Writing down the standing up. I push myself to be direct without writing some page of bullshit first and then getting to the point. Here is the point:
Discipline – Motivation – Principle
I insert these into moments – what this means practically?
Discipline – I discipline myself to remain always here as physical – no thoughts
Motivation – responsibility – if I do not experience directly my influence to the world – that does not mean that everything is all right – I have to stop to be able to see the current situation of earth directly for myself – as myself.
Principle – Oneness and equality – as all as one as equal as life – this explains everything – this principle if I push myself – first I can see trough my bubbles and then I can push myself trough them and when here is no bubble – then I realize the truth – that this is not a choice but this is who I am.
I had a dream at night and somehow it was CHOICE related and I went trough multiple processes and the choice in itself as a meaning – was not here anymore — choice does not exists – only temporally purpose what makes the dishonest be able to believe that actually this is life – in fact – absolutely not — what life is what is leaving behind the poor who are dieing from hunger?
My tendency is to absolutely focus on what I do – easily can become a some sort of obsession – as energetically I am pushing every part of my intent into it – an entity is being built up and this entity is like a steamtrain – a huge and heavy space vessel – what forms gravity and even I was wondered about after a point, it can be referred as an instance of evil. Indeed – a simple practice of self-will easily can become a so strong self interested systematic consciousness movement – so then I am becoming smaller that what I created – it is like a mechanic – I build a huge machine and then I start it and it can not be stopped, only when it is overloading and simply explodes or something like that.
I referred it to be evil because self interest can be defined as evil – because then I do not care, I am not opened, I am not momentary expression as breath – because of the fear that without this strong mind-fist — I cannot reach what I desire.
So – I assume that I do not trust within my self-will enough, so I use energy to be ensured that I get what I want. It is like a ceremony – some kind of ritual with mind – to summon energy.
Also this point as being opened revealed: desire, doubt, fear.
I fear that without desire – I lost my motivation? – so did I define myself according to my desires? According to my fears? What if all was wrong? Of course. I resonated with my parents and all beings around me – I became the others literally – father, mother, grandpa, grandma – If i look these beings – I should be aware the self-contamination by and as them – what I allowed, I managed and I defined myself as this – so I can stop it – as simply as I move and breath -and forgive and release and live. So let be the motivation is the placement of disciplined principle as all as one as equal.
After these words – what I can find within myself related to these issues?
My desires? My intents? My plans?
Let’s start from down to up from the perspective of living within this system. No, it’s not a maslow-pyramide but the idea what I use-is similar to it.
1 – I work at the office. One of the biggest international multi-broadcasting-media corporation on earth. As long I go to work – it supplies me money. Some more than 1200euros per month. Not much but here it is enough to have the basic and be able to spend some for what I am interested in.
I never worked so much before than here. I wanted to prove that I can work good – it occured. My boss tells me every month. One and half year – I can say – it is stable stuff in my life. Never was. Before I was doing jobs for some months – and I was so fucking high almost every night so everything was fuzzy and I was in the tornado. But now as I am sober – something changes. I am becoming the tornado. Sometimes it’s still dizzy – I am falling even sometimes for loong-loong hours – but I am sure that this works. Some months ago I started to wonder about how long I gonna stay here. In fact around winter(4-5 months later) I want to go. I plan to visit SA if it’s possible and then do this kind of job a bit furthermore – but not in Hungary — rather in a place where I can get 10 times more money – not for greed. But for being able to direct the situations – yes with money as well. Responsibility. No escape anymore.
2- my tiny winy studio – Very soon it will be ready – I mean on a semi-professtional way – to compose, make, produce music – whatever I want. Already several projects are in the air but I have to push myself and make them into real songs.
This is what I wanted since I took those acid blotters – I experience much-much music-related things I want to express – so I will.
Quite an invest – and it can be neverending – there will be always a new card/synth/audio system/effect/mic etc what can be a new aim to have it — so I will freeze this once I will start to make the music.
In fact I feel – while I work at the office – I do not have enough time to make music. But I have question this because I wrote ‘I feel’ – feelings can be deceiving – as self-programming.
3-Girl. Undoubtable that I want a girl – not only for having sex but for self-assistance – self-reflection, self-facing. Much issues are programmed within me since from childhood – and then the previous relationships with several girls – many transcendence points are available. Main ones are: desire, jealousy, fear.
If I open these up more – I want a beautiful woman who can fullfill me – typical UCF program shit – I am forgiving as I met with GY – but some points are still hidden.
I have to be aware to not desire relationship – and she pulls back almost always when I push this area – or even when I tend to kiss long and with those kind of touches – she jush pulls up a wall and says it is too much. And I say – it is not enough and I feel separation. And she says – this kind of ‘relationship’ between us is just perfect and I say one day I will give up this intent and then this will be finished. She already started to worry about then I will not see her – so I smell the mindfuck – I have to act – when we meet – immediately – before I still allow some shit to manifest. Actually I have no idea what would be the best for her and me and for all…
From one side – I am aware that I support her – in stability in self trust in self-enjoyment, she supports me within opening myself up, bringing things here from past to be able to face and many times supportting just be me who I am without concepts – innocence. And then when I ‘speak too much’ – all can fall – and I simply want her and our thin intimate touch becomes thick and I am almost ‘forced’ or ‘compelled’ to want to have her totally entirelly and wanting to have sex and push the limitations and definitions away…
Because I’ve defined sex as an ultimate way to dissolve walls between me and a girl – and a way when we literally can exchange our point of view, not only for minutes but for real. So in sex – I felt like we are really giving and receiving — of couse it can be a mindfuck as the mind consciousness systems are stabilizing each other as a one system – but in fact if self-assistance is here — it can be assisting.
So it is interesting – but what makes me dizzy within this – that I can not trust in her – as she does not show all her sides – I even do not trust in her when she just says ‘I’ll be back in a minute’ – because there is a chance that she gets something interesting or intense impression and only after hours comes back – or goes into a party and then said – she was kissing with multiple boys and then she regrets it a little – but I am even not sure that she is really regreting it at all:)
Of course this brings out what do I want from her and how much and: WHY?
If I use common sense – I can say – she is not able to stand one and equal at this moment – but as I am here – she is here – I do not separate her from me – and when I say this – I mean it — and in this moment I realize: what things I do not like in her – is exactly what I am like!!!
I can not trusted, I am not stable and I am being directed by outer impressions.
But this means that she could be also jealous and when I was seeing the firefly series and at the end the girl was crying when the guy was having sex with an other girl – the first thought was also: I can try what she would react if I would be with an other girl — so this is also a typical mindfuck situation what many humans do on earth and mixing shit more up – dishonesty, dishonesty.
So I meant to these kind of stuffs what she can bring up from me – and I do not want to manipulate her – because this manipulation should go on emotional and intellectual level – and I do not want this — so it is like a situation what is really temporally and quite intense yet as long as I am self-honest and I even express it towards her as well and stabilizing it for myself and scripting up and forgiving myself immediately — it is assisting.
Also when I wont be able to be self-directive within self-honesty – probably the whole thing will fall – so this is not an option.
First of all – she wanted to live in Firenze from september – but she stayed.
She said she wants this to be not a relationship but also not ‘just’ a relationship.
My tendency is to not being satisified with middle-ways — the poles within me can be very-very sharp — do something with full power — or do not do it at all…
Also from the point of self-interest– I feel sometimes that she is of it — but I can not stop reflecting it back to me – so probably when I realize this – I am realizing it about me – about how much I define myself and my interest about her and in fact about the ‘possible things what we could do together’ – what are of preprogrammed dreams mostly.
Hmm what else?
Desteni SRA training — I manage to participate within it — I am aware of it is the most effective way to stabilize and embrace and unify self — and also I have to move my ass to SA to be with these guys.
Because in the begining of desteni assistance with me – I wanted to ask so much – but with chatting with dimensions – they always said to me – Tala – you will find out.
So this made me reminded that I am alone – I have to it for myself as myself.
But it can be also too much when I remind myself too much for this – because then I am remaining the same as I was – alone in the desert and fighting against the sandstorm instead of being practical.
Do I need assistance? I mean I am not bleeding – but this sexual desire sometimes is getting so intense – because I suppressed it, because I still deny my sexual expression, because I tend to handle my human physical body as a machine…
And all of it was, because I’ve separated myself from my breath. I am breathing I am here – I could not separate myself from my breath – only I am not aware of I am breath.
Ok then many points became visible – some: again – some firstly being written.
Self forgiveness is required.
I forgive myself that I havent accepted to stand up unconditionally in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standup conditionally – instead of realizing that I stand up – is not of condition – is about who I am and who I am not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself and for others as me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define discipline as a separated definition from me – to define discipline as conditional – as something what helps me to get what I want – instead of realizing that discipline I am as expression as inner silence – do I dare myself to express as discipline as self-presence within and as myself or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live by a principle – as I never was able to define myself according to a principle – until I realized the simplicity and the truth of the discipline of oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what principle would mean and define those who are living by principle as followers, believers.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I judge somebody based on a word – I am judging my own definitions towards to these specific words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with what I am doing – by believing that compounding energies and using it would be the way to make it done – instead of being here as breath as inner silence without ANY judgement, purpose, trusting me and expressing me who I am already.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop when I realize – I am compounding energy and this energy will determine my expression – will influence my perception – will be me until it vanishes.
I forgive myself that I have not dared myself to realize – that I am deceiving myself when I have a ‘tiny aware moment’ about I am actually of mind – and then I say – “Let’s go further to see what this manifests and then I will learn from it” – instead of not going into the same self-made self-delusional traps every day by hoping that one day automatically I will fed up with my programmed self-accepted behaviour.
I forgive myself to fear to stating out that self-interest is evil – because then I would be called as nazi as I am seeing only black or white — instead of realizing that then I would reveal to myself that I am defining myself according to others – I am defending myself as personality – therefore I stop concerning and fearing to express who I am at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand up for myself and for all when I realized the mistakes I’ve done – mistakes from the perspective that I already knew what will happen but I was compelled to do so because the self-interest I did not give up – and by this only proving that I did not realized who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that realizing would mean only finding out how it works – instead of being aware that realization means practical solution – not only information about how it should be right.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that following intuitions will help me practically – instead of trusting me here as expression here.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here when I am writing this self forgiveness – by following jumping in memory and thinking about that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think when Gy would call me and then before it would compound – I change the ‘subject’ of my focus and by continous jumping – I am not aware of the self-dishonesty and the fact that I am not here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as I am my family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to define myself according to my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in any way whatsoever – and revealing that I am not experiencing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself that I am alone – instead of realizing that every single being is alone within their individual processes – I have to standup for myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen when I would leave my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my workplace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the things what I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to musical instruments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would loose the things what I’ve collected with hard work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my work as hard – instead of being able to let it to be as it is without definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up a desire instead of acting immediately – regarding to making music – because the desire is an excuse to not express myself as music – because then the desire is what I am using as separation to realize what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire woman instead of realizing that what I desire for is here – the presence of me as the totality of me – what I’ve defined is the woman is what will fulfill me but this is not true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be able to find a girl to have sex with within an agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hard to not having sex for long time because then I would have these experiences within my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energetic experience of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that if I am with a girl and if I can not have sex with her then this is not enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as an ultimate way to be able to be together and without it defining it as shallowness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fing a way when I am indirectly within a situation when I would have sex with a girl who I defined previously as exciting.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the act of desiring – by thoughts and emotions and feelings – as energy – I am responsible for the experienced and manifested separation from what I do not experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that when I discipline myself then I will get sexual experience as a gift. lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use asexuality as energy and then defining it as me – instead of realizing that suppressing is not who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would have problems if I would not have sex for a long time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss girls because of the energetic experience of kissing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would not be able to direct myself within a situation when I decided to discipline myself to not having sex and meanwhile I am being under temptation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as special.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to expose my experience within myself towards girls because then they would turn over from me – instead of realizing that within this: I fear from myself – I fear from facing from m – this is unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate situations and girls within it to be able to have hugging-kissing-sex becase of my self-interest about having the experience of joy and entertainment and bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as joy – instead of realizing that I am joy here as self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as bliss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hug, kissing, sex as entertainment.