Self forgiveness, regret, past, tiredness etc

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think while I am editing video.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath naturally when I am editing video.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define thinking as help to be able to do things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge thinking as a support to be able to do things such as editing video.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate with things within my past while I am doing something – not realizing that like this I am not fully here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my breath because I am focusing to my thoughts – like a self-deceptive choice is being made in every single breath to chose deception instead of releasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the outbreath when I am breathing – because I defined it as ‘it will happen automatically’ -while I am not here — instead of being aware of the whole breathing cycle as me as one as equal here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the stabilization of myself as breath in every single moment here physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the outbreath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the outbreath, just because believing within a buddhist scripture what describes a breathing technique just like “taking the breath in deeply, holding in and then just allowing to being released” – instead of me, as myself as breath out moving myself as self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the illusion of freedom.

In the last days I got so much realisations about how I operate as system.
I’ve decided to stop the sexual explorations and for a week I did not participated within it – and I’ve also decided to stop it for 3 more weeks what ended in eight days.
In fact it looks like my participation within the sexual energy is still deep impacted to my moments – so it would mean that I am suppressing sexual emotions-thoughts-desires and when I am not absolutely here – I can deceive myself – by compounding it within myself – it’s like a fountain of energetic particles – so much refractional participation slowly builds up a kind of entity within myself and when it’s kind of intense – I literally split and simply like a program takes control and I somehow let it – and it can lead me to kind of ‘worshipping’ to pictures to get the arousement – so this arousing stuff is deeply programmed within me – and by the psychedelic drugs, probably I reproduced that kind of energy-management on a different way, but now as that is stopped – the old methodology I’ve returned to what I built up in childhood – kind of fantasies of pornography what leads me back to the very young age where I’ve started this to use as an attention divertion from here. In fact I’ve wrote about it several times, and I deeply penetrated(lol) within the core of my self-accepted programming about how and why I let myself to be addicted to energy/arousement/desires.

And the fascinating point is that all of these are very intense cycles of specific thoughts – so the specific, well upgraded picture-based energy-thought participation is this kind of sexual program-behaviour what I still let myself to do.

Much I’ve learnt about the ‘will’ – ‘motivation’ – these are areas within myself waiting to be explored – as I am sure that I can WILL myself to be absolute self honest to chose what is HERE as common sense in every breath — even I can do this – but the already manifested circumstances are managing the environment and my habits about to reveal how much excuses I could build to simply deny the necessity of self-will as self-honesty as self-direction.

Interesting point also that what I do in a moment – I reveal myself to myself – and if I dare myself to be self-honest – I can experience what I accept and allow…

So what is important today to write down that about yesterday I became quite aware of the practical methodology of self-pushing within the moment – and it was quite stable at the first time — and much shit revealed within myself BUT the practical way was obviously simple and as I moved – I started to push myself and a fascinating thing became obvious:
these words can describe the situation what I allow to stop push myself:
tiredness, regret, defeat — and divertion & excuse/justification

So when these compound – I simply choose to compound more of the first ones or I start to intensely desire as a divertion(in fact like a manifested defeat)
Desire after woman, sex, things – and those will be kind of columns within the whole mind-manifestation. Kind of building up a big sanctuary by these pillars.
Building and building and building – and when it will be big, I mean BIG – it will be cold, freezy and shaky – really closed and kind of rigid – so I start to build it more fast — kind of programmed reaction to it – and this reveals that I still hope that it will help even when so unhuman I feel like meanwhile…

I can use the example of babel-tower – I build it and I build it and it becomes unstable, so within the fear that it wont long last – I build it so fast and intensely in the end, within the hope that I will reach the ‘destination’ with it – so it goes all along and within one moment: it simply just completely falls – and as I am at the top – I hit the rock bottom, very hard.
And within the hitting, I just let all go – and I am realizing – but by the vast amount of release and energy – I can transfer it to a some kind of awareness about how much I went to realize one point of dishonesty and simply just let that go allows me to be free of that need, desire, fear etc.

This expanding awareness is getting more broad – I started to explore this falling in the last days – and all energy goes like to one – and when it is one – I use it by instinct – and kind of rocket and kicks me ‘up’ and I face some shit and then it depletes and I fall.

Sorry by the harsh language, and the ununderstandable expressions, but this is necessary at this moment: to write down this, and as I go along, it will be more obvious – for me and for those who may read.
Because this is really cool. Because this is who I am – this is the dark side of the of me – the very essence of self-centered, self-deceitful self-vampiric dishonesty: simply using self-defeat as an excuse instead of standing up immediately by taking responsibility by pushing myself to change and not fall back by my own temptation.
Because I attempt to go to temptation in one specific case: tiredness.

When I am tired – I use the old methods to simply deny it and try to prove the opposite and fight against this tiredness. Mostly by attention divertion(arousedness, massive thinking, emotional bursting or boosting with some stuff(previously by psychedelic drugs, now sometimes with strong tea, coffee) or even with pain.

But in fact this tiredness has many aspects.
So here I am exploring tiredness.

Ten years ago I’ve decided to not suffer about women. Because I had this huge pain, just because in that moment the girl – she said that she did not love me. And that made me totally defeated – I’ve managed to focus all my life, my attention, my energies, my everything to one point: about that I was within the mindfuck of ‘fall in love’.
And that consumed me entirelly – and I did not spared even a hairthreadlike from myself – everything just was this ‘love to her’. And when she said that – I was disintegrated. And I cried so much that I could not stop for a really long time until the tears just depleted and my breath was like a one has who was just hanged.
So in that release I was like ok, this is over, but I DO NOT SUFFER because of woman like this anymore – but that statement was so strong that it took much more than ‘just women’.
In a certain way – I’ve closed myself – I shielded and armored myself up so strongly because of the gigantic pain – and in fact I became quite bitter – brutally sceptic and critical. This made me very mental – and the emotions I’ve just managed to suppress and deny – manipulate and shame and regret.

Interesting that this was not one moment but a short period of time in a night. There were parts, like: I was after her – she tells the truth – I realize the truth – I fall – I suffer – I give up – I want to end all – I release – I make a statement.

So that program probably still I am because much parts I still experience about these. And in fact I did not cry since then. Ok some crocodile tears I had and I can flow my tears in a deep intense movie if it’s well scripted and composed to do so – but like real cry I just can’t.
When in the forum people say that or some person tells this – I can react some ways – like I can envy that or I can regret the lack of ability to cry – or just hope that some point will make me cry again — but it is tricky – am I looking for cry as a salvation or a release? In fact I’ve made myself to not being able to cry – so I am here already containing all the situation right here.

All consciousness-based wisdom is just like bullshit because those are separation-based – the mind as the sly, the mind as the machine – the mind as the tool – these are flawed, misinterpreted attemts to control a situation from a perception of a particle instead of considering the WHOLE situation. Because I and the mind – it can not be separated – it can not be denied that I represent my mind and my mind represent me – as one as equal – and if a way works with one of these – the other just does not change – and both are one – reflections of the same expression: self.

So I am taking full self-responsibility – to explore this suppression of emotion – this tiredness, this defeat – this fear of being harmed and the tiredness from the whole fight.
Because I can stop myself and my mind as one as equal here – by exploring who I am – how I behave and why – and when I understand myself – I can stand as one as equal to and as what I manifested, what I represent, what I created, what I am – the unification of me as who I am.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I can not cry – instead of taking self-responsibility and realizing the points what this indicates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from what is here to illusionaric dimensions to try to escape from what I have manifested and by the idea of separation – within the hope of i can avoid to face who I am – continously running.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that if my starting point is not here breath as me as all as one as equal – I am in separation and therefore I will experience this separation as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I secluded myself into my mind as an idea of myself – because of fearing taking self-responsibility and start living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to stand up as who I am and express myself unconditionally because I allowed myself to program myself to believe that who I am is the definition of myself what is related to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in love by believing that there is one specific being who will make me happy and joyful instead of realizing that all that revealed is the self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt myself into a secluded relationship with an other one and exluding the other beings instead of realizing that the very essence of other is merely conditional and illusionaric.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I wanted to escape from myself who I am into the idea of love within the hope of this will help me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the very participation of thoughts/feelings/emotions – I’ve created the ‘pink cloud’ of love to a specific being – in a response of events what took place around me and I was totally directed to react in this way without my awareness/self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define refusal to my love as defeat.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define defeat as pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define refusal as failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my experiences according to thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that my ‘love’ was refused.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am poor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am skinny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am powerless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to my regret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am not hero.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am a slave.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am not beautiful in the eye of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I define myself according to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I did not learn music in basic school.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I was born in a poor family.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that my father was an alcoholic lost.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I became tired.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret because I use it as a self-defeat and self-punishment because I am aware of that I am responsible and still I do not change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn act as I do not regret because I even regret that I regret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I do not have magical powers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am addicted to thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am addicted to orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am addicted to my own ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am addicted to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am addicted to regret.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that regret is just a justification to not actually practically change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I am angry to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to myself because I did not stand up as life unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry because of others – instead of realizing that what they express – I react to it myself and I make my experience up to what I experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to the humans and society because of the current situation -instead of realizing that they are reflecting to me what I have accepted and allowed to manifest as a human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my angar because as I am powerless – others who has power can exert their angers with power to me and that would mean that I would be destroyed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear from being destroyed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire powerful to be able to stand against those who exert their anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire power because I had not in fact and I did not do anything for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from nyself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I did not stand up within the past and wanting to remain like this until I am forced to do something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to myself because I did not stand up unconditionally for myself as who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame that I did not stand up unconditionally instead of standing up unconditionally as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use polarity manifestations against my regret and anger to not get mad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not do something against to my regret and anger, I would go mad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being mad as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use justification and purpose to balance the manifestation of regret within myself instead of standing up as life as breath as inner silence as practical change in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upgrade my justification and purpose within myself to balance the accepted and allowed regret and self-hatred within myself to be able to exist as ‘normal’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be normal to be accepted by others because I did not accepted myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to others, other’s norms to be able to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separated from the world, from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to get what I want, because I defined myself regarding to what I want.
i forgive myself that I have not considered to stop wanting because then I would be here without purpose and justification and then I would start to experience who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired from my own regret and justification and anger and fear and transfer it to a depression what makes me not moving and using it as an excuse to not stand up unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am fighting, I will be tired and I will be hopeless and helpless until I do not give up the fight against myself and take self-responsibility practically.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tiredness within myself is because of this fight against what I already have accepted and allowed to manifest and as I fight against it, I deny to experience it as me as who I became – and until that I am not capable of unifying myself here as all of me and I am fractioned and I am directed.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I desire – I will experience desire instead of experience myself – because desire in fact is not real and if I desire – I am of desire and I am not real and I can only experience that I am of this unreal desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I am not real – and proving myself to myself that what I fear of – I am.

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