Desire stuff again. How I see it here – how I experience here.
Some weeks ago – maybe more than a month – I decided to make contact with woman again – ok before I already did steps but as one girl said – ‘you are not giving too much into it, and it is not enough’ – but I’ve decided to not give up myself again – not giving up on myself in terms of what I actually am is not what I can paused or procrastinated just because of the excuse of ‘I have a girlfriend and now she want my time or I want my time’. No. No bullshit. Not anymore. Not allowed. I am me as me as one as equal. And My self-forgiveness as self-purification until I am here and that’s it and that’s all. And After all then I decided to just have fun – mean just have sex and by that maybe I will find a ‘proper’ girl who I could find to have as an agreement – as it never was before – because the starting point never was actually oneness and equality – not even mentioned – and totally not lived.
So I met with some women and I had to realise – again – and again – that I desire me. Actually I desire me for me to be me and to experience me.
Because when I am here – in a certain extent and I express me and I just do whatever I enjoy to express and I forget about time and I forget about fear, past everything and I just do whatever I do – then it is like something what makes me to not only forget the desire, but also just realise that I do not need desire, when I am here – the desire is not here – and common sense: then I have no desire, am not of desire, I am not desire.
And this sex thing is the only what I use as an excuse to find a relationship – of course – every body does this – derived and drived by the mind due the manifested separation of dishonesty.
Because I definied relationship as dishonesty, because I definied relationship as giving up somehing of me to get sex, to have sex – and no matter what and how I did, manifested – the core was great sex – with a beautiful woman.
And when it manifested, when not only me became addicted to sex, but the girl also – because was unbeliably fantastic and when is just fantastic and is here apparently for free – people can take it granted and slowly but surely putting more and more value into that and putting even the definition of themselves trough the experienes, especially the memory-related stuff – so just not wanting to loose – and then the real obsession begins – to giving up who I am to actually maintain this relationship. And of course this can be really twisted when from the begining iI have no any clue about who I am – and after I have, and I want and I get and I want and after I really get and it is here and I see that I got and I realise that I have but something is missing…me. Then I just want to walk away – silently, because at a point I already knew this will happen – and I went in and omg timeloop.
So I did it 8 years ago and I did it 5 years ago and I did it 2 years ago. And more I did – needed less and less ‘time’ to get to the same point – but differently: I am not of this.
And now I tried to form, to get, to hunt, to actually fit into one, until I did not allowed me to realise – I am trying to remanifest what I already did and realised that I am not this – because when I am accepting, and allowing me to enjoy me just here – but as this was – still “IS” conditional – this kind of expression – is kind of event-based, not self-direction-based – is never was just me who I am as stability.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my desires will be fulfilled – instead of realising in the realisation the releaseIam occurs – I believed that I lost myself – I believed that I am not real – and I believed that the desire is real to be lived again – and experiencing a gain.
And the desire raised and I desired to fulfill me – because I feared that I am not here as who I am – and in that fear I actually manifested it – and in the manifestation I lost and I definied myself according to the manifestation of fear. And even I became addicted to manifest the fear -believing that fear as me – instead of realising that is just a reflection of me – and I manifest it as my shadow – but I am not that only – embracing the shadow self. Trough stopping the relationship with and as my shadow self as definied and maintained separation and unifying it as me as one as equal here – trough dissolving, distracting the connections what keeps this system up – what I fear of loss – what I fear of being exposed, being exploded – because I define it as me – and by this it is actually me – this mind consciousness system what I’ve became.
I wanted to stop desire – I always wanted to stop and even since some days I experienced something really strange – like the desire to follow desire – and I even had to develop self-trust and self-intimacy to even experience this: I dont want to follow my desires – because it is deception, because I know it, because I realised it is an illusion – merely the creation of my mind.
So I stop desire, I stop follow, I stop feed desire, because again I am in the desert alone with the realisation as all are illusion.
And it is strange, how I operate from an ‘another level’ – as I know already what I will to do – but I can not do at the moment – ok I CAN but probably I still let some judgement – AS I still develop self-movement to actually being able to do what I direct – and it is to STOP. STOP follow desire and simply be HERE.
So simple. And this is still tricky somehow – as I started to be happy about “I will stop follow desire very soon” – and trough defining it – and of course still there is the possibility of self-deception as I just write and exactly will do the same – driven by an event – but first that I have to face and stand second anyway I realised again the illusionaric nature of desire – and at the first time I am aware of quite well and it makes sign. And that sign is to actually STAND.
And this desire of course not stopped totally – but the sharpness of it merely getting really rusty – and I am aware of this when occurs in it’s totality – and like this I start to be able to really see what I am doing and actually why.
Stopping desire is about stopping self- sopping deception-self – and by stopping actually realising what is here – what really I am.
I still see some desire to musical instruments and audio hardware as microphone soundcard and after wont be more excuse to express me in music – and whatever definition comes up: I STOP.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to using stopping desire as a polarity to being able to regain desire again – being the absolute polarity manifestation within and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all my desires, wishes will be fulfilled.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be controlled trough definied desie.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself trough what I see with my human phisical eyes.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and alllowed myself to desire relationship.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire sex.
I forgive myself that I accepted aND allowed myself to fear from me.