Fascinating what I started to explore – a total new universe – my body.
Sometimes I just realise that hey I experience this body – lately especially my hands – palms. I just breath here and I experience my palm as quite intensely – more intensely than before. It is like full of relaxed – or if not then i can do relax them.
I just breath and I experience my hereness as my palms. Interesting.
Atm I just see how much I struggle with one point periodically in my life:
To be here – be confortable and breath. Wohohoho. Slowly. So.
I start from the begining.
When I was kid – I have memories when I was alone in the bed – preparing to sleep and I was not sleepy at all – and I was tried to relax myself to just do sleep. And I always feared to fall out from the body – like when I breath and I am unifying myself to focus to my body as one – and simply the fear comes that I loose myself – what if I fall out – because it really happens. So this fear I embrace – this fear I explore – this fear I understand – this fear I forgive – release and just let it go.
What I can loose at this moment if I would die?
I wanted to make some musics, videos and of course realise myself and express me here on this earth as who I really am. Everything has been specifically prepared – I am not aware of but sometimes just I trust me and that trust is untouchably stable as who I am as expression as life.
I want to recorrect my expression with the beings who I participated with – because I let myself refracted trough space and time – persons, events, beings, what are related to my memory – and trough my behaviour, my expression. So as it is inverted – I walk trough my accepted and allowed ‘creation’ to stop participate to be able to direct – and the direction is to assist birthing life from phisical – me as all here.
So what else I would like to do before death? Pay back some money.
So let’s do the music and video. Now all plugins I have, now I rebought my favorite kind of MIDI just without thinking – so I express me as doing this.
I tried to make a ‘discipline practice’ every night a hour but the cellphone says and I dont do. The idea was <— idea! that I sit or really does not matter what I do but to absolutely commit myself to be here and self-forgiveness aloud and directing me as breath. But after some occassions I slipped away. Interesting. At the second time I started to do vlogs – and the doing vlog is quite effective to remain here.
So. That’s it.
So my hands are quite cool experience – and it is all about to break the habbit to return to the mind expression. Because this is the accepted and allowed nature what I correct. Even the slightest movements will change soon of my body as I experience more intensely myself within and as this body.
Many times I just realise that I am doing something and my hands are in a kind of forced grip – like strongly holding the desk or the mouse while waiting for some seconds until something loads up – and especially when I am not sure about what will happen – for example installing a cracked software and after ten minutes install it is still struggling and after throws an error message and after a click it says problem but maybe can be solved haha.
Or now just did a video composition(just a slideshow about human vampires) and the render after ten minutes always fails at the middle – I try different settings, differnet formats but since hours it still sucks. Again. Unrecognised exception. Pff.
Always this hope. The hope I have to get rid off – because hope sucks away self-trust here.
Also I experience my walk started to change – as I walk – I walk.
Self-forgiveness I am. I am grateful that I am here – but in fact I was always here and I will be always here.
Day by day I experience more and more awareness. But. This is just a perception.
Still sometimes have this burning chest when I force breathing.
When trying to breath properly while allowing some thoughts – like seeing one breath as 100 – and after each 5 I can release a thought – and meanwhile my mind can perceive – little silences – what are deception – because still energetically participating and can be perceived as stable – but in fact very robotic and very dishonest. This cheating stuff – as I still let this hope in I can cheat myself – I can cheat my system out – like playing with random numbers – gambling – and even participating with the energetical excitedness.
Also in mornings I see now I swallowing with and as thoughts and dont stand up in the moment when I get awake – because of this thoughts-emotional-energy mind system – as I definied this 3D reality and my abilites trough my energetical states – and by this being sure that I always feed off consciousness – and by defining myself as it – automaticly remaining my own slave.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hope.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to slice up the breath trough my thoughts – trying to deceive myself – but in fact one breath is one breath – absolutely inner silence or not – no middleway.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within desire sometimes about with my ex – how would be cool to just kiss or etc – this system has to stop – desire system. I am here. The desire is for to experience – to express me – so I desire me – I desire me – but as I desire – because I do not experience here – so I stop desire and I realise that I am here.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to experience me as one body as me as equal here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling out from my body, just because I had theese experiences when I was kid.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to fear from loosing myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to fear to experience myself.
I forgive myself that I actually believed that when I use my mind instead of breathing here – I could be more effective – this is just fear based to use the same patterns always what by memory worked – but in fact this is what enslaves me. So I stop systematicality.
I forgive myself that I made habit of supressing my expression – even when I am alone to manifes thoughts. In fact that is I am alone or with others – merely just a perception.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to supress my anger – because I was angry of myself that I can not control me – and I became angry to others because I had the perception that I have to be in control to not exert the anger because of others and their opinions and power.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realise that the breath as presence is who I am and if I supress the breath – I supress me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge zach as so stupid ho can be someone instead of realising that I judge me – as my reaction to my memory by my memory trough the addiction as the mind – because in the moment of I realise I can not change his perception – I accept what is here and I direct me to breath.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to deceive myself trough trying to find relationship – especially sexual- and believing, or hoping that ‘maybe I could find a girl who can be in agreement with me to support us as one as equal’. – Even when I tried to ‘find’ a girl – I said inside that – I direct me to find a girl – haha – deception. I stop.
Even the simply stopping I can see an another deception – when I have a chance to meet with someone – right after I can start to be embarrassed about ‘I do not want too much time to spent on this, because I have much todos’ – because I accept to be slave of time – as I let myself to perceive that I do not have enough time. Fear of I can not express myself – that is quite refracted and streched out within myself.
Actually to fear from not being able to express who I am – because the addiction to get always feedback – because if I dont – then I could quiestion even the whole experience – IS THIS REAL? IS THIS REALLY WHO I AM? WHAT IF I am not real? Fear of not being. Fear of not being real. lol
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I am is not rea.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to realise that What I actually am is not real.
Ok the render now does not says error and stops -but the whole window freezes out whitely and the saandwatch plays – Lets figure out.
Cool to write – lol with this 2 laptop one for vlog-net – one is for ‘work’.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from being robot by learning much technical stuff.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to accept that I have to learn many specific little operations on computer to be able to become very effective.
Especially to handle the video editor program – systematically go trough the production process and optimize all little specific movements and experience inner movements – those are specifically showing the separation what I accept.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear from that I can not do this or I wont be able to do this.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to direct my presence totally as one as equal as my influence expands I direct what is here – what I experience here within and as myself as self-trust in oneness and equality.