I work all day, actually every day – weekend or not – this is one big pushday.
I work hard, I even do not think, how much I am at the office – something changed within me. I am my work. People are being kicked out, even within the team – some are really professionals – this not about friendship, not even how long they were at the company or how they are good in their job. Simply just cutting down the branches as the spring comes – this brings much questionmarks all around me but I do not care. I work here and I do not separate myself from them or from my work.
I started to be good. I’ve never worked at a comapny for one year – this is it. One year – it’s enough to stabilize my feet on what I am doing and the fruit is much-much days – something I perceived as stuck and swampy – or something what is freezed – started to move. I move, and I get what I want and then will see.
Within two months I will be able to financially stand up from loans – and my tiny studio is getting ready.
Work of me – the work as me.
I started to notice that I defined myself as not getting aroused but as I noticed, I defined myself – I started to be aroused – I got some movies, I watched and interesting was to see – I ‘ve defined myself according to suppression.
And I’ve defined that that girl wanted to have movies and I dared myself to justify this with her – projection – mind-obsession — obvious exposion.
I needed this suppression to define me to remain this. But not anymore.
Simply because I wanted to avoid living woman but still wanting to have release when the bomb is starting to explode – but still remain as a bomb. Because then I can say – fuck, I am a bomb, what does not explodes, but still a bomb.
So Explosion? I did it – outnumbered occasions it happened by horsekicking psychedelics – those were not real but in fact the kicking was real. I kicked myself indirectly because I was not here and I pushed myself. But from over there – to over over there. In fact it is more simple to push myself here.
I am here – I push myself here.
Every moment I do not push myself – I am being pushed back from my unpush-ness.
Of couse it does not matter – when I start to step back from the push – it comes and I step back and it is me – my shadow manifestation is pushing me.
Also this girl – we did chat and I experience the urge to get her but I in fact there is something what is holding me back.
It is more precise than a nuclear plant. Because in fact I am leting myself to dream about an another girl just because of the memory – and the another girl is waiting for being ‘hunted’ – and I enjoy to express myself as honesty and when I act – I experience myself as pushing her to realize self honesty and than I realise that I push me and then I am pushing here constantly what ever is this here – and when it’s undefined and I am directing – it is obviously effective.
This bullshit knowledge system what I am stopping – it is huge – but that wisdom is system wisdom – fucks me up and down and IO define myself according to these frequency sample treshold statistics? Fuck the system – fuck the memory – embrace time and space as breath in and as every single moment.
Probably the desire to be with that girl who I dream regularly – or if not then the dream is obviously about this kind of entity. Let’s face this stuff in real. So much suppression comes out and knocking on the closed doors – Hey, Tala, are you here? Are you in?
So – push yourself in every single moment – because this is the gift of self. the push of self as self-honesty to live moment here.
I push my mother as me – I push that girl on chat, I push my sister, unconditionally dealing with and as everything here as me.
Enjoying work – and this is like if I trust me in every moment – I am the manifested trust placement within and as me: then nothing to worry, enjoy the show and every fail-all-ure is just part of the movement – as whole as everything.
Still darkness is avoided from a point – self-trust experience opens up doors every day – this process is very simple – express and express and express.
The first hungarian guy joined on desteni hungarian site – he asked me where to start or what to read, and I’ve suggested him some docs, videos.
that’s all – on this week I write more again.
It actually does not matter how much I work – I am starting to be more focused when I am awaken – I do and act and I push me and then I sleep, and I wake up and I push myself again – interesting to see how much I’ve defined myself according to energy related to sexual expression – sexual release, or orgasm – I’ve defined myself according to sexual suppression – and my energetical level according to the amount of sexual desires, suppressions – what always caused tiny shocks within my body, experiences – so I experience with this – to not suppress – but express – and will see what will be unfolded. I did quite some self forgiveness aloud about this energy stuff and sexual stuff and I change – I have to change because I am already changing – it’s unstoppable. I as breath stopping the participation within the mind to remain inner silent.
So much I can fight with a simple stuff – but it’s unnecessary.
These self-forgiveness sentences what I say in these days – I stabilize with this post:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energy as amount according to the quantity of suppression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and transform it to depression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress desires and anger into deprssion – instead of realizing that this anger is towards me because I did not stand up and I did regret the stepping back from myself – instead of standing up and pushiny myself trough my previously accepted and allowed nature to explore what is actually here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing with girl because I fear from having fall into possession of her as relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that in the past I lost my head because of girls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chose girls according to how much I could fly away in my mind from here and saying that these girls are really special so probably will assist me to fly away to another dimensions/worlds who the fuck knows where to actually not being here as expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire girl to have sex instead of realizing that this is a programmed self-definition system about how to remain exactly the same according to suppressions and definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny me and try to escape from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define orgasm as something what takes my energy away – and within participation in this belief – I started to perceive myself as this and then I was totally the slave of this illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my power related to how much I avoided sexual expression – just because I’ve defined sex as nasty, or low.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I became quite soon possessed with sex and that’s why I looked after another expressions or explorations such as drugs, music, travel etc to avoid sex.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that sex is the mind-energy rejuvenartion system’s main fuel – and until I fight against it – it will persists.