Day 343 – Sadness and blame – Self-forgiveness

IMG_3488Continuing with the realizations and self-correction of my process of suppression, emotional outburst, followed with sadness and loss experience.

For context, this is my last post, where started to open up my emotional and blaming fear.

These Self-forgiveness sentences are what I wrote first – notice that in overall the point I apply self-forgiveness to is my experiences, how I feel, and still blaming the other in somewhat hidden way to justify how I feel:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, confused, anxious and somewhat traumatized as she rejected and left me, removed my contact from social networks and basically burned up all bridges to even reconnect. (was not true, but I felt like in that time)
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stupid to put out so much trust, work, hope and expectation to the future with a person who with we had great experiences and plans, but in reality it turned out to be not lasting, and I see the tendency to go into self-judgement and doubt and not realizing that it’s not only myself who is responsible for what is happening, but both of us and I have no influence, power, or even actual understanding of what the other thought, felt as was not mutual sharing since quite some time.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to open up and communicate with me within my belief that it’s also her commitment that solve any conflict or misunderstanding within herself and ourselves as well, and within seeing the lack of it myself to become very direct and not considering that I stopped sharing gentleness and kindness, because of feeling hurt and fear of loss.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the solution, simplicity and common sense to want to process, solve, remove and transcend, while in fact there is initiative and opportunity to MOVE and DIRECT, EXPRESS and LIVE, and wanting to wallow into experiences and then wanting to clean myself up instead of just – not going “there”, but to start doing something which is here in my direct reality, meanwhile if I am distracted or not present, I apply self-forgiveness and self-corrective statement, self-commitment to come back here and let go the strive to go into conflict and judgement again and again and again, which is fear of letting go, even the fear itself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself today as I had a laugh within which I was forgetting what happened, happens with me and then saying to myself ‘well, I should not feel good, horrible things just happened, so let’s just go back to be sad’ – and within that not realizing the self-abuse and self-punishment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got obsessive with reading my emails I send to the other to clarify or try to open up and communicate about points I saw as relevant to discuss about, while the other as communicated, ‘got shocked’ and completely shut down and decided to immediately end any contact with me, which then shocked me as well.

Writing already supported – to slow down, to not only decide but actually do start to forgive and correct myself, thus it’s really important to do it as soon as possible, instead of just fall into storms of emotions, which eventually everyone will realize – kind of waste of time and totally uncool experience. So when I wrote this, I was able to see that this is just the surface and going to continue with (for)-giving myself the understanding to see it more clearly and to realize of what could have done better.

I literally give for myself the opportunity to own all of my past, present and future.

And I move from what I did towards why I did:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt within the other not wanting to communicate with actual calls, but only with texting while I kept missing and longing for actual voice calls, and even when asked for it the other refused to do so and especially feeling hurt in the fact that after all of what we went through together, she did not even bother to tell me in call, just writing me good bye letter without asking or clarifying further. And within all of this focusing only to my feelings, not considering how she could have felt or experienced within this and also not considering that probably it’s the best she sees she can do now and I should respect it, understand it as if I would be in her place and would want to just end it all, then this was very effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up or directly communicate when I already noticed the change within the nature of our communication and I thought that maybe I overreact, maybe it’s just me missing out, being lonely, while all I did was suppressing the point, not communicating, not purifying from within as well, so now cannot be known if it was relevant, practical or fear-related consideration.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel misunderstood and hurt when the other states that she thinks that I am within this relationship for profit and benefit plus advantages and within that realizing that what she perceives of me is completely different from how I experience or perceive, and within that trying to share my starting point to ensure that the other understands it, to be able to let go this fear but within that taking her worry personally and wanting to speak spicy or emotionally charged.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I had, experienced or hoped for was ‘true and real love’ – meanwhile not realizing that it was my hope and desire and I wanted to see it within the thing I was participating in my mind and when I felt it did burst as a bubble with the ‘good bye email’ – I experienced confusion and sadness, as seeing my bubble burst and to see what’s real behind it – myself with my hope and fear of loss – and focusing to the loss of what was not real – as I could have instead of seeing what is here, and still remains real within this all: the movement, the expansion, and still the possibility to step up, own and correct it and also the dedication and mistakes, the missed opportunities, to keep learning, changing and growing.

Next day I was writing again, starting with overall experiences and then right into self-forgiveness.

Also possible to expand towards understanding the other participant’s view, experiences, motivation, action with Self-forgiveness.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to look to the other person’s view, who might saw this as too heavy drama, blame and expectation, to be too busy and demanding, emotional and untrustworthy, and within that not realizing that the things I write indeed indicated that I am disappointed, frustrated and uncertain, meanwhile in fact wanted to communicate that this is what I am currently working through and it might not have to be shared but within that to see the hope I try to rely to, of ‘what if’ I could have not sent that email, then all would be fine, and not realizing that the very existence of that email was actual consequence of all not being fine in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and fight for get back what I feel losing, and not letting it go unconditionally and focus to what is in front of me, here in this moment, today.
  • I breathe, I apply self-forgiveness and I expand, I grow and focus on releasing this emotional charge from my human physical body and with that also to practically learn and become able to let this go and focus to what’s here, what’s next and not go into desire, hope, sadness or fear and whenever would go – to realize it was the other persons’ decision, thus I trust that it is the best for her which indeed, in fact always was, and will be a priority to respect and support.

On the upcoming day I was able to more and more focus to the sadness experience with prevention and correction, and started to anchor myself further back here with the support of previously ‘walked’ realizations.

  • I commit myself to stop blaming, I commit myself to stop feeling sad, I commit myself to stop judging myself for what I have done or have not done and I commit myself to focus to what’s ahead, here, next, present.
  • I commit myself to make effort understand the other part’s motivation, experience and understanding.
  • I commit myself to anchor myself into and as physical presence with clear and effective, self-directed and practical mind.
  • I commit myself to communicate with gentleness and the way I would like to be communicated to.
  • I commit myself to recognize the effect of acting based on fear as manifesting it, thus to stop participate within any fear and to stop, forgive, write it down, remember it and recognize the trigger points, the existing self-dishonest relationships with specific words within my mind to be aware of, work with and be able to disengage, release.

These were just samples of the actual written Self-forgiveness, as some are personal points, and some are kind of repetitive, but further specification of the personal points to understand further and more precisely.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ask the question what I am missing here, why I am surprised, what I can do to solve this in the way I really want – which is to correct myself, let go emotions and fear and focus to what can be done to make the other become aware that I made mistake which I am really correcting and thus offering her to re-consider her decision about our communication and relationship.

Eventually I was able to write a letter to the person wherein I take responsibility for all I did and what I have done wrong and why from my perspective, how should I have done and also to express my gratitude and respect for all we shared and grew together.

The other person recognized the process I have walked, also opened up additional points to share with me about the whole topic we ‘danced around’ and she also explained that there are things what better to keep to self as maybe it’s temporally, yet the pain what can cause with sharing would remain.

Very wise. Indeed, really learned the lesson and committing myself not do do this again – with anyone: to put out my doubt, worry, fear as emotional storm. My responsibility to clarify within self first, then to see what’s supportive and how to share that. So.
Also possible, if both parties are agreeing to – by recognizing – ‘hey, this and that is emerging, we should clarify things – in respective sharing and motivation’. Big difference, which I did not apply as I focused to my experiences of reacting to what I got back as feedback, and within that – I saw my fear within and I got afraid even further when seeing exactly the one thing happening, what I was afraid of – not by coincidence, but my ‘attitude’. Important to realize – when things seem dire and totally uncool – I might see my fear projected out and still there are things to do, or at least to try – instead of stopping to move, express, share and live – to just storm emotions within until they take over and I sit onto the blame-train to just rush, wherever it’s rails would lead me to.

On the next day I continued to open up sadness – and the overwhelming experience of it –  as it was kind of a fear of loss, a give up – not real give up – just a momentary emotion took over and until the energy lasted, I was trying to cope with the loss I perceived – but all was not real – and had to realize that sadness is OK for a moment, if it’s an expression, a living direction – but as an experience, an emotion, a mood – it’s just self-dishonesty.

What is ‘dangerous’ here is that within that fearful experience – I perceive that it is real, and based on that I react and act – and thus I solidify my relationship with a perception, which might not be real, but the more I participate within this pattern, the more it actually becomes. This is a key to each human to recognize about fear. I manifest my worst fear if I give into it.

It is Self-manipulation and Self-sabotage. Thus to forgive this too is common sense:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I allow sadness, as an emotion, a mood to cloud me – it’s not self-expression, it’s not self-direction, self-movement, but it’s a give up, a doubt, a failure due to fear experience, due to self-judgement, which is self-dishonest, and instead of investing into reactions, emotions, rather to still look to what I can do to correct my mistakes or if not, then to ensure how never to make them again and to move on.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness and loss experience is a form of giving up, accepting what I perceive as final, because in a pattern of reality, I see my fear to manifest and I react to my fear, superimposed to facts, thus I cannot see what’s here, and within that give up – I give into the opposite of my utmost potential, justified with the perception of already seeing what can happen as worst, and not looking to see options to change the outcome, and within that not asking why not.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give up and become sad about it, and not being honest about it with myself that I am actually sad, because I give up and I am powerless about giving up, and feeling the thing I fear losing as lost, meanwhile it’s only lost within my perception of inflated fear in my mind, and in this sense, I give up what’s real to manifest my fear.
  • I forgive myself hat I have not realized that if I react with sadness – it means I am giving into the self-acceptance of powerlessness, thus it’s an indication of self-dishonesty and the need to step back and re-align with absolute self-honesty to see: it’s not about the other person, but about my giving up and trying to do it as I don’t know about it but if I really slow down within and look at it – I can discover, understand that all I experience, feel, react to and do or don’t do – all: I do, myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the same way as I give into give up and sadness, I also can direct myself to stop lye to myself and start becoming honest, no matter how brutal it might feel, but the first step is to align with reality and facts, and all the pain and reaction of suffering I go through meanwhile – is the realization of how much I took refugee within delusions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have blamed the other, projected doubt and fear to other, meanwhile with my sadness and un-named giving up experience, I was, who went into doubt and used the other’s behavior to justify this and feed into my fear, so then I can keep fearing to lose what is important.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my decision to stand, to do, to act – is only myself and whatever and whenever I experience any emotional reaction – is all my responsibility – noone can make me disappointed, but myself, and within this to realize that I am not aware of how I am actually responsible for each and every single inner reaction and outer action I experience, participate within or express.

I can do whatever I want, but if I lie to myself – my whole life becomes a lie – everyone can have relationship with anyone, but if they lie to themselves in any way whatsoever meanwhile, that’s their responsibility – with themselves first – as then that is manifested in relation not only self but to the other as well, and then to blame is easy, but hurtful and actually not fair as all starts and stops with self.

Also the ‘I do whatever I want just never to lie to myself‘ – might sound like some Ayn Rand type of egoistic individualist rant – but in fact not, as if I am really-really honest with myself – I can’t lie about the fact of if I do bad things to others, then it’s in overall bad – which by I mean that I would not like to be done to myself for instance and as we are living in a closed system, everything goes around and only the uneducated minds do not realize that. So yes, I can do whatever I want, but also considering others as me as equals – otherwise I am not honest, but on a fake mind-trip. Equals, in the sense of walking same process, just with different situations, points, advantages, disadvantages, but the same type of Self-honesty we all face and should live.

That’s why everyone should be absolutely and very specific about to be honest with self all the time! That’s much more difficult than it sounds due to the preconditioning and imprinting of spoiled civilization norms and the accumulated consequence of endless times existing within self-dishonesty.

In a way, that’s why Process comes first – how would I want to love anyone until I can’t understand and live love to the person, who is always here: myself. I can ‘practise’ – ‘study’, ‘test’ and ‘learn’ how to understand and support this person, who is always here – with me: myself. Relationship with self – sounds weird at first – but if we look at it – everyone already has relationship with their mind, body for instance.

If I direct every movement, every word, if I write, keep diary/blog, to decompose mind-patterns and to decide what is supportive, what is not, what to expand with, what to stop: That’s practical love. Loving self is not ego, neither selfishness – those who are full of ego or ‘themselves’ – they are not really loving themselves, they are lost in the echo chamber of their mind, resulting with losing real connection, real empathy, real response-ability with others – that is not love, that is just evolution of the mind with the starting point of fear.

So, when being in relationship with someone – in a way – does not matter what type of relationship – to take responsibility for myself, to be able to stand – first – and then to share and care what’s relevant – thus literally expand myself with the same principles – well, technically, there is no separation then – as just self-expansion within living this practical, real, grounded, ‘physical’ love.

Physical, meaning cross-referenced with facts, actual, in this world, system-support. Not meant physical love as sex – although that also can be part of it, but in a very specific type of relationship. Just mentioning this not to be misunderstood of the phrase ‘physical love’.
It means practical, grounded, reliable, stable and clear – just like the matter around us, or our body, the breath – in relation to the mind – this is good start to cross-reference to assist and support with self-directing letting go delusions, fears, convictions, beliefs.

Taking out the garbage, dishwashing, cleaning the toilet, or taking initiative on something around the living area, house and own the responsibility reliably, to get problems or things to do from the other and solve it by myself, to remain consistent, to not get moody, to be able to listen and notice small things – these are just examples on what one can find about physical love – action on earth, what matters.

When one does not get immediate emotional energetic stimulation reward for things to do, those things are what can be de-prioritized, judged as inferior, mundane, not enjoyable – but its not true. Its all in my head and I can re-align perception to whats really best for all participants – in the house, family, etc. It’s the actual details one has to go into to find out what practical love could really mean, not the emotional love drama as in the movies. In the movies they don’t even go to toilet(or if they do, get killed probably in a morbidly strange way) —  its not real 🙂 , but what I do today, here is.

See – it’s tough – maybe just for me, maybe for others too – to engage on decomposing and re-defining the word love, especially as I have quite some years already with experiences, mistakes, falls, stand ups, memories, of some I have already walked with Self-forgiveness to change in relation to – and towards some: not yet and definitely going to – directly or just would come up in relation to some situation.

After all, I was able to apologize to the other person for my doubt, my fear, my worry and wanting attention and clarification, guarantee and to cling onto feelings and energies and to stick to practical living – it always depends on the type of relationship people are within, and in this situation: what we agreed on, what we meant by that, how we felt about it, what did we share about it and what we actually did.

Also important point – did she acted the best way possible? Could she also have extended to ‘save’ this? Certainly. It was up to her and was overwhelmed with extremely important things thus in that moment decided not to. It’s ok. This process here is about what I can take responsibility for and as I go along the way – I trust myself on what I accept and allow within my relationship – with myself – and other too. And in this sense, it’s my decision if I am still ok with her stepping out from this. I mean, if would be no mutual support and commitment and real action towards solutions and growth, then I’d obviously re-evaluate my commitment. Just sharing this point to others about when if someone would face a relationship what does not seem supportive at all and not everyone stands on the same side so to speak.

But here with this person I reacted and worried about, we do stand on the same side, and had to learn about expanding communication and self-responsibility this way.

It’s quite a difference from what I wrote first, what caused the ‘stirring in the water’ – and if I could have started like this, would have been such difference.

As I saw a potential of an outcome and I judged it and felt bad about it and focused to that option, what I did not like – and thus feeding it – instead of to see what I can do, to change the outcome with fall into reactions and stop moving.

But to be able not to react – often one has to forgive the already self-accepted patterns and automatic behaviour of being reactive – and for being able to change/stop that – one must understand it’s details to the utmost specificity. Not some magic mantra, if someone says it a million times, as believing that it would help with some vibration of universal love – that’s pretty much the definition of delusion. What I mean is to exactly be able to describe everything happened within self and in reality with words – to see the whole scenario as clear as possible – understanding motives, reasons, starting points and context – and thus to see what’s the source, the origin – and what was the trigger point. When next time would come, I see BEFORE activates, thus I can PREVENT my nasty, worried, emotional self to act out. This is a skill, can be learned and be effective with it, just like with riding a bike or learning language. It’s very specific and tedious process, but it works, no doubt. Worthy of every moment to spend time with, I guarantee.

This is – after – some time passed – my ‘new’ Self-forgiveness point to be added to the topic, what I have realized about it since then:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got stuck in a pattern, which I defined as something predictable, safe and hopeful, and when the pattern did not play anymore, I got worried, that this means – CHANGE means – bad as it leads to unknown, which is scary as within the darkness of unknown, I fear that the worst I can imagine would wait for me, thus not only hesitating to step into, but also fearing to acknowledge it, and triggering a frustration and sadness and not realizing I literally got afraid of my own mind-shadow, which made me try to run away while blaming the other.

– quite interesting.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts any human can ever apply, as it can be directed to various types, forms and shapes of problems to understand more, to become more responsible and effective by becoming aware of the points one faces with the starting point of self-honesty and focus to practical understanding and self-directed change.

Any frustration, limitation, conflict or fear surfaces within me – I apply self-forgiveness to give the opportunity for myself to understand this point, to be able to cross-reference the factors and to see what’s real, relevant and supportive. And from that point of view – what I feel or being convinced about – should be re-evaluated with fully available information and understanding.

I will continue on an other point I have realized about being non-reactive and what I mean by that in a self-honest way and keep expanding on the realizations and self-forgiveness(to further specify and correct of what I wrote here) to support myself to keep walking from self-interest, fear and delusion to practical and living love.

Until that – consider this free online course if you have not yet walked it – can really support to understand human consciousness, yourself and others more:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

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Day 342 – Facing Sadness and Experience of Loss

IMG_7732Some time ago I have been facing Sadness and Loss extensively and it can be real tough to walk through.

I’d like to share my experiences, realizations and the support I’ve been receiving from others and also giving to myself, thus being able to pull myself together from the shocking experiences of loss and extreme sadness to actually realize my mistakes and being able to take responsibility and move towards correction.

The whole drama could have been completely avoidable and got a real taste of what happens if accepting a fear within me instead of effectively dealing with myself, and thus started to manifest what I feared from.

With Desteni Process tools, applying Self-forgiveness and taking full responsibility for everything I experienced or did and did not do, I was able to correct my perceptions and stop manifesting irreversible consequences of my reactions, mistakes, but it certainly was a lesson for life.

Also sharing the unique and exceptional potential within Self-forgiveness as ‘demonstrating’ here the various type of ‘self-support’ I was able to apply towards directly to the difficulties in front of me for assisting and supporting myself to direct practical solution.

In fact, I was not entirely aware of with how and what ‘strategy’ I applied Self-forgiveness at points at hand – I just did, and much later, after days, when I did read back what I wrote throughout the days; and I had to realize that there was actual structure, levels of understanding and a sort of direction.

It’s absolutely mind-blowing to realize that Process works on so many levels with self, that it’s the best tools/skill-set/expression I have ever got introduced to apply and start living. Especially at difficult situations, I see that I am more effective, self-trusting, less dramatic and thus more relaxed in comparison to the person I was ten years ago. Gratefulness!

In short, the story is that I reacted to someone close to me’s action with an unbalanced, emotional, kind of blaming email, although it might had some points to ponder, but how it was written and what was the ‘vibe of it’, the person said this is not cool, good bye and I saw this as final and I fell into a completely petrifying loss and sadness.

The experience of the loss of the person being very close to me was very sudden, I did not expect it, my email(or my intention) in a way was kind of trying to cry out that something is not cool, but was not gentle or really direct and how the other person reacted and behaved I was worried of to be completely final, and as I was already busy with my emotions, on top of that with this fear of loss and sadness, I just fallen into reactions completely. Does not matter for how many years a person walks Self-support or Awareness – one moment of self-dishonesty can be enough to fall completely back – so never get too confident – but to remain humble and diligent!

It was quite shocking and took some time to be able to step out from this experience and put on the responsibility shoes, and this post is the process of that.

So, starting with overall description, then going to various steps towards being able to take responsibility and realizing the potential to change and correct myself.

What was very effective from the start is to realize the importance to keep moving, meaning if I interact, focus to general, every day commitments and responsibilities, I am busy and things need my full attention, such as discussing problem and solution at work, driving through fast traffic or working hard for hours.
Then I do not have much time to be Sad. Thus realizing – in a way – Sadness is a decision, but I did not know that back then.

When things slowed down, or I had my ‘me’ moments, or I stopped after a tiresome day, I kept going back to the ‘sadness’ energetic mind-spiral experience.
Coming home, to do my routine things alone, that was very challenging and the more I fell into sadness, the less I was body-aware – meaning to feel it’s needs, such as hydrating, eating, to handle cold or warm, etc.

Crying was option, but not always really ‘available’ as ‘action’ – just often got wet eyes and my breath became stuttered, although for me this ‘activity’ was never easy. Not as I would willingly cry, but even when most people would consider as relief or as self-expression, due to my extensive self-suppressing personality design from my past, this has always been a differentiating point for me in relation how others might behave.

What happened was a kind of cry in slow-motion but never reaching it’s full open state, so did not give a ‘release’.
By watching some specific TV-series – I was more emotionally reactive and here and there were actual cry for some seconds. For instance Twin peaks – the songs in them – or previously within the Leftovers series – had huge impact on me.

The most significant point is to realize that eventually the sadness and experience of loss will pass and I DECIDE how:

  • I deal with it within absolute self-honesty: to see what lead me here where I am, what I did wrong, why, how can I take responsibility for all of my part and to ensure in next similar situation to prevent what I learned from my mistakes
  • I suppress, distract, justify, blame or even forget and in a way I close down and hope for the best, for that in next similar situation I will do better, but I do not have full understanding, neither self-correction ‘prepared’, and also I will have this event’s memory as a splinter in my mind to always re-associate to worry from as a possible outcome

It was obvious that I choose the first. Especially with the fact that I did the second many times ago already, and I know where it leads: more confusion, doubt and fear, blame and delusion, so no, thanks, not again.

I have the tendency to suppress emotional reactions, to just ‘swallow’ anything of negative emotions and obviously accumulating in the background and thus most of the time I acted like I am totally fine.
I also got suggestion from my DIP PRO online course buddy, to indeed, give into the experience of loss, it’s OK to feel it, but also to remain present, anchored to and within body- and here-awareness. BTW – when walking the course of DIP PRO – one has this seasoned, awesome person to chat with not only about the lessons, the course material, the mind, but in a way it’s personal life-coaching with the starting point of self-honesty and the person is someone who already walked through quite some mind-constructs and delusions, emotional storms, thus basically a person, who walks what talks as well and that is an invaluable support to anyone, I am certain of.

After some time (days) I was able to ‘not go there’ – where sadness and the experience of loss ‘grew’ – but at uncaught moments I still kept ‘returning’, even – and it’s maybe my own specific style – to jump into the full sadness, like to put my head out from the trains window and the wind, sound, everything is like BAAAAAAAA, but in the next moment, back to be here in silence again.

Well, this obviously ‘generated’ some energetic experience, a mood, a tension, an emotion, what was not ‘thought’ anymore, but through this a kind of sadness, depression and crappy experience flew through me.

What I have realized that ‘I have to go there’ – when I am present, directive, ‘not sad’ but empty and be able to apply self-honesty, self-forgiveness.

It’s OK to be empty after loss – as feeling an aspect of self is gone, so to be with that emptiness with myself – it’s very profound yet calm expression.
Then to go into the experience again, but with direction to ‘clean house’.

It was still difficult to bring it up directly, basically to ‘walk into hell’ – but to do it with Self-forgiveness it is kind of quantitative self-liberation, to forgive each and every single point I encounter within myself as taking responsibility for all I feel, experience and also for all I did, and to see where to I progress, process and move, to dig deeper, to get to the origin/source point of my feel of loss and sadness, what circumstances and actions lead me here where I am now.

Within walking it, faced some blame as well, but I unconditionally forgive myself for whatever I experience and I keep doing it until I know and understand everything, all written here in front of me and I am empty, and be able to see all yet not react, nothing.
Blame is an obvious indication of self-disempowerment, cowardice and hiding behind energetic experiences, justified with self-dishonesty, thus it’s actually cool: whenever it pops up – then I must forgive each aspect of it.

I did write several days(after work, in the morning) about this, and each day I accumulated self-direction and became more and more ‘comfortable’ to face the sadness, the loss, my mistakes, my shame and regret with more and more clarity of what I should not do again in order prepare, support and direct myself to avoid making the same mistakes, what I realized that lead to the experience of losing the person from my perception, words, and action’s perspective.

And that’s all I can do, really – I can’t change what has happened, how the other would feel, see or react to me – that’s DONE.

It’s a profound realization, tough one. Manifested consequences remain. Period. Better to prevent unwanted things, seriously. Should be a lesson for all, some things cannot be changed. Ever. Yet do not fall into the self-mind-trickery of being dragged down it’s own self-created seriousness. That’s to forgive for myself. To give to myself a chance. To really change. Does not mean not to take seriously, but not with another layer of emotional swamp, but practicality and effective self-direction.

To let that heaviness to go, all I can do is to release and change, as is not my power, responsibility or consideration from the point of how the other will decide to experience, say or act.

Maybe will never speak with me again, maybe will, I really wished for the second- but within self-responsibility moment, does not matter, I walk self-forgiveness, anything comes up, unconditionally I apply: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, because of our relationship has ended, because of my emotional instability and fear of loss, blame, lack of considering the other.

The actual story in short: In a way, I was realizing that it’s not the same as was, my experience was that our bond was fading and after some attempts to communicate about it, I just felt powerless for a moment and I reacted with fear, which then caused the other to just let it all go including me. There were another dimensions also, but from this perspective, that’s it. Well, this was not final, and we could still ‘save us’ as we did meet and agreed to continue our relationship, but I did not know that back then, so I just reacted big time.

I am going to share (in the next post) some of the first Self-forgiveness sentences I wrote to start supporting myself, and it’s also noticeable that in the beginning it still might ‘contain’ reference to other, in a somewhat hidden blame or justification and my responsibility taking might not start with absolute self-honesty.
It’s OK, usually I do not share such things, but this is here a ‘process’ I share and this is how I perceived in-between the emotional reactions.

It’s a process, so sharing here as example of ‘refinement’, especially when someone is in big emotional instability, rather just start and move, thrive for be absolutely self-honest, but sometimes where is my ‘location’ (in terms of self-honesty) is still within influences of mind-constructs of fear, blame and it’s core, source is maybe deeper in my mind, thus I have to ‘dig myself further’ with self-forgiveness, through the layers of justifications and blame, excuses and fear to being able to absolutely taking responsibility for all I can.

It also can be OK not to apply self-forgiveness ‘perfectly’ at first, in the sense of still allowing some ‘mind-tentacles’ to refer others, focusing to surface of the experiences, events, etc – nobody is professional in this, including myself, after a decade, when being in reaction – this is a proof here – basically I had to start Process from scratch.

What I mean ‘not perfectly’, well, not deliberately, obviously, just I know from my own experiences that I can go into ‘self-judgmental mode’ – and when I start doing/applying something and seeing it is not perfect, to just shut it down and say ‘not good enough’ – and sacrificing opportunity to grow and learn on the altar of an idea.

Maybe it’s part of the self-healing process to admit that, yes, I blame, I am angry, I am furious, I am disappointed, although it is equally important to realize that these are self-sabotage patterns, so never to stop and accept to remain there, as these are indications of self-dis-empowerment and actually delusions to self-correct. It does not necessarily mean that I am always the one who did wrong only in general – but it’s to ensure that I never jump onto the blame-wagon ever, as that is not self-correction.

Not in my case, but can occur that someone was really nasty and evil-ish and my conclusion should be by practical common sense to avoid the another person, but still: my reactions are my responsibilities. Hate is quite a havoc on my own body to expose it for that energetic experience – never worth it. So better to forgive myself and let it go and focus to what’s next.
Well, in my case – usually and here again – was self-judgement and anger towards myself on why I could not hold or just again ‘suppress’ my emotional instability, but I had to forgive for myself to be able to look beyond and focus to actual solutions with myself and the communication with other as well.

Just noting it as when reading other’s self-honesty and self-forgiveness blog, never compare it with how you feel or observe yourself doing as everyone’s process is different.
What’s extremely important still is to constantly push the limits of myself and see if I am absolutely self-honest, and how can I find practical solutions for changing the situation within me, in reality to a solution, which is best for all participants.

I will continue in the next post as realized this is getting quite long.

Take care and breathe, slow down within and embrace the pure essence of what you feel and realize: it’s OK to spend time with yourself and just breathe again, to observe, not judge, take time and you can see: sadness and feeling down is not that powerful, only when you start to follow thoughts, emotions – indicating that you want to give in, maybe as a self-punishment by regret or shame or fear of unknown or change – once you name it, can be more obvious on how to move forward.

Day 341 – A moment of doubt vs Facts

IMG_9494Stabilizing within Self-forgiveness.

Continuing from yesterday’s blog.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to fall into fear of loss and doubt experience and started to judge myself as ‘I did not do all what I could for what I committed myself to accumulate’ and within that believing that if I doubt, fear – that obviously means that I did not do everything I could, all I did was not good enough and not real, thus it’s no question that my experience of ‘fear and doubt’ is right and true, thus my judgement of myself is righteous, the justification for my fear, doubt and worry to accept is righteous, thus I give into the instability and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if there is someone who I value very much, I perceive that judges, doubts or misunderstands me, that must be automatically true, thus start fearing and worrying, assuming and doubting myself without cross-referencing, looking, seeing and understanding facts.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to value and trust my action, self-honesty, consistency and commitment, direction and movement but actually trust my doubt, fear more than facts, reality and practical common sense.

Writing this very sentence down right now to see this pattern in front of me for the first time in my life – is invaluable. (The first Self-forgiveness statement)

I am grateful to be able to see this point. Never this clearly before. This is why I not just write my blog at home under the bed, but SHARING it, as this process is effective.

Facing self, points, reactions, fears, understanding the patterns I and my mind and body constitute as one and equal to be able to stop participating within self-dishonesty is the very essence of the Process of Self-honesty, referred as Journey to Life. From Consciousness system to Living Awareness.

Continuing with the actual pattern: It’s like how polarity works – specifically positive thinking. It’s just one tiny, singular miss-step, one moment of a thought self-defined as negative is enough to infest my whole positivity and fall into it – thus proving the whole thing to be just a façade, a mirage. My relationship with the point yes, but in terms of accumulated consequences? Not necessarily!

It’s like the whole Process of finding out and start living as Self-honest, first at moments, then more moments, and then to be able to move and interact like that, to correct in real time, and then if I make mistake, or even I feel I have failed, fallen, I go back to the basics and write more, apply more self-forgiveness, understand further and specify, not only with writing, but sounding, to resonate the voice, to hear if there is any doubt, reaction, association, to look there too, to clarify, further specify and cross-reference until to the utmost specificity and see all clearly.

And even if one walks this process since years, can be ‘fucked up’ for a moment, or even for an hour – but then – the whole process already walked is not disappearing, oh no!

I re-align, I ground myself back here and I continue walking, no matter what, who I am is not a choice, or if it is, I am still figuring out what it means, what are the potentials, of who I can be, thus it’s actually never done, but expanding day by day, moment by moment. Thus never allow a fear or doubt to make you believe that can invalidate true commitment, real dedication to become principled with all life!

In relation to my doubt and fear – I know that I have been pushing a point since months consistently, every single day, not literally sure that I did ALL I could do as there could not have been done BETTER – but who I was every day, according to that, I pushed myself to the limits.
Thus, to doubt myself, or to anyone doubt me within the actual application is actually irrelevant – yet if I can be fallen into worry, fear based on anyone’s opinion – then it’s my doubt within myself and nothing to do with anyone else but self here.

‘Irrelevant’ maybe not in totality if the person is relevant in my life, but in terms of giving into doubt and fear – completely.

It still can be that my actual communication, interaction, sharing can be adjusted, aligned, improved – yet I have to be able to see what is good, what is not, and there is no such thing that ‘all of myself, altogether is full of shit’ – specify, document, cross-reference everything and practical understanding prevails.

If I look into myself, I directly see, understand and realize that I had no singular doubt, except that day I have explained in my previous blog, and within that point and emotional reaction’s nature, I also revealed that it was not really a single doubt, but a consequence of energetic reactions, somewhat related to my actions, yet it’s not related to my commitment, action and direction.

The doubt was also partly of the extent of ‘leap of faith’ – ‘vulnerability’ and facing Unknown – and how else could I fear the Unknown, as I have already some idea and imagination about it? Thus it’s not real, the doubt is not valid. Thus I saw that point, I re-align and I move forward. I should not judge myself, a child when learns walking or talking, also does not give up, does and does and does until it’s done, fact, here.

Thus I recognize that I should trust action and facts, movement and direction, and even if for a moment I allow myself to be mesmerized by ANY fear – I shall look facts, action and direction, focus to movement and realize that if I invalidate all I have already done by any kind of fear, then I should not judge the whole being of myself and all what I have done, as if I follow the spiral of emotion, the energy, the storm, the instability, uncertainty, sadness and doubt – but to immediately ANCHOR myself back to the physical and be the EYE of the storm and to see what directly feeds this fear point, and my relationship with it.

Instead of looking of the effects, the storm, the energy, the e-motion – to look the trigger point, the judgement, the mental relationship I feed with thoughts, feelings and emotions and to see how it’s been created – how I am creating and how to STOP it; to see what to do to prevent it, so that next time it would arise – I don’t participate, thus the storm does not inflate as I let it go, I forgive, I change, I re-align and focus to practical common sense and action.

I have the tendency to connect, to share, the need for living response-ability – but first and foremost it’s within and in relation to self here.

As to create Heaven on Earth starts with self here – Everyone is so confused and doubtful about how to make Earth a better place – it’s so damn simple but no one is looking, walking, living it, because the actual Hell we can clean up is within and as SELF, which is at the limit or even beyond of our ability to direct, because of how we give this permission to the mind every single day.

Any thought of doubt, fear, worry, judgement, anger or hate, desire or disgust – hope or despair – if it’s in the mind, if it makes me feel moods and ups and downs – it’s EGO – the MIND, and there are techniques to understand and be able to deal with it. Anyone can do it, even a child or a very-very old person as well. It’s not technological, not spiritual, not religious, it’s common sense – and based on the most powerful mathematical equation – 1+1 = 2.

Accumulation – that’s Give as you would like to receive – consistent application is the key, with self-change as well.

And be aware that even for a moment you start to question and doubt yourself, as it’s the EGO’s nature to trick and con – look at the facts, the action you have done, the accumulation, the structure, the plan, the reality-awareness, thus can’t get caught with the temptation of energetic storms to blow you around, like a kite in the wind.

Anyone can judge you, usually it’s yourself who judges self the most, but when someone else does – still should not fall into the doubt, unless the accusation is valid.

I used to think – if anyone doubts me or says something about me, it must be true, thus I just went into self-introspection, self-worry, self-doubt mode – and it’s better indeed to check what the other person refers as might be true. But until I do not actually see with practical common sense, there is no place for doubt.

And if there is ‘room for improvement’, as the other indicated – it’s awesome, gratefulness, as now I am more aware than I was, thus it’s supportive.

Just I have to be really-really self-honest in this – to not just say to myself ‘ah, what the other said to me/about me is just bullshit, I am so cool, no way’ – and then usually there is justification: ‘because blah blah’ – so then I use that justification to seal my denial of the information I got – AFTER I rejected it, AFTER I reacted to it. Not self-honest!

Thus – I stand here, no doubt, no fear – still aligned, still in direction – and anyone judges me or doubts me – that can be about the person as well actually, but better to be aware of what’s going on within myself all the time. And the more I am aware of what I participate within, how I do, what I do – the less ‘time’ I need to ‘check’ if what the other says is true or not – yet never get to the point of automatically reject anything or get overconfident, but to stay humble and grateful.

For instance at university somehow it was a habit among my friends to say ‘you son of a bitch’ – just in my native language its more insulting, as the literal translation is ‘your mother is a whore’ – yet when I was told to – I felt really insulted and got really angry, and then I realized – My mother is not a whore, and even if she would be, which is not the case, why would I be automatically triggered to lose my temper and head? Does not make sense. Still obviously mirrors the other’s lack of respect and ability for compassion and decency, that’s al-right. Yet it’s not if I lose myself into an emotional storm, whenever anyone says such.

Another example: I have been participating within some job interviews – and there was rejection, not one, not two – and I also had the ‘choice’ to decide – if I feel bad or not – and if I look back – I see what I have already walked in terms of my profession – thus did not ‘break me down’ – yet, also realized that there is place for improvement, thus I should focus to that and move forward. Naturally. So that’s more practical, instead of fall into the despair and doubt, to focus to reality – where I came from, what I have done, how I have done it, and what I am going to do next and how. Simple. Always. If not, then that’s the ego, the mind, the manifested systematic reflection of accumulated self-dishonesty of mine just mirroring me who I accept myself to be. Until I stand up and stop and actually change.

So, sharing this process, this blog, is also not just statements to the world, anyone and everyone is welcome to give feedback, even telling me I am just wrong, and thus I can also check and learn!
Anyone can conclude based on misunderstanding, even myself – and if I realize it, I correct my statement, myself and live according to that realization.

In a way, that is why difficult to change for many people who are so infused into some belief-systems, religion, spirituality, or any kind of conviction – especially if there are human relationships, or even money involved – to admit that I have been wrong for two – three – six decades might not be easy – as I have had with my spiritual beliefs, buddhism and many more convictions already. I do not need anything but to become honest with myself in each moment equally – and for that to decompose the patterns my mind constitutes – words – energetic experiences, relationships – this process works.

Anyone states ‘It’s not my type of thing, or style – fine – I never even considered if this is my style ever – I just do as it works’. Just be sure not to listen to excuse and justification.

If anyone could show me that there is a better way than writing and applying self-forgiveness in written, said aloud and lived in action to become more aware and to support actual change – I am open – but I am aware of that this works, this blog is my movement, since 2008 – all I shared stands here as proof of what I have walked and the direction I am keep walking.

So that’s about it for today and thank you very much for being here today!

Links to understand more and support to grow:

Day 340 – Emotions and Self-honesty

IMG_0898After yesterdays blog, I might have opened up Pandora’s box within myself as today I was quite emotional. (Well, before yesterday)

It’s rare thing for me, most of my life I’ve lived with perfecting suppressing emotions, but I am actually stopping as proven to be not the best approach(obviously), which might mean I do find myself within reactions.

I start with clarifying – within DIP online courses emotions are the negative-related energetic experiences, such as fear, worry, jealousy, hate, sadness, etc, while feelings are the positive ones, such as happy, excitement, etc.

Neither of them is bad or good, they are simply put: tools for expression. The self-dishonesty about these is that when they come and go ‘automatically’ and I am the puppet, when I am actually giving permission to get emotional, angry, sad, ‘fall into love’ or become obsessed with happy feelings, etc.

The practical approach within learning on how to LIVE words directly(instead of being influenced, stimulated by) is to redefine my relationship and meanings in relation to self-honesty and considerations of all participants of my reality here. Example: Instead of wanting to experience joy, I answer the question of ‘How can I Live Enjoyment?’.

Thus, it is Self-movement I live, not going through experiences and reacting, bouncing, conflicting through.

So, my commitment to stop suppressing emotions is about to break the following habit:

  • I experience/see/think of something what I have judgement about, somewhat memory, association, personal involvement.
  • I react with the judgement, I feel a certain energetic experience
  • I recognize that I am moving away from ‘center’ as this emotion would start to overwhelm me
  • I suppress the emotion, just ‘swallow it’, ‘push it down’ with a single inner movement, saying ‘go away’
  • I am here, clear, kind of logical, focused, stable again

This can happen quite automatically, part of my personality, in fact pretty fast, if I am not present and aware, I do not even notice that I am doing it.

There are various layers of why this became ‘normal’ for me – but mostly because I recognized that I am quite impaired and limited, less effective and compromised to apply logic and common sense when I am overwhelmed with emotions related to fear.
Kind of a weakness as I have defined it, thus better to spend time within this kind of states the least possible.

So instead of facing the fear, understanding it’s reality-related connection, I just want it to go away, instead of solving it’s origin.

Within my ‘culture’ – also to be a ‘man’ – means not to get ‘soft’ but strong, rigid and solid all the time, and with emotions I felt more vulnerable, unpredictable and unstable, so pretty early I decided not to spend too much time within emotional states, thus suppression, as ‘swallowing’ the reaction, suffering, doubt and fear became my second nature.

What I have not realized, seen and understood before, is that each and every emotion suppressed is not going anywhere, but stays with me, accumulates and creates layers, blocks and another level of automatic personality behaviour within me, and the top of that, once reached some kind of limit, I just can’t hold it anymore, kind of exerting it out, without any direction, control or power over it, regardless of situation, company or consideration. And that is quite a problem.

So, that’s why I am walking DIP PRO course, writing this blog, applying self-forgiveness, to understand myself more and prevent suppressing, but solving problems, so no need to judge, react, go into inner thinking mode – as whenever I do so – I am not acting, because of doubt, fear, confusion, resistance, and when I do not act and move in reality, I internalize, I suppress, and that is a sign of facing a point and remaining within self-dishonesty.

Thus the responsibility point presents itself what I take and work with. The DIP course is invaluable within supporting and I have changed so much in the last couple of years and this blog and overall expansion and stability of mine is in a way already a living proof, yet it’s still a process, thus I keep walking the course and this blog as well.

Within the last years, especially since ended my last, quite hectic and conflicting partnership some years ago, these emotional states became less intense, I must say I was and am much-much more stable and present.

Within the current partnership I am, since quite some months, I am having experiences I never had before, more direct enjoyment, trust, sharing and opening up with myself and ‘my’ lady, and more and more I push myself to become vulnerable, feel more, let go of fear and distrust and be completely open. It is great and eternally grateful I am as step by step learning to live without doubt and fear, sometimes still stumbling but in overall this process is good.

So, in a nutshell, this is in relation to suppressing my emotions and years of walking this process allows me to trust, even when something not so comfortable or nice experience comes, as more and more I have a direct reference of how it is when I am physically here, and that becomes my foundation, where to I return from the storms my self-conditioned mind still sometimes creates.

Today was another of these storms I see now, and in a way I created it, but also it was flooding me at the same time.

The recent experiences I am going through also added to it and accumulated me to intensify certain emotions, which are uncertainty and sadness, loneliness and sorrow.

The main triggering point was that I have finished watching – well, through the last days, today ‘The Leftovers’ TV series. Without spoiling, it is a great show, if someone is interested in the deeper psychology of people, who had great traumas and those still influencing their lives to the point of very sad and insane moments from time to time.
The initial interest in it was not this topic for me, but ‘writer of Lost’ and ‘mystery’ and quality in overall, but through the seasons I found this profound value of the characters change and interaction.

The rhythm, the balance; the artistic expression combined with the great actors performance, the exceptional music – it was very emotional, – within each episode, well composed to have these peak moments, when I just had these tearful moments until the end of the whole season and closure, when I reached this total emptiness and sadness, sorrow and what I associated with it is the reality of each human individual’s constant and consistent exposure to traumatic experiences throughout our entire lives and how much that influences, compromises us, humans to do what could be best for all.

I had very busy months behind, each day, committed to do specific things and that gave me purpose, and looks like my commitment and consistent application soon fruits it’s result in the planned way, however today I was at the point of nothing more to do, yet the outcome is not yet fully manifested, and thus all of a sudden I feel empty, nothing moves me, but I also do not move either.

I know I should, also that I will, but what came was that I want to be in this emptiness, to see what’s still within the depths of me to face who I was, to embrace, to let go and focus to move on.

What did not happen with me since maybe a decade, I skipped hydrating today, usually I am drinking liters of water, and I was not hungry. Thus, I recognized that I am not in sync with my physical, so I fried a pre-made pizza, I ate, still was not hungry, but once started eating, I started to ‘come down’ with this emotional state.

Also chatted with my lady, did not want to share how I feel but we have trust and care, so decided to just concisely express myself and within writing it was another step assisting and supporting to see and recognize what I am experiencing and then become aware of how I have moved today with this whole time line of becoming emotional and started to step out of it. After drinking almost a litre water and still feeling thirsty, I finally recognized that I was kind of ‘out’ for a while and actually supporting my body, then resting more brought back and I was/am able to continue with more present, self-directive and considerate daily living.

I even could relate to some lsd acid trips, it was in a way similar experience, but not in the sense of effects, but the inner storm, ‘death’ and silence and exponentially(first slowly, then more and more directly) awakening.

In overall, I would say this was a long time emotion suppressing reaching it’s threshold to be triggered to need to be discharged and kind of exerting.

What was actually cool about it that I had no doubt that I get to stabilize soon, was no fear or even shame this time, and within crying I felt relief. Well, it was not actual sobbing, like I had in 2014 when after all struggles my ex girlfriend told me she would leave, then I was really crying for about a minute and then I was clear again.

This time was just crying, kind of submitting into the watched drama’s roller coaster, yet it was supporting in a way.

What I see here in this all as I could have done ‘better’ and will do in any case of similar ‘next time’ to anchor myself more to presence, to apply forgiveness WITHIN the storm, to accelerate self-stabilization.

Also I was not entirely certain to share it with my partner, as did not want to seem unstable or sad, but we are both very busy nowadays thus did not communicate much, so I felt better to share than to just stay quiet.

Let’s walk self-forgiveness to open up additional points towards practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress emotional experiences with which I can’t deal, control or stop influencing me to become unstable, and never realizing that suppressing means accumulating.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that with what I don’t learn to deal with in self-honesty, will keep controlling me and my life until I stand up and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself of what were the actual points, judgements and reactions I kept suppressing recently and thus accumulating to the point of exerting in a way what manifested in being moody, sad and worried and thus not being able to see what I participate within, or even prevent stepping into.

I forgive myself that I have not assisted and supported myself in the exact moment of ANY judgement, reaction or emotion I would manifest within myself with slowing down, re-aligning with physical presence and to be able to look at the point I am about to react to and suppress by believing that I can’t or do not have to deal with this right now, but will do later, or even thinking ‘I hope this will be solved, or my observation and suspicion would turn out to be not true’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see the points with what I started to ‘have a relationship with’ as assumption, observation, belief and worry and first of all not solve it within myself, or if it is about to communicate with the person I am experiencing it relation to and I am clear on that I should engage communication with, then to do it in a way what is clear, concise and supportive for finding solution and agreement.

I will continue walking these points…

Day 339 – Energy: Admitting facts for Self-Change

webContinuing with the energy craving mentality decomposition

Its a great opportunity as at the moment getting really tired and this is when usually can this mentality be noticed.
It’s when I want to experience intensity, sense of movement, energetic experiences, excitement, tension and in overall kind of a ‘high’. Well, it’s not self-expression, as it is to compensate, to distract and actually entertain and self-stimulate, in a way simulate living, which I do not do and accepting myself not living with the mesmerizing energetic experiences I keep re-creating. Thus let’s change it!

I directly apply Self-forgiveness on upcoming points. At times I still see that I have conflict within, thus need to continue with the understanding.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in relation to the energy craving mentality within my mind, which is almost literally ‘can attack’ when I am in doubt that I did not do all I could for the day or when I feel that I am feeling tired, but I feel that I should do more today.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s not about ‘today’ what I did – as obviously if I make ‘today’ longer, then ‘tomorrow’ must become shorter as I can’t cheat time, and meaning I try to use the unit of time to compensate with the already obvious, yet not self-admitted realization that I feel as I did not do all I could, but I want to, I should to and in a way I also would do, yet feeling tired, exhausted, thus I want to feel energetic, thus I should feel the need to stimulate myself to literally ‘generate’ energy within my mind by specific patterns to participate within just to feel the day longer and within that not realizing that the fear, as it’s source is actually in the center of it all, which actually sabotages direct and effective application for the things I fear not progressing with.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a mind-trick I apply with myself all the time, which is that I slice up time and creating ‘progressing’ moments and ‘let go’ or ‘give in’ moments and within this system I am not in direction and it’s basically similar construct to the spiritual/divine moments which then prioritizes moments, and when participating within the ‘not focused, self-directive’ moments, at the same time accumulating frustration and inner conflict of ‘not doing enough’, which then wanting to compensate once it’s reached a threshold, or the end of the day is coming at night, when being tired and sleepy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not realizing the practical common sense and the direct solution to my re-creational self-sabotaging frustration and feeling of ‘not doing enough’ experiences, which is to not give in to the ‘give up’ moments to participate, and not create judgements, frustrations in the first place, yet to be honest with myself within self-direction to see what are my needs and wants within absolute, brutal self-honesty, and if I would see needing entertainment for example, just give it to myself within my own direction, not as ‘give into’ by suppression, desire and fear of missing out, then falling into it and then losing discipline and direction.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the simple solution for my energy addiction is to be honest with myself of what I want or need, desire or strive for and then to check each and every single one of these with common sense and to see which is supportive, which I can ‘afford’ in terms of prioritizing my time and resources, effort and participation and then if it’s applicable, to ‘give’ it to myself, or if its not supportive/doable at the moment, then to decide to postpone – or if it’s not supportive at all or doable, then to let it go, forgive and focus on directly working to really let it go actively until I am clear, here, present without temptation or desire, suppression or fear(of missing out).
  • Basically be practical and structured, organized and considerate.

There are not many ‘things’ what I can fall into with suppression but in overall the reason is a self-identification, self-perfection-related self-image superimposed to who I am currently – thus there is a ‘rift’ between actual and with what I deal through my mind of myself.

Sounds creepy, although it’s a typical human thing, to not clearly see who we exactly are, but with some pink or even grey glasses so to speak, so the first step is to see actual facts and thus becoming able to work with those to align and unify all of self here through decomposing and forgiving, re-defining and re-aligning the words with I perceive, experience, express and live in the physical.

For instance if I look at honestly – I can judge myself on ‘watching TV series‘ – it can take a lot of time, it’s just entertainment, while sometimes I can do other things, but if it’s interesting I just watch – and if not interesting, I do not watch actually, so it’s time consuming – if my priorities do not progress as should, I can feel ‘uncool’ about it.

Justifications and excuses also can and should be investigated and dealt with – such as ‘I had hard working day, let’s relax’, ‘I am too tired to do anything constructive’ or ‘It’s so interesting story, relates to my life’, ‘Just one episode, or while I eat, or do this or that’…etc – it’s OK to do do it, but if I feel not good about it – I create problem within about it. And if I just let it go and ‘give in’ – and just watch without worry of other things do not progress because of this – then I might feel bad about those anyway – so no escape from self actually, not for long anyway…thus better to get clear on this…

Well, its often so subtle – ‘uncool’ – see, not as ‘bad’ – just not so cool – as there is suppression – I have this judgement, negative emotion, instant suppression – all in a split second – and then I am ‘clear’ – but it happened, it accumulates somewhere and doing it enough times and it grows to the point of not so suppressed, but as an issue.
Then all of the tiny emotional suppression altogether stand up and say HELLO – and then I can’t ignore it, well, I can’t even do anything else as I just feel that I have this tidal wave awakening within me and I have to deal with it, and man, that’s tiresome and time consuming – and then I am exhausted, spent time with: not with priority, and then dealing with my inner waves, and the (to)day comes to it’s end and I am tired, yet did not progress with things as I wanted to, and that’s the point and inner conflict of what I write about to recognize, decompose, forgive and prevent.

I mean, when hearing stories about ‘extremely effective/successful men and their actions in the world’ – they might have had similar problems but could overcome and become one whole expression to do what they committed to do, thus become very effective with – it’s not impossible, just needs structure, self-honesty, motivation, direction and self-supporting tools and apply it, one step at a time to become unified within to be able to do what one really wants. Would I also want to become this ‘very effective/successful? I do not accept self-limitations and committed to find out my utmost potential, which means to keep exploring, understanding, growing!

Well, as I mentioned, the only way is to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get into the specific details to the utmost. Here meaning of what exact topics, points I judge myself as wanting to be different than I am actually – or within that want, actually seeing myself differently as I am – here the ‘fake it until make it’ does not work, thus better to change directly than to pretend, and it starts with admitting flaws, dishonesty, mistakes.

Just a short story – my father had drinking problems and later mental health issues too – but he kept avoiding to admit these, so he was ignoring facts until grew up on him to the extent of literally losing himself and his life with the overwhelming experiences of the accumulated things he never took responsibility for.

Thus, to admit problems – is although difficult, uncomfortable, can be even shameful for a moment, yes, but necessary to align with reality, and in fact can assist and support to realize the extent of self-dishonesty and self-compromise I allow myself to live within, and thus to really decide and stand up to change.

And ‘watching series‘ is just one example – although the things I experience are complex, as can relate to to my human interpersonal relationships, difficulties to be dealt with in family, at work, career, daily things, sexual desire or suppression, bully, any doubt, distrust, to see how the world is and face sadness, shame, or in overall questioning direction of my life, or financial, money points to face – each to deal with, while not get exhausted, overwhelmed, thus to balance it out with staying healthy, effective and growing, live with enjoyment, enthusiasm and innocent yet responsible and be open and able to share insights, support – it’s an art, but the key to it all is to learn and live being honest with myself, as if this one point I ever miss, then I actually can miss ‘myself’ within it all, which then start manifesting ‘glitches’, ‘reactions’, ‘frustrations’, ‘self-judgement’, ‘frustrations’, then manifesting worries, fears, then desires, etc…

One breath at a time to walk through points – and although there are many dimensions, take one thread, which bothers the most, and walk it through – and probably open another dimensions, insights, but I keep disciplined on walking this through – and if necessary, I hold this point – and clear out another what is necessary, and once that is clear, I understand myself on why and how I do what is not supportive, then I forgive, and move on with the initial point. Sounds simple. That’s why writing is key – not just thinking through, but to walk a point, word by word, the thread of Ariadne – of sanity, self-honesty and self-direction is writing here to see the patterns as I unfold with being honest with myself until all the maze of my consciousness is mapped and I see the pattern, the way in and out and I change the maze to be direct and simple, yet supporting and effective.

So, one step ‘closer’ to see directly the patterns with I create these energy craving spirals within what are getting more and more rare, less and less intense, but still way to understand, decompose, forgive and prevent myself participating, and it also entails on how to live what I not yet, but I could and actually wanting to.

AWESOME support on this and another topics at EQAFEhttps://eqafe.com/

Day 338 – Energy craving – darkness within

IMG_3378While I am expanding, growing and exploring what it means to really live, I have some areas within I experience resistance from within.

What’s behind that is actual lack of skills and energetic resistances to do things to move forward, and for an aspect of me, who accepts, identifies self with safety, stability and predictability to be able to specifically distract, stimulate, ‘bridge’ through the perceived ‘difficulties’ with these feelings, energetic reactions – I must have to be aware of the triggering points for these energetic resistances – and the difficulty arises from not being honest about them(myself), thus accepting them as ‘with me, as me’, because not seeing the real self-sabotage manifesting here.

Thus to be brutally self-honest is supportive here. Brutality: meaning no mercy to sugar-coat of what I see I participate within, yet nothing judgmental or emotional charge is necessary – that I refer as radical – there is no middle ground on this: am I self-honest with myself, or I am not, in this moment, here.

That is all where I can apply unlimited, uninhibited, unrestricted responsibility, power and direction. Here, in relation to self, in this moment. Everything else is mind-construct in a way, when I move, direct and express.

And that movement – or lack of it – will manifest consequences accordingly.

Now I see that many of my mind/personality patterns are just like cute colorful tiny fishes swimming around but in the deep cold and dark – there are these total self-consuming energetic addictions, what are pulling the strings, to just cover away that I resist to face mistakes, or cause consequences, fear of not being a nice guy, good enough, liked, etc. – but once I’d name those – I can actually be able to deal with of them each – so in a way also an unconscious resistance to become able to change – not wanting to give up what I perceive currently as somewhat valuable/comfortable/predictable/stable.

Actually everything is very simple and if I get complicated, it’s a system, which I somewhat deliberately ‘summon’ to hide behind, use as excuse, so to break it down, decompose, debug and name the game is the common sense.

Darkness here I refer to as being consumed by self-interest. Let me clarify: worry and hypnotic petrification by fear of loss or fear of change: if I really look at it within myself – it’s also self-interest.

It’s also about practical common sense, for instance when I see a tiny child being afraid and crying and confused and obviously suffers – is that her/his responsibility – or the parent’s, others all around living in such a system what manifests lack of care, respect and compassion?

As the child grows ‘upwards’ – when is the ‘point’ from where the becomes responsible, thus parents/system/world/society/school/politics/religions/etc should not be the one to ‘blame’?

I had my own ‘shit gets real’ moment when I put my hand to my great-grandfather cold and dead body, laying on the table. Parents tried not to allow this to happen, but actually it was supportive – I have realized an important limit, thus I started to consider what to do with my life, well, before I end up dead as well.

For me that was the point when I realized I am really growing up, when I started to apply Self-forgiveness in 2008 and saw that until I do not take responsibility for EVERYTHING in my life and reality – I open gates for justification, blame and projection of responsibility, thus power. The art and challenge then is to balance it on daily living.

Nuclear reactor melts down 8000 miles away to the ocean – I am responsible, okay, I take it, I own it, how is it now then? One must be practical, direct with what’s here. Yet, constantly and consistently testing one’s limits within influence and expression to ensure that I am not stopping with any excuse to grow with responsibility. Maybe one day I will have influence on nuclear plants too, why should I exclude it automatically – yet why would I make myself worried to the point of becoming unbalanced and distracted from what is directly here, of what I can actually do in this moment today?

If I look at it – happiness I stopped seeking long time ago, I am happy, I am sad, what does it mean? I am being triggered by the pre-defined value system animating me automatically. Who created it, who can change it?

Just noticed that in many, kind of tricky ways I can have tendency to ‘work with energy’ in my mind.

Clarification: energy is not bad – but my relationship to it can influence, define, even control me, but in overall: it is all on me.

So what I realized in this morning, is the tendency to want to accumulate energy, then store it, keep it, keep circulating it, because that can stimulate me to certain reactions, what then stimulate me to feel, behave, ‘live’ in a certain way.

What I am making up with the energy is the lack of self-confidence, self-direction, self-responsibility actually, with a belief that with the indirect relationship, interaction with thoughts, feelings, emotions, energetic experiences are the way to make me interact with myself and the world.

But what I do not see, realize and understand in those moments that each and every single of those energetic movements, feels, reactions have it’s own self-dishonest point accepted and allowed within, and these accumulate, and I not just accept it as part of me, but also can become uncomfortable when doing things not the way that these reactions, feelings, thoughts and emotions are being triggered, experienced.
The uncomfortability comes from the unknown, the vulnerability of that I am exposed as a being, directly to reality, no sugar-coating, no past-defined excuses and justifications, no automatic positive stimulation.

Many can reach this kind of awareness – as my father I think also did, but he became bitter, sarcastic as he realized, we can’t do anything, can die on any day. But he saw the system outside and did not realize that he saw it with the filter of the system he created and accepted, participated within every day, what made him see reality as bad. It isnt bad – it is not just at the moment as the consequence, sins of fathers and the lack of real awareness of all equal as life force on physical level.

Many people just deny and laugh at ‘equality’ – as they think it means everything is the same and no individual expression. Equality can be a point to understand the common denominator among all, not for fake bubble of feeling blissful or loving, but as practical common sense.

First and foremost I am always equal with what I experience, what I feel, what I am situated within. If I would not be, how could I experience it? With sensors? Somewhere has to be a limit, a distinct separation, right, otherwise all the self-defined excuses of not seeing the world as SELF, MY-self here might be difficult to self-pursuade. Then it’s more difficult to see when I am not living to my utmost potentials.

That’s why pushing these points is relevant, every day. What other reason we exist? Feeling good, then die? To expand, grow, and support the children who come as innocence. As ourselves. Obviously. Not because of feeling of love, rather, because I can – if I could be any (kind of) god – who I would be? How can I live that in this live.

I know, it’s sensitive topic, religious people, god’s mysterious ways, god talks to people they feel, they feel they do things in the name of (their) god, or they are servant or directly hand of that god.

Ten years ago I committed myself to stop any separation within – thus if there is god, the only chance it gets is who I can live as godly as possible. That starts with responsibility, with what’s here and usually – well, all the time – for me, it is myself who is here – always. Thus that is my direct power – how can I take responsibility for myself here, to ensure that any thought, word and deed I accumulate is aligned with the best version of me could ever live.

Yesterday I was pondering about arrogance – how one can be more arrogant than identifying oneself with the quality of a god? Why not? Words are building blocks of reality, and thus I re-define what it means to live them to ensure not to compromise self-honesty.
I used to have a huge problem with words, found them to be ambiguous, uncertain and distracting – and it turned out to be that I was the one of ambiguity, uncertainty and distracted, words are just tools.

So I re-define all the words I experience and express – energy, conflict, struggle or even god – and starting with self-purification as removal of fear- and separation-based definitions, automatic reactions, etc and then I re-define with principle to support all life, including myself within self-honesty, without polarity, without energy.

It’s a good start, and then I see what’s stopping me to live directly like this – what are the upcoming resistances, fears, desires, e-n-e-r-g-y craving.

Energy – or the lack of it – it’s that I am tired, not charged enough to be able to function the way I like – so then I look at what aspects, inner movements, back chat, feelings and emotions I want, I miss, I like and need to experience in order to feel whole, ‘good’.

It’s something to investigate, for sure.

One more point before closing down this ‘opening up, preparation to self-forgive’ session:

Energized – automatically animated, as it feels like there is intensity, amount, velocity, movement, charge, tension, force – actually makes me feel more than I simply am in the flesh, and if I am not honouring, trusting myself responsibly, then this energy experience can seem appealing, not just entertaining, but completely obsessed I can become with as gives one thing: experiences.
What I do not see, realize and understand that experience will not last, and if it’s subjective, not shared with others, then it’s not really relevant, only for self-stimulation, self-entertainment, self-pre-occupation.

No matter how I try to justify to preoccupy myself to stimulate myself to feel a lot of energies what I define as great – if I do it hours a day, or even for a minute – it’s for me only. It is that I am using it to distract myself from another points, responsibilities.

One might ask, what’s the problem to give oneself time to feel good – sure, just is it really the best possible way to become proud of myself, meanwhile I already am aware of the fact that to experience joy is way less REAL than to initiate, move, share and live ENJOYMENT. Just the little difference within starting point can give a whole new perspective to begin to work with.

Let’s clarify – still not saying, pleasing myself(lol) is bad – but doing it basically virtually in my mind is not just self-dishonest, but it’s nothing compared to actually do, express and live something.

Just an example, I am sure many can relate with this: watching photos of posing ladies in bikini or without it – if I see one and I say – ok, cool, it’s alright, but if I direct myself to keep looking more and more of these images, what I am actually doing? I am judging pictures as ‘great, nice, sexy’, one after another – accumulating this energetic experience – the question is why?

What do I really want, desire here – to just watch pictures, is that what makes me feel good about this? Or there is something underlying here? Would I not want to do this in real life? Would that be self-honest? Not really, if just to please myself, with sex-objects in my mind – as in fact I am reacting to my own definition, norm, polarity of good and bad, the picture is just a trigger point I deliberately use to feel this reaction within me.

What actually I mean by looking at images of ladies? Maybe a partner, who I’d love to be with, who with we could respect and support each other with trust and care.

I am just playing this scenario – anyone can have different wishes, the ones one does not even dares to admit, because then would have to face the fact that have given up on that, and then what makes oneself of that? It’s difficult to be faced with my mistakes constantly, especially if I am re-creating them all the time! Thus distraction, blame, justification, manipulation are tools for hiding, procrastinating, postponing. We all know these mind-tricks, yet there is no public school where they talk, support about these. Deliberately.

I want to expose, uncover and become aware of all my mistakes, dishonesty – thus I can see in fact, in reality of who I am – that is the first step, which is not always direct and simple, then I investigate, apply tools, such as http://lite.desteniiprocess.com and I learn, to see what I consist of and why. And it might not be ‘blissful’ and ‘happy’ but certainly more real and once becoming able to move and express without dishonesty, it can be enjoyable as well, but not secluded, limited within one’s energetic mind. It’s something to worth learn and expand with.

Thus – one has to walk this through, even if already grew up in body, has to within self as well. Words are keys here and writing is the key to OWN words, not get owned by them.

We just had a very supportive group chat about this topic, it’s actually public, thus I’d encourage everyone to read through:

The Gravity of Consciousness vs the Anchor of Physicality – 30 August 2017

Sunette wrote:

The mind creates a gravity that of a Fibonacci spiral, that’s the pattern it uses to PULL you into itself or where you allow yourself to gravitate towards the Mind parts of you UP THERE instead of ANCHORING it DOWN HERE into you and your living

And this:

whenever you feel scattered – take a breath and remind yourself: I AM NEVER SCATTERED as the being that I am. I have somehow ALLOWED myself to scatter myself in my mind, so now I need to take a breath and look at what thought or reaction did I follow!

I shared in there this:

for me it’s a fake, virtual movement – as swirling the energy within mind and body as reaction highway superstrada hyperspace – it _feels like_ movement, but it’s just result of give up on actual movement, but still wanting to have experience, like a virtual reality, a self-creation bubble

(And others shared a lot more cool and supportive stuff, so better to check the link out).

So this is great to realize in any moment I am gravitated towards this energy crave in my mind – whatever it is, no need to sugarcoat, or be shy of, nothing rude either – as just direct – when someone have the feeling ‘I should just get drunk now’ – or ‘I want a joint to smoke now’ or – ‘I’d just fuck now with someone’ – it’s a mind-energy crave.

And there is a reason for that to appear, which I am not focused to anymore, but for the way to feed the energy in my mind – to drink alcohol or get drug or just be stimulated with sexual energy – to not need to face what was in my mind before this crave.

And when I realize that I have this crave and I feel almost automatically being pulled into – I realize – I have an aspect, a sense of self here who I remained here as – just not need to focus to the part of me giving in – as it is not that schizophrenic as I explained, but I have done being drunk a zillion times and it was neither of solution or real enjoyment – but was a way to my mind to get on top actually, while I submitted to a kind of ‘given up’ about myself in relation to the point triggering the impulse to do what makes me react.

I will continue on this topic, as at times, especially when being tired, I can have the tendency, desire and want to get energetic, upbeat, active again.

Thus asking myself – why I can’t rest already, was my day effective, do I support all I did today? So it can turn out that (example) for an hour I was not doing what I see as priority, thus I am not satisfied or honored I feel myself about myself, thus need to be distracted or avoid facing the point of responsibility as it would require more effort.

Even can happen that I have so much identified myself and my ‘movements’ with energetic reactions, that without those I feel I am not moving fast enough in reality, and not realizing that although thoughts can work quickly, it’s always the physical what’s really relevant, stable and consistent.

 

 

 

 

Day 337 – Transform Shame into Change

img_1063Sharing Shame. Interesting concept, not the most common topic to share about, but it holds the key for self-Change.

I made a VLOG about shame recently, although it was a bit dark, but voice is clear.

Openly face Shame and to see how I can take responsibility for by understanding the details of my mindset, personalities, thoughts, feelings and emotions to be able to Forgive and Prevent myself to repeating the same mistakes – thus practically Change and stop be ashamed for what I am aware of as not self-honest, neither supporting me and/or others.

Everyone who has ever felt shame for anything should take responsibility for and own it, not suppress, hide or even being ashamed of shame.

I walk Self-forgiveness on what I have been, used to be and still can be ashamed of.

I open up not just that ‘I don’t like it, I don’t want it‘ – but to see how and why I did what then I felt ashamed of. The context, the starting point, the pattern is relevant here, the relationships and the self-definitions as well.
Equally so the thoughts(backchat, inner dialogue), feelings(positive reactions), emotions(negative reactions) – what supports deeper understanding, thus better practical, specific awareness of the whole story, which I can re-visit, write down, slow down within and cross-reference with common sense, self-honesty to be able to see/realize and understand, what I can and should do differently next time to assist and support myself and others around me.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of things, and then to accept that shame as a package, a part of me, and creating a victim role within it as the following: I’ve done this, did not do that, experienced and felt like this or that, and thus now I feel bad about it, I am ashamed, and it’s done already, nothing to do about it, it’s fact, written to reality, and I feel that this can’t change, thus it’s a splinter in my mind from now on.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse shame as not living the words but manipulating myself with them to have an excuse and justification of why not need to change, expand, understand and grow, because of what I have done already and how I feel ashamed about those, as it’s unchangeable as in the past and I am already in the future/present.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be ashamed when I should be, and be ashamed when I should not be and in overall simply not being aware of when I should be how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within writing out ‘when I should be ashamed’ to react with doubt and judgement, thinking of ‘sounds not cool/supportive’ to consider when I should be ashamed, like it must be wrong to feel shame, as doing it when I have done something bad, therefore the idea of ‘should be ashamed’ I allowed the tendency to not look at, disregard, suppress.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within denying, disregarding, suppressing my relationship with shame, I am denying a part of myself, which then I try to disconnect with, thus I am giving away understanding, power and self.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple message of shame within myself, which is the need for changing myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized on how to assist and support myself within embracing shame to see what I need to change within myself and how to do it exactly within practical, tangible plan and action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been able to directly see behind my own shame, because then I would see/realize/understand that I need to change, to change who I am, to walk into uncomfortable things I have allowed to manifest, to feel it, to face myself, to embrace and stop and then to apply the movement, the direction, the action I need to take to change myself, step by step, waking into the unknown, which can seem scary and as losing what I have.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within walking into unknown and change I keep focusing on what I can lose, instead of directly seeing what I am losing by not moving and changing, and also on how I could grow with this change, which as it is realized already: unknown.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change by facing unknown, which I believe that can be bad, thus rather risking to accept how and who I am today, which I already realized it’s not ‘ideal’ or supportive, self-honest – and also it is what I am ashamed of — thus, risking not to change, not to move, not to explore of what is beyond my shame and dishonesty in order to protect of what I perceive having.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within resisting to change, having excuses and justifications to try to preserve and hold onto what I perceive having, while not realizing that what I seem to have are memories, personality patterns, physical objects, and from any of those I can not realize my utmost potential, although I understand that these can be of great support, I only expand when I take the leap of faith, faith within my self honesty and direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist with shame in a relationship what I’ve also defined as shameful, meaning to have shame is reason to have shame, and not realizing that shame is just a word, and it’s meaning what animates people, thus if I re-define it, I can support myself to be better, self-honest and supportive for myself and others equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support and power within decomposing meaning and patterns of words and then to re-align myself with re-defining those words with principle, self-honesty and integrity and committing myself to live that word in the way I decide to.

Shame – redefinition: when and as I feel and experience shame, I realize that there is a point within me what I am actually aware of as I am seeing that this is not self-honest, not honoring myself and others with, and I do not like it, I feel that I should be/act differently about it, thus I see the common sense to CHANGE myself, to INVESTIGATE, to REALIZE the points, the context, the reaction, the starting point about and around this word ‘shame’ and to work on preventing myself to ‘need to feel’ shame.

Example: I was ashamed that once I did beat up my dog, when I was kid and I felt like I could never forgive myself for what I have done, initiated by feeling hurt and being angry, I lost my presence and for decades I was ashamed of this, until I found http://desteniiprocess.com(this is a serious course, with lot of work on self, but thus the result can also be profound, I really recommend it, I walk these courses since years and the change, stability, and increasing self-trust, self-direction is extraordinary) and it’s free, introductory course LITE and realized that I can forgive myself, I can stop being ashamed by:

I understand why I did what I did within it’s utmost specificity(how and why I was frustrated, bullied, abused as kid, felt powerless, insecure, etc)
How and why I will assist and support myself within similar situation to prevent myself to ‘lose myself’ and also to immediately become aware of what consequence I am about to manifest and realizing – ‘I’ve been there, it’s bad, I don’t go, I STOP’.
I commit myself to really not do it again, and if I am losing myself, having temptation to, fall back, etc – then I apply Self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and actually living it in action.

The same is to apply any kind of things one can be ashamed of: addiction, fear, body shape or actions one did in the past, etc.

Thus realize – shame is not bad, only becomes embarrassingly unbearable, if one remains within it – becomes it, instead of seeing what it is showing, a potential of self-honesty in physical living.