Ok I make a list about what I do not want to forget anymore until I transcended.
-some tirednes when comes up – only necessary to push trough and realize that I am breath as expression and apply self-forgiveness anything comes up on and as
-resistance on some specific ‘areas’ what I’ve defined as avoidable or fightable – this implies women, finishing music and be self-honest with anybody, especially those who I have memory with – called family, friends etc — when avoidance occurs, simply apply self-forgiveness and see what is being digged up and apply self-forgiveness and push self until the core is here and one and equal I stand — when I realize that I fight – I stop and see reactions as well and see what I fear to loose and simply experience to let it go and explore what remains
–embarrassedness – this is actually cool – kind of presence-test — discipline and breath and enjoy what is here
–fear from not having enough resources (basically money) – this is ludicrous, actually I will get a contract for unlimited time in a huge company – until nukewar, probably it will last — more precisely: until I will leave
So here is a girl who wants to meet with me and do some nasty things but she is inhibited from a perspective, and I am simply aware about how I would react about her: probably one curly night and that’s it.
For me at this moment is important to push me trough from avoiding physical contact to actually facing with.
In fact there is the other girl who I dream with sometimes and she is just attracting me with her simplicity and beauty and innocence – and she wrote to me that soon we meet.
I do not accept myself to have an another relationship anymore – so this stuff brings up some past unfinished businesses – and I can say – I am ruthless, but in fact I do not identify myself as who I really am with the emotional content what I actually let to direct me – only I open myself unconditionally and realize what is this and how it happened. No romantic bullshitting.
I already seen what this looks like – shining light-systems within my human physical body until I do not stop participate. I stop.
This emotional participation is much-much less stronger, overcoming and deeper than one-two years before – but in fact I can still explore the influence within my expression and I do not accept this.
I got the flu – it came fast, and it was extensively intense, painful, but looks like the real shit of this actual one has gone – what left is a little tiredness and sick throat and lot of coughing.
It was like my spine was burning and my limbs were freezing – or broken.
My head was dizzy and barely I could think so I pushed myself to simply breath.
I was watching Heroes 1 series and these emotions came up – and I almost cried – I was literally burning inside. It was like a transformation.
I tend to forget that nothing to fear – I can really do whatever I want – and the excuse to explore this because of the fear was to lie to myself that I do not know what I want.
I am who I am – I do not need to want who I am – I am simply who I am, so I express.