Ok, it looks like not all desires are related to directly sex – this musical expression is not that one – yet the guy who I play music with – he always says that when we will go to stage – then girls will come continously – that would be an interesting situation – I never had this – however there were occasions when women were interested in me and I felt this and I did not want – but those were not like ‘direct strike’ – but more subtle, more soft pings they made…
If I would choose, I would prefer a situation with somebody within an agreement one and equal – however I do not want to fuck my mind with the idea of desiring after this – because in fact recently I had to realize – that was a ‘desire after relationship’ but within a ‘pink cloud’ – so I had to rid of this whole issue and restart from scratches.
I mean the starting point and the whole meaning of meeting with that particular girl – Gy – who does not like when I call her ‘puna'(in hungarian that sounds like a countryside accented pussy) – however she did not wanted anything constant closely with me so I was rehashed my definitionmatrix and I was aware of my own mindfuck.
According to the fact that I had this desire to have sex with her – even when it was of ’emerging both of us into one and equal’ to face ourselves — I was not sure about this would not only an excuse to the ‘good old’ definition system personality program called ‘tala’.
So – work work work – I work, today 2 work I was at – from the office I was in a meeting within that huge marble room in the museum to discuss about a new job – bank payment issue has to be dealt with webservices calls, databases, forms etc – I was not absolutely happy as I will have to work with it quite much — yet it means extra $$$$.
In fact what work I spent on at the office – is already almost exhausting – so I do not ‘have’ time for much stuff – and recently about half of it was taken by this ‘second job’ at home.
This does not bring much money – but some yes – and it would be handy if the main job at the office would be stopped – but it would not be enough even for ‘surviving’…
For reference – if I would like to move on – along with the bullshit so called ‘carrier’ – I am assuming that this will worth – as almost 2 years I already spent at this huge company, international team, leading edge technologies etc – and those 3 other job experiences before this – what were not too long, but in fact the project experience in years counts – so I am considering to write a new CV and send it over for some dozens of headhunters – even in London.
I will get soon a SIM card from UK what will make me somebody who are likely in the UK already…Ex livingmate, Niz lives there actually and he also committed his lifespan to making music within the electronic dance music scene – and it was already proven multiple times that when we would live together – that would be quite fruity.
So this was considered well – act will follow this soon.
Also huge possibilities opened today – however much things will be tested out – also related to desires and issues what I avoided before – in order to procastinate to face with and as myself – but not anymore — for instance this desire after girl, sex – or using excuse that I do not have very great technical stuffs to make the best music — not anymore, as almost everything what I ever desired about to make music – is here.
So on hardware level everything is in it’s place – the heart of the studio – the music editing tool program is just coming –since elementary school I did not pay for software – but this will worth it – I mean I am in a situation such as somebody from the west – to have these things – heaven of making music – so I will start with rehashing the already halfmade projects and making them sounding very intense and nasty and finish them with some great synth sounds and then moving on – much much I would like to express trough music…
To be aware to not be subjective – ‘subjectiate’ Gy when we speak – she is me as one as equal – and no desire – as it of separation — no refuse or becoming shielded – as this would signify dishonesty —
And as the urge still can come up to find a way to have sex/orgasm – I assume that much I have to express and release…
I would like also do do things what I can not because all day I work — so this takes too much — I am working on solution…
Self direction – breath breath breath
no compromise, no fear, no hesitation – no inner echoing, no past based definition reaction