380 – Discipline – Excuses and Standing up

P1020216Let’s continue with DISCIPLINE

I wrote last time the list of things I experience myself having lack of discipline.:

I was on a vacation recently and was looking at the word and action of it while I was out of my daily routines and responsibilities.

My realization is that I am easily able to compromise my discipline and self-integrity within any awareness of accepted self-dishonesty.
It’s reminding me to the whole positivity concept, that people focus on the positive only, thus they will attract only positive things. Yet, it’s easily breakable as one negative thought, emotion or experience can ruin the whole thing. That’s why people obsessed with positivity often simply avoid people whose life presents anything less than positive, as they fear – negativity is infectious.

Well, certainly there is truth within the experience of fallacy of positivity by ANY negative, because the whole positive thinking is basically what it’s called, the person surrounds and shields oneself with only positive thoughts, excluding and ignoring the negative.

Of course, both polarities are subjective, because the person decides what’s currently positive to them, and it’s a slippery slope, because it’s easy to get addicted to exclude, deny, avoid and ignore everything what do not make oneself great. In not the longest term, but on the momentarily experience level mostly. Because of the nature of positivity – one negative thought can ruin the whole thing, because it’s not real, not substantial, physical, thus can be changed, dissipated so easily.

So, my trust, the experience of integrity, and in a way even the expression of discipline is somewhat similarly constructed within my personality.

I can easily sabotage my trust and ability to discipline myself in regarding to anything, IF I am seeing that I did or still doing something what is not self-honest.

This also indicates that I see a problem, judge myself about it and identify myself as who I am, thus preconditioning the further acceptance of that particular self-dishonesty, which then upkeeps the sabotage of absolute self-trust, which by I am influenced and handicapped to apply so to speak ‘unbreakable discipline’. What I mean is that I do not allow to be distracted or tempted out from something I am disciplined to go through or do – but if I am not only accepting myself compromised, but also noting that I do not do anything about it, then I am allowing myself to be less than who I could be.

Without specificity I am being triggered by various topics and aspects of my life – why never occurred to me that my discipline, although seems auto-selective, it is in fact still decided by me, of when and how ‘firmly’ I am applying it.

For instance, if I am going to drive car- I have developed a really stable discipline in terms of conditions I am agreeing to drive car to be able to absolutely trust myself that I will do everything in my power to avoid any accident or harm. During the last years I have been very particular and meticulous about this and there is no compromise I allow there, none!

And this was a firm decision, which I never wavered yet from, and I trust.
Even if this means that at rare occasions I do apparently strange things, when about to drive yet I need a precondition for my safety, such as if I am too tired, I don’t mind to sleep 20 minutes if it helps, even if it’s during the day and seems weird, or drinking two coffees if that is required to be able to be totally present. Or spending more for servicing the car than people usually do to know what I can rely to and how much. Or going out alone in the night alone and practice a specific technique or learn techniques from ambulance instructors, professional drivers. This was a fear, phobia in my life until some years ago and I have transformed this weakness into a gift by dilligent and disciplined effort.

This is a great reminder to that even if I feel fallen within my self-honesty process in a given moment, it is not to allow or justify any more ‘fall’ and to see the values and living, practical examples of how I am standing up in practical action.

I often wonder about my life and others in sort of non-polarity-based comparison, without giving any positive or negative value to certain abilities or attitudes, skills.

Many people struggle with job and salary for instance, to find proper one or leave the constant worry of not being able to earn somehow – for me that’s never problem, due to my education, skills, profession and given, trusted and lived experience of that I can find job anywhere if required.

Some also could say I am lucky, and that means others are less lucky, but if I look at it, many decisions and actions I did in the past lead me to here, and how much real awareness was within those, I am not sure, but who I am today is certainly someone who do not need to worry about unemployment at the moment.

The whole process of finding a job, interviewing, showing my best to future employer prospect is also something I trust – and if I am not being hired to a position I applied to – it’s completely fine, I review my direction, my perceived and measured knowledge and realign accordingly.

Yet, if it comes to such word of DISCIPLINE itself, I can fall down into the self-judgement pipe so smoothly, just for instance, not writing this blog for some days, I start to build this dissatisfaction, frustration, and there is even some shame in that.

It would take about 15-25 minutes to write a blog, it’s not that requires special circumstance, after some years of doing it, I am able to sit down and directly walk a point’s understanding within me, so it’s not even about difficulty or perceived ‘depth’.

But if there is one excuse or justification to any self-dishonesty I notice within, then I tend to accept the next one and then the following a bit more easily, thus starting to slip. Not ‘directly’ willingly, just still a tendency, which needs to be corrected.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept self-dishonesty more easily once I realized I have allowed one and to slowly but surely slip into total self-abdication of responsibility without stopping, looking at excuses, consequences and practical action to re-align into self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I generalize within discipline, thus whenever I notice that I am not disciplined within something, I define that I am not disciplined, I have trouble with discipline, and not realize that my problem exists not with discipline, but within the specific word relationship in relation to the point I a facing and no matter how much discipline I have, if the point exists ‘before’ or ‘deeper’ than my ability and will to discipline, then until did not understood, forgiven and stopped the self-dishonesty about that point, then my discipline will be compromised.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that generalizing and falling into acceptance of self-dishonesty after another is excuse and justification not needing to move and stand up as I have allowed myself to define that my resources/energy are limited and thus it’s effort, something tiresome to MOVE myself out from self-dishonesty mind-state by stopping participating the point I already see that I am not applying what’s best in the context and location I find myself within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that even with one self-dishonesty I am accepting myself to punish and judge, shame and shatter myself completely, and within that not seeing that it is defeatism and also an excuse not to move and stand up unconditionally in each moment, but to justify it with that ‘I have fallen, fallen already, thus while I am down, it’s less problematic to allow self-dishonesty, as I would perceive my possibly only two states, such as’I am 100% self-honest, which I have to protect’, but once I lose it, I can accept any self-dishonesty, as I am already ‘fallen’, so from that absolutism point, I can’t fall down further, yet not realizing the nature and law of reality, which is accumulation by the simple math of 1+1=2.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shame myself once I am allowing self-dishonesty, instead of being honest with myself that I do not enjoy this, I do not want this to happen, yet happened, so instead of punishing myself, I could apply that effort into practical solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the support within anchoring myself HERE in each moment and especially within moments of self-dishonesty realized, thus also realizing the tendency, desire and hope for no need to MOVE more, because from the self-acceptance state I allow to be identified with is still that it’s more positive if I focus on feeling good – and within that not realizing that I have defined as work, difficult, expensive(in terms of effort) to stand up to or prevent self-dishonesty and within that not realizing why, because I am not aware of the extent I compromise myself by justifications, such as ‘I have already fallen, I can’t fall more further’ – and not realizing that each action accumulates, thus the standing up to self-dishonesty as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not needing to move and stop patterns of my mind as easy, comfortable and not challenging and within that not realizing that each time I accumulate acceptance and ‘execution’ of self-dishonesty, I create more friction within, doubt and self-compromise, thus the discipline to say no before, and AFTER any self-dishonesty is crucial.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that specificity within discipline is really a decision to be made not once, twice, but within each moments, to stand, unwavering and to see the tendency of fallacy, the temptation and be able to word that as well, equally so the consequence if I’d make the decision to give up discipline or not re-aligning into it again, and thus to realize that I can will myself to be able to remind myself each time of temptation of giving up the specific discipline, that I keep standing, and also to be honest about what I truly seek, want, and within that to see who I am today and how practically I can work with myself, realistically.

This means that not to follow surreal expectations, to set up failure by default, for instance never to be distracted by thought, and then anytime I still would, to harrass myself, because I have fallen, so bad boy I am – this is not practical and realistic.

Thus to investigate my current state, location, conditioning and thus make a realistic plan, with accumulation.

Certainly there are things what are not like that, thus there is standing up or not binary state, for instance doing something really abusive – and it’s again about self-honesty to not to accept excuse and justification, such as ‘I used to be addicted to this thing, I want to stop, but for now I keep doing that thing, because I am so deep in the addiction, I must gradually stop.
It might work sometimes, such as one decides to stop smoking cigarettes – all of a sudden stopping it, or first reducing and then keep reducing until reaching zero? It’s a decision one has to see and decide, and actually try.

I still have tendency to resist what does not seem easy in any way whatsoever, although the uneasy point I can face easily can be somewhat of a construct of self-dishonesty, which can be understood and self-forgiven, and voila, I am free to move.

I used to have this resistance towards driving car, learning martial arts or even learning music – so scary, I could cause horrible accident or I would become too powerful and I could accidentally hurt or kill someone, or it is too complicated and takes too much time – and not realizing that these are excuses.

That’s why it’s invaluable to walk Desteni I Process – as one might know already the extent and even specific examples of accepted self-dishonesty, but this course, as it’s designed, it’s structured and in a way measurable one’s progress within, walked with a buddy, who already made the course and walked similar path, thus can cross-reference and serve as a more objective anchor point back to reality, from the sometimes dense forest of justifications, excuses, projections and blames.

Nowadays with driving, I am more comfortable and it’s no shame if I need to adjust the expression – for instance if I feel that I need to go slower or I need to rest, safety is first – and within that I find my discipline, as decision unwavering and this supports self-trust, and if I can do this in this aspect of my life, then certainly I can explore how to do in other aspects of myself as well.

Even if the motivation within it is fear of horrible consequences and responsibility for it, in itself the fear becomes irrelevant as I keep moving and preventing, expanding and growing with the principle of what is best for all in the context of my reality.

And just as with the martial arts, I was a bit jumpy in my mind when I was a child, if I got this angry rush within, I felt uncontrollable, and that was scary – and I resisted to learn any martial arts, yet once I pushed through that resistance, with the actual learning of martial art, I learned the skill of disciplining myself not to fall into this uncontrollable emotional rage within – thus it was actually great support to learn to tame myself.

Same with music – needed to reach out, having now teacher, practising every day a little, accumulates slowly but surely to where I want to be, which I am not sure of exactly, but I just discipline this walk as long as it fits and I trust myself in that.

So what I am going to focus to is to gather action points in relation to discipline:

  • whenever I realize self-dishonesty, I remind myself – this does not give free ticket for another self-dishonesty, I realign to self-honesty completely, any justification comes to not to do so, it’s temptation, which I stop
  • whenever I worry that I am not discipline enough about something, I realize that I am not motivated, by myself directly and within that unconditionally, and to look at what is the reason why to be able to deal with it
  • whenever I feel struggling to discipline myself with something, it’s resisted, keep falling – I look at the point I am facing, what is the construct within, the memory, the fear and I realize, its not discipline itself the problem, but my relationship with the point I accept.


Dictionary often refers to DISCIPLINE as something not so pleasant, such as obey or control in difficult situations, related to knowledge and rules.

What is my definition of it, with I can support living the word within self-honesty?

Discipline is the action born from a decision to remain unwavering within challenging situations, wherein I could be tempted or justified to give up, give in, yet I keep standing, re-aligning, correcting and thus expanding within self-knowledge in a practical, situation-specific manner.


Day 379 – Discipline continued – specificity

P1020210Continuing on Discipline word specificity

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am approaching, dealing with and using WORDS with emotional energetic reaction charge without being aware of it’s origin, influence and consequence and within that also not seeing the importance of the investigation, stopping, re-alignment and change I require to directly LIVE words.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the DESIRE for discipline I invest into is the GIVING UP of direct self-trust and accumulate gambling by trusting constructs in my mind to make me feel, experience and do things, because I am unable to consistently remain within direct self-expression without polarity of my mind, of good and bad of self-interest, due to fear and hope.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear is self-interest, thus indication of abandonement of really living within self-honesty, and thus, it’s a great support to reflect back on what is the specificity creating this type of self-dishonesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the doubt and self-judgement I create is through the accumulative effect via lack of consistency being here and really wanting to become consistent, yet not laying down the necessary plan, structure and actual effort to manifest that change, every day, no excuse, no justification.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I accept a ‘day off’ from everything, meaning all the work and job, commitment and discipline, I undermine the process of consistency, which, if I look at it, without energy of my mind feelings and emotions, finding it to be a problem and within that acceptance of that problem creating inner friction, with then I have to deal with, putting extra effort to avoidable things.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of specificity in relation to discipline to describe of what I lack, judge or resist and why, within asking WHY, to see why I ask that why and thus understanding myself, my reality and the solution as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted the followings I lack within my daily living in regarding to discipline:
    • breathing presence inconsistency due to fall into certain thinking patterns of doubt and worry
    • existential doubt due to financial instability and lack of structured plan execution
    • lack of communication with myself in regarding to partnership, sexuality and intimacy
    • intermittent motivation and progress level about my short-, mid- and long-term commitments, projects
    • temptation of move or not move towards the experiences giving me the least resistance and difficulty
    • complete and throughout level of disregard towards proper structure applied within specific areas of my daily living to support self-introspection, self-discipline, self-forgiveness and self-correction
    • not sharing ‘enough’ of process, as walking, as opening, as explaining – as seeing the potential, yet not stepping into it yet for a reason I did not yet specify

These might seem different topics, but in a way, they are the same – and as I am walking through these pillars, each will support me in standing up within all others, thus creating a halo of awareness taking over from consciousness system towards life awareness.

Based on these openings, what is obvious is that the most practical way is the direct way – for instance with breathing presence discipline – the obvious support is to focus on regular exercises, every day, at the same time – work on the breathing, presence, direct awareness here – no excuse, no distraction, no giving up.
And if points come up – write them down, walk the necessary self-forgiveness, self-commitment and re-align. Rinse and repeat – until I am comfortable here, with myself, unconditionally.

In a way – this is RESTART of Process – Back to Basics(link: EQAFE).

Every day is a new life, this is my Day one – and in a way, all will be until I stand as Life.

The challenge, which I know already, is that the more I am able to discipline myself to ‘become here’ – as it seems as QUIETING my mind, the more points and issues I will start to experience – all the patterns I was able to distract myself from with the daily bullshit self-dishonesty, which prevented me to see the real and relevant points, what I kept giving up about.
It’s like opening the wardrobe and all the things I stuffed in starts to fall out. I used to believe that intensity is key for breakthrough, but the danger in that is that then I work with massive mind-energy accumulations – and they are up and then down, thus I am exposed to that influence, challenging consistency, structured walk of discipline. Not saying it can’t be ‘revelation’, but in general, it’s less valuable as it feels at those intense moments.

Thus, it’s to clarify: there is NOTHING in existence we can escape from – only prolonging the process, thus this is also a DISCIPLINE – to stop and face all them here, in this life.

Every tiny details, of each of self-lie, self-deny, self-suppression, self-delusion or self-interest – our mind and beingness remembers, will support to realize and understand – if we are ready and honest to be able to STOP.

To be honest(pun intended) the capabilities I have became aware of I am able to do with my mind and discipline, more than 15 years ago, by time resulted myself become bully and in a way aggressive towards myself, because by knowing the potentials, yet not living up to those – that is really tough if not dealt with and stopped – and rather focusing to actual change, instead getting lost in the reaction energy vortex.

From Mr Robot TV series, a quote: “When you truly hate yourself, that’s power” – the art of total self-destruction, just you never go down alone with that, but dragging many others too – enraging further within the unnecessary and vicious cycle of self-interest.

That’s why many will ride all of those death-cults until their end: all religions, spirituality – they want to be exonerate from their own existence of manifested consequences, while all they have to do is to truly find self-forgiveness within the action of specificity.

What is an excuse coming up is that it is very thin line to walk on to allow ‘natural learning ability‘ without overthinking versus applying structured self-correction tools – so it’s like I have a thousand computers within me and they all run some sort of program and each has their own specific firewall/defense system, even if they are obviously questionable or even just bad – and to get in, stop those flawed programs, I need to understand the code already running in them, understanding the protection to get through it – and once stopping one – I need to create new code, but one which does not limit me, can grow itself with my presence and alignment of principle for all life equally. That’s why Self-forgiveness is awareness – I become aware of the patterns, the consequences, what I accepted already – so when I am about to do it next time, I remember, I take responsibility, and I prevent myself falling into it again. But for that I need to understand, specifically, good intention is merely nothing here.

It is literally scary to shut down those apparently important life support mind-computer systems of self-definition, self-justification, self-identification programs, but the more I investigate those, the more I see that they allow me to get by, but not truly LIVE.

Many brag about the magical and wonderful consciousness, which seems endless – it isn’t – I am able to see it’s limits, it’s end and it’s flaws – everyone should! –  but what allows consciousness to exist, what is beyond it, what is behind and within all is what we all believed to be justifiable to be separated from – the responsibility for all life equally.

That responsibility and alignment with is going to support to all to find back our ways from systematic limitation towards awareness of infinite life.

It’s easy to stray away – towards energy, towards possession or obsession due to the tendency of volatile sensitivity for energetic reactions in the mind, through the human physical body – thus genuine and reliable support is crucial to find compass and anchor within the process of self-realization.

That is why I committed my life to align with and participate within Desteni community, Desteni I Process online courses, as it is invaluable to find the right path within self-honesty.

Many did walk away from this process as it leads to the very core of our creation, which is challenging, for some it was too much, some got personal, some did fall into some excuse, not applying the simple tools for self-liberation in order to justify why they are right, better or should feel hurt, just because did not establish the proper DISCIPLINE within walking the Process of Self-honesty in every day consistency.

It does not matter what process one walks, if it’s different, has other structure or approach – but eventually everyone has to realize that the only way is through purifying our mind with decomposing, un-learning and re-defining how we live words in accordance of all participant of life equally.

And within that to realize – if one has resistance, judgement, opposition to the word ‘equality’ – it is a construct, there are things behind this pattern, and can lead to much more direct self-liberation. Worth exploring!

To be continued. . .

Day 378 – Discipline specificity

P1020203I find myself time-looping about a specific point, so it should be on the table.

I repeatedly observe the fact that I lack discipline, so I should focus on working on it.
So I wake up, today as well – and deciding – today’s word is Discipline. I should develop more discipline.
And then the day passes. Next day – I still pick this word, as not much specific I ‘dsciplined’ enough yet.

Thus realizing – the specificity is missing – if I look at my life, almost 4 decade of memories, experiences, realizations and mistakes I have available to review already, I actually see that there is nothing wrong with my abilities to be able to manifest unchallenged discipline. This is not about bragging, as I have proven to myself various times that I can do what I decide to do, if I really want it – so the first flag point is MOTIVATION.

Am I motivated to discipline myself? If yes – then I go through anything – I remember, once I was sitting for days only watching the candle burn, because wanted to prove a point to myself about my mind and experiences – and it was actually very supportive, but only later put the puzzles together, because I was able to recreate experiences(not much more than an effect, but did not realize that back then) of high dosage LSD without using the substance with discipline and in that time my life was really simple – just put EVERYTHING to what I decide to do and no looking back, no regret, I did not own anything, I was nothing. Or at least felt like or wanted to be.

My relationship with that particular ME from that times today is certainly not only memory-based, however I must admit that I today simply lack a quality I was more naturally living back then, and that is my kind of romantic flash-back to an aspect of myself which I miss.

This very specific WILL I was onto or rather into however was proven to be energy-based mind-possession and thus was temporally.

However, it showed a potential, an unbreakable decision, which is with me now as lived it and ths seeing the value within it to bring it to a more aware, self-expression-type of ability to birth.

I start the investigation by seeing what topics I am very confident about to do.

When have to find the best item for my purposes, to make the most practical decision.
Needing to buy a camera, a phone, a car, a music instrument. I check all relevant information, to support my decision until there is no doubt, only clarity and then going for it. Even if the buy later proves to be not completely satisfying the initial ‘requirements’ – my clarity remains impeccable, because I know that I did all I could.

This is a word I find important, thus repeating here, marking as second flag point: IMPECCABLE.

(All flag point words will be further investigated separately to support this ‘walking the mind’)

At this point did an introductory VLOG about this point…


Closing this post with some Self-forgiveness specificity awareness points

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having extraordinary ability for discipline and justifying not being disciplined at situations where I obviously should by saying to myself ‘if I really would want to be disciplined, I would, so no worries’ and within that not realizing that the situation within I accept and allow this is specific and I am not honest about it, and actually giving up to a resistance I do not want to walk through for another specific reason I am not allowing myself to be honest about.
  • I commit myself to stop defining myself to be someone with extraordinary discipline as realizing I only define myself to justify not being disciplined, and instead of focusing to real, tangible situations wherein I can practically re-define, plan and prepare myself to the potential of LIVING DISCIPLINE.

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Day 377 – Fall out from movement

P1020217Sometimes I find myself being stopped doing the things usually am enthusiastic/motivated about.
Almost would be identified as getting bored – or blocked.
When this mind state is not active, I am always eager to do those activities, such as creating or learning something(walking the mind consciousness system correction, learning or playing music, researching technology, video-making, etc).

Instead of those, I just want to entertain, which is not even really true.

What contradicts with this is that I usually have no much ‘free time’ to do the things I like to do and with this state, it is pretty obvious that I am kind of wasting my time on things what are not really relevant.

It even occurs to me that I am being harsh on myself and so rarely taking it easy that it feels like being suppressed, and once it’s too often – then it needs to be done for a while to get fullfilled. Meaning to do nothing? Something like that. But it’s deeper than that. There are trigger points, reactions what invoke this state.

Well, in general, my attitude to doing nothing is that it’s defined as bad, thus I should not do it.

I got a cold, my head kind of feels heavy and sneezing and got wet nose all day, so what felt comfortable today was mostly watching movies or videos and having multiple daytime sleeps.
And now feeling kind of bad that night is coming, I am tired doing nothing and wasted a day not doing the things I usually do.

This happened before, not once, so definitely a pattern, thus this self-introspection is what I do about it.

I am not worried about that my hobbies are not true or real, as before, because in the past happened – I did not want to touch the music instruments and I thought – this must mean all my passion for learning and doing music was fake, self-dishonest.
I also note to self – hobbies, activities, enthusiasms, passion, commitments, fun, expansion – various definitions to things I justify worth spending time and effort with in daily basis.

I do not say that now all is exposed and these activities are not real or me, it’s just still strange that I am not consistent and it raises the question, is it okay or not, am I dishonest or not – and if the question comes, it means I am not certain that if I am not dishonest.

Yesterday crystalized a realization that I lack discipline, I need to work on that, redefine it, unlearn some patterns in relation to it.

And today I feel having total lack of discipline.

Indeed, I also feel sick and want to recover as fast as I can, and in these situations I usually rest more, do not drink coffee or tea(only herbs), so I am not that focused on what I do as with those I can.

I have listed the things I want to ‘progress with’, just for myself.

Obviously most of them is difficult or its a long term process and not really effective or even possible to do when being ill – so then why feeling bad when stopping for a day?

Because it’s not self-directed, no self-agreement, clarity – it rather happens and feeling no control, that’s why the doubt in those things, in myself and not being able to tell if this is okay or not.

Next morning

Writing down this really assisted as all seems ‘back on track’ – after morning shower it was natural to grab the guitar and continue with my usual practice schedules.

Instead of inflating a space in my mind, allowing thoughts of doubt and judgement, it’s clear that this can happen, next time will investigate further or even being able to prevent myself going into the same pattern.

Today spent some time under bright, warm sun and my illness was reduced – so tonight was great to have a coffee and continue with the music learning, playing and this writing.

I keep telling to individuals, who face challenges that writing with the starting point of being absolute honest with oneself(or thriving on developing that ability) can really support with stabilization and accumulation of practical understanding of problems and thus solutions too.

For instance by looking back to yesterday’s writing(beginning of this post) – it’s clear to me that some of those activities I used to self-define myself, some quite automatically, thus to doubt myself doing those seem quite placed, yet that self-questioning should not manifest within emotional, worry- and doubt-based distracting and quite unpleasant experiences.
Rather to provide opportunity to ask and answer to myself, literally explore intimacy by becoming honest with myself without any extra layer, personality or pretending.

There was this TV series, Lucifer – mentioned here before – one of his ‘abilities’ was to be able to ask anyone ‘What do you desire truly’ – and people just dropped their act and answered him – imagine that ability with self, all the time.

At first consideration this is always the case – ‘I always know what I really, truly want’ – in this moment to eat, then in the next moment to find a lady, in the next moment, get money, then get a job, then get a car, then get this and that, watch this movie, that TV series – these all seem absolutely self-honest at first sight, but once one dares to scratch the surface, many things in our life can become quite bipolar – in a way – absolutely, but on the other hand – not really.

Temptation is a funny thing. Just recently, I saw an advertisement about an used synth, it’s really great deal, I know a friend, and also a famous musician using that instrument on stage and all of a sudden I have this compulsion that I NEED THAT INSTRUMENT! I checked reviews, plays, samples, documentation, forums and it’s obviously great deal, I was really feeling it – then I considered my current situation and realized, it is not really necessary – would be fun and cool, maybe later even could become a really great value to me in terms of using and benefiting with it, but at the moment, it just would make me feel great for a while.

But until the decision to look at it with common sense – I was so convinced.

I actually enjoy this ability – to review – it’s like when I spend a day with a cool lady and then all of a sudden I feel defined – I am in love – wow – and then I let this experience go, enjoy as it lasts and dissipates – and next day I can explore other things with this person – not saying feeling or defining experiences of attraction is bad – just it’s great to realize – it’s just an experience and to see what’s beyond.

Same with all kinds of desire – for an item or a person – but if I am honest with myself – I can see how I created this experience – and that’s responsibility – based on the context, situation and reality to see if it’s supportive/beneficial/practical.

I am aware of that many people just LOVE the idea of ‘falling in love’ suddenly, unexpectedly and it feels magical, especially when it’s mutual – it’s like people desire to have that kind of desire and almost as they hope for it and when it comes, it’s just no questions asked, jumping into it type of situation.

In this sense – to see of my ‘activities’ with what I want to have the experience of progressing, expanding with – am I doing the best potential or am I simply pleasing myself by following my desires without reality context.

And as I look through my list – it’s not really about any of those would be ‘not honest choice, thus should be dropped’ – but simply prioritizing is just as important as picking topics to do.

What I see as doubt in regarding to prioritizing is that some things I want to do are more difficult and sometimes unconsciously ‘getting’ less priority, than they should.

As for instance I started to write an article about a topic I investigated and found to be relevant to share my realizations about, yet around 70%, I postponed it and since almost 2 months did not continue – yet it’s in my mind whenever considering to do something with ‘free time’ – and is it a burden or an annoyance? Is it my decision, commitment or discipline – and in regarding to these and the article – who am I living these words truly honestly to myself?

Relevant to note, it’s great to question and deduct myself from time to time, but need to have a structured, practical and reliable way to support practical understanding and growth on studying and expanding with self-honesty and developing clarity and consistency.

That’s how I find the Desteni I Process course and Writing Self-honesty blog within the Journey to Life process as the greatest pillar within assisting and supporting my expansion of practical awareness.

To get to know the basic components of the human mind, how those are operating, recognizing them within my daily word usage, within thoughts, spoken words or in living action – it’s exceptional to understand more, to see how and why I am created the way I behave today and if something I become aware of that could be better – provides effective ways to support practical change.

I am just going to work on my homework/assignment within that specific course’s current lesson’s assignment I am busy with these days.

There are points in my current life what require a bit more attention to re-align and change, and thus it’s just a specific enjoyment to realize – I trust myself within this that I am changing myself from doubt and judgments to clarity and responsibility.

This post opened up a lot of points. Let’s close it with some realizations.

  • When and as I am ill and sick – look back how was my latest experiences, reactions, what might triggered the imbalance within me, my body and wholeness, health to shake and how I feel, experience, define or judge myself in regarding to anything I am not proud of, clear about or feeling not being absolutely honest about.
  • When and as I note that I am ill, sick, physically or cognitively, mentally or emotionally less firm, I recognize the necessity to find ways to rest, not to push myself but to recover and find other ways to express self-movement than the usual ways what require more focus, strength and endurance, such as work on being present, bring myself to the center of my beingness presence, breathe in and out with self-expression and let go any judgement, emotional reaction about my state and if makes sense, making notes to future breakdown of patterns, decomposition of mind-constructs to correct and forgive.
  • When and as I am feeling weaker physically, I realize, I need to rest more and not focus on wanting to push myself then, but committing myself to be able to do as such once I recover, and make sure working on removing the resistances to that, working on establishing consistency within self-direction and self-trust by applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment.
  • When and as I feel compelled to buy or do something, I realize its a conviction, an emotional pulse, which justifies to not consider my location, situation, reality within awareness, and I should breathe and see what’s really practical and what not.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized to have the tendency to want to have this writing to be full and complete and within it the compulsion to ride the moment because its here, and this is because I do not trust myself that I will keep writing this within consistency.
    This is something related to also the psychedelic drug habits I had, as this moment is special, I need to do until I am in this state, as this state is not self-created, directed, but occurred to me due to circumstances caused by myself or something else, but indirectly, and within that not realizing that I am animated by energy, not self – thus will not be consistent and the common sense to decompose the pattern and source of that energetic reaction in my mind and take decision myself.
  • When and as I worry that I do have to ride this moment until it lasts, I realize – this is something I can do anytime, and if I really wish to, yet resisting it, then I have to work on the resistance first to be able to decompose and walk through, and within that to realize that not energetic reactions, such as growing frustration of self-created anger due to judging myself still existing within self-limitation is the way, but by understanding my own prison in my mind and brick by brick, bar by bar removing my own walls and cages with specificity of awareness of how and why I have created these.
  • When and as I question my priorities in my life, activities I daily, monthly or weekly participate within, I realize, first to stop reacting with emotions, stop the fear and doubt, by seeing it’s source and forgive myself for accepting such virtue and then to be able to see what is common sense within my own life and how to establish direct and honest self-communication with myself on what is doable, what is walk-able in mid-and long term and who I am as life to commit this living breath to live as.
  • When and as I remind myself on things, activities, commitments, projects I have started yet did not continue or finish, I stop judging myself, stop defining myself but bringing myself here with empty and directive mind as breathing awareness presence direction to decide what to do about it and then live that decision and if any resistance coming up to live that decision, then deal with it, write about it, walk the timeline and self-forgiveness process necessary.
  • When and as I find myself to wait for my direction and will to return, I realize, it is not something I can wait for, or if something makes me direct, then it is not direct self-honest movement, thus I am compromised by the separation I exist from that ability to initiate and move with and as that decision, and thus it is to decompose that pattern which I give permission to automatically control me.
  • When and as I am waiting for feeling better, energized or disciplined, I realize that if something comes by waiting, it is not directly me, thus I need to focus on catching myself accumulating energetic reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions to see how I am indirectly manipulate myself to be moved, and thus being subjected to forces outside of my self-will and direction within me consistently.

Desteni I Process to master our minds

EQAFE for education about life and self-support

Day 376 – Doubt and growth

P1010317Today’s menu:

Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.

  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to be honest with myself that the conviction of ‘need to be absolutely sure’ to do something is in it’s core is doubt, because I do not trust MYSELF HERE UNCONDITIONALLY, but the relationship, the point about to want to be sure, the conviction I want to be perfect to support my certainty and within that not realizing that I focus to perfect something based on a self-dishonest premise, which is not real to overcome a manifested behavior here, which is real: my acted out doubt in relation to myself, action and self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to not move, initiate, start, live with the conviction of need to be absolutely sure first is self-sabotage, because I do not allow actual, physical and living space and time to find my ground, self-trust within living trial, but first want to model, virtualize, imagine and think it through in a way what satisfies and overcomes my originally self-accepted existence of doubt, and within that wanting to use this model and practise to break through the starting point of: fear of failure, fear of making mistake, fear of manifesting irreversible consequences.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way I can really learn and expand is to live, to try, to make mistakes and fail, so then in real time I can start understanding cause and effect, how reality works based on common sense, practicality and accumulation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tendency to doubt, to stutter, to even petrify myself for apparently tiny moments during my day is accepted as normal to the degree of not even being aware of and thus missing opportunities, moments of expression, expansion and thus growth, based on the convictions of I first must be sure, convinced, justified and reasoned with to do something and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that the very model and starting point of such logical thinking is flawed with doubt, fear of mistake and experiences, memories, automatic judgments and feelings/emotions, based on my past, wherein not allowing to step beyond of those patterns, thus not really expanding, trying new, but always repeating the same cycles in the hope of this time will break through, while the common sense is to first reveal, decompose, forgive and let go all those patterns and see with virgin eye, act with direct movement and to not rely on my past, of what I am not absolutely sure about, and even if so, to re-question if it’s really-really trustworthy to the degree of putting all my life on it and being able to risk not to grow if this is false/self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to change my obsession to be sure and certain, right and eliminating doubt means that I must do express perfection and then becoming obsessed with finding the possibly best approach and wanting, expecting to do that without consideration of where I am currently, my current status, location, opportunities and options, from which I actually can start to consider, structure and plan an actual process of progress and manifestation of the wished outcome and for that to be able to remain consistent within this process without relying on manipulating and stimulating myself in relation to doubt and confidence emotions/feelings, but only focusing on what’s real in and as the physical realm, measurable, obvious.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that to consider my doubt as a point to deal with or overcome based on feelings and emotions, thoughts and reasoning is not self-honest, thus accepting self-limitation, as I do accept the starting point of doubt and want to accept it to exist within the equation in a way that without it, the whole process of planned or actual progress becomes inconsistent, unpredictable or even sabotaged.

For instance a pattern: frustration – if there is no frustration, I do not push to get through a resistance, a limitation, let it be inner, such as worry, excuses, justifications – or external, such as not having enough time, skill, money or power to do something – and within that deliberately boosting my want to overcome that by annoyance and frustration to the point of no matter what, need to get through that – but once I do that, the very motivation to keep moving, directing, expanding becomes un-fueled as the frustration itself was the energy to move, and then finding myself not moving anymore, until again facing another or even the same type of source of frustration.

It’s similar to addiction – for instance to drugs(or sex or alcohol or buying) – one uses it to distract or escape from an experience, related to what’s present within one’s life – and thus the action one does in relation or with/based on/under of the subject of the addiction – and the initial experience fades, one feels great – and moves on – but then the same, unresolved, ran away/distracted from experience, situation returns, and one has a choice: do the same as before, which seemed maybe easier: to repeat the distraction, entertainment, or even self-destruction(getting wasted).

In this sense, people do not realize their addiction to their mind-cycles, and all the automatic compromises they accept and allow for having the ‘balanced and in control self’ – while it’s all self-created self-dishonest self-delusion.

And then people can get to the point of all day want to be high/drunk/etc – for admittedly to avoid to face their responsibility, in reality, what awaits them to deal with, walk through, solve, stand up to – or they just want to have regular boosts to ‘refill’ their ‘don’t feel bad too strongly’ shield. Either way, everything we do or don’t do – accumulate.
Just as our decision-making, and thus personality. As from the starting point one relies to the decisions, consequences and then how judged them in terms of their priority of interest(feeling good, being right for self or others too), thus behavior, habits, personality patterns form, crystallize and automatize.
Of course, most of the justifications are around the points of self-dishonesties, but within the context of making those decisions, ‘logical process’ – they seem totally reasonable, because one acted upon those already, many times.

“Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it”

But usually people do.

I rather not generalize, but I can recognize this pattern within myself – thus it’s my responsibility to decompose, forgive for accepting and allowing and to see the specific trigger points, thus when next time about to manifest, I can see the predictable outcome if I don’t stop/change based on acknowledging what I already accepted and allowed – and thus to really stop and change.

And if anyone else recognizes this pattern within themselves, this might be an example or encouragement of why or how to support oneself to stop and change patterns within one’s behavior to expand, grow and live.

In this – I recognize that doubt-based resistances to break through with accumulating frustration is not supporting consistent expansion and creation, movement and direction, because as long as emotion/reaction-based energy is part of the equation, I am subjected to, dependent on, compromised by that relationship to that specific word-based trigger point, what should be identified honestly and understand within absolute specificity. So better to have decision, direction, commitment and principle and focus on manifesting clarity with self-communication, self-honesty and practical understanding.

Such as my point of decomposing, forgiving and letting go defining enjoyment within perfection only. Meaning perfection not with and as self as self-honesty, but trying to perfect the experience and the judgement of the relationships I form with things/people. That’s a trap. Just as naming it as inspiration for instance.

A tiny example: I re-started to learn Spanish guitar play – starting with basic techniques, such as ‘andalusian cadence’ – and it progresses alright as practicing every day a little. I am aware of what I want to do, be able to do, so it’s obvious what to do and kind of how.

And then last night found a player on youtube, who plays devilishly great – in my judgement – Tom Ward, playing Liszt Ferenc Hungarian Rhapsody 2 with ‘perfection’ in technique, effortlessness and passion – and I was like – this is the level I desire to reach – and the whole expression of his is very personal and unique and specific – the desire was within this perceived perfection. And I was immediately distracted with this desire, and from that point, my basic practices seemed soooooo far from where he is already at – and I defined this as inspiration – although it’s – if using it to my own process – distraction from the original experience of frustration accumulating during practicing a new thing.

I had lot of judgments before about this, such as ‘it’s useless skill, it’s just self-interest’, why not learn economy, or something to make more money with, or doing something for others, or creating something what helps solving problems in the world.

And then what I reasoned with is that no matter what I do, I always face myself within it, thus to expand, does not matter what it is, but the self-honesty within that process is what matters. Well, obviously in the context of equality and principle of do onto others what I would like to receive, based on the fact that this existence is a closed system, thus what goes around, comes around, even if not seeing the patterns due to complexity.

So what I concluded with was that I do the things I must do, and prioritize, and based on that it looks like doing this for some minutes per day is fine and I can learn and apply a lot of points I have already realized within walking Process, and also discover – and then share new, emerging points as well.

Also what is being revealed is that am I using learning guitar to distract myself from something else, with experiences, enthusiasm feelings, frustrations, resistances and walkthrough…

As for me – mountain climbing, when about to climb the Everest, even by risking my and others life – seems absolutely dumb, no doubt – and when I say that I can understand why people would want to acclaim that – what I really say is that – my justification self accepts and respects their justification self.

Of course, I do not want to be judged, so I shall not judge others either – which is also self-dishonest, based on having the starting point of an initial judgement, of ‘not to be judged by me doing this or that’, because I actually and already judge myself about it.

It’s tricky – and one would even consider that this whole article seems crazy and kind of insane – except that as I write it, as I see these to unfold in front of me – I breathe, I see, and I realize points to understand and if necessary: change and stop.

To just finish the example point about guitar – since years I have this aim/goal to play certain type of music with guitar, yet always starting, then stopping, then later re-starting, then stopping again – so it’s not consistent. And my justification was that ‘it’s not priority’ – and certainly it is not, it’s rather a hobby, a way to relax and enjoy.
And to recognize that, that it’s alright to not take this seriously can also come from self-communication and self-agreement. In this reflection – what I worded – effortlessness, passion, precise technique – and voila – it’s already much more tangible, doable – to focus on teaching myself – or unlearning patterns to allow myself to grow like that…In this sense, it’s not just about what I need to do, but also undo – as natural learning ability is the greatest.

IF – there is no self-dishonest justification and energetic mind accumulation in-between self and living. But if there is, then that is self-dishonesty and I want or not, if I accept this pattern within this ‘not priority’ aspect of myself, I might accept and live out within other, ‘priority’ aspect of myself too, thus discipline and principled living is suggested within all aspects of self.

As an excuse can be easily accepted by – this is not important – this moment is less relevant, now I can accept some little white lie, while in more important moments I can play the holy man – and voila – we are at the spiritual religious self-fuckery state, where one separates things, experiences, oneself based on ways to justify self-interest.

Meanwhile, in reality, all moments, breathe in and out, opportunity to be self-honest here in and as the physical body, in and as the physical reality – all are equal. No more holy, divine moments, people or actions – obviously, sometimes one has to have more attention, like while driving, but this type of justification can lead to some serious self-dishonesty.

Such as – I do not have to be self-honest while just killing all those pests, animals in my house – as now I can just kill the mofos with rigid ruthlessness, instead of considering why they are here, what I did what lead this to happen, can I see the bigger picture, is there any way to deal with this.

Or typical – to allow crazy, even abusive thoughts to run around – smile at someone while thinking that ‘what an a$$h0le’ – as believing that what I think is less holy than what I actually do: smiling as that is good, but while in fact having this resentment.

That’s why there is no middleground with self-honesty – and it is extremely difficult to never fall – but in the same way it’s very simple to allow myself to be intimate with myself to really see – am I dishonest, even just a little bit about anything or not.

This I wanted to pronounce about my starting point of doubt and worry to do something if not perfect, because the only way to really learn and grow, to expand is by mistakes – and in theory I can be master of myself, my mind, but if I do not even move I will not see what I still miss, thus not taken into consideration to actual, practical, real understanding, thus will not be able to change.

Each moments are equal, so if I am really good to not fall into a self-dishonest pattern in the day’s 99.99%, but in the remaining 0.01%, certainly and always – then the judgment of ‘mostly I am great’ does not mean much if there is always a cyclic point of ‘then always falling into this inevitably’, as it just restarts the cycle of not changing, and thus need to broaden the understanding the whole multidimensional dynamics of my participation and experiences, reactions and thoughts/feelings/emotions in that particular physical timeline.

That’s where Desteni I Process Pro online course is the greatest assistance by the Mind Constructs technique – to write down the actual timeline of what happened, also adding what I experienced, thought, all the patterns, building blocks of my participation and correlate to reality, within self-honesty – so then I clearly can discover all the patterns I live by, so then there can no remain any justification or excuse, because all is in front of me, thus can assist and support myself with change.

And that is what the greatest potential and power in existence, really – as we can accept ourselves as flawed, tainted, scarred, limited and handicapped – or we learn and grow out of those, one by one – with support, assistance and actual enjoyment of self-liberation, which undoubtedly accumulates to all existence as the whole is nothing but all it’s parts together.

Day 375 – Being a nice guy fear

P1020130From my last post, walking this with Self-forgiveness – the universe’s greatest support as it’s about becoming aware of patterns I accepted and taking responsibility for stop participating by understanding the specificity of how I behave automatically and within that I get a chance to see the pattern before doing it and thus being able to say – I did this and realized that it’s not the best, let’s just stop acting this out and see what’s possible besides this particular pattern….

I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me. There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the nice guy in order to not have resistance in the world by being liked, accepted, respected simply by the judgments I made about the things I focus doing based on I believing those to be good and nice, thus hoping that others judge those – and thus me – also as good and nice.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to question why need to want to be good and nice, and something I want to be recognized as, but with common sense it literally tells that in fact, I am not good, but I have to act as in order to be seem as good and within that not considering how I define, perceive and experience myself in terms of my polarity definition of good and bad and why.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I define and feel, experience and judge myself as not being good enough and not being specific on what good here means and thus automatically and vaguely allowing associations to various points without being aware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not specified for myself when I fall into the fear of ‘not being good enough’ of what I really mean, and why, and thus creating an overall feeling, a reaction, an energetic mind-state, which I do not admit how much influences and stimulates me to activate certain personality patterns, such as doubt, worry, anxiety, fear and paranoia.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the not good enough pattern originates from mixing up and bouncing back and forth between ‘wanting to be better’ and ‘fearing to be wrong’ without specificty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of purifying my mind, associations and reactions to the word ‘GOOD’ and within that to admit that it only refers to what it is my interest currently without stability, understanding and consistency, but being automatically driven by the context, the inner set and outer settings I allow to be determined by preprogrammings I do not admit, want to realize or being completely unaware of.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being BAD, meaning selfish, evil, not effective, not helpful, not compassionate, not considerate and benevolent, and within each action fearing to do something wrong, causing irreversible consequences I can’t fix but would stay and define, determine my remaining existence, thus always trying to analyse and virtualize, model and simulate causes and effects by my limited thoughts, feelings and emotions, and within that not realizing that with the starting point of fear, the complete preoccupation within the mind-participation what I manifest is that I am not present, I am reactive, not directive and thus I focus to create what I wish to avoid by giving creation to what I focus to, which is here is what I am afraid of.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the effective use of my mind by considering options within clear presence, meaning no reactions, no running thoughts, but simply look at things, understanding and considering, but definitely not accumulate worry and frustration, emotional charges and fear.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to recognize the self-deception and self-sabotage within participating in ANY pattern of ‘fear of not being good, good enough’ and within recognition of it, immediately taking the initiative movement and direction to STOP doing it and focusing to what’s here, what I can do and how I should do it to support direct action.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use my observations constructively within development and expansion by allowing fear to be the starting point and not realizing the simplicity to stop and re-align with written, spoken and living words.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not raise my voice, then I am considered as a nice guy, and within that desiring to be judged by others as nice, which if I really look at is not a real descriptive word, but a ‘feeling’, being subjective, and also part of a polarity system of nice – not nice/ugly, wherein wanting to be seem as nice exposes the experience or fear of being not nice/ugly/bad.
  • I forgive myself that I have judged, defined and categorized myself as not nice, not being good enough and in general not being capable enough within the comparison patterns I allow to run freely in my mind, feeding by my initial doubt and insecurity experience in the world and not being honest with myself of being afraid to be rejected, excluded and disregarded by others within the fear that I can’t live, stand and expand alone by myself and within that not trusting myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted to myself that I do not fully trust myself always, unconditionally, because of the memories I remember and fall back to react to of when I was giving up, giving in and not pushing through resistances and fears, allowing myself to be defined by fear and my perceived weaknesses and allowing this fear to become norm and being triggered at challenging situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have not admitted that how I deal with challenges, resistances and problematic situations is that I have an initial experience of polarity within feeling or emotion, fed by thought patterns, which create a state of energetic experience and consciously trying to overcome it by stimulating and manipulating myself to accumulate the opposite experiences I originally accept and allow, for resistances to get obsessed by a desire to break and fight through.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I created the perfect prison for myself by the self-balancing artificial intelligence of my mind consciousness system, as always working in polarities of good and bad, positive and negative and accepting to have auto-activating patterns to each situation I experience, wherein always striving to acclaim neutral states from polarity extremes, but always and only in the confinement of those energetic polarity frequency domains, thus never be really free.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that direct self-expression and self-trust to develop and accumulate only can be manifested by decomposing all the patterns of my mind and to see what is real and fact on the physical reality level and where I go into delusion and self-dishonesty and to stop participating within those patterns by applying self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to assist and support myself to live the change directly in the moments of participation.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppressed anger I experience is because I omit to live the opportunities I see and go through by worry and fear, and within that judging myself as bad – thus reinforcing the whole ‘want to be good’ pattern even more, instead of letting go the anger, the doubt and focus to what’s here in front of me, at my physical location, on my awareness level to take responsibility for and realizing that consideration can be applied in the principle of what is best for all participants to support structuring, planning, directing and living my expression without accepting doubt within what I do – or if doubt seems unstoppable, to decompose it as it’s a pattern and to plan even further to focus on what’s practical common sense to do, or ask for assistance from others if applicable.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any and all anger I experience towards anything or anyone is ALWAYS towards and in relation to myself as anger in it’s true form exposes powerlessness and fear, thus that is the key part to focus to within any anger-triggering situation and to prevent myself to fall into exerting it towards myself or others.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my exerting anger aspect as ‘tamed beast’ and wanting to control it by self-manipulation and suppression and not realizing that what I suppress is also myself and a potential to grow and for that I always will create more friction, more resistance, desire and fight within myself, which literally takes away my freedom and honesty.

So, this is a start, more to come – in the meantime also focusing on becoming aware of patterns when ‘falling over to the other side’ – as from doubtful, insecure to become blunt and overconfident, but as mentioned before, that is also a form of polarity fight within, and within that aspect, manifests as a total denial and sabotage of any true and honest self-expression.

Day 374 – Dream interpretation – raising my voice

P1010833I had a dream in the morning.
This was like a campus versus farm versus castle. Relatable to Desteni farm and my university and even high school. Obviously as a place where I learn and grow.

There was dinner time and I was helping with serving. There were MANY plates to fill and I was wondering about that this eventually should be automatized as it’s very honorable thing to do but takes so much time. I became aware of that I have my high school friends around the vicinity, so I decided to visit them after finishing with serving the food.
I remember walking and hurrying for more and more plates and putting fresh and warm food onto many plates and then it just fades away. It took so long that I think I fell asleep or something like that. It was like in a movie with a fade to black scenery change.

I wake up, no one is around(looks like I am in a castle’s kitchen), there is no more food left; I am not hungry in particular, but still, the thought occurs to me by habit that could have been better if have eaten but then fully clarifying to myself, it’s completely alright.
Also just became aware of that Bernard (Mr Poolman) is in the main building. I remind myself that I have to see my friends as it’s cool opportunity that they are here, and I go to see Bernard and the others. By the others here I mean other of my friends from the Desteni group or farm.
On my way to the main place, I wonder that why some people are(were – he has passed away) so afraid from Bernard, and by looking into me I see some shit(self-dishonesty still accepted), but no resistance or worry I see about meeting him, rather a cheer up, excitement and curiosity.

I find the group near a sort of podium, looks like some time ago a statue must have been standing there, but now there are people sitting comfortably and discussing with Bernard. I see his bald head from distance and I look around to see if there is some edible dinner and no, it’s fine – and I approach them with firm steps. I find myself lucky(in the dream, in reality more like honored) to know these people.
And then I wake up.

Sort of like this was the dream. It’s clear to me what it means, supports me with, just reflecting back to the whole idea of ‘fear of Bernard’. I know some people who were so scared and overwhelmed, when they met or talked with him.

And of course, they were not really afraid of him, because he did not harm anyone, however he was able to see self-dishonesty within one and support them to realize for themselves – and for some this meant gentle, even humorous talk, such as with me, but with some he shouted and used sharp words to get through the shell of their conviction, delusion or justification. He did not really care of his image, always felt like he is on edge just the right amount to be able to make others understand what he saw.

This is certainly debatable as why to be ever harsh or blunt, loud or uncomfortable for anyone?

I remember, when once he told me in the farm’s kitchen that he wants to hear me shout, my voice to be loud and heard, as I am not expressing myself, just being the quiet nice guy all the time while having these realizations yet not acting out in relation to the world.

It is still a point to be lived and this post is dedicated to substantiate the realizations I see already and to see what is to be still to understand and prepare in support for living potentials without resistance or fear.

Let’s it to be an opener for now with a list of related points and then free form of ranting and raving(it’s a technique to serialize the mind to see it in front of me):

  • I almost always used to be a nice guy, someone to be liked or respected, but that was never true me.
  • There is suppressed anger and desires what can be exerted if really poked around, ‘better keep the animal tamed’.
  • If there is any doubt and I act upon some serious direct power expression, such as shouting with purpose, I should be absolutely right about it, otherwise I would (further) undermine my self-trust.
  • What if I am being resisted to, challenged or dominated down, then I also would feel split between, like acting, instead of being certain and powerful.
  • If I wait enough, there is usually someone who takes the charge, even if I will not totally agree with their method and way of dealing with a situation I am part of it – I can always justify that I decided to wait, if it would be really important, I could have acted upon.

Based on these points I see within – they are not really present, or not always, but within brutal self-honesty I can see signs of these could appear in my mind and thus could be triggered – therefore I could be influenced by these patterns – so these can be referred as self-allowed and accepted vulnerability of self-dishonesty.

That’s actually supportive to admit, to face and prevent myself acting upon self-dishonesty within description of specificity.


  • Need to be appreciated, liked, trusted, respected – lack of self-appreciation, self-trust, self-love.
  • Need to be absolutely sure – doubt within starting point, details of behavior.
  • Fear of being resisted, challenged, dominated – inferiority, fear of loss, fear of fear.
  • Justifying accepting resistances and waiting for others to do what I clearly see that I could do myself.

I see self-dishonesty everywhere – within myself, but within others as well – for a while it was really challenging not to focus to other’s bullshit, but the fact is if I am really falling into someone’s self-dishonesty to focus into, probably there is something at my door already, what I should focus to first to deal with.
I used to be spiritual, buddhist and so lost in my deluded ass benevolent enlightenment ideas that it was tough to wake up from that, but there was no other way, I was clearly seeing that this is not living.
And once I stopped participating in spiritual agenda, thinking, feeling and patterning, I kept judging all of those still doing so, because I already saw that they are full of crap, just like I was, but I was merely just a little bit out from my shit, so I could take a breath here and there.
When I started to really work with self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements to stop the patterns, the more I let go those patterns, the less I was focusing to others, and the less I was focusing to others, the more I was able to stop my own self-dishonesty.

Same was with alcohol or drugs for instance. It’s so cool to not rely to those, the experiences, the rituals and justifications.
Nowadays I can go to a bar, a party, where many people are literally wasted, high or low, I do not judge them, certainly have my comprehension of what they do and what consequence they seem to create with it, but SELF FIRST is key.

I spent about a decade to mimic to put myself last, but in fact never, and once tried to do so, it was obvious that it is just nonsense. I was about to save the world, yet I could not even save myself from becoming frustrated if I went to a mall with full of people or could not keep my temper when I was annoyed by my girlfriends honesty. Yet, saving the world, lot of crap.

So. Raising my voice is not about me being right or me not being sure if I am right or not. It’s about being able to see what’s here, to be open and honest with myself to see if I am acting upon fear or emotion or I am capable of considering all participants and factors equally within principle.

Speaking facts, exposing dishonesty and abuse starts with self and it naturally flows into embracing our reality, including others as well. If there is anything, anything moves me, it’s not me, it’s a system, thus my responsibility to comprehend, decompose and stop, forgive and let go and take direction within awareness of consequence.

I see that it’s fine to go out with others and focusing on only ‘my purity’ in terms of remaining sober, not to fall into big emotional waves, becoming obsessed with thought patterns, and thinking it is enough, ‘I’ve done my part’ – while the whole world gone mad. Bringing change by living as an example is one thing, but when I am presented with opportunity to communicate, connect and share, stand up for life or accumulate doing something towards what’s best for all, there is no choice, or if there is any, I am being self-dishonest.

But until I do not deal with my obviously visible points, I will not raise my voice – or otherwise I will create the consequence of being wrong. And if I fear being wrong, then I will not even try, so that’s another pattern I justify myself with.
Humans are simple, I am simple if I want to be, and if I see something complicated, not clear, that’s because I do not dare or want to see how things are.
So this is a reminder, if I do not raise my voice when it seems to be, if I always be the nice guy and wait – hope – for others to do the things I consider as probably the right thing, I will never find and realize my true potentials, and for that I will always accumulate frustration towards within myself. – > see, this is also a self-definition, another trap.

So afraid of manifesting consequence based on self-dishonest or deluded perceptions, thus not realizing that meanwhile I am already becoming the consequence of not even trying, it’s almost like giving up before even starting.

Seems quite crazy to write like this, but with the compass of self-honesty and structured process, it’s walk-able and can be transformed into responsible clarity.

If I dream about Bernard to tell me what to do – I already know what I should and want to change within myself, thus this symbol of him was actually myself – to approach and face myself and listen, understand and dare to challenge and change.

It’s this easy to find something to work on self. So, this dream reminded me that Bernard’s one sentence was spot on and how if I recall his words, I actually see what I am still in debt to myself to stand up to and start living as an obvious potential within myself.

What is also clear about the dream – or more likely I liked afterwards, that I chosen process first, friends second, going to meet Bernard, even if he would be direct or raw, challenging and very overwhelming sometimes, I always welcomed as he was support, and if anything he – or anyone say to me – would really hurt my feelings, that’s also supportive to realize the extent of self-delusion I accepted myself to exist within and how timely and common sense to start working on understanding, stopping and changing.

Thanks for reading, self-forgiveness will commence in the next post.

Until that, check out EQAFE and the new Destonians community site.