dayto

This day as to day but not to die.

Morning rush for dentist – 2 different doctor, at 8:15 and 10:45 – both gives painkiller syringe into mouth – ironic but pains for a moment a HUGE and then it is numb for half day – left and right both are fucked – since third week I go – and today I was like this is getting too much – but what to do but breath – interesting — no it’s deep fascinating to observer myself within this so defined ‘unpleasant’ situation – how I tend to escape and what specific illusion I pull onto and as myself to not be HERE?

Chestburn – when breath I suppress – or mechanically trying to manipulate as a robot – I feel twisting limitation from inside – and then I breathe – as I grab the rope when I already fall 00010010010011

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody-s face is too close and I define it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face…

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion – by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath – and if I suppress breath – I suppress myself.

It can happen at workplace, at dentist when he was deep inside in my mouth and it is cool to face with this – several times came to surface within myself but I never expressed out – cool.
I am pushing myself trough this

When I am with a girl for instance – with Gy – I was observing that this ‘issue’ does not comes up – she did not tell that my breath would be disturbing – in fact why it would be? So it is a fear from an illusion what I carried since childhood.

Because there were for instance occasions when I felt somebody’s breath was stinky – was drunk or after a womit or cigarette or simply was unpleasant for me in that moment – and I definet and then I defined myself also…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to use other’s presence as an excuse to not breath naturally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath – as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath naturally when somebody’s face is too close and I defined this as it would not be ethic to breath out onto his/her face…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider ethics instead of trusting me here as breath without any idea or knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally push myself trough this self-delusion – by simply realizing that I am here and I am breath – and if I suppress breath – I suppress myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze my breath – as myself when I experience pain and apparently I can not do anything to stop it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what the chestburn would mean – because I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I suppress the breath as me and I try to manipulate the breath in order to experience specific energetic experiences – to avoid direct experience of what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse life by suppressing the breath of me as life.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the pain here is the consequence of my acceptance and allowance – so instead of suppressing it ad escaping from the experience – would be assisting to open myself up and realize what is what I did not realize.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope – even for those what people usually take granted – such as what they paid for or what they already possess – instead of realizing that I am here as expression within and as this body as one as equal as all.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s