I see why I wanted woman – I see why I wanted: to hide the truth: that I am left alone – I left myself alone and choosed the illusion.
I wanted desire to hide behind the truth – because it can be intense – the rush within the sexual desire – and trough this – I am consumed, I am in the wheel and that takes me, controls me and in the control I can loose myself and within that I can say: I have no responsibility – I have no choice to face the truth – the truth of me, with the excuse: I have no control – as “she” aroused me and now I am horny – instead of I am here. But in truth I aroused me trough the pictures, trough the thoughts, trough the emotions, feelings, desires.
So I designed my relationship system based on desire – sex – and it is like a tap – I look normal, nothing special but inside compounding, compounding, and when I open the tap – it just blows out as a rocket – and of course that would mean expressive sexual behavior – but in fact – I am not special – just I made the choice of this kind of person to be, to become – so now I can forgive myself that I wanted to be special, or even believed, thought that I am special – that is of separation.
Also when I was with my partner – I was fearful to state out that I wanted only the sex – and after we did – especially after orgasm – right in that moment I wanted to leave – to be me to ‘continue’ my expression(as a kid after dinner) – but I learnt that women dont like(and I realised even when a girl said to me: well, it is just sex – inside forms intense relationship and will hurt for her when it is over), I believed that wont work because that would mean I am with them only for sex – and I was like maybe they dont apriciate that, so it would mean the end of the sexual relationship. So I played the role that I am in ‘normal’ relationship to being able to maintain the ability to have sex – because if I did not do this – I was with my comphounded emotional energy system what I never dared to see how I build up trough thoughts – so was no escape, I had to release it trough sex.
And when I did sex or I just didnt feel to want to have sex – I started to be hard(not down there, but like an old stubborn sad guy) – like serious face, and using the scene as something is wrong – because I could not hide it and even I wanted to show that something wrong(because it was – I splitted) but I did not dared me to be honest to say what was inside, because I even was fearful to see me – because if I see – I have to recognise what I’ve became – so I found excuses…
And of course I was not merely just fucker – I enjoyed the way about showing me up with a beautiful girl who gives her attention all the time to me, so I was on the stage – as normal, who can have really nice sexy girl and that would mean that I am valuable – I am somebody – I am real – but in fact all were false – all were manifested illusions – behind I hided – I as me as who I am.
I never felt really love – love is just a word – my family I never felt like I want to see them, I never felt things like that – only when their service or their feedback needed – also with friends – I just see now that all what moved me — those were my desires – my emotions. And when I experienced myself as totally silent – then I realised I am deflied, I am poisonous, I am infected, I am a kind of demon – without values from this world – without any worth, that I could say that is something what I respect – I do not respect anything outside from me because it is my relationship within and as my mind – and I do not know who I am but when I can silent this mind – what I’ve become trough the very very active participation to use imagination to create something in my very fear to hide behind – because apparently it worked – because no one could see trough this right into my core – except at Desteni.
And writing is absolutely brilliant tool as me as one as equal -I just write – and I just saw the movie ‘Into the wild’ and now I write this and something brought up…
And I am getting aware of what I do – When I dare me to be here – and I say I can be here and accept what is here – I can do for a moment – and in that moment something shit comes up and if I have not applied self forgiveness aloud – I will not remember that I already realised that is of dishonesty – so that can make me automatically shift into my mind – to load silent thoughts or doing some automatic expression…
And I desired sex – but I see that is my sex system demon what is thriving for release – for not compound emotional charges – what I use to define myself who I am – without emotions I have no desire – I have no control of my supressions.
And I stopped searching possibilities for find situation for sex – ok I did not do so intesely just was like ‘hm maybe’ and some letters – but as I decided to stop – something changed – even my ex-wife approached me and kissed me – because I let my thoughts manifested towards her – about she is cute, looks like Haruka(from NOEIN) and still have tasty ass and of course my past systems came to surface and played within my participation about hmm maybe we could make sex – and when she kissed me and whispered that her husband could say ok because they left each other because blablabla…and within that I experienced the manipulation within me as I can slightly say words to make her interested in me – even when I showered and she came in and I was sure she was measuring me – I let her blablablablaba
So I stopped self-fucking as masturbation, and self-fucking as finding outside a girl to have sex and started to manifest some shit – as one girl before we met to have sex — she got car accident and meeting canceled…
So I see now – my ex wife is in her mind – her mind demons are ruling over her to get desire manifested and mine also and I even said to her that I do not go into a relationship without agreement as one as equal both – except if the girl is also applying self honesty and self-forgiveness…
So this story strange but now I had to write down before more manifest of more waving occurs – I STOP. I stop desire her, I stop desire women.
I simply focus what I want to do now: doing videos and paying back the money to B.
And that’s it. Also I do music, and seems like an escape from sex but I am sure that I can survive. So atm it is like that…
This cute face only what make me pulled – because I defined myself as it – trough that if I am within a relationship with a beautiful faced sexy girl that would mean I am ok – but I am not ok. I am all as life as one as equal here as breath as self.
And still I play the kid, or the bigger kid – instead of being here and directing.
I stop desire here. Obviously I desire myself and I am expression so I desire my expression and within relationship it wont happen just like that – I am as expression happens when I direct me HERE. To see that the desire for me is a possession because I am here and I dont experience me here because I desire because I dont express me – because I desire me – – how silly I have to be – how silly manifestations I have to face after all to use common sense in action?
I have to purify my moments – until I experience any separation.
I trust me as moment as inner silence – I do not need thought to wake up in the morning – I do not to thing about what I eat – I do not need to think how I dress or how I cook or how I use bathroom – I direct me and I express me here and I experience the sound here as me as one as equal.
Even one silent thought is enough to not hear what is here as the wholeness of sound as me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear to be here with and as who I am.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to be directive with my ex-girlfriend.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express me without stopping even for a moment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to yawn to shut down to not hear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be possessed and obsessed with the cute face – I forgive myself that I did put value and worth and beauty to the cute face trough mind pictures what are preprogrammed. Let’s look how it comes?
I forgive myself that I allowed myself and accepted myself to believe that the face is the mirror of the being.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the girl’s beautiful face is like a mandala and contains everything in the existence.
I forgive myself that I allowed myself to do the eye-meeting – the wolfeye – the eyekiss game with girls – not realising that is of consciousness sex obviously energetic movements – and trough that determining how I am who I am – by how much beautiful girls look into my eyes deeply.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define me as tiredness when I stop sexual expression – because I direct me and if I direct me to stop – I am here and if I am here within tiredness – I defined me as tiredness – and I stop define me as tiredness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use emotions against tiredness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted me define trough my emotional movements.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define beauty separatedly from me trough picture presentations of women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define beauty as geometrical harmonic shapes according to the society.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hypnotised trough women when they look into my eyes directly closely, especially with those what I judge as beautiful.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire beautiful faced girl to be able to see that all the time to see always beauty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself define trough beauty.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to see only the beauty of polarity.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am the slave of my own possessed pictures within my mind – what is not really me just at this moment I can reach – and at death it will disappear.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted that I have to develop discipline to remain all ways here. And I can not force that – because then I just suppress and will compound, explode.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted the situation what I am actually in and as here.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself here in this country in this city in this house in this room because I let my desires to not want to be here.
But in fact I am here. And everything is here what is actually real. So within the desire I try to not want to see what is really here – but want to see that is of my memory.
I stop. I stop. I stop.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word: regret.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I have no relationship.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I stayed here in this country.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I spent so much money in my trip in asia and now I have to pay back.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I stated out to Beci what is the actual real truth about reality and him and me – that all are dishonesty and everybody is in the past as preprogrammed robot and when I raged I regreted that I was hard with him specially because he is kind of a sensitive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I became addictive to pictures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I had to sold my MIDI, so now I can not use that for make music.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret what I have not done but I wanted.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to regret that I have not direct me always.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt in myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can direct me.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can exist without desire.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to not be one and equal with and as the expression of me here.
Just now my ex called to meet again here on the island so I can correct my expression.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not let her go, because of the hope.
ANY relationship from this world can not be trusted – only self-trust can be real or not.