Outcast

I am getting realised how I cause the perception of an outcast.
I am here and I lost all contact – because I became stinky with my sharp tongue – about there is no middleway – robots or life – and if somebody is robot then I say it to the face.
And in the last months I spent some time to re-conform, because I had to to find a job – and at workplace I look normal, I work, having fun but in fact I am a moving experiment – I feel like I let this consciousness to experiment on me as me – as I did give my responsibility to the ‘apparently-living’ consciousness – now here I am nowhere – because as I dare myself to be here then I am facing with an extensive programmed behaviour and if one moment I fall – everything falls – and I am not here – definetly – without any doubt I am looking trough a strange program.
What is the meaning of this? Why is this complicated ‘french-style’ blabla before I just write directly?
Am I ready to let go?
I re-rewatched the last Bourne part and this is very cool script – as the Dr Hirsch at the end says ‘Let go David Webb’ – and ‘Really give yourself to this program.’ – and

‘Eventually you’re gonna have to face the fact you chose right here to become Jason Bourne.’

And in fact the programming is the same as the deprogramming – as I gave up everything when I let myself to be of consciousness very consciously lol – it is the same to give it up – and I had the big mouth about I am good in giving up – but in fact is a polarity – because I am definied myself as giving up but for this I need to ‘collect up’ to be able to give up – and all give up then gives up more and then is like a sin-us wave – but it is getting more and more intense and compounding as I am stable and I am breath and I am getting to be realised that I am here and in the next moment I am totally dissolved within the geometric relationship and I have to find out how to stand up again from scratches.
It is serious. And of course I could be having fun meanwhile – but is like ‘rude’ – because this is very machine-like – and the meat does not change anything – from the perspective that I have meat and bones and blood – I became a vampiristic organic robot machine for serving one goal: to feed off this human physical body of life until it has anything…

And this is no more like a sinus wave, but getting to be totally straight lines from up and down and the polarity is in crisis and really hell-like – and the supressions are coming so intensely to surface that is really more intense than on acid – but only because I stop being breath and as I stop being breath it becomes more and more real and as it becomes more and more real – I start to forget that is because of the absent of being aware of the breath of me as me here.
So this is kind of gift of slavery – this huge desire, this huge will and this enormous fear what I ‘have’ – theese what I have to let go and is very easy.
But this letting go-ness and giving upness I defined myself to be as it – because I had to define years ago when I ‘started to be more aware’ – because I thought and hoped that something what is defined becomes more stable – and in fact yes – but to be undefined : it can not be defined and is the same with the giving up. I can not define how I give up because then in fact I do not give up, only manifest to be this definition of giving up – but for to be and to remain as this – I have to not give up completely to be able to remain ‘giving up’ and then I could judge myself and define that I am giving up – and is a huge and very tricky loop.
So let me give up everything. What would it mean, what I want to do before death…

Giving up wanting to direct movie, giving up wanting to make music, giving up having sex with woman and giving up wanting to build programmed robots. Actually theese are here. Oh yes and giving back the loan and what else can be a purpose. Move my ass to SA.

I am sure theese are very tricky excuses to not stand up as I defined theese as standing up – but became too much predefinied – so it obviously became a burden what is related to past and by this the relationship is still here and I am occupied.
So every day I have to restart and theese points are very intensely have to be sorted out:
sexual desire, and I did let myself to tricked out and I started to watch some sex movies and then I realised holy shit I am doing it for hours and I did not let myself to masturbate but I did not stop so I became aroused – and why? Because I supressed this desire, because I denied to just let it go, I let myself to think about it – and the key was here as tiredness – as I definied myself as tired – and I definied myself as more ‘fallable’ when I am tired – so I was tired and I wanted to have sex – because I was tired of my intense thinking/feeling/emotional charging, so I wanted to release – and I wanted it now and I became totally controlled by this want to release this ‘energy’ what makes me really dizzy and foggy – but in fact this is very interesting, beacuse if 3 points I do not let fall – motivate myself to sort it out, will myself to not participate within the mindwork and just focusing to the body as me as being here and experience the sight, hearing – as the breath(in fact I infused theese with breath what I have to unrelate to remain breath and no more) — then there is no way to fall – so I would like to write about self-will – I have to unbound the relationship with will related to the world…
I always said I have very very strong will if I decide something, but I always said: I did not decide 100% – so I did let some ‘random’ points to manifest what can cause my ‘fall’.
And when I have the chance to remain here – I start to see the points within me and when I define – I start to project the will to a point what is self-definition – as wanting to make movie for instance – and wanting and wanting and start to will it and I start to realise how it can be manifested and then because it is past-based, because it is definition-based, because it is fear-based – I start to manifest the doubt – and within that I see that I need more will, I need more strength, more ‘professionality’, etc, and then it starts to grow and compound – and it causes this kind of chain-reaction as I start to literally explode – as I want it but I can’t as I want to be it done so perfectly as I see that I can do this but I have to be focused stabily – but then it would mean to give up everything else – and be one and equal and then to realise that I am not separated – but this would mean I have to give up all the other definitions – and that would mean I would remain without other defense and I could manifest my biggest fear – the fail itself – but this fail would just mean that I fail from the perspective of separation. So I have to trust myself to fall. And interesting to see that I built up multiple pillars of occupations to ensure that I do not fall and moving from one and to another to not be able to even realise that I do not move just moving the focus without doing anything until it’s done. And like this no need to face with the fall…
Because this fall is always a release – as it bitter as it real. And the key is the ‘real’.
Because I have to dare myself to let my unreality to fall. And it will be intense, yes, it is already.
I see this outcastedness from this perspective as I am like an arrowhead – more likely a warhead – because I can shot myself up but then I do not explode – because this explosion would be irreversible – and I could burn everything up around me and I have to.

This pervertion issue comes up as I am really really capable of anything but that’s why I remained an abstract unusable joker. And it is my personal joke – the kidding itself. As when I am serious like this – means the mind is bleeding and soon will upcome the innocent child personality to overcome and prove that everything is cool and I am a kid.
Polarity.
I even can not follow this writing – I just let it to be written – because this is all total bullshit – I try to prove to myself that I am really intense and kind of strong but I can not do anything really instead of expressing this intensity.
What I could represent in the matrix, cool question. I am really enjoying this process of self-realisation, because I always wanted to be the part of the whole existence and change it and is very cool that I am here and I can change myself.

And the fear of money is really ridicoulous, because I spend it as a fool – but I want to have more, and I want to spare it, so this fear comes true.
And I bought this programmable robot kit and 2 of the chip’s pinfoot broke down, because it was not recognised by the computer, so I forced, and then I had to buy a soldering kit and re-solder and it is still not working – so I spent a lot of money for nothing and I ordered an another kit what will be maybe better but this caused a little frustration and I did not let myself to breath.
What else happened – I watched a movie Call of Cthulhu – and it was really cool, I always loved HP Lovecraft’ works, as I always knew that the really inner darkness is in each of ourselves and he wrote it and he became sick of it and still wrote and he eaten up himself and got ass-cancer and he just died but he wrote the most fearful deep-dark frightening horrorbooks what I ever read…And in my teen age I enjoyed this because was similar to my experiences – and this movie brought it up a little. I also wanted to write a novel about this and then direct it in a movie, but I did not finished.

Also I started to make trance music tracks, around 5 I started to do what could be really cool, what I could enjoy to finish, but I judged it and I feared the outcome and regreted the time what would take away from my ‘life’ so I stopped those.
So this striving to express myself is what makes me to a reason to exists – it is what is killing me – so let me stop this.

I started to forget how I can act freely as much I want – I do not need to concern my outfit, or my hair, or face, or my language – I live almost totally alone and I do not have anybody.
I wanted to be more closed with my exgirlfriend who I was with at the first time at the university, but I was quite honest and said to her that “you are a robot, very cute, but just a program, will be deleted” and I also said to her that ‘you could be really cool, but you are the same as others, you are not self-honest’ and in fact I was with her and I desired to be able to change her to realise what could mean to be self-honest, and we spoke much, and I spoke much about process, and then I said to her that self-forgiveness is the key, but she never even considered, and I see the self-definition is more intense that could be released at this point – and I became more and more opened with her and then I just not realised that I want to use her as she is here any time when I want her – and I was like OK, maybe she can be in my movie – and I told her and I said ‘I want to make some shots to see how you are capable of and how you would shown up on screen’ and she said ok, but never did, and then she left her husband and I was like – cool then we could make this movie stuff, and I was very tired of my fight against my own nature and I just called her and asked about what could happen if we make some kind of sexual play and she said no thanks, she did 2 days with 2 different guys, but still did not processed her ex’s story, so no.. – and she offered to go a party where I could find a girl finally and she said then she will call me – and I wanted to call her about well, an other girl also will go there or not(another exgirlfriend who said ok to make movie lol) but she did not picked up the phone and rejected and then in that moment I realised what I was doing, and I wanted to use her as a pillar, just like in the past – and in that point I said ok, then when she will call me I will reject the phone as well, to make her feel how it is like, and I also realised the dishonesty within me, and then I realised this is over, I have to let her go unconditionally, I wanted to finish this, so I deleted her name from my phone – but anyway I know her number, so I wont call her again, because it is obviously dishonesty what I did…
And ok I was like ok maybe we can make sex but I was sure about she wont realise what would process mean about, and I was like ok, then I would use her to be in movie – not realising that was manipulation and I have to realise that she is uncapable of making movie… but this was so intensely a desire so I saw it in my head…
So this point was very cool that came up to surface – but was really really intense and I felt the rude-ness of the matrix for a while but as I type here I see this is because I did not apply self-forgiveness unconditionally and I did let myself burn with what I did let come to surface…

Also there is an ex-film guy who is the producer on my project at workplace, he said I have to be specialized on the movie scene, what I want to do – computer graphics, visual effects, cameraman, lightspecialist, screenplay writer, editor, producer or director. And at first I would say that I want to direct, but this comes up about can I give up this desire about filming?

Because if I would give up everything here – it would be really cool and kind of easy – but then it has to be really absolute because then I would let myself to re-occupy with something again – but that is ok, because it would mean that something is necessary to be sorted out…

So the dishonesty is here – I define myself so much as special – but in fact I am special only to define myself so special – l o l

This lol is really like a 1 0 1 – the room of 101.
The poems and novels are really the written collar in this world – and as I read and react – I build a relationship with and within and I exist as it and I manifest it and I say hey it is like in this..

Last week I did not post this because I did not finished and was very just came rubbish ..blablabla

At the moment basically it seems like an geometrical scientific logical system what I placed myself into and as.
Just like a well-refined computergame.
There are certain places for certain input or output.
There are some people who I keep contact up – and time to time it changes.
At this moment I keep in touch with a handful of people – and I am not judging but probably these are holding some keys.

It is like a Lovecraft novel…

So let ‘s see the people.

Hmm Cica – se was with me years before and we split – and after more some years we still keep in contact. What I want from her? I was about to have sex again but was silly.
And there was a good excuse as her husband but now he left. I like to be with the kid, but not too much time, because anyway I do not let myself too much time after work…
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to have sex with her petite body because if I let my mind to move I see it in past as the first relevant sexual relationship what basically formed the actual sexual system within me. And my past temptates me as I face again…

And I want to learn to make videoclips…Is cool that I can choose freely and just put it together and share and do another and make it real one by one I can become practical…
At this moment I started one and will see and I enjoy it…

And I want to make this animations – now started to learn how to move athe character – it is quite complicated – it is not just ok, let it move… Every part of the movement needs to be keyframed(controlled by time) and make it ‘real’. And to give a character – how walks an old lady with big bags or a young girl how moves her hip or how a man smoking a cigarette – and as I look at it – very specific – very deeply explains the being at the moment…So to be able to see the details and be able to look some points what I would like to see on screen – aand to be able to model it down – because if I could learn it to direct on tiny CG characters – then surely I could be able to do it with real humans – to make a movie…

So, this writing shows me that it looks like I suppressed myself again and now writing writing writing and just coming all…

But is cool to realize that: hey, I realize that I do not separate myself from the words – until I realize that “Hey I realize” – like this. L O L.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the word realize when defining something, even when it is something what can be defined as profound. It is just not necessary. Soo….

So I want to avoid to be in relationship but this words means that I give the chance so like fighting – this is again bullshit. In fact I still let myself to desire after touch(aftertouch the MIDI keyboard has it anyway but I do not use recently much) and intimacy as sex…but this is bullshit again – I realized already that this is about re-balancing the consciousness systematic behaviour – what I mean? Of course sexual intercourse.
Some years ago I also realized that this sex stuff is more complicated – so I was like avoiding until I can and then when a beautiful girl offers her ‘love’ I just let…
But after I realized one more interesting point: I do not pay the value for it…some girls sayed to me that I do not do something for it, just desiring as hoping – and this is the point…because this system balanced itself – with the fear of hurting other and the fear of loosing energy by sexing all the time..a bit similar like a guy who I know did with MJ – he stopped because when he smoked it became so intense habit so he did all the time – so it even did not effected himself really just kept him in totally stonedness and concerning all the time to remain stoned.

So is like I did this with the sex in the last 2 years – and then it just explodes and want to have right now – because this could take over my existence and just going after my dick literally…
But after it changed again as I started to transform this to making things – such as making movies and making music and learning how media works etc..
So I see that I am dangling with the carrot for myself.
Because I put desire and then pulling it away with the movement towards it.
Because I am here – and all I search and all I want is already here – me – my presence – my trust within me and just breath and let myself to not think.
Because obviously this thinking is very limiting and quite ridiculous.
So the self-honesty is the key – as I let myself to ‘be’ and not judging what I do – so like this letting go of wanting to control and having this strong commander about what I perceive, what I experience, what would be cool or what I want…
And then facing with silly/crazy/mad/painful experiences and then just seeing is this self-honest, am I dare myself to see why I do this or no. And then applying self-forgiveness…
And there is another self-forgiveness, what I do when I realize hey shit I forgot that I am here…because I wake up as thinking, and think some and then hey shit STOP.
And then forgiving this to stop…
And what is very assisting to say: I do not need to desire, no need to think about anything, no need to fear from anything, because I am here – so just breath and when has to then just do but if it is not here then let me not participate within memory.
So this part just was like what I wanted to bring up – more accurately I wanted to write down and now it is done…
So this people listing – maybe at the end I will re ‘render/order’ the columns of sentences, but anyway I write to myself and sharing…

Because the story of course will be about oneness and equality and facing past and then changing and how it affects the world directly and how the world directly affects the character.;..And being very intimidated with the inner movements – driving it until the point when all falls down and the pure ‘personality’ is front of the camera what is not even personality but someone who is really really the actor/actress without masks and that would be awesome to learn how to script up speeches and situations and then learn how it would be cool on screen.
So it will be a kind of experiment – because I know her and I have very strong ideas what I want to make – and it can be that of consciousness and that’s why self-dishonesty – but in fact I see nothing but consciousness at this moment – except of the breath what drives me…
So I would like to work with her – and sharing what would be self-honesty – and within that exposing myself and applying self-forgiveness and just using it on the project and on her and on me so this was the original stuff but then I realized that would be more fun if more people would join – so I saw what I ‘have’ so Viola came up as a name as I learnt quie enough about her also and she would be a very strong person on screen if she could act appropriately.
Of course I need more 2-3 people who would be also key in the first movie to be able to direct properly what I want tho share… but I am sure it is already here just have to realize it…

So this movie – and this persons I script up about being with them and then not wanting to have relationship because that already happened so I see the ‘con’sequences so I can say no and focusing on myself and the ‘work’.

And I have the tendency to wanting too much and then saying – ah it is too much – so making it by little steps it is possible.
And no more need just a cool HD camera with a crane. And of course a bit stronger computer, but after finishing the loanpayback I can upgrade the tech stuff.

So this directing is quite big issue but in fact the mind is big and I am here as the wholeness of everything without size.

Most important about this atm to not mix up the screenplay script with the directing and cameraman issues – because these 3 are totally separated realms what come together as one – at the very manifestation from 3 separated directions – but first need to be able to stand alone each.
As being able to word up a good story and characters and then being able to find visual implementation and then direct it appropriately and meanwhile being able to improvise without loosing the focus from the whole.

1 screenplay writing – need to continue to write about personal issues – what would change a person from the persceptive of self-honesty and then how it would practically influence the act and the perception of moments, days…
And still remain interesting and not too slow and of course not so much to film it..

2 camerastuff – I realized it is not just about taking the cam and record – it is not so easy – but what I can do that I can empty myself and then I experience as the camera – without notes without definitions just the observer – and then be able to direct this observer and not let myself to personally bond to the experience but remain totally empty – and then I can see what it is like and how it would be seen by others just the picture – and panning, zooming, the perspectives…. So it is also an experiment…The camera what I can use is borrowed and not so big resolutioned but very very handy. I found some places what would shown up quite cool – I will refine these situations as scenes with the characters.

3 directing – this is the more dangerous so I can say because to direct everything and that would mean to be able to say to others how I want things to be done – I see that I desired power – but now I motivate myself and will myself to be absolutely self-honest and let myself to expand as influence as the principle of oneness and equality.
And here comes in the animation stuff – as I started to learn how to animate computer characters – so in months I learn them to move and animate according to he role what I want to use them for…and gives them live – trough movement – very interesting – to see how I move, how a man moves when have pain or when feels happy or sadness…
And then just using the virtual camera to move and pan and zoom around and make preparations about how it would look if I would have to make it ‘in real’.

I start all of three – writing and writing – and playing with the camera and then cutting and seeing on screen – and see perspectives and then movements on screen back…
And the third with 3DS and AfterE.

This geometry is like I put myself into levels and then wanting to be done those and this means that I wond make it as my expression but more likely as a duty, a todo, a job – what is unacceptable. So that’s why I dare myself to do…

And this movie also can be a big divertion from music – as I still defined that I can not make music because I want to hear it aloud – and I still in this house with neighbours.
So that’s why was cool the idea to move – but the girls who I pay for the flat – she said maybe I can stay – so then I was like ouuhh, and I said well I like to be here – that was the part what does not want change and because of the awesome view from the window to the river, the island and the trees.
But I no need this anymore – I rather prefer a windowless flat – but I still ‘need’ internet, water and heat, and also would be cool a washing machine.
Also was an idea about maybe a little bit bigger place where I could set up some lights and a greenscreen to record shots inside. But bigger place means more money.
And I do not want to pay much. But I want to be able to listen very loudly – as this trance music what I want to make is built on the vibrational bass and the ruthless monotome kick drum and the very hard and aggressive synthsolos. Haha
So that’s why I do not have face to develop this in this house where I always hear the little kids…
So at this moment this is quite important – to move – to change – to let this go what I have now – and take the computer, the sound stuffs and let all other go.
Music and video – was an idea about choose one but no need – I want both – I can – and later will be decided or not – or both I will let go – at this moment does not really matters.
So this loan stuff looks like goint to it’s end – and then I will be faced with the money issue again – because now I do not buy anything – but I want – what I want and why?
I want to buy HD LCD and big and fast hard drive to be able to process and edit videos with the laptop.
And I want to have a cool microphone – because then I could start to record the jewsharp and drum stuffs – and Lacko can come and rap up some stuffs as we decided to make some kind of more mainstream project than the psytrance – mixed with breakbeat,dnb,ambient effects.
So this music stuff is cool – but I have to learn how to use sequencer as guru program and learn some virtual synths really – using them as walking – and listening and editing and using EQ and put them together – as naturally as I eat for instance.
I can do this – all my life was about to get this point when I can start, now I have this…

At this moment I play with computergames – this would mean that I suppressed some stuff and not want to face – but in fact I desired to play with these some years ago and now just let’s face it and see what dishonesty lies behind it…
And what I seee – it is similar than sex – a bit like I am not here, and doing this as a robot, and then some parts I really enjoy and then I want to repeat these peaks so I would decide to restart – as the FPS game is about running, grabbing weapons and ammos all the time and shooting basically every movement objects until it moves, and the RTS games are about building big factories and many many units and lead them to battles and then conquer territories where I can extract natural resources to be able to defend and destroy the others and then upgrading and using more and more strong weapons even nuke and then ruthlessly destroy all and then when is over then just is done.
So this kind of obsession and suppressed anger and hate and want to have power – human shit…

And one more stuff: the robot issue – I want to build programmable robots what would be fun – and later maybe I could use this in other areas – such as movies – I will see .

So the people again who I am in contact:
Marti – Zoli- the living mate’s ex girlfriend – she offered to me to live together but probably because some times I was about how would be to have sex with her – but in fact she is not so stable and can be pissed off and taking pills to calm down – and not really self-honest…but looks good – so I had to ask Zoli’s the camera from her and she opened the door in panties and she said that she is looking after a place to live so if is possible would be cool if we could live in a flat in different rooms but I said I want to make crazy enormous loud trance and she said is ok, and even she likes – but she have rabbits and she thought I can bear the animals in a house with her. And when I asked her about light systems – she is photoman(woman) – she said she would like to act a blond in a movie lol… So this would be very strange to live with her but it is obviously not what I want.
And yesterday she came again and and I repaired her windows and spoke and she is quite in a big desire even when whe spoke for some sentences about thes, she said she becomes so possessed so she started to feel hurt in her belly and said it is like when the guys say hurt in the balls because want sex but there isnt…
So was like ok I do not want to have sex with her – but I experienced arousedness before she came so was like a manifestation of my desire and then she gave me some sexual videos and said those are really cool so then she ate some food and then left…And I looked into the movies and I experienced that I become aroused so then I deleted those.
But this is again a kind of fight – I accept and allow and then deny and struggle against it…

Another point the guy who I live with and he is not here in this last month because of his girlfriend and probably because he became disturbed with the fact that he can not pay for me – since almost a year but some he always paid – now is about 500 euros he owes to me and last week he wrote a letter to me about from Monday he will work and will pay for me and looked very happy about it…
I dedided that day to tell him at next meet about it would be necessary to make some money because I am left alone to pay the whole shit and in fact is for him as well and he should stand up and take self-responsibility and not always blaming those who do not pay for him – because then for me who pays — so I realized this is the past – I still do this for another guy – and when I sort that out – this will be fixed as well – or ‘automaticly’ – or I will have to direct the situation – but what I accept and allow : I am – so I stop this.

Another post will finish this part

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