can be realized within one moment when I am in the situation of opening myself – and mostly these are of past but when I am not absolutely directing myself within a strict structure of for instance 4 count breath – they would come up and influencing my presence and then by accepting that without immediate self-correcting application – I am reinforcing my definition of myself with the starting point of accepting myself as dishonest
ok I have to push myself into stabilization of muscle communication
from now on at least 10 days each – each day I will practice at least 20 minutes and writing the experiences and sharing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt within my statement that I would not be able to stand as the self-directive of managing myself to practice SRA each day at least 20 minutes without being distracted and then writing and sharing the experiences.
PUSH self tala as moment as breath as birth
I am birthing myself as moment and I am sorting out my dishonesties because I do not accept myself as this thinker anymore.
I direct I type I write I express I breath I am here