Moments of truth about fucking afraid I am but getting weaker as I write it out

this was a reply to ann’s blog’s on communicating

heyy heyy

at the night we just watched 12monkeys movie. Amazing. Contains everything. And that is fucking shit what I experience, I live with a guy who is actually is “just a guy” who is guitarist in a band, “very good” firend etc he sees me like who just always see that “girl speaking on that movies and chatting about matrix and like that” etc…and I always show him movies, when he started to live with me, he sayed that: let’s look a movie..and I did not wanted, I just smoked, watched HOM and played games…Now we watch movies what he never seen, but wanted to see..And you know what, I saw theese movies many-many times, now I am speaking about especially 12 monkeys.(matrixes ,war of worlds etc we saw) But. I never understood really. In that movie I found me many many much, about what I want, who I want to be, what will happen, what happened with me, and! I never understood really, and this guy was just smiling after the movie and said some stuff, and I said to him “Ok, what if this all is preprogrammed? Also this and I raised my arm and moved slowly. What IS the difference is preprogrammed prese(n)t and moment? ” –so he is very very special guy but ..the words what he sayed were also preprogrammed without even knowing…
That means the annunaki not knew that just about do a program, put beings into it and program themselves, slave them all with the White light, and like that the removing the White Light also was preprogrammed, also the process? Ok irrevelant…
How I can be the same than 10 generations before, when there were not movies, like that, or matrix, or even computers? Ok I can imagine it with the thoughts inside little codes, and thought picture now is different, but the code is same..strange…
And you know what was the fucking thing what made me do crocodile tears(the movie ends with no “happiness”, but like endless loop in time, and mentions preprogramming, the “them who in the future in control”, that “the world will be soon of dogs and cats humanity will destroy”, many, and those in the movie spoke to people about stuff about “what will happen and noone believes etc” blablabla) and at the end of the movie there was a scene where I just saw a postcard holder box, what had the text “Hungary”. WTF
So this is all preprogrammed, all, or not? What is choose really?
I am very very afraid to see the world as it is in truth. If I start to explore it just like pictures and “fly” from picture to picture – I start to be very very scary about this is very very very sad and now tears coming, because nobody wants to hear, nobody believes me, nobody wants to wake up, and I planned this to happen exacltly to bring me into a situation where I can fuck all my knowledge, all my ability to just click off the mind-because if I do it, I become really really really afraid and that comes out from the inner core of my very being what became as I start to explore, how I wanted to hide behind a sucker picture, and still…- to not see the truth in one as equal as me, because I was afraid to step out from that picture to direct the world as me)
strange

ok I am now sure that if I could start to wake up before- the White Light just could pull me out from existence- I did not have chance without desteni–
but until I did not know that fact that the White Light is removed – I did not the ability to just be one with it and “overcome” as Bernard to just remove it as he did it in his rage – until that I even not wanted to experiment with switching off the mind, just when I did, I was in conditions, not by wanting as me as who I am as in onness and equality – but I was just the part of the equation to keep it in balance – to be one with that without equality in real
shit it is very very true
and even now as I write about many time I stopped my mind wanted to say “no, you are mad” fuck the mind fuck I AM ME AS ME AS THE BREATH AS LIFE
and the White light knowed me, inside me as me really so it could equate still that
“stopping the mind for a while”, still being sure that I will want to reboot it again to still hide AAAAAAAA

just another layer
thanks ann for being you as you and never believe what i say to you as a girl, because that is my vampire mind..now I see me and cry bit but this is life;))))and also if it is sad and painful: that is the life what corrode the mind as removing the reasons for desperately needing to hide from to express what we have really really inside as us until we do not prove us who we are in every moment no matter what around even the worst hell is manifested, that is just mind, picture world to play the math to keep us in polarity and force acts to hide from ourselves and each other…
and I still have problem in communicating, really, I just sometimes react like me as me, when I even do not know what will happen…because if I just sit down and ok now do it..that is mind, and like that just I act to hide still.. that’s why cool to be between people…moment reveals as we are – we want to be – absolute self honest in/out as one as equal
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
oks i put it onto my blog too
tala

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