Huge

Here I am experiencing huuuge pain multipe parts of body are in different types of pain…quite intense, some moments I am just here as this experience = and what is interesting when I was moving in the city(post office, billpay, standing in line) I had only one chance: to do what I do, slowly step and walk and just breathe and even when if it is really painful to take a deep breath – do it – and if I do not take “whole” breath – the pain is less – so I push myself to breath naturally yet not supressing the expression.
Because in fact I am the breath – so if breath hurts – I hurt. If I hurt then I loose something then obviously when I can loose anything then just let it go…

Kind of feet pain and toe, and kidneys, and chest and lung – mostly right side.
Every breath is painful – yet is very assisting as brings me here – because the pain is here – I am here because be aware that the pain is not necessary to let’s dare me to see why it is here. I am responsible.
Possible that because I am kidding with myself and with others about being self-honest but based on some events I still let past to determine me instead of take courage and break trough as standing up and not supressing any what I would like to say to somebody at the moment but I do not do because the ‘events were not appropriate to this’ so it remained inside of me and not cool. So I learn to not supress and not personal but I have to say I have to act as the moment comes – anyway I loose myself and will regret what is unacceptable. Because it is more clear so more intense.
Probably I overworked my body while dancing, because I did not stop when I felt hmm I am getting tired but I was like so much enjoying the intense movement to the music and just dance so I was not here – because pain is indicating I went too far. So no more like this anymore.
Also I was swet and maybe I got cold around chest or kidney and this is why this really intense pain is here…
Actually was interesting because of the pain I did not really considered about other people – not even judging, because I had to focus on filling the bill while I was in the queue and I just did and was a kind of cool – about just be – and of course without pain would be better but who knows – no separation – I embrace pain, I embrace solitude and within the suffer I realise what is not necessary and let it go.
Obviously I stopped many obsessions about to harm my body and more I do as I stop to abuse trough not being aware what is here within and as this body – meaning not too much dance and not too much walk and not letting getting cold when is obviously chilly.
This right foot thumb what was broken in last august – now really hurts and the muscles within my calf are like burning when I move. And kind of knifestabbing thunders into my right kidney, even after a blurp. Kind of my right chest with my part of lungs and kidney are one big amorph entity as one huge pain-amoeba existing and just throbbling inside of my body. Systems. Shit lot of systems. Self-definition: let it go. Participate within past: let it go. Let all go.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define everything what I focus on. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define focus as defining.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what I am focusing. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience stability when I am defining something – not realising that within the act of definition, I am participating within and as illusion as self-dishonesty as self-definition as deception what I manifest according to the experience.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use keyobjects to define when I am anywhere – for instance stepping into an office and defining some objects first to be able to participate within the place – instead of realise that everything is in me as me as one as equal. And any inner definition what occurs is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to flow momentary continously just because of definition and within definition hoping in to not need to participate fully to be able to ‘handle’ the situation.
I forgive myself that I accepoted and allowed myself to want to handle situations instead of just direct everything here what is me as one as equal without want or desire – trusting myself as expression infinitely, no matter what.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I am breath of life as all as one as equal here in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not tell the truth to specific beings because of the perceived possible definition of outcome what I would manifest by this – but in fact it is illusion. So fearing from illusion to manifest: it will be manifested but not by and as my direction as presence as awareness – more harsh will be what is not necessary.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself lazy because I do not dare myself to be disciplined as I can be.
Self-will, self- motivation, self-honesty here I am.
I will myself to remain inner silent and just hear the breath and be aware of the obvious fact that I am here and can not be separated from anything.

i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to pain.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to avoid pain.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from pain.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as pain – yet I am one and equal with and as pain, but not only pain – instead all in and as existence I stand as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be directive just because of fear from people what they would think.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as Bruce Willis because of the facial expression and boldness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to trying to copy behaviours according to action movies to be able to act male ego to get what I desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I did let myself to be programmed to desire for what is not here to hide my secrecy of dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to lie to keep up an idealistic picture of me in others to remain dishonest. STOP.

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