purify A

Today I became aware of that one and half month no sex changed me a little. Ok, there was some sort of sexual engagements – but as at the office some guys can refer to it – there was no ‘happy finish’.
So I was wondered about how long it would take, but in fact I had no idea – I wanted to do this 3 weeks dare – and after that I had no hurry – yet I managed to arouse myself several times but then I was able to stop – and it was at the border of suppressing it but in fact the expression was to not be addicted to orgasm and it was done. However, on friday maybe, it just happened that I touched myself and it was kind of self expression – was no plan, no image, I explored myself and then this experience came and then for a moment I was totally naked – not physically only but absolutely.
Interesting experience, in fact I started to wonder about how it was and then I had this urge to continue this sexual experience – but I assume that was kind of a rush after this kind of experience and that was not really self-expression — hm I correct this: I revealed to myself again – how about I run into experiences what are not really last and not even so fascinating – as they were before…

So interesting – this was done and then I had to realize that I built up a belief that after I had orgasm, there would be around 3 days to regain a kind of energy level and by this I was able to blame myself about why I am not ‘aware enough’ to things, to surroundings, or even about myself!
And basically this was a big bullshit, and I knew it before, but after this expression – it became quite clear that this belief manifested only when I was wondered about it – when I was alone or I was about to strengthen this within me by energetic participation such as thoughts.
I became aware that I used to be with specific people sometimes to divert my attention from my belief – so I was escaping from my own illusion…
Interesting – and when I try to hold this belief right here – it is not real – it is not here – it comes from that fact that there were times when I had sex (masturbation/engage with a woman) that I was really tired and then I had to ‘regerenate’. This regeneration was necessary becase I was using energy, instead of self expression I was — so the energy came and went by – and I was a slave of it.
But not anymore.
This sexual desire was quite built up within me yet I did not wanted to release because I wanted to bring myself into a situation when this should come naturally…
Sometimes I was so aroused when I was with Gy that even physical pain emerged – and she after a point always stopped me so I had no chance – in fact I would have, but I wanted this specific point to compound.

I write this but so many times I was not aware of this – I was so directed, I felt myself as a peasant on the chessboard and sometimes I felt myself as the leader(queen) on the black/white board – but in fact all figures are me…

And now – after some days – I have no urge to have sexual experience – yet I would have the tendency..yes I see one point – today I observed really some girl’s body – and I wanted to grasp some kind of inner reaction and not much was…
Ok let’s clear these more…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy as defining woman’s body as sexy, as arousing, as possible sexual content -instead of realizing that the joy is already me – but I am not aware of the joy of the presence of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to the definitions of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize woman physical bodies according to my ideas of being nice or not – not realizing that this is of polarity manifestation of energy of mind – not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after a good shaped woman body who with I can play sexual games – because I’ve defined it as great – according to the norms of programmed society.

At this moment let’s write my issues:
-I decided to go trough all the hungarian words and collect all associations and forgiving them to be aware and stop reacing as a robot. – this I want continously but somehow I did not manage to do so — every day it should happen even only for ten minutes – but continously push this point because it would assist much…
-Get cubase right here – not wait for Gy to have that paper what is required to get that software – I can count only myself if I want something really – I am here – I express – I direct. Since 3 weeks she did not managed it – I go on.
-I had this emotional burst towards her when I was like fed up with this issues according to her and I told her that if nothing goes more closely – such as agreement or direct, stable, trustable support between us – then it would worth nothing, so I was seriously questioned the worth of our meetings – and she felt bad because she felt that I would just throw her away if something does not happen what I want, and it made a great distance between us but it’s all right – I mean – she decided something, I also – and here is the consequences… Do we learn/change? Will see…
What I see that I was not absolutely clear on this – and she is absolutely not able to engage into an agreement – yet I was in the hope that somehow I can influence her or she would consider this as support – but not and then that’s it lol.

– Job issue – I was considering to make some CV-s and send over to London – will try – I am having this ‘I would move on’ experience – and also I would like to start to plan to visit SA farm – will see… first let’s have some amount and then I would be more ‘free’ to decide what to direct myself into and as…
-I am considering also to get this camera to be mine what would be a great begining towards to filming – but also it would cost a lot – but it is quite cheap – related to what it could do — will see.

Writing obviously makes me stable – – or more precisely: by writing I am stabilizing myself – and I am opening myself and I am directing myself.
Interesting observation I had today – on mondays I am less tired/sleepy than on the other days — somehow I am not ‘used to working intensely’ to get tired – yet as I am stopped drinking coffee since 2 months – it started to be the 21 days and I still did not wanted to drink – so some ‘weak’ teas I drink but those are not really boosting me – however I am able to work all day along…
Tomorrow I will test to not drink tea and will see about ‘am I tired?’…

Also I would like to continue my screenplay – much are in quite stable shape within my head and I am aware that much time I would need to refine it on paper, the conversations, the situations and the entire flow of happenings, the storyline and the actor’s beats, changes, challenges — it is like describing something into reality.
This screenplay work would assist me in all ways – but then I have to do it regularly – as this blog – I want to write every day…some stories – some mementos as well…


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