Scratch

Yesterday was a fascinating experience – I realised that I just let go – let everything go – and I was in the bath and I was ok – let anything happen whatever I let it happen – just I am here and breath and that’s all – and the itchyness started to compound – basically I have this itching – mostly on my head and on my back – but many places I experience this on my body and I scratch it and then realise that is not need – and actually the scratching is kind of against the experience – not the itchyness – but yes also – but something more profound experience is ‘behind’ this – and some times this was so intense that I lost my awareness totally for a while – for instance when I was kid and my backitchyness was so intense that I just ran away into the wild and just ran until exhausted and then just breathing around trees in the fields as a haunted animal…I attempted to run away from me but was no possible – I could not run away from my thoughts lol…
But this was really loong ago and yesterday something like this came – and I was like ok, this itchyness is anyway here – on my head(hair) and on my back – and I was in the hot water and it just came and I said ok, let’s come – I accept – and it started to really compound – and was almost insane – but somehow it was kind of liberating and very intense – and was like naturally I stand up and facing myself unconditionally.
And was intense and I just said something aloud(self-forgiveness as defining it as intense to stop?) and breath and breath and the breath is the ’embrace itself’ – and was very fascinating – because this is who I became – this embarrasment from my accepted and allowed expression – without supression – or when the supression comes to surface – a way or a kind of it…
Well this english stuff is interesting with 300 words how I can express myself appropriately lol…
So was cool – and I was kind of tired – but after this I was less – maybe because of the feeling and emotional charge – as usually – but in fact: not.
Was a moment when I stand up and no matter what – I am here.
This is so cool – and I can not reallly share this – because is kind of individual – but I can do it – I can stop being image and stand up as life. Of course – but to experience this…
This is realisation – the word itself – because I realise and I am the real experience of standing up as life.

And this moment is not really divine – as usually I perceived trough acid and co – because was just naturally here and still – of course polarity is still waving but slowly less and less participation is possible and available in the thought cycles to finally stop once and for all…

So cool

And I write a bit about computer games – I spent some days about this – I supressed this for a while and on other part I let myself to desire to do so – then I did – interesting to see how I continously judge the happening on the computer – as related to the difficulty what I face of…
I also can say a bit different than the IRL because more likely without the body – the breath more likely can ‘go backdise’ and just thought tentacles are manipulating the computer – systems’s communication literally.

And many times I just said ‘wooow’ this is really nasty – and same as masturbation or desiring after pictures – as theese are really computer images and how I judge and define and is like a compounded simulation of the 3D.
And I see that this is more comfortable – because I can save and load as I want or make the difficulty to easy or pause when I say it is too much…
So interesting stuff – and comes from the very childhood of course…
And theese games are 2 kind what I accepted as favourite: one is first person shooter – as running and shooting all the time hundreds after hundreds of humans or monsters – theese two became the favourite: kill soldiers in war and kill monsters or aliens…
The more realisitic the graphics and the sounds – the more I defined as enjoy – this rage when the war inside just manifests on the screen…
And the another when the ‘real time strategy’ – when I am the director of the army and produce and conquer and kill and use mass desctruction weapons and produce bigger and bigger army and then just wash down the enemy…

This is what no need to supress anymore so I said well then just do and face – so this darkness can unfold my real nature – the consciousness system’s ‘soul’ – as this is really what happening in this existence – and as I accept and allow this to happen within me – the same way I accept and allow this within and as this expstence – and this is the responsibility who I really am – my responsibility is what I am equal and one with – and as.

So I am responsiblity for all as me as one as equal – and that’s why this inner darkness has to be embraced to be one and equal and then stop. Because the fight wont solve – as I fight – it become more real – because if I would knew that is not real – then I would not fight against it – but within and as the fight – I manifest it – as I manifest myself as existence as fight. Simple. So this came up in this games…
When I was in school theese really dark visions came up so naturally as I made it into poems and used is as a dark humor and sometimes this pure hatred came up in my mouth and friends appreticiated it and chilled at the same time from it’s intensity…

And theese points are in all human – obviously – this manifest the whole existence – as this is kind of starting point of all – this self-hatred – self-regreted over-fractionized – multipached fractal-spiral-like patch-coded-program what manifested as the mind-consciousness-syetem in and as each human,

So this is what is necessary to stop – this fear-driven demon-virus what is so dying and dying – and so much dependent on dying but only for not realise that is already dead so it would be a good reason to start living anyway and all way… huh
Much much more I could write about what comes up in computer games but later will be more clear – and will script down and then vlog it…
Looks like it is also a supression to not do what I want because of the fear of fail or fear of judgement – or fear of self-judgement(but it is already that so the dog is chasing it’s tail or the camera is running to reach after itself to want to record itself)
Hmm
Another point…
In AfterFx I wanted to make a huge composition with a big glowing helllike fractal background – and in that would happen a 3D picture-slideshow in a circle and the camera would move and pan and zoom around theese – and it was so huge – even when I changed the view to 1% – it was too small to see the whole scene to direct – but the idea is cool – it can be done but need some more smart solution…
And this is a bit like I manifested – I want simply the biggest at the begining and I dare myslf to jump into the core and see and almost burn but that just almost impossible – but always is!!!! And by judging – defining and participating in past – as ‘very difficult’ – I try to fight against it to ‘win’ – and as I struggle – it becomes more and more huge – and I am getting lost and after a while I quit from the situation or attempt to make an another blindjump to start over…

Because within this ‘jump in to the middle’ is this kind of ‘ok anyway I just do’-ness is what is the very essence of me – as I do what I am and that’s it and then just happens – and this can be stabilized and totally manifested and this is who I am.

Because theese ‘jumps’ are not really jumps – more likely breaking over the self-definied prison and start to experience what is really here – but then here is a tendency to kind of ‘getting tired’ or ‘doubting self’ or ‘falling back to past’ – what is even not real but still holding some kind of self-definition as this trough the enormous time what I spent as this kind of expression.
So this ‘jump’ is merely just see what is here and then I have to stabily realise to be aware that when I ‘fall back’ – I just simply deny to experience what is here – who I am as all as one as equal in oneness and equality.

And the facing with the ‘intense iching’ is kind of cool – because in that moment there was some breaths when I was really aware that I can bear this – and when I ‘wear’ this itcyness and accept it as me – for a moment I realise that is not real – that is just in my mind – and it stopped!!!
No – not the itcyness stopped – but more likely the degree of the intensity became more abstract – more scalable – like to realise that when I am the wholeness of everything then I have to be even the scale of everything – and that is not knowledge – because about the scale – the knowledge is really useless – as I am saying ‘I am all scale’ – but to actually realise as experiencing that I am the scale – I am here as scale – in this very example of the scale of itchyness – I am definately definied it – as me as one as equal – and this is how – and this is why I experience – my expression.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define itching as embarrassing.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as itchy.
i forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not let myself to hear here as breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to yawn.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not hear myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to shut down, to not hear, to not be aware what was the cause of the yawn.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use past-definition in self-forgiveness – not realising that is of dishonesty- because using the past to dissolve the past – but in the very act of participating in memory I recreate as I dissolve – and in fact within the act of participating I express myself as past and then manifest and then defining this whole sequence as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that self-forgiveness is moment – I apply and I stand as one as equal and LIVE – or if not then will come back the exact same point of relationship with my dishonesty.
I forgive mysself that I accepted and allowed myself to define dishonesty as this oh nasty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define very detailed and realisitic graphiced war games as awesome, because then I could loose myself within the judgement-forest of this game and then becoming one and equal with the game and it’s expression: war.
Because the war within me as -re-defining from past all the time to not need to realise. what is here. I stop this – this is not who I really am as breath as moment as life.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy killing – even when it’s virtual – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate others – not realising that means I hate myself – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate myself – I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hate myself because of the self-responsibility of my self-prison as mind-consciousness system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from hate.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress hate instead of just let it go as it is not who I really am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from loosing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from forgeting myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress darkness and projecting the light – not realising that is polarity of the mind – the limit of myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired.

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