Opportunity

I am literally able to do anything
I realised much before
even within childhood i said to me well I can be anything
I can do anything what I want
but what I want?
I looked into me and I came up with this idea of intelligency and wisdom
accomodation and surviving – practicality and deep simplicity
when i started to wake up – I was around 18 and realised my limits – I wanted something really
and as I wanted as she more escaped
so I gave up and I cried for a day and just cried cried
since then – ten huge years i did not cry
but I realised something very profoundly – what I want – especially what I want to be – I can do
but what I did not see meanwhile – that what I become – on the same way I limit me to be bound to be just that and within my expression and experience – nothing more – nothing less – but still limited – by the idea of something to be
to understand creation it’s totality – in the simplest momentaric way – to be able to just undo the want – by moving backwards within the relationship in this 3D manifested phisical world – and change my expression – the geometry of relationship trough participation with and finally as the words –

but what I wanted to be?

first I wanted to be magician – real wizard, because then I maybe I can do anything…
after then I realised well, this is only possible when i rule the laws of phisicality – but for this i realised after some really shocking acid trips that until i do not understand me internally – I can not understand how I can even to be whatever I want
and I just did not see that I already shaped my experience – well predetermining my experience
and the idea of to be whatever I want – now the WHY came up – and why after why after why – to get the core of the REASON of my participation and the real CAUSE of me of who I experience myself to be at this moment…
and I was really sceptic about many kind of expressions – and as I defined that I can not explain or find the numerical pattern of art – I simply wanted to prove to me that I can be artist – I simply can become srt – because if yes – I can be really anything —
of course I saw my communication skills werent so good – because of the inhibited and supressed nature – because of my deep desires and had to be kept hidden because obviously I was not “normal” from the perspective of what I really want in this world — when I was a kid or when I realised something more about this phisical 3D existence – beyond of just eat, entertain, family, consume, die culture…

So I came up with art stuff – and I tended to be seen as an artist – but in fact I copied – I copied many because I easily could as my specialisation was this – to just be a chameleonlike vampire who can get samples of expressions and within this just adopt and use…
And as I had no clue about who I really am – I lost within the patterns – I’ve lost within the expressions and I simply defined myself as what I actually do – and still this kind of self-definition methodology limited me more likely – but in a specific way gave to me more self-trust – slowly but surely building up something what I ever never wanted to try to share to understand – because I realised – I can not explain who I am or what I really want – so I never wanted to even try to explain to anybody – I simply let people see within me what they want and I adopted to this – looooong time spent like this – and I had to do this, because I realised something I can not have really – some kind of stability from this world – because I always felt like I am kind of alien of this society – never felt like mine – never wanted to be seen as it’s part – because I never felt like I need a civilisation behind my shoulders to be able to define me who I am according to theese system – but in fact I had to because without it – I could not start to understand who I am – but within the participation with and finally as this society system – I am.

Kind of floating in quantum state but a bit still fear of start to manifest – because of concerning what should I be – but it is already predetermined – becoming the director of my life – to experience the total full moment within and as me as who I really am.

Of course many stuff kind of profession I never intended to be – for example soldier – but in fact I have very good cabability – to be even a general or doctor or scientist or even a musician – so easy – but to become this is really kind of breathing life into the expression…

So this director stuff came upon more likely – to simply direct everything what is HERE as me as one as equal.

As I know that my will is really my strong side – but in other part of polarity I see cycles and bothering – what I really want I simply do – but if not – is impossible.
I was around let’s make a movie – to actually direct the sound, the pictures – the shots, the scenes, the actors, the story the sound effects and everything but about what?
About self-realisation within and as this whole existence – and hey – I am already within and as this movie – it is happening…

In the last months I spent much time about how movies are being maked – and how are specificly designed and how less are very random – much can come from intuition but the concept is very previsionised – and all words starting with con – now I have deeper insights – as I see it’s limits and the prerequirements of theese – but in fact the “I can do it” – whould be just an other justification before actually express – instead of just express, express, express.

So now I understand how can directors work – of course very raw this kind of knowledge – and needs to be expressed in 3D – to actually see what it means in REAL life..

So what I am doing actually to be able to shape into a form what is necessary to be able to script up theese videoclips/scenes/movies to actually make..
And of course theese are wont be like 3 hours cinema hits – but in fact I do not even need this…

And actually more clearly I experience this within me as me – and more easily I embrace this without any thoughts or emotions – the more easily I am not disturbed with the con-s to actually express me as theese kind of actions…

And of course I understand that theese are just kind of preparations of something more but in fact at this moment I am focusing on what is here – because this is the fascinating – because this is what is actually I am.

And day by day I see I think really less and less – because the more time I realise the unnecessity of thinking – I more likely accept myself here and the more likely I am being experienced by and as myself as the presence of inner silence – the more likely I see that I can remain inner silent – because the leting go of all relationship of past or preimagined (based on desire or fear – but in fact are the same)…
And slowly but surely I trust me without to even think about I forgive myself and I apply myself and I can embrace what is here…
And then I start to really see and understand what is here and how things work – and this is the cool stuff about then I understand that everything is a reflection of me – so as I move myself within and as self-honesty – everything is my response-ability – so I can express HERE.

So let go of defining myself as opportunity to be something
and LIVE all life as me as one as equal HERE

Ok then here I can do my videos and music because I do not build more relationship but within the expression I can release the points what come up with the actual moment…

And of the extensive amount of supression of sexual desire as since 2 years I did not made sexual intercourse but in fact I let myself to desire after it – something I let be gathered in myself – and for instance I wanted to let this go, let this ‘dealt out’/’release’/’transcend’ asap – like ok I want sex – but in fact this is the point where my release of charging up emotional thinking system can be stabilized – and that’s why is a kind of issue to figure out how it work and what it is – and I wanted it fast – I wanted it now – so I saw what was more likely the shortest way – and I came up with the idea about well, then jump into the right center of this and let’s see what will happen…as I have the tendency to do this and after some sharp snaps I gey myself very early up – but is also an interesting point…
So I came up about sex to actually visit some places where people are doing sex freely – as I saw something like this with the rainbow hippies but they were not really obsessed with this – but just because of supressions…and of ‘norms’ – but yet was weaker – I still saw…
So I found the idea of ‘swinger’ like people go and just without rules do whatever they want even about sex – but to participate within this – I actually could face with my intense control of desire – and today as I saw the lord of the rings – ‘my precious’ – something I understood – there is no any situation where I could really ‘fall’ into the temptation when I really dont want – I mean I mean it like this…
Like I understand now what means to be clear from the perspective of not using ANY drugs – like I dont desire or I am not curious about drugs anymore, even it would be mescaline what I never tried…because actually I decided and I stand.

And of course the sexual desire is kind of same – but with different images – with different words – but are about the same – the expression – the fear of not having enough time so desiring shortcuts in the swampy forest of desire…

And everything is well specificly pre-designed as I need to participate somehow to be able to experience this – and if I do not – it just dont happens…
I mean about anything what I ever wanted – and I sliced myself into parts – and theese parts are slightly separated by time and space – and meanwhile I am within one part – I am kind of slave of it as I predetermined the situation how it would control me – to be able to flow, to be able to still become less than what directs me outside separatedly from me – because in this way I found very sure and determined and well organized. And when the ‘time’/’space’ of ‘change’ has need to come – I simply do – because I just do and that’s it…

And I am bound to my decisions – but now I determine theese and I see the wayout – practically – this is very very assisting to be trusted within me as me – practically deal out the situations – like payback loan – like getting the experience of skills what I need to be able to do what I am getting to express within this world – and still being able to stand and deprogram the layers – because time is illusion, because space is merely a relationship within this world what I perceive as my perception within it…

When I see many people – about consciousness I realised very clearly something quite years before but now I can put it into words – but this time is the morning as I am now rest some hours…
– – – –
Ok just slept and while glympses of golden sunrise is fondling my view i finish this

so I simply dont participate – and as I let it re-participate – I recreate – and by needing to recreate I justifying it as me because can not be separated my creation from myself – and are linked – but to actually be able to change from outside – like go out and ‘get a girl’ – just wont happen by sitting here and hope – but in fact as the knowledge what I obtain about this is not really who I am – actually more likely obstruction as at this moment this is who I am – and to be self-honest – I see and I express – because I do not fear about I am this infinitely – but I am the actual moment infinitely as one as equal
so I do not seek relationship I do not seek seekx, because it is here or not – and if it is here then I let myself express – but if is not here – merely self-deception to participate with the IDEA of it – because I see me and I understand this is what I see is not who I really am – but I be-lieved so be-haveored like this seeker of relationship – same with objects, experiences, people – I am the same with all situations – as I am my limit – and if I do not have limit – I am everything. Response-ability.
So this stuff – I dont want to face with touch, sex, because I define myself as it’s seeker – not the actual experience – because trough enormous time I supressed but still desired – and I’ve became apparently tnis desire – instead of just be the experience. Trap.
And when an ‘opportunity’ is here – I use my knowledge to hide – to de-fence – against my de-sire – instead of just LIVE HERE – without rules of conformed patterns, con-cern of others who I did put value and worth because I couldnt find this within me as me at one moment and I stuck as I wanted to maintain this illusion. Just stop this…
Wanting to have this desire – and then letting go – but then when I fall into the self-doubt for more than minutes – I r-e-go and re-create – c-re-ate the same shit – my poo-Is-on of illusion of ‘there’ because I am not express myself here – because of ANY reason.

And to be able to stand and being reflected by the people who I make ‘con-tact’ – as my exwife who said “well, Dsoseph this is crazy” – and I justify by projecting the opposite judgement of mine to her right at the moment when she said this – and the deception I see here.

I forgive myself that I acceptedna and allowed myself to not see my deception when I react immediately to ‘my’ ex – but in fact she is an axe of my mind because she knows it and not wants it not wants to fight against and just cool – but not be fool to fall into the trap of illusionaric light of her momentary beauty because this is also me – here – no need to catch, or grab, or re-create – because I am actually HERE.
I forgive myself that I also accepted and allowed desire her for maybe one time sex but is like when Bilbo sais at the end of LOTR – once more I would like to touch the RING – but it is no more – burnt in the DOOM lol and I do not go into that place to seek-se-nsee a gain because I smell the hell.
So I just listen to her when she sais – well just get a girl when you want – as you more fight the more you struggle. STOP it…
lol obvious
and I do not use this desire to re-create to hide from my actual momentary expression – – because I had the limit and habit of judging before express, and that’s why do not express – and within the judgement somehow I want to express and by the supression – flowing out the previous supression – so not making music and videos and breath here and direct body accordding my self-motivation and self-will and self-honesty – but desiring for sex but every moment I ‘spend’ I see more clearly until I dare me to never ‘go back there’ again – because I am here and I trust me to express me and not stop and not judge – day by day I stabilize
and when I perceive ‘fall’ or ‘stuck’ I see that is also a judgement – of fear of not having enough time of being able to unify the totality of me – but is already here….

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