not enough

I lost my satisfaction.
I am here and I am conscious how much dishonesty I am allowing. The conscious word can be describing as if I would be aware – then I would not even allow this for a long…
Strange, but I want much more than I can do at this moment, but this brings up the question that how ‘much’ I can do related to actually what I do?

What is bothering me within me is this addiction to energy and it is absolutely not here when I am with others – but if I am alone – I have this experience of realizing ‘old’ habits and within the next moment I say: ‘I wont do that again’ – kind of resistance – and then I am within a state that I can really believe that this is enough – but in fact some examples already showed me that it is not enough: as if I say for instance, I feel this urge – let’s say desire to be aroused – then I immediately resist – saying ‘NO’ – but obviously I say ‘NO’ as a self-containment, self-calming, some kind of manifesting hope – instead of seriously, accuratedly practically living this NO.
And it is quite ‘maintainable’ until my so called ‘energy’ does not drop. For instance getting sleepy and tired. Then instead of going to rest or a short body-resting meditation – – I use the arousing method by pictures and then I am not tired.
Even if could happen that I start to look pictures or movies what make me aroused – and strange because I do not want to stop being aroused – simply ‘enjoying myself and then it’s done’ – because then I would get this kind of shame/regret/energy drop and then I would be at the same point when I started to be aroused…
But am I not seeing that when I am getting aroused, I am not myself, because this arousedness is growing growing and I am not directing anymore but I am giving myself into this arousedness until I am really tired or the release is just happens – like touching myself and having an energetic orgasm and then it’s over – but until that I am just arousing myself…and then being ‘defeated’ because I was dishonest because I aroused myself with pictures.
This picture-obsession somehow stopped being within my head – and I am quite uncapable directly ‘imagining’ pictures, girls, things etc within my head anymore – it was seriously developed but somehow it is not feels cool. because it is so transparently self-deception.
So physical pictures, movies I use and inside still react and this reaction makes me aroused and makes me away from here and interesting that then I am loosing my direction.
And meanwhile there are some opportunities about one-two girl would be glad to be with me within the bed but in fact I do not want this really… Maybe with one girl I would want – but then I am still aware that this is also self-deception, and it brings up some doubt about this ‘desire’.

So I simply fed up with all of this shit, so I am writing myself out of this and finding a practical way to stand up and embrace all and be here as breath and self-directive principle as self-honesty and self-forgiveness…


How this happened? I made myself a strange statement about now I do not have for self-pushing as my time all goes for work and issues what I desired for to manage and those I’ve defined as necessary for what I want to do later on, especially related to music, film.

So as I stopped to apply self forgiveness on a disciplined way such as some months ago I applied – something started to compound and I was aware of it of course but I was like some time I could live – and this was separation, self-deception, self-containment, self-procrastination.

Well, it’s about time to realize what I jumped onto.
Some points I realized within this last years since I injected some rules into my days.
These rules were for such an experiment:
-No alcohol, no drugs, no meat — at all: 18 months were I rejected these and how affected me?

Alcohol was obviously the first one what I had to step. When I say to somebody that I NEVER drink it anymore, people tend to suspect that I am an alcoholic. LOL. And if I mention that my father WAS an alcoholist – the circle is closed…I do not go into verbal muscletest anymore, rather I use common sense: alcohol has bad effect on me and I am not myself when I drink and it is literally killing my body, so why should I poison myself? Even when people do say ‘a little is good’ – I do not agree and they do not realize that that little also alters their mind – from their perspective – ‘for good’. Hmm. How sceptic I am.
Drugs. Strange – interesting to see how much I’ve defined myself as drug, as drugged, habits related to drugs and people related to drugs. I’ve just cut myself away from these. Some I am still in contact with(people) but most are gone(from my live).
Interesting realization that since I stopped smoking and blowing my mind, I work at a place – no change, no escape, no travel, no need loan etc…
So much I’ve spent for drugs before! Holy shit, hundreds of thousands month by month…
But also I experience this kind of ‘digging into’-sness – I am a bit digged at this moment – this consciousness I am within – and AS – before my tool was the acid and mushroom to not allow myself to deeply interact with this society – I’ve defined myself as a some sort of shaman who is living at the edge of the common consciousness and doing these trips within the vast undefined for exploration of self.
But this is over – I am exploring my own consciousness, my own mindness, my own self-created self-containment as referred as Talamon as Jozsef Berta within this human society.
The acid was a handy tool to remove all connections with the ‘outer world’ from my perspective – but as I see it now – it was a defense mechanism. It was a mechanism what I used to not being touched by the world, to be able to go into my ‘crystal-palace’ to remain as I perceived myself to be.
Now I am here and no more blow – and I see that when I do not fuck my mind with substances – I am quite similar than the others – pretty much – I mean – what the fuck?
Wake up, going to work, sitting at the computer, being busy with buying, eating, playing, desiring for woman and power and money and of course time – and then going to sleep and dreaming intensely and on the next day start all over — of course spiced with some tiredness, pain, resistance.

This no-drug strategy made me aware about who I really became within this existence.
The self-honesty, and self-explorative self-intimated writing with the specific, absolute living expression of self-forgiveness is the solution.
What I’ve transcended already? Well I do not know, even I do not care, but I am aware that I still tend to being mind-fucked by a pretty girl face when I allow myself to define it ‘beautiful’ – this is what I became aware some days ago…
Interesting because I do not want to have a relationship, I do not want to being addicted to arousement, I do not want to be with a girl only for sex and I do not want to lie(for myself and for anybody else) about this – especially when somehow being with a girl and then I am not directing but my desire is manifesting and I move(for instance kissing a girl who I do not want to kiss really) and then this brings up some strange events, like for instance that particular girl want me in bed and I do not want it but if I do not stand up and say what is inside then the event will occur and will be intense as it is not being directed as me as one as equal but somehow it is being determined by the suppression, dishonesty to reveal who I became to realize who I am not to be able to realize what is real here.

Hm so interesting. Even my sight is quite liquid – at this moment is is not so sharp than some days before – will see… I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to see what is near me.
This indicated that I do not see what is directly here, because I see pictures within my mind…
So drugs – sometimes this urge can come up about ‘let’s eat some grams of mushroom’ to clear my mind but I am also sceptic with that stuff, even when I could say that is the most ‘natural’ shit of all…
Because it would not be an escape and step-back? For sure yes…
But this brings up the fact that I can pretend something what I am not, so everything is compounding, and it is really systematic, and I still tend to listen to it and ‘giving myself into’ it as a slave, as a drone of the system by trsting within the system about ‘it will give me the best’ – instead of realizing that is self-deception, I am not taking self-responsibility.
Because the fact is that I am here, right here within this 3D existence and I have to do everything for myself – noone else will do it — and I am sure that I do not want to fuck myself up by dieing on a day and realizing that I missed the opportunity to stop the mind stabiliy within 3D, just because I had excuses and desires…

So let’s stop desire – not slowly, but directly, not participating – and I did some times already – when I tend to react and being attracted – I say self-forgiveness and direct myself to be here and breath and kind of embracing the whole of me and ‘teaching myself’ to release by realizing that is not necessary.

Because also so much I would like to do but this urge about desire makes me move on a way what take my ‘precious’ time totally when I do not work at the office…

Somehow this DISCIPLINE what I still lack.
And when I ‘had’ this before – that was with drugs – the drug was transformed into discipline, even without drugs, because I had just remind me that this is the same when I am on drugs, and that was so often, that all was melted into one…

Discipline I need? How and when and why and with what I’ve separated myself from discipline?

This samurai mentality I’ve defined as useful – and I’ve spent quite amount of ‘time’ to persuade myself that I am developing discipline – it was by motivation – I wanted something and this discipline I’ve used – but in fact this was never real from the literal meaning of discipline.
For instance when I paint – I pain, I mean I am painting. This can be referred as discipline – but no artificial injection was necessary – because I was the brush, the color, the paper – so I manifested myself as the painting.

So the discipline I’ve defined as something abstract what is a kind of universal energy – and this discipline was well maintainable with weed – when I wanted to play or make music – I smoked and I did it for hours – and when I wanted to paint – I smoked and then I painted. So the drugs were kind of pointers within my mind – and of course the effect – because when I used weed, I liked when it has real effect, not just some – because then I had the perception that ‘I had enough stuff’ – or more than was necessary – and this came from the idea of egodeath – with acid – when it was not too much – it was not enough – because when it’s too much – then the ego is struggling with it’s survival – and when it’s too much – the ego cant contain all – so it is being pushed down or being explored — of course for a while only – but that ‘time’ was quite enough for me to ‘pace myself’ and get rid of the latest connections with existence to remain this kind of ‘abstract, untouched’ person.
Because I had burned myself several times and I tried to avoid it…
For instance with love, with people, with myself – and I was in panic but with psychedelics, I could program myself to contain all this shit and sometimes push it down and sometimes just simply blow it all away(the mind-set-tree-consciousness system diagram what was used for defining who I am)…

But this always ‘grew’ back – it was so organic – after the trips, thought by thought similar I’ve built up and the interesting was that every time I’ve built it up – somehow it accomodated more likely than the previous…
I’ve called these as ‘lives’ just like reincarnation within the same body…
But I had the struggle to handle this with common sense…

These charging outs were the starting point of my self-definition, because these were the only one stable point within my life — I mean the life what I wanted to see for myself by myself as myself — and the other sides I never even considered to look at it, the shadow of me…
The shadow of me what was the ‘real’ part of me what made me grow as the opposite…

And this shadow had the fear, doubt, disbelief, the regret, the shame and the tiredness, agression, depression.

These I’ve contained as suppression or denied as attention divertion and the whole mystic exploration were about to (re?)discover these as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procastinate.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to breath here as moment as me as life as me as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define time and by my definition I am within the limit of time, by participation of time I am within and as time – and as this I am only my own limit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time, instead of realizing that time is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I am alone, I am tend to use thoughts instead of being here as act as the living words.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was compromising myself by defining that I do not have time for self exploration and self honesty instead of realizing that was an act as attempt of trying to escape from myself, to deny who I am already to be able to avoid self-responsibility for myself as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define something about to ‘not to’ – and if I am not push myself to remain here – then when I am not the directive principle – it will be made by myself indirectly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am not the directive principle when I give myself into definitioins, hope or projecting out the self-trust, to be able to see, because I doubt myself and then doubting the whole real-ness of me — and by this revealing myself to myself about I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for having sex with woman to prove myself that I am worthy for being a company for women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worthy when I am able to be with woman and giving pleasure to her and when I am not doing this for a while, questioning myself about am I real man?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to arousedness to fight against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself and wanting to fight because I’ve defined some parts of me as stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being controlled by others by my desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define faces as beautiful and being attracted to these beautiful faces.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am attracted to that what I’ve defined as beautiful because I defined myself as separated from beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I give up on myself even for a breath – I am deceiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express self-interest, not considering all as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to develop practical solution to stop participate within arousedness by accepting and allowing it because I am defining myself as it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to say what I do and to do what I say as one as equal all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself because I did not stand up unconditionally when I had something defined as ‘bad’ within childhood, because I had not practical solution how to stand up for and as me and then defining myself as this ‘did not stand up’ and then becoming angry with myself about ‘why’ instead of realizing how it happened and how to stop it in all ways…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with multiple beings because I defined this as missing from my life because for years I did not dared to be with a girl and it compounded – release it unconditonally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go forwards’ within my head and defining what is here as ‘unimportant’ or ‘unnecessary’ or ‘boring’ or ‘bad’ and by not being here, not being aware of the deception as separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire Gyongyos to be with and fondle her body and touch her because I’ve defined her as beauty. I delete this definition.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have somebody within my mind as an altair to worship with to being occupied and exclude the whole world except her to not need to take responsibility for all as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the game about ‘let’s manifest dishonesty to be aware of it because it is so ingrained and suppressed, I even am not aware of it, so just let is come out/up’ – and then being obsessed with it and literally forgeting how and why I am allowing it – smells like ‘loosing myself within and as consciousness’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself even for a second, because it would mean that I do not trust me, so I am not real.

ok for now, that’s it

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