Self-forgiveness: trust – step 1b

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls as magical beings who brings up more from me because I gave away my power and wanting to be able to express myself but I could not and it was a ‘conscious’ throwing away the pieces of my power to be able to use this situation as an excuse about: ‘I can not do anything, but with woman: yes.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I judged girls to be able to divert my attention from myself as myself here – about how and who I experience myself within and as the moment and because of the intense inner fight – I used this as a divertion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conform and see other’s example about wanting and getting and having a girlfriend is normal, worthy and cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become programmable and eventually become programmed about wanting to have a girl because then I can enjoy myself more likely with her – instead of realising that I am here and this is an excuse because I can not enjoy alone myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire about a girl will find me and then she will control the situation and ‘get me’ and I was hoping that she will be beautiful and then I just can enjoy the fruit of this kind of relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the desire after girl as a divertion of my attetion from my inner turmoils and self-doubts into them because of the judgement of them about how beautiful and shining they are and I wanted it because I couldnt not find, experience theese words within me as me here as one as equal and I experienced this separation within me what I wanted to rejoice trough this desire instead of stopping the desire and exploring that I am here as all as breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as who I can be horny to.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as who I can trust about I can be able to desire her unhiddenly and get her freely and touch her body because then my desire could fulfill and I wont have to experience this lack of experience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching as arousing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define touching girl as arousing because of my past memories when I touched girls I became aroused because of other memories.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did put worth and value into women’s body separatedly from me because I did not experienced this here as me as one and equal so I wanted to stop this separation trough having a girlfriend and whenever I would experience this separation then I could prove to myself that is not here – but in fact yes but for the moment when I could define that – I ‘fulfilled my desire’ – I simply equate the polarity for a moment – and then it would restart over and over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girlfriend as somebody who is really appearing near me as something nice, beautiful, worthy, valueable, and by this I could be more recognised by other human beings, because about what I ‘have’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to give a fuck about what others should judge about me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get other’s attention to get feedbacks about me – because I perceived myself as not real and weak and unworthy so I wanted to give positive feedbacks to polarize my own fears about me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am embarrased about me because of my opinional expectations about me based on my own judgements and definitions – what are based of fear – fear of me what is really fear from fear – and within the experience – I am controlled by and as it and acting it out – and I am not here only this fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to fit in into the society because I was fearful alone, and I saw that everyone doing this so I better copy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself because I defined that I did not find myself so wanted to find myself within other’s behavioural.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define girls as value in this world because of their outfit and beauty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as skinny, poor powerless because others judged me as this and I defined myself according to what others say about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others judge me based on their previous judgements – not realising then I am copying their dishonesty practicality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to balance,equate, substitute my poorness,skinnyness and powerless state by ‘obtaining’ a beautiful girl, my precious who can be the subject of my reflection.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate humans trough ‘having a beautiful girlfriend to show up’ as my value and worth to fit in and being appretiated by their own fears and judgements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game about ‘who I am within the system based on what others judge and reflect back to me’ even when I realised this is happening – I accepted it as this is the way of indirect self-control – instead of realising this is of separation of self-dishonesty based on fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my partner’s dishonesties but not standing up to say ‘this is who you are’ to assist her because I had the same issue – rather than I choosed to play this game as a war strategy to not become inferior and being sure that she is doing this to remain this polarity manifestation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my partner trough her self-doubt and fears by playing with other girls – but not totally to not have to face what I am doing – only scratching the surface – because if I would go to deep then it would be ‘cheating her’ – but like this it was accepted for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I need a partner to hide the self-dishonesty and get support to conceal dishonesty and getting feedbacks about ‘I am this dishonesty, and is cool’ – because the partner has the same and we support each other to remain dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-interested, not realising that I separate myself from myself trough the perception of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I defined betrayar when I tickled an another girl’s bellybutton when I was drunk, especially when I told this to my girlfriend and she was pissed off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel more important myself when a girl was fearful to loose me because then it would mean that I am worthy and valueable so I am somebody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and pissed off when my girlfriend told me that she did french sex with my living-mate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define her act as having oral sex with an other guy who was living with me as betrayal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner based on she ‘cheated me’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself when my partner had sex with an another male because of the fear that I am not good enough and then she will leave me and I will be alone and I have to face with myself alone as who I became because she wont be here to be with to occupy with to divert my attention from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inferiority when I was a kid and an adult said something to me as a command and I had to do it without any question.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hate towards the grownups when they ordered me to do something what I did not wanted to do but I had not choice because I was fearful of punishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because I am too weak to stand up and to say no to grownups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define grownups as more powerful than me just because of their size.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go inner supressed anger and hate because of others what forced me to do – instead of realising that this is not related to me, only themselves and it is reflecting to me and as I react – I manifest it.

I forgive myself to hate to be man because I felt powerless when I judged me according to my phisical body as muscular or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, to believe, to fear from the actual strength and beauty is related to how big and strong I am because the media and others and girls! said this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out other’s positive judgements to be sure that I am cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become rich to buy self-confident to me to be able to act accordingly to attract women to be able to ‘get’ a nice one to become a man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my father because he was not a ‘real macho man’ because he was poor and weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame my body because it is snowwhite and not brown as other’s have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define mind and intelligence as more ‘strong’ or more ‘important’ than phisical muscles – based on movies and books about the bosses are ‘clever’ and not so strong phisically – and I wanted to be boss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the actual phisical reality based on my thoughts about this is inferior than the consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the phisical so attemted to escape totally to ‘consciousness’ what is not here – but this was impossible so I started to build complex illusions to fit in and be able to remain dishonest until I could and all did not fall.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am here and I can stop this definition system what moves me automatically.

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