Too

I realised I want too much – and within this too muchness what I defined me to be – I desire to express right here right now – and it is not limiting myself by facing the truth that is not possible at the same time to do many different things – without proving each – one by one that I can express myself as I direct me as one as equal with the way what I do – as it can be music or video or anything.
So let’s see a possible list what can be done simply and without thinking…
Because it is obvious that I want many things because I do not experience – and wanting all – I cant experience because what I want is not real – can not be real – that’s why I want, instead of just express me like this…
So first stop – stop everything…I’ve collected many softwares to be able to do many things – and within this like ‘the mind goes forward and just doing doing and collecting and never actually LIVING’ because within this I defined myself to be this ‘going forwardness’ – extensively. So Stopping is very common sense.
Stop go forward and deal out what is obviously here.
1 My loan. I still have almost one thousand euros loan what is necessary to give back. If it is optimal – will be 2 months or three – maximum four. As I more fast want to be done – the more I want to pay back and the less money I have in the month. And I had the notebook, the midi, the speakers what were quilte lot – even became near to the price to fly to SA – but in fact I can not leave my job for some months – because I do want to go SA just like visit one week of course – so I am patient – and I am stabilizing me as breath and dealing out with this loan first. And is important to not let me to plan forward about buying things what I need – because it is obviously a trap – like buying this and this and always facing technical obsticles what can be jump over trough more high tech stuffz – soundcard, groovebox, synth, hq camera, cranes, lights, bluescreen, etc…
2 Music – I have plans to make music – and I am not doing – because I say because of neighbours – because I need aloudness – and it is not totally true, but in fact is a kind of matter – so I will face it when I find a place where I can be loud. And until I can learn some tech stuff what are needed for this, like guru beat sequencer and recording midi notes and quantizing. And one or two specific sounds I want to produce what I still could not by the virtual synths – and there is a guy who can give advice, but I wanted to prove, I wanted by myself – and even he offered that he can help – so I will ask how to produce this specific sound – but first I have some ideas what I will investigate..Hmm
So the truth is here even within the particles – all as one as equal.
So be late.
3 Video – I realised that many footages what I can collect trough net, youtube, and various video sites – are not appropriate – almost never I find what I exactly want – but in fact many I could record by myself – for instance train station, nature, with people…
And what camera I can use at the moment is not so big quality, by capturing from casette playback, it is cool in 320×200 – so I would like to step over this by using an HD camera.
But in fact for be able to handle HD – is necessary a faster hard drive and a HD LCD – of course over the HD camera…
And to be able to do amateur cuts – would be cool to have a basic crane-scaffold.
And other side – I am tutoring how to make simple animations, simple characters to move – that would be cool to see how to make basic animations – I would like to demonstrate human behaviour with explaining inner movements and how affects the world as one as equal…

I see a little tendency to learn something and doing, and not being totally pro, but stepping to another part of this area, but I do not judge me, because will see what this lead.

And of course this is already manifested, so I focus to the point that am I honest with myself or not. And Many times I see, where is my breath, and here is my breath…
And this consciousness has been infiltrated my whole expression – as I start to do something, as it just goes on, and opens it as experience, there is a point when I loose myself as hereness as breath as awareness and simply not here – and this is the point what shows up a point what I built as relationship as geometry within the system and by this it became the definition of me – so when I express – I express by this as this systematic behaviour.
And the self-honesty is to stop. Stop participate within the illusion. Because then I am illusion. So be late.

So basically theese 3 are what look the most important to face – who I would be without theese? Why not let theese go? Let me not to have possession, even if it is anything…
Why I want to make music, video, film? Am I talented? Bullshit, those are preprogrammed, memorybased dishonesties. Because to show tho the world who I am or who I am not? Or to assist people within the films to direct?
Or I definied self-realisation as I am here anyway and there is a need or anyway I can just do meanwhile I am realising myself, and if I would like to choose what to do, then I would choose music, filming?
Ears and eyes. Did I define myself according to what I hear and what I see?
That’s why I want to manipulate theese two frequencies to build self-trust, to see who I am and facing with and as myself as all as me as equal.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be unpatient and wanting everything now – it is because I am in fear of time about not enough…

Is like the last dinner before the rope…But this last dinner is eaten up day by day…
Because within this I became this lastness – and wtihin this everlasting lastness hoping and moving trough wanting to stop and wanting one more last time…
I forgive myself that I wanted to be director because then I could direct everyone and everything according how want things to be – or how I want things to be done…
In fact I do not need to get more proof that I am here and I am the breath of life and when I am not aware the breath within and as it’s totality then I am deceiving myself and the all others around me…
So I stop to participate within the illusion as thoughts, desires, fears, past, future, defining what is here – because within the act of defining – I am not here only the definition to be faced – is this who I really am?

At this moment is literally painful to breath from the perspective of being aware the breath – and when I am not aware of it – it is less painful – but I dare me to push trough and breath trough this consequence of participating within illusion as self-definition.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not stop within dance when I experience that the body would like to stop – and now I have this body pain by overpushed and that’s why I remained at home to not need to go to work because of the pain and unconfortability.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to provocate people trough my unusual facial expression to see do I have any reactions…
If I have any reaction – it is necessary to forgive myself accordingly immediately.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think while I am walking.
Be sure that next time to see what is the specific thought and what is the act what I do and why are here within me?

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move according to the pain I experience. This is indirect movement – not one and equal with and as me as here as breath. STOP. I stop to participate to indirecting me by manipulating people and situations to finally face with the desired experience.

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