Expression video music part2

Some stuff just kind of ‘randomly’.
When I was a kid – I has been denied from singer chorus and also from dance – because I was extensively inhibited and I had no the ability to express myself – so I could not learn as fast as the others – related to this kind of expression – as phisical movement or making sound.
And when I started to smoke – I started to hear the music – how sounds come – not only the punk/rock metal with the guitar, and something drum and the sing, but also the actual harmony – disharmony(what existed within me) as sound as music – as trip-hop as the classical music – jazz, was totally new era – and I realised I do not know music – I do not know how to make music – I was wondered what kind of knowledge would need to be able to make music such as Massive Attack or Liszt.
And after some month of smoking – I was at a Drum and bass party – first time – it was like a hell – exactly what I saw that is hell. The music was like the actual experience of hell, deep dark and monoton bass, what made to throbble my lungs, and very loud high sounds and everyone was so drunk or totally disoriented or stoned or delusional – and ugly people and I was like how much time I have to spend here? – But after some more months – I started to like drum and bass – and why I experienced as hell- maybe it brought up my fears – fears from unknown, from darkness, from loosing control, from being lost etc…
And after all I started to take LSD – that opened the whole construct tenfold. The music was me – I was the music – I experienced everything is flowing, glowing by the music as the music – was not really separated from everything, even from me – and influenced me extensively – made me trip – exactly controlled me – because I let, because I enjoyed – because I enjoyed what it brought up from me.
And I found tribal music, I found goa music, the psychedelic music – what is sounds crystal clear, very complicated and has deep ‘meaning’, many harmonies and trips me away extensively.

I wondered how cool to actually being tripped – how cool to be in a trip – to exploring myself, to explore the stuff, the music, the others, me everything within and as the music.
And I started to visit parties very often – alone – with others – at a parti -if it is ‘cool’ – does not really matters – as in theese parties at the dancefloor mostly the people are ‘alone’ – between others – and all alone as one – and somehow all are equaliy in the same situation – hearing the same music, tripping, exploring, moving in the same music – of course this is very idealistic, but…but it was like this – and who is controlling the whole party? The dj – the musician, the musicians on the stage – all are watching, listening all their tiny movements – this is kind of responsibility – kind of control – kind of power.
And what else motivates people – to have more responsibility, control and power?
Woman and money – if you have money – you have woman, if you have woman – you have power, and if you have power, you have money – this is kind of a chipmunkwheel ego boost system and within this the humans perceive this as them and who are in real control(are also in the same but in a hierarchy) can play…
So I wanted this – because I also realised that I reached a point where I can give up or get anything what I want – if I really want – but the talent, the ‘art’ – that would be something what is existst within me or not – but in that moment of course I could not experience, I could not express – so that’s why I started to desire – to desire to be able to do ‘art’ such as music, paintings etc – because that would mean that I can really do anything. And of course meanwhile I realised this kind of holographic mind virtual consciousness gridline existence, what also seemed to support in this perception – that this is all just some kind of illusion.
This was like a self-empowerment intent: if I can prove that I am also what I am not – that would mean that I can be anything: everything. And I was not sure about my limits, so I liked to play with the idea that I am capable of anything, everything etc lolll.
But because of the extensive self-judgement: this was a well balanced polarity manifestation – almost like the black and the white. So I was like this and in the participation of theese – I was at the center I did not moved really just for some seconds to be able to not move for days again….

And when I was a kid – I always played with the illusion of being a wizard – a mage.
Because I had nothing and I wanted to create – I wanted to make magic: to create things, to change things, to influence things – with magic.
And if I can do this within this world – if I can ‘magic’ art – then I could do anything – more accuratedly: I would get a bit closer to be able to do anything.
And I wanted to get my mind-partner – a woman, a girl, who is like similar as me – who SEEs the system, who understand and can give up ANY thing in the moment when appears to be less than the total truth or something like this…
So I desired and I realised if I can make magic – then I will attract people – because who are really magically performing psychedelic music : are rare.
So as I had the extensive supression of anger and depression and fear – I could control this within the sexual desire, expression – and that’s why I wanted a girl – but not only an ‘ordinal’ ‘system’ girl, because with ‘that kind’ I would get bored quite soon – and then I could not divert my attention from what is inside me, as who I actually am really.
So I wanted a really interesting, beautiful girl, because then she would take my attention really – and within the sexual expression she would be addicted to me because of the sex and my ‘abilities’ – and then I would get ‘constant’ feedback about ‘I am somebody’, ‘I am special’ so by this I would get more fuel to be more likely who I wanted to be…
Strange, but many people actually still do this – as the sprout of this is still inside me as I participate – but I already realised this is not really who I am – so when I face – I can forgive – related my self-honesty and my self-movement…
So partly also that’s why I wanted to make music, to get the woman, THE. And of course tibetian tantra system shit I ate – because put the horse under me, the scriptures, and the chakras energy etc… I got really cool logic abilities, so all teachings I understood easily, even the complicated ones what are tried to explain the metaphisical nature of reality and perceptions and karma etc – but none was really practical and I still searched. Searched after woman, searched after ‘method’ to express, to be able to experience to actually express who I am…

And after some years I got MDMA – extasy once and I experienced the dance – I never wanted to dance, didnt understand really why people dance at parties – ok looks good, but when I was there with acid – I became superconsciousness – and I was part of the system, sometimes experienced me as the whole system – and like that I had no desire – because my desire was to be the whole what I percepived to be the wholeness – the system…to understand, to know, to get all the info about how to do this that etc…
And of course I had the self-judgement, I never did dance, self-embarrasment, and fear of judgement of others etcetc…
So after 3 hours of taking a half eX – I experienced that I go to dance – and I dance and I was like shiva – dancing half foot in the air, half on the ground and I am constantly moving – and I am enjoying as I am moving…was interesting…
After that I started to move at parties – and I moved and I moved and I moved – with acid is really expressive can be – because there is no tiredness, you really experience the music, etcetc..
So I danced as who I am – and I am like ‘normal’ but when I start to move – I move extensively, without judgement, and I move and I move and I move and at the parties it happened, and just I started to explore the whole stuff: dance floor, people, girls who are dancing with me, I was more active – rather than just standing near the wall and my face is like I am not really here – but in dance – I am here, because I have to be aware about the other people – more extensively expressive I dance – the more I am aware of the surroundings, where is actually the other, the others, how is the music actually, what my body says, how I experience my feet, etcetcetc…and this can be really exponential…
So it opened up really how music is ‘working’ – how it makes me to move – how I move to music, how I can move ‘freely’ to music – without needing to be stopped, without being judged, without being tired, without being who I am as usual – because I wanted to trance dance – to be in trance to experience, to break trough, to experience this divined trance to experience the ‘reality’, not only the 3D. LOL
And actually I could only to be so expressive as I decided to do it as good as I could – to avoid self, and other’s judgement – and I had some partners who are really amazing dancers – kind of demon on the dancefloor – interacting with many, and playing with the others, and moving very fascinating, in totally the harmony with(in) the music and being simply the dance as joy. This is what I wanted and this is what I learnt to experience.

So in this psychedelic trance I found something what I liked – just dance, just move, without anything else – no need to actually think – no need to consider about women, money, work, nothing, just I am the dance as I am the music.
So within the dance I could ‘let go’ the desires, because I experienced something.
But as I stopped – everything came back in a fucking moment – the inhibition, the judgement, the thoughts – all – that’s why needed so horsekicking big dosage acid – to ‘get time’ of timelessness.
To actually examine, to actually understand, to really being able to remain as this – but in fact as more I analyzed – as more I tried to understand – the more I missed I became tired and missed the ‘point’ – me.
When I danced and a girl came to me and I stopped to dance – I simply put up the mask that I am really humble, and I do not need girl and I am just a guy, and nothing, nobody etc…
To simply polarize the expression and stop before I could experience me – who I really am..
That’s why I found spiritual practises, buddhism, zen, masters, etc – to find how I can remain ‘this constant movement without anything only me’, but without the danger of needing to unfold what is inside of me or even consider of look into me… as eastern teachings of ego and being selfless and consciousness and light etc…

And I found really talented people who are I can say the best in this kind of music stuffs – one who is really cool in ambient/slow synth psychedelic music and the another who is the trance literally. And this 2 people I learnt so much, and I wanted to be like them – not who I am, but I copied stuffs – the technics, the stuffs – many.

So I prepared many stuffs, I had the money, but I never did any really – because I was like – if I prepare everything, if I push myself to the edge of the pit and I want to jump down – then I can fall – but that one push just didnt come – I did one track and I was sitting on this, because I was not sure that I can do very cool – because I wanted to do of course the best also…ego stuff – instead just express without judgement…
And this push to fall was the travel to asia – ‘there’ I experienced the fall ‘here’. After a while – constantly – I had to move and I was alone and I had no money, only me and I was in the worst phisical condition, totally scared of death – because I was fearful that I can die before I realise myself in and as the totality as who I am. So to avoid I had to constantly move without any support – and within that I found that I can count on me – I can trust only within and as me – because in any given moment I could be alone again – and then I only can trust into me as who I am – within and as everything what I experience.

So I realised much and I got the material and tools from Desteni – the actual support from me – who I really am – to me as one as equal – here.
So I started to see, understand this whole system – to be able to let go, to stand up as life as who I really am as the moment as expression without any mind.
(continue)

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