Story of my life 1/3 – Childhood

Childhood

In my childhood i was a cute, but explicitly scared, frightened boy, who “accidently” always became entangled into a situation what I didnt understand, what made me extensively afraid, really lost my nerves literally. Dreadful, horrific, unimaginable fear what I remember, what caused that I could not sleep for weeks, months, years, I could not breath properly, it was manifested in my speak, in my movements, in my deeds. I was born into a farm, into a a poor, miserable family, who also were afraid, their weekdays were about fight, stubborn surviving.

As I started go “get intellect”, one day I had realised that my parents and my “family” can not live healthy, they are identically scared roamers, like me, who are almost helplessly twisting in the forest of dark, dense of life.

Quite soon I had lost my ability to still identify me with them, with their problems, with their views. I got support in this those tasks what they always gave me, those, what they apparently easily and naturally could do. I quote some>

Mother: “-My son, just have born theese little cats, we do not need them, go backside and push them to the ground.” – I was shuddering while I disobeyed.

-“Well, we cut down that pig (all of the court was full of blood, the green grass, the tree-stumps, the fence, everything), here is the axe, take that head apart, we need it’s brain to eat” – I did it.

-Hydrophobe fox attacked me with foaming mouth, with bleeding eyes when I had tried to hunt some pheasants near the river.

-I was helping to my cousing to “cut” rabbit, he hit the rabbit’s nape, as he hold the scared little white rabbit at the bottom of it’s ears, and that fainted. He hanged it to a pole and starting to (de)sckin. I did say: “Hey, this rabbit is still alive.” – “No, I stroke it to dead!” – I said again, I see it is alive, dont do it! – onto this he started to skinning it, pulling down the hanging rabbit’s skin, and that starts to scream, so much unearthly sound it was, what I never heard, and I saw my grandma was coming out from the kitchen, running here, picks a thin piece of wood, and starts to hit the hangking, screaming rabbit’s neck, head, until it died and said: ok now it is dead and she went back into kitchen.

-Chicken cuts, tearing off the dove’s heads, sausages(also from horses), etc etc…

-There was a time when the bastard mayor was always fucked mother, who by the way was a delightful hunter, always killed innocent animals, sold “shoots, antlers, skins” for money for germans. Sometimes also hit me, especially when I kicked into his sucker sun, who was the same but in little body – he was always fucking with me with full permission…

So I was so scary, i feared from fear, and from everything and from everybody, all the time and always. I desperatedly was looking for the wayout – I felt that this is the hell, i did not loved anybody, only walking alone in plains, forests, nature, running with deers, eating wheet, running, lying on the grass, laugh with clouds, looking at the river and speaking with singer birds – but there was always something what was not right, what was a splinter in my life: for example when I had found a rubbish-heap in the middle of the forest, or carcass den, or I saw trapped dead animal or I accompanied with other kids from the village to fishing, and we got answer from the fish-securityguard that he shoot to that direction where we were hiding, and I remember the clanging dust-shot in the cornfield, and we were hiding, running, it was really scary…

This was just an example of that fear, which gives me power, what ruthlessly drives me over of everything and everybody, what weights me down and motivates. The freedom, what I never found but always knew, that I really do not care anything else in this world.

As I had growned up, fit into, have forced to be with people, simply I needed something what gives temporally solution for that reason: how can I handle this horrific experience inside me. For to be able to speak, for to be able to see into people’s eyes, not to want to run away/hide all the time,. I knew that I have to grow over of my family, because they apparently love me, but they do not have any idea about what are they doing, and why…

Moreover they were always just barrier, I never could be me, their own fear was projected onto me and they looked me as their posession, pet, and they formed me to themselves.

It was obvious that I can not count on them, my sister was the one who I did like, until that day when she became some years old and I saw that she’s manifestation is the same then the „other” family member. What I did not perceived in that time – until now, that „the strategy of struggling of my family” has manifested in me too. I hated this in my sister and I expressed.

In that time she was the only one who gave the ability almost unconsciously to express my sick, supressed estensive fear’s angry liveouts, so I was not so kind with her, from her age of 3-5…

We were very poor family, we did not have anything, only some toys. Mother and father was always fighting, father was drinking always, as I saw with my head of child: he was more broken and broke into one point. Once when the parents were already divorced

(father just drunk all of money, alone, he never play with us or any, he was really alone, and they once just divorced, because mother has realised that something was wrong with me and started to piss into my pants, and some doctor/psychologist said to her that it is not good for me that situation with the family, so she divorced and split. From that time, “we had to” visit our father, what was on the top of the biggest hill in the village, because mother was afraid from father thinks that she does not allow us to visit him. However that’s why she sent us to him, and we hated this, but did. As we went up to father’s street in the village, people shouted to me and my little sister that “your father owes me”, and sometimes we had to pull him from a pit because he was unconsciously drunk.)

..so once I was alone with my father and he said to me that, while we were watching a jet fighter aircraft has crashed in the TV:

“My son, we can die at any time and we can not do anything against this.” –This touched him very sensitively, this could be something zen, but he perceived differently, he did not perceived this like that: ok, let’s live now until death…no he felt meaningless, and fear, and nonsenseless, pointless or something that…

My mother is very strong person, her mother never liked her –still- and gave her to be adopted (also because no money they had), after unfortunately adopted back, hit her much, so she tried to commit suicide when she was 17 when a camionist guy was pilfering on her and wanted to marry her and my grandparents agreed. This guy hit her and was brutal and she did not see any else wayout, only finish this life. Took one box of strong pills, but accidently her cousin visited her and took her into hospital where they brought her back. After that she met with my father and he was 12 years older and mother maybe liked that father was like a „fishblooded” guy, a broken, coward man. And accidently I came into this situation what bond them, and she wanted my sister, so she lied to my father that she is protecting in sex(2 and half years later that I came) and so like this my sister came into life.

I had to give truth for mother’s opinion that my only chance to break out from that situation, that I am good in school and be good learner. Apparently the school was different. It was no matter how I was afraid, how I was inhibited and scared, no, the point was what they teached how I could learn that. So like that the school gave me a little space for my frightened little mind.

I had nearly eternal motivation and force in me, what the fear – to be more exact, the fear from fear feeded in me.

I was experimenting to diverting my attention, because I had the fear inside me so vast, that I could not beared it. Supression, retention, making desire and lies what I practised, so when I reached the age about 10 years old, I could do wolf’s eye with anybody. I had enjoyed that nobody, NOBODY could able to to bear my unfaltering glance, I was merely looked into the eyes, like an animal s while I was in high school, I had to wake up at quarter to 5 and I was in the school to 7 and I was walked up and down at the bus stops, like a trapped wolf and I liked that. Like that by on the way of theese kind of thoughts, I could build a “aircastle” in my head. I became to be thinking, what was apparently useful, perfect for reinforcement and diverting. Extremely I became addicted, self-reinforcement, concepts, lies, desires, ideas.

I realised that the reason(apparently) of all of pain of my family was the money(debt). It was apparently good idea almost ALWAYS that who I was with, to copy his/her ideas, views, world’s views to “copy”, because I did not know who I am, so I was experimenting with this.

I have “learnt” much, I believed others unrestrictedly, drifting between of patterns of personalities, and I had lost like that ultimatedly.

One day I was around grandma’s house, and the father of her suddenly died. He was lived in the second kitchen(summer kitchen) in his last years and smoked 2 box of cigarettes in one day and once he died. And he was lying on a table on the corridor and I went there and I touched him. It was relevand experience: his body was cold and it changed me extensively, and grandma came and she was anxious why I did that and I realised this is the point which is the most strange: die. Hahah…

What else lets look..yes one day I remember there was a big fight in family, grandpa came to home and was like a brutal demon he was drunk and I still not remember about the topics, but was like on samurai movies, everybody was holding their sword in the case and looking around and speak speak, getting more intense, and suddenly grandpa took down the door from it’s case and started to use it against the others and what I remember I became afraid, and on next moment my mother took a knife from the desk and she jumped onto his father and I saw her hand lift up with the knife and that went down and whaaaa…she held the knife like the blade pointed upside, not downside, so the handle was what hit grandpas back neck shoulder and the blade was devily shining as it was still un-blooded(was like very big luck that mother lost mind so it did not ended by massacre, just some wreckle and grandpa survived) and it was like demons were there and I ran out, took the bycicle and cried and rided away, there was at very far a place what I used for run away, the sweep well and I was there and cried many many…

By the years, slowly but surely I appeared to change: I started to like girls, I started to use computers, I stopped my big walks in nature, I did not go anywhere, I just read. How it was? I still had strange, unexplainable experiences, whose brought back my “horrors”, I felt that I had to think more strongly, using fantasy, I had to hide more, to be “invulnerable”. I was reading all the time, I started to programming on computers. Sometimes I still went out riding bycicle, but it was just about fear, the shepard dogs attacked me, when I wanted to go my favourite sweep well, wild pigs, foxes, insects etc, and I always ran back to home but at home was “the fight”: family argues, drunkeness, crying, no peace, only fight and struggling, constant strife, what family showed to me. Sometimes the same occured in school, once children were stood around me and laughed me, even they took me on their shoulders and ran with me, and I was very afraid, and I heard they said “HE DOES NOT KNOW”.

This was around 9 years old. So I did not know. Carola came and she said she will reveal it. She took me into the girls toalett and showed her pussy to me and took my penis and she told me what is sex and put my hand onto her pussy and stroked it, and showed me her gooseskinned thigh and she said it is prickling for her and she said it is good for her…After that I started to be interesed with girls, but i was always very inhibited, I was very scared and I was really innocence. Sometimes girls came and wanted something from me but I still did not understand it well…There was a guy in the village, who was big and ugly and he showed me how masturbation is working, and he asked me to do it for him and for me, and like that I had lost more extensively. My cousin she layed me onto her naked and wanted me to fuck like grownups(she is 4 years older) but my penis did not get up still…After that it started to stand up, and that was also just enormous problem too. I was in shame when I experienced it stood up, and for example in school others had the ability with penis not standing up, for example when we were preparing to going phisical exercise subject and changed clothes together with girls in classroom, my penis stood up as I saw girls getting less clothes, and others could play with their bended down penis to run after girls in panties happily..I couldnt to do it, mine started to prickling, standing up and it was shame…

Once I had very strange experience, I was coming from grandma’s house, on a road to go to home and between the river and houses was the road, surrounded by trees, and once I saw big stuff flyed upon the trees, was very close to the leaves of the trees and was like an UFO, but not sure and I did not understand what was that but was shining and fearful.

I reached 10 years old, until that I was my favourite of my form master and she adored me, always huging me etc…After that many new teachers I got, the math teacher was almost always drunk, he hit my head into the signboard, “bastard sheep berta” (berta is my family name) he said, and next time he did not understand why I could not to say anything and he said “you are more clever than this”. So in day-boarder I also got many hit from “teachers”, at home mother also did it but only sometimes. Father never did. Mother always said she loves me, but this was just fear, the love what I did not experienced that time without condition, was just a word for a reason for people to use let down their fear…

Mother sent me into study circles like singing, dancing etc but there I was quite vivid and teacher said next time you do not have to come, please…I was not happy about it…and there was also religion circle at school and mother asked Do you want to learn about theologue and I said no, so I did not have to go.

I remember once I went out from school to the nearby sweetshop(where the math teacher drunk many shorts inbetween classes) and I did play little with slotmachine. After we went back to school and teacher, who was apparently cool, he gave me so much slap that the ground gave me the second really was like in wrestling – that was hurt! Another teacher gave me big hit with his closed fists bone onto my head many times, also was big hurt and itched extensively. Another teacher used a staff to hit us many times…

There was a classmate girl who allowed for anybody for a copper 2Forint money to put our fingers into her pussy and we were stood in lines and one after another we did it not only once…It was wet and strange inside her…

I was bad many times but with others I just followed them and I did that they did…for example we feed one guy with worm, we stolen many things from school…I was good learner, and I was in study circles in many, but mostly in computers stuff…I started to programming, and I got a C64 computer and I started to play, and programming…

High school was similar, girls came and i was very afraid, the bigger ones hurt me, until I was 17 and once the others wanted to put my head into toilet, and I kicked apart the whole toilet and it broke. The animal came to surface, the demon, and I started to understand that the anger is cool and if it comes, then it comes and have to release it.

I had found sexmovies at grandfather, and I saw them and masturbated, but I was afraid that they could catch me, and in school real girls and I was afraid. There was a girl, Barbara, who had unbeliable body she was one year older than me and I liked her body extensively, when she went to exercise subject, she had dress like bikini and bulged her pussy, and the notch was enormously arousing, I totally lost my mind…But I never could speak her…but once she sit onto my legs and I almost died, and my penis stood up and I was in constant terror about she could feel that and I was very very very scared…

Once in the village I got neigbours gipsy family, and I was a lot with a girl and once her and me went to a boat on the lake and were alone and she showed her tits from bikini and I was very very anxious and did nothing but scared…it was like that until university, where I could get in without any hard work, because I was programming much until that, competitions etc…Around that my father died, what was very interesting experience.

In that times my mother got into psychiatry, she got crocked. And there she met with my father who she did not see since years, but father also lost his mind – quite accidently, hm.. So they spoke and after all mother got to home and she said father is getting really worse, I should visit him. And I did not visited him, but I felt somehow that I should see him, because very soon I will loose this possibility. And this came up some times, but I rejected it, because I was afraid. And after that once the news came: he died. I even not remember any feeling about that when I got that news, just like “ok”, he stopped suffering, I do not have to go to visit him anymore and anyway one less problem. We went to the funeral, into that city where I was born, and the father’s relatives lived there around, who I saw once before in my life, but most of them never before…This was strange experience, there were some, who were almost looked like my father, but found little variation only. And many of them came to me and said I look totally like father, just little bit thinner. After the funeral came, the ceremony, it was not godlike stuff, father was in communist party, only one guy came and gave speech and I was holding mothers hand and I saw that the coffin was going down. In that time I was looking inside to me and I did not feel anything. And I watched more intensely and I experienced I was holding strongly mother’s hand and flooded something intense. It was not good, it was not bad, just some kind of experience, but I was fighting with tears, and maybe I got that hm I am not unhappy, and maybe yes..Like I was unhappy about I am not unhappy about his death. I did not feel death was so bad…This was pushed me down for a time, there was some weeks while it passed, but totally I needed 1-2 years for work that out, and after that I felt about ok this thing is quite ok. I felt that father is gone, and he came into me, we became one and things like that. Oh yes, how did he died? He was drunk- he always was called to an alcoholist by everyone, except him; he drowned into a pit near a road. Namely I was told to that. I had thoughts about it was not true, and I should investigate what reallz happened, but I knew, it did not matters. He was very strange man, I never met any human anymore like “his type”. After years I felt that he was my death too, and about he was standing behind my shoulder, and we are same. After that when people asked about my family, and I told the truth, people started to regret me, and they did like about being sadness, and I did not understand why I just laugh on that and why it is no problem for me. I felt that it was natural and nothing special. I mean we birth and die obviously, this was always clear for me.

Meanwhile the highschool-leaving exam came, and I never learned in/for school, I couldnt understand really what is learning, it was always enough to be there at lessons, to do homework and everything worked well like that. There were some occasions when I sucked that in, so I did not know anything on little exams, and I got bad assessment, but it did not mattered, because entirelly I looked apparently good learner. In hungarian subject hours the teachress once I had to recite the lesson about a lyricist and I could speak only some words, I did not know anything, but had to analyse some poems, and I was afraid and could not speak really,but she gave me good classification, and from that point she exceptioned with me extensively, she always told that I was special, and she liked me very much. Many teacher did this exceptioning with me, and others got the classification 1(worst) and me for same I got nothing just hmmm!. I was good in bookkeeping, programming too, theese were the main subjects in the school, i was sent to competitions too, but I did not reached the country qualified final, I even did not cared. Mother always wanted to see me to much better learner, but I even did not know, what I was doing, just things happened and I was scared.

Next time i continue with unversity, alcohol, girls, marriage and drugs and my escaping into illusion called spiritualism especially my experiences with the White Light.

Thanks tala

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