Looks like all my desires has this sexual origin – tomorrow I will explore what desires I allow and how are related to sex.
Sexual release, sexual pleasure, sexual energy, sexual fuck knows what:)
As today I allowed myself to get extensively aroused – I had to realize that it can go forward quite more and in fact it is not real – and that’s why I do not give myself ‘into it’ but I fight against it — because then I would realize – none of it was real — so as I suppress and compound — I am directed – instead of taking self responsibility and stop — and start exploring living — without ideas, compromise and illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get aroused by pictures and sounds – instead of remain here as real as the physical as breath.
Breath directly, breath continously, breath physically, breath real.
Tomorrow I push breath further more – when I experience this limitedness – breath!
Today as I told to my workmate that with Gy we are having quite a distance – he said I am blaming for her instead of realizing myself.. It was ironic and he was absolutely right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Gy about what I experience – instead of realizing that this is what I am doing for myself and for her and broadcasting this separational delusion as one as equal – instead of stopping and forgiving and releasing and changing.
I am curious but in fact I should fear from exposing myself – but then the change would be inevitable. This is what I am going to do.
Also with Gy – I felt like I was not able to express myself – but then I would ask that what I would like to talk in order to influence her?
This fear of manipulating people would be here when I would manipulate people – so probably I do — let’s explore this also tomorrow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am manipulating people according to my desires.
I did not drink any tea today as yesterday planned, and in fact I was sleepy.
Shit fuck, the job was slowly moving and I was wondered again how about to change this situation around me – – change me!