Seeksual, the sire

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to become systematic about to actually divert my attention from here breath to the sexual desire as a tool to not need to face what is here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with my mind and become aroused from the reactions to specific definitions as word-graphs, pictures, feelings, thoughts etc…
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress the desire to touch and manifest/maintain separation within myself trough participating with(and as) pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to became a system what is obsessed to the act of defining – trough the previous definings – as how I defined joy and then how I can experience it – not realising that I actually load up pictures and I judge theese pictures and this judgement is defined as joy – and actually the act of judgement what I defined as joy: the participation within my mind as supression as joy – because I judged myself before I let myself to experience myself here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that what I supress – I CONtain – I am of and I manifest – and the starting point of this is fear – because I feared from the CONsequences of expressing my sexual desire – so I judged this before I express – because of the believe that then I do not need to face with myself – STOP.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I supress I wont have to experience – because if others dont see, I can act as this is not existst within me as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even CONsider about what others may think of me – because I did put trust into them – instead of me trust in me within me as me here in all ways.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge sexual intercourse as bad – because I feared that I could be possessed of it, just because of the memory as I did some years ago.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to embrace my past experiences, because I defined myself trough theese – let it go – let it put here and experience here as one as equal as me and just stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link to specific pictures the fear of having an orgasm because the intense supression what reaches the point where I can not CONtroll.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to control – because then I can hope that I wont have to face with and as my personal truth what is already here, but within the illusion of control – I can perceive this as I am directing – but in fact – within the participation of separation – I simply preCONditioned myself so it is already here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from the temptation of the mind as desire, even when I have the knowledge about that is not really who I am.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from knowledge – and by using it as a shileld to actually not LIVE but hide, to make excuses.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express myself HERE without any judgement and just simply forgive in and as the moment what is of separation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define self-dishonesty as joy totally separatedly from me – trough the hiding behind a sexual desire to not needing to experience who I am here – because if I am aroused – I am aroused and that’s it, that’s all – I am limiting myself trough separating.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define separation as joy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire, to think, even for a mooment about how would be when the receptionist girl would fondle my hands – and supressing it so I dream about this.
I forgive myself that I defined fondling trough the participation within feelings – so I actually desire for experience feelings – because that would mean specific thoughts – specific supressions – specific dishonesty – and within that I could remain systematic. STOP

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to try to separate myself from here – and defining this as joy because I’ve became self-dishonesty – this how nasty? lol – and to the fear of letting go dishonesty – I desired to remain within the experience of desire, feelings, emotions, because then who I really am is hidden into the secluded room of my mind, of my body – STOP.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fight against my desires – and by this taking it granted, making it real – and within the participation of making this real I defined me as this kind of act – and within the fear of letting go this expression – I redefined me as who I am – absolute dishonesty: I stop.

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