Day 293 – Driving self-correction reflection

img_4874Yesterday I wrote about going into reactions and losing presence, thus not breathing effectively, ‘properly’ within awareness here while driving and brought up the most relevant patterns I encounter on the road.

I was bringing up a lot of situations wherein I find it more common sense to not to react, not to take personally, not to lose direction and effective driving.

Today I was looking at what is changed in relation to driving since I wrote that yesterday, to further specify and accumulate the change I work on within myself.

In the morning I had at least three times when I was seeing that I would go into reaction, like ‘come on guys, go faster now’ or ‘what the hell you are doing?’ when some other driver does an unusual, illegal or even dangerous move on the road. Also something I’ve noticed is that there is a computer game I’ve played recently, a shooter, wherein I fight hordes of demons and when they injure you, the character I control shouts like ‘Motherf**ker!’ with a specific, angry, hurt tone and it was quite automatic that I said that word once today in relation to a car’s move in front of me. Well it’s kind of funny, nothing serious, but I see that this is related to judgement to that person, and behind that it’s a judgement within myself towards something I did not want to see then: that what the person did surprised me, did not like for some reason I also was not aware of, such as feeling like I have to slow down, I have to avert his car for instance.

Well, it’s nothing serious here, but when going upwards on a big hill, I have to slow down, shift down, use the clutch, the brake, the gearshift, maybe not just once, but 2-3 times, then also involving e-brake(handbrake). Well, it’s quite natural movement to do so, I do not need to think about it to execute it, so it should not be problem, but at times still being annoyed by.

Also I drive a diesel car, which warms up a bit slower than a petrol one; thus often, in the mornings, when I climb up the hill in the city through heavy traffic, I should be gentle with the engine until it’s warmed up properly, but sometimes it feels like all these stops and starts while maintaining the fluidity of the traffic, it’s just sometimes seems uncool to the car too.

Well, probably it’s not a huge problem, but in an ideal world, sometimes I’d be more gentle with the car until it’s totally warmed up engine-wise.

Also, there is this expectation that as I leave home quite late, there should be no heavy traffic anymore, but sometimes is, there can be an accident, roadwork, some really slow vehicles, indeed an old and/or slow dude/dudette is driving at front,  whatever; so all of these can still feel like influencing my direction by giving into judgments and reactions, which I see necessary to further specify, stop, forgive and transcend. Just a note to self.

Again: nothing serious, probably I could be perceived as already/still below than an average/most of the car driver human’s reaction, but here we deal with self-honesty and self-perfection in terms of decomposing, stopping and transcending all the patterns of self-dishonesty and self-limitation, so let’s keep specifying.

Backwards, at night, when I drove home, I had a passenger, and when I was talking with him, some of my attention was ‘with him’ and I did not judge that much about the road conditions, rather was observing the situation and handling accordingly.

I also have to share that there were also several times when I was able to become aware of this pattern of going into judgement and I was able to say ‘NO’ and re-align immediately to focus to driving itself without going into judgement and reaction.

Well, I could go into much-much more details on what is happening on my daily driving, such as there is only one lane on most of the mountain road part and there are buses and it’s kind of obligatory to support the bus to come out from it’s stop and that also means I have to slow down, even stop sometimes, and then follow the slow bus behind for a while and just this, predictable, all the time happening re-occurring event what can bring up in terms of me reacting to this and and other drivers behavior.

Or even there are some tight time-windows from specific green lights to be able to go through another before getting the red light, and some of those red lights are quite long, like 1-2 minutes too, and if those add together, I can literally get to my destination 8-15 minutes later. This itself does not justify to speed, but certainly adds to the actual practical knowledge of when to push the gas a bit harder and when it’s completely useless. And even prior to this knowledge, not to be overconfident and expect the best outcome and then get frustrated when it does not play out like that.

I go into details to just demonstrate that specificity matters and within any every day re-occurring event, activity or interaction within the ‘system’ one can use it as an opportunity to get to know thyself further, to discover self-limitation, self-dishonesty and to find their reasons, how those are being re-and recreated at what trigger points to empower oneself to be able to stop those patterns. There is no such moment when one should waste not to apply self-honesty, or if still existing such perception/belief, that should be also investigated and stopped with the same tools applied here.

It does not need to be perceived as completely wasted times, when for instance getting that 2 minutes red light, and just because there was a slow truck carrying glass windows that I should become frustrated. It’s actually quite silly and foolish, especially if this happens every day, all the time. I can go through all my presence, mind, body, beingness in that 1-2 minutes, to see if there is built up tension, pressure, thought-pattern, worry, desire, and I can enjoy breathing and re-aligning with real self here in physical reality.

And another point I want to bring up – is that often the source, origin of ‘moody’ behavior is not even regards to driving and traffic exclusively, but also what’s influencing me in that morning, like what thoughts, problems, emotions I experience and why.

For instance I will have a random amount of bill soon and if I go into worry of not being able to pay for it and at the same time to afford to buy firewood for the winter, to pay for dentist, to buy enough food and also to travel to family and support them and in the meantime considering everything and to be also become frustrated by each and accumulating that during a simple morning shower – well, it’s also not unusual for an ordinary human to get ‘worked up’ before even getting dressed or sitting into the car, stepping up to the bus, arriving at work, etc.

That’s why it’s essential to invest time and effort to work with our mind, our thoughts, reactions, patterns, personality manifestations + at the same time to develop body and physical presence awareness, real intimacy with being here, ‘bodywork’, giving the time and space to slow down within and to find little moments of pure self-expression without any fear or desire, past or future.

I also could already move ahead with another point and leaving this driving point behind by stating, well, I’ve wrote stuff about it, became aware of quite several patterns of it, I am DONE, NEXT.

It’s also quite supporting to stick to a point and walk it through until it’s really-really owned, meaning I am clear, directive, nothing moves me, I am here, this is who I am.

Well, it’s a process in terms of driving, but I just commit here to continue investigating, decomposing, correcting, forgiving myself until I am naturally present without any reaction. I do not know when that would occur, maybe never, but it does not matter, this is what’s here today, that’s where I am directing myself towards: to discover more patterns, to stop I am already being aware of and keep expressing, exploring, sharing and living.

One last point – reflecting back to the apparently less related point of ‘motherf**ker’ remark I did – this also can open up a whole lot of dimensions of self-identification, like ‘what’s cool’ and why seems to be cool and awesome to curse, what it feels like, what I experience gaining, but when walking a point, a dimension, a pattern, most of the time overlapping, another points will come up and although it’s great to note them, but not to be distracted by, jumped over – except when it seems common sense to open up, and work through that aspect first in order to continue working through the current point I walk through.

The ‘everything is interconnected’ is never a worn-out phrase here – if I ‘work’ on driving, it does not mean I would not get, develop, manifest, substantiate insights, realizations, practical and effective self-correction ‘spreading’ to another aspects of my life. Patience is a decision, which can accumulate into self-trust, self-direction, discipline, what obviously can be applied at all aspects of life. That’s why it’s also common sense to walk through a point really, because often cannot be foreseen what benefits I might manifest, until I really am clear of any reactions in regarding to that point/aspect/scenario.

Again – that’s why writing is extremely supportive here – written word remains, I do not think about it, so my head can become clear, and it’s in front of me, and remains so, therefore I can return to it, continue with it, this is really awesome.

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 292 – Driving self-correction to breathe

img_0449I continue with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points I’ve opened up in the last post.

It’s such a journey to discover a whole existence hidden within and the more resistances, excuses and reactions I experience in relation to a point, it’s just more obvious that there is pre-conditioning, self-limitation and self-delusion I carry and automatically live out with that.

I’ve described 7 points previously, and it does not cover the whole spectrum, but I just start walking through one and see what comes up within self-honesty and correction.

“Driving the car through something I am uncertain about, while I do not feel 100% in direction”

As I drive quite some time almost every day, this is good to continue with.

It’s so obvious immediately – to slow down to the point of re-gain direction – of course there are situations wherein I should not make big speed changes all of a sudden, like in heavy traffic, because others also have to anticipate that, but why would I not slow down or go too fast into situations I do not direct with clarity and self-trust?

What it is what makes me believe that faster is better? Why feeling not good enough when moving slowly but surely? What it is what this thrill, this overwhelming excitement, anxiety I feel like getting?
What memories, reactions come up while driving what can relate to fear, failure, mistakes?

There is this perception and belief that the more fast and agile I drive, the better I am, the more respectable, professional, serious I might seem, which I desire and at the same time I work on the skills to ‘get there’, but in the meantime I can go into this mind-game of ‘wanting to feel’ that way.
Also often I encounter with other drivers who tend to rush through traffic. This can also have an influence on me, like ‘picking up their pace’.

Actually it’s not always a great tactic, especially if I observe taxi drivers on how they move through the city. People often rush – accelerate hard, and then, what a surprise: break hard too at the next red light. Unless I really-really, almost insanely blaze/storm on the road, well, put it frankly: aggressively, most of the time I do not get to my destination really sooner. It might ‘FEELS’ like, but actually, it’s about 2-4 minutes mostly, which is negligible on an hour drive and for that to risk, to annoy, to ‘work that hard’ is highly illogical.
It’s also supporting to apply self-forgiveness on this point to take responsibility and substantiate the decision to admit that it is self-dishonesty to rush but rather to plan ahead and be more smart and aware of the traffic system is actually more effective, thus it’s time to stop this influence of thrill and energetic charge.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more fast I can maintain car control, safety and agility, the more I am valuable, professional, serious, respectable and thus making it conditioned how I feel about myself and also to project this idea to what others might think of me or how they would judge me if I would act in relation to this judgement polarity dimension of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ and not realizing that it’s all just self-conviction and preoccupation in the mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the moment I go into mind-games with what I feel based on definitions and opinions, how others might judge and feel about me – the very moment I start to participate in this, I am abandoning self-direction here, giving up presence which is actually the key to be able to be directive, effective, responsible, thus I realize that I have to stop fantasizing and start planning, deciding and working on points I want to become, represent, express and live here for instance: develop planning and driving skills and stop doubting myself and wanting to overcome by that with extra speed.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that I’ve defined that it’s good if others would judge me as positive, valuable, respectable, because that would give me power by allowing my self-definition to be believed based on what others think/say about me and to define who I am and how I am according to that, meanwhile not admitting that this only can happen as if I am not aware of who I really am and what it is what value I represent here.

I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to acknowledge the fact that I accepted myself not to be respected, trusted and this acceptance have been accumulated by the days, months, years and along the path I’ve identified myself as this acceptance of actually giving up on myself and wanting to compensate to at least ‘feel’ that way, and not realizing that the very action to participate, re-generate and experience such feeling is a wasted effort and that also could have been directed into actual expression, and real and physical change if I would not have given up on myself and not even realizing this giving up, because that would also open up a lot of another reactions and points to deal with, what I’ve defined I can’t deal with, don’t want to face, afraid to acknowledge too.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define that it’s overwhelming and unbearable to see how many self-dishonesty points I’ve allowed, manifested and became along the way in this existence and not wanting to see, because of the belief and fear that I would feel really shocked, wrecked, ruined and within that fear I do not realize that I enslave myself and have been exactly manifested that by accepting self-limitation and fear, therefore I have to expose all my resistances, suppressions and lies and give up everything I fear losing by the realization and embracing of all the hurt, pain I wanted to evade by not being honest with myself and at the same time with this active process of revealing action, also to keep focusing and disciplining myself to remain here, empty headed, directive and push through all of this one breath at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression of energy, emotions and fear is not going to last and everything I do not want to see and experience is still here, in and as the physical body, which is awareness, but if I am not aware of IT, then that means I am not really aware of myself, therefore what I am aware of is not me, not real, it’s a facade, a delusion, which then I can realize and let go of with writing down the patterns, the relationships, the words to see everything in front of me without going into reactions, judgements, thought-chains get distracted by and overwhelmed with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if others see that I slow down with the car when I would feel more safe and appropriate, for instance the one coming behind me, then they would think that I am a rookie, a weak, a fool and in these cases rather focusing to my speed, and to avoid the other’s judgement, which is completely imagined, as I can’t hear, can’t listen what the other think behind me and even if they would think such thing, that’s them, and my responsibility is within my presence, with my car to maintain responsible and effective driving with my utmost potential I can live.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the exact same point when I start to judge someone in front of me who goes slower than me and start judging them without being aware of all the factors manifesting the actual speed of that car, and me going into judgement or to avert my judgement into a more accepted way, to imagine and have reasons why the other is slower, but still judge them in a way that I would think it’s not offensive and reactive, but within self-honesty it’s still judgement, based on the fact that I lost my presence in that moment when going into separation, reaction, judgement, what is at it’s core is fear, what I do not want to see, understand, realize.

I forgive myself that I have not realized, named, worded the exact fear I experience when I feel, automatically being self-defined that I am blocked, slowed down, limited with the one in front of me in the traffic, which can be the fear of ‘losing or wasting time’, the unstoppable automatic judgement of ‘going too slow with this great car, frustrating, because I justify it with all the money/effort I’ve invested into this car/ability to go faster, but at this moment I can’t’, so in this moment I go into blame, projection, because I am accepted myself to being defined by how fast I can go, because without it I would not feel myself to be who I perceive myself to be, thus it’s a ‘micro-identity-crisis’, which is annoying, what I do not want to face, realize, also, because I never stood up to this point before.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the same point played out to two directions, when I judge somebody going slower than I would want to go and also when I would think I am the one making somebody slower, so then they would think and feel similarly as I feel when I follow someone I’d judge as too slow, and that’s why wanting to avoid to go slowly and wanting to go fast, faster to not get into the situation of being judged to be too slow by myself of by others, but in fact eventually always being self-defined by myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the situation of someone going slower in front of me would or should define how I feel and thus who I am instead of realizing that I decide who I am and if I am actually accepting self-automation to decide how I feel according to situations and others, then in fact I am the responsible how I feel, be and express myself, therefore it’s common sense to decompose and stop the patterns of self-definitions step by step until I am simply here within direction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that on public roads it’s not about who can go faster or more agile, responsive, but it’s about what’s best for all participants, such as first safety and then effectiveness and also to accept that there are people who don’t care, who has no such dedication to drive great or they are under pressure, illness, age and many factors and even if I would believe, think, judge that ‘then they should not drive’ – at this moment they do, so we have to deal with it, thus this is from where we have to support the best outcome, and to get reactive is definitely not that, therefore recognizing the self-empowerment here to keep my presence, cool and direction consistent, that is my first responsibility, by which I can support actively the best outcome for all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how others judge me is not who I am, and if someone would feel that I make them going slower than they would like to/could go, then that’s their point of responsibility to be aware of and not get possessed by to the point of losing direction, safety and awareness, especially with the self-recognition here of that I do not want others to be blocked, slowed down deliberately, so I recognize the point of I should and have to trust myself completely and to recognize and let go everything what blocks me within that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that breath within driving is equally important as within everything else, therefore I commit myself to keep myself being aware of the breath here and direct myself as driving through and as the living expression of breathing, meaning I do not put thoughts, emotions between the driving and myself, thus I am more connected and become presence here.

img_0292When and as I see, sense, feel, define that someone is at my tail really close while driving I recognize the tendency that I can go into annoyance, worry or doubt, which I prevent myself going into by breathing here and focusing to maintain presence, direction and driving responsibly and to see if I can support the other to give space and opportunity to go faster by also considering the ones in front of/near to me if there are.

When and as I feel like I am being slowed down by someone in front of me, I recognize the tendency to react and go into annoyance, frustration and limitation and I breathe and I realize that actually it does not matter why this is happening, does not matter who is the person in front of me, but what matters is to remain calm, directive, effective, responsible and meanwhile to see if I can take over within safety and if not 110% sure, meaning even if something would happen what not being anticipated, still would come out within safety, and still I can foresee the taking over being able to be done, then I do so, otherwise, I relax, remain aware of the others, the road and look for better opportunity.

When and as I feel like a tension building up within me because of the cars behind me or the cars in front of me, I let everything of my mind go, I breathe within presence, I maintain direction, effective responsibility and assess the situation to see what could be better if possible and if not, then still be present and to realize that I only go into reactions if I believe those are real and I give up breathing, which means I give into the fear, which means I have to investigate, write down and forgive the point specifically and to re-align to breathing, allow the inbreath and holding, outbreath and holding to be natural, not forced.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I believe that I have to be always better on the road ‘against’ others, that means I am not satisfied with myself, regardless of anyone, anything outside of me, because it’s about my own relationship with me, within me, as me, thus the friction created within should be named, worded, investigated as I am split within, one part judging another, polarity, fear, and it’s highly ineffective, as at the moment I judge, I became observer, from participant, and that creates a lag, a latency, an extra ‘layer’/’dimension’.

When and as I feel that I go too fast with the car and I am not fully being certain that I direct the car within safety and effectiveness, then I stop reacting to this with the thrilling experience, I firmly and safely slow down, pull my foot from the throttle, I apply break if necessary or I shift down to use the engine break to the point of being certain that I can drive safely and effectively and in case of emergency break or outmanoeuvring, I can execute it within calm, effective manner.

When and as I feel resisting to slow down, to leave ‘space’ in front of the car I follow, but it is the common sense according to safety, then I breathe, in and out, I trust myself and I push through this resistance as recognizing, safety is first and become aware of how I would ‘feel’ if someone would tailgate me, and even to realize that maybe the person could become reactive, then lose presence, then causing more chance to make mistakes and cause accident, which then I am also responsible too.

When and as I would worry if I would give too much space in front of me while following another car for safety reasons that another car from another lane would go in there, thus taking me over, as I am already aware of this: it is completely alright and I can let my foot off from the throttle for a moment to again create the minimal following distance for safety without any reaction/thought.

When and as I go in the most inner lane on the highway and see that the car in front of me does not go fast enough for the speed I want to proceed with, he/she does not give the lane to me and the lane at it’s right is free for him/her to move away to give me opportunity to proceed, I do not react, I do breathe, I remain directive and look for options what is common sense and prevent myself going into annoyance and if I feel adequate, I use the lights to make the another aware the driving rules of ‘inner lane is only for taking over’ – without tailgating, without compromising the minimum safe distance. And if the other still disregards me and my obvious request, I still remain directive, calm and present and look for another opportunities. I recognize that it is key to always keep presence and direction and in the moment of I would ‘leave’ that, to leave ‘breath’, it is my utmost responsibility to re-align myself to be present, aware of the breath, the act of breathing without defining it and allowing a space within to trust myself as one and equal with what’s here, even if it means to give up my want to go faster.

When and as I believe that I can use tailgating in any way whatsoever to make the other feel that they should move away from ahead of me and give the lane to me, I realize that this is only a belief and not always common sense and rather to give signs with light than go too close or to reconsider my want to go faster is adequate or to change lane myself if that would give a better opportunity to safely go faster in another way.
Well, this looks like crazy detailing, why to write down such things, but one thing is certain – writing is power – and if this helps with changing, substantiating situational ‘screenwriting’, why not to apply it? It’s free, and in a way it’s a previsualization, a creative imagining for the next episode of my life, a considerate planning, while I am present, directive and responsible. Words are the bulding blocks of our reality, thus it’s actually great to decompose any limiting or abusing brick-walls and to build structure for actual support within self-honesty by also considering others equally too.

Just to ensure not to limit myself with the self-directive statements, not to accumulate self-interest, but rather to support change, stopping to follow polarity-based, reactional, self-dishonest, self-limiting patterns, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I drive every day, spending hours within traffic and as I move out from and into the center of the capital city, I encounter a lot of driving situations and it is crucial to be prepared, directive and responsible, thus it’s absolutely worthy to consider these points and to recognize if there is a pattern what requires to be re-written within me and my behaviour, then this technique is literally can assist with that.

Also I recognize that I drive a better car than average on the road in terms of agility and power and that also can support judgement, separation and even a feel of superiority, what must be recognized and let go.
Especially by considering that even if my car is quite safe, capable and powerful, there will always will be cars that are much less ‘great’ and probably much more great too in those three dimensions(safety, capability, power), thus if I judge something as ‘less than’, then I also will fall into the comparison to the another direction of this polarity game in the mind of ‘better than’, and then I allow these factors to influence, define, direct me.

This means, to consider the another car could be less safe than my car, therefore to avoid collision more responsively, or the another car also could be less capable or powerful, thus this can support to understand why the other is not driving that effectively, fast – and with this, also not to project out expectation towards cars and drivers to the other direction – such as if seeing a sportscar behind me, to believe that he/she is now being annoyed by me as not going super fast all the time just by these definitions, associations, reactions.
Of course, still notice, acknowledge, assess these informations, but not be the slave of it. This is pretty obvious, common sense at 99.99% of the cases, but also apply it at the cases when it’s more challenging.

Annoyance seems like acceptable if it feels like being triggered by someone or something else, but it is to recognize, it’s still me, only me, about me and if I believe that the person/situation is responsible for me to be annoyed/angry/reactive/emotionally compromising, then I keep projecting and I actually disempower myself from to see and do what I could in order to change myself/the situation to prevent such limitation and well, quite uncomfortable experience.

This means to always be able to question and answer – what I can do about this, what I can do for more safety and effectiveness?

This is where breath is assistance also – the more I am aware of the breath, the more I can be aware of the mind, it’s patterns too, then I can realize more or deeper self-dishonesty, how I participate in that, so then to see when, how and why I actually ‘go into’ at what trigger point and what is the consequence of it, and then I simply realize before repeating the pattern – I stop and change.

And the less mind patterns I chase in my head, the more I am undisturbed from being here, breathing presence, action into reality and then thus also understand more, trust myself more – so it’s apparently two sides of what I can do, but it’s actually the same.

Re-align to be present and also to recognize and decompose the patterns what is in the way to be here in and as the breathing flesh, as my human physical body.

This can be a way to support self and awareness, change and direction with writing.
Write yourself to freedom!

How to do that? Here is a free online course:

Day 291 – Breath Self-forgiveness

dsc_1010So Self-forgiveness here it is within the continuation of the previous post:

  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not be aware of when I do in-breathe more intensely than out-breathing, because believing that ‘taking a deep breath’ is what helps me to be here, present, stable, and not realizing that it’s not about the ‘breathed in’ amount of air, but the whole in-and out process, when sustained within presence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have the tendency and habit to go into reactions in my mind, and then resulting to suppress my breathing, to hold my breath back in order to try to stimulate and enhance presence and direction and not realizing that it’s not really working, but as it’s supporting the energetic experiences in my mind to be ‘more intensely’ be present and aware with energetic experience and then I allowed myself to believe that this is supportive.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the intensity I feel and defined to require to ‘become here‘ with the energetic experiences, reactions in the mind is the the manifested and accumulated consequence of my self-definition and identification as the mind which from there is a resistance to ‘get out‘, ‘get through‘, what I believed to require the energy for, what I then try to accumulate with reactions, anger, frustration, fear, and other self-manipulative automatic self-stimulations.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any anger and frustration I feel is actually the acknowledgement of that I am limiting myself and regardless of any type or target of my anger, it’s always towards me and what I do accept and allow in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I rely on solving, preventing anger and frustration to stop based on the subject, the target I try to control, avoid, manipulate, suppress, then I am actually akcnowledging the fact that I am powerless to stop what I do within myself in my mind, for what I’ve given permission to automatically judge, react, become angry and frustrated.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense and direct self-honesty within focusing to these points, conditions, experiences, frustrations, angers and reactions of breathing properly and to ensure it’s not compromised within any circumstances by realizing that less effective, present, directive and well I am when disregarding, suppressing, sabotaging my natural and full cycle of breathing process.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual support within any difficulty I face, experience and feel when deciding to breath normally, properly, fully, present here, because those are the tips of the icebergs I really have to open up, investigate and understand, and thus I can support myself with ‘learning’ breathing properly AND at the same time unlearning the reactions, the causes of those reactions within my mind based on the words and their realitionships, my relationship to those words I can reveal and decompose and apply self forgiveness to be aware of and prepare myself to be able to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is this energetic household within my mind what is being re-and regenerated with these reactions in order to always fuel and ‘lubricate’ my mind to be reactive and always ready to project, justify, judge, project out responsibility in order to keep within this reactive, preoccupied state.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is a personality what I’ve created upon this energetic reactive mind household to protect it’s existence, by justifying it with actual points of powerlessness, meaning why I should accept any emotional state what makes me off-balance in order to then find a balance point later and not realizing that by looking at the bigger picture, the whole cycle, I am actually enslaved of this mechanism and feeling up and down, never present, directive, really-really here.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to submit myself into these energetic cycles in order to gain this apparent ‘mind velocity intensity’, believing that it’s required to focus, to discipline what’s here, and not realizing that it’s actually a physical shock what is causing my natural breathing to flow, and my attention is on these energetic reactions, thus not realizing and not re-aligning my suppressed, sabotaged breathing in and as the flesh here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not committed myself to remember these situations and only relying to ‘awake’ within these situations when I already recognizing the pattern of suppressing breath and then working through, instead of ‘marking’ the specific, numbered amount of situations, conditions, when this can occur, so then I can be aware of the pattern BEFORE participating to ensure to PREVENT myself suppressing/disregarding the necessity to re-align with physical, effective breathing here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have allowed myself to lose presence and effective, self-honest breathing when I am becoming frustrated, angry, reactive, judgemental, emotional, and not realizing that the two supports each other, but not me here: the more I am emotional and reactive, the less I am aware of the breath here, and the more I am not aware of the breath here, the more I am becoming reactive, emotional and thus compromising breathing to the point of becoming unstable from the improper breathing and the overwhelming reactions as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical common sense within enlisting all of the points within my daily participation wherein I react to specific situations, words, images, experiences and thus always become reactive first, then realizing that I am within a pattern.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I am uncertain, stressed, tired, exhausted, judgmental and preoccupied, I am not supporting my human physical body to breath properly, thus creating friction within me, which then creates more reaction in my mind, then creating more friction, to more pre-occupied me to disregard physical presence awareness.
  • I forgive myself that I have not considered to give some moments to my presence, body, awareness here, right then, when I start experiencing reactions, and not realizing that the reason for it is because I’ve invested within the self-conviction, self-definition, self-judgement that this specific reaction I have to believe, follow, react to and not realizing it’s source, which is doubt, fear, uncertainty, instability.

So what I recognize as pattern is a some sort of spiritualization of breath, the self-separation from physical presence, instead of being participant, being an observer primarily, and then based on the reactions to observation, categorization, automatically reacting, and based on trigger points to these reactions starting to act, do, respond to reality. First of all, it’s late, because the moment is gone, and in the same moment I am interpreting, so when I ‘come out’ with the result of mind-process(thought, feeling, emotion), there is another moment. At times it’s ok, sometimes it’s obviously ‘slow’.

It’s actually a resonant fear, not to expose myself directly into reality, but through the shield of mind, the bubble of my interest of preserving the ideas and perceptions what I believe I could lose in case of direct experience of what’s here.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, categorize, actually totemize and praise the breathing to superimpose it to be more than what it is and not allowing myself to directly feel, and be the breath, but to react to my own definitions in relation to the act of breathing, which is actually an escape from reality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to investigate and word the exact specific point I am afraid from when I categorize, define, react to the ‘idea’ of breathing, and thus making myself believe of what it is and what I should feel and not standing up to the habit of categorization and let all go and just breathe, feel it, push myself to be in and as the body here.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood that the moment I react in my mind, I miss the moment here, and regardless of what I think, feel or react, that moment I missed completely.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear from losing who I perceive myself to be when I do not have shield, bubble, self-definition, protection in my mind, but to be vulnerable, open, direct here.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to program myself to avoid pain at all cost and mark all possible scenarios what could result in physical, emotional or mental pain and define my personality as who I am according to this pattern, habit and need of avoiding pain within the fear of it would change me and I would lose who I am what I am holding onto as perceiving that this definition of what I think of me is who I am and not realizing that it’s just data, what I convinced myself to identify myself with in the hope that this information can help me avoiding to lose what I believe having.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that in a way actually the only think I have is my human physical body, it’s breathing process and all I do with and as it as who I am, and if it’s compromised, sabotaged, suppressed in any way whatsoever, then no matter what more, else I perceive, define having, those are empty convictions in order to mesmerise and delude, hypnotize and deceive myself to be more than actually I am.
  • I commit myself to stand up to the fear and recognize that it’s unknown what I fear, the aspect, part and wholeness of who I really am and the more I resist facing, embracing, realizing, experiencing and living myself, the more fear I will experience until the point of manifesting consequences of self-separation, self-sabotage and self-doubt, thus I recognize this pattern and I stop and I sort out all the resistances, suppression I accept and allow in regarding to breathing here naturally, consistently within physical presence.
  • I commit myself to list all the points I get reacted to with breath-suppression, intense thought-emotion patterns to become aware of the points I have to embrace and develop practical self-trust to be able to face and understand, take responsibility for and breath into and as direct self-expression.

The list comes here, not full, just to name the most obvious ones I see at this moment:

  • Driving to/through a situation wherein I do not feel absolute certain about I am going to successfully solve – or situations I previously had difficulty with, or have a memory regarding to in relation to problem, fear, loss.
  • Working on something for a while and still hitting wall and not being able to figure out the solution and others, who are waiting/dependent on my part to be done are asking how it’s going.
  • Talking to a woman who I believed, thought that she could be potential partner, thus having the belief that I should be cautious and aware of how I express myself as there is a stake here of losing the chance of she would become my partner.
  • I am being attacked, bullied by people who apparently seriously do not respect me but want to use/abuse me.
  • I do something physical and keep making mistakes and becoming pissed off not successfully solving it.
  • Playing a computer game and at a level, cannot win/kill certain enemies, one after another success – especially, when the winning is so close after a long struggle, and then in the last moment losing and having to start it all again.
  • Computer, internet, gadget freezing on me, becoming slow and I start to become annoyed as expecting it to be working 100% perfectly by the belief that I paid a lot and enough to not have this failure.

I see, realize and understand that I only can breathe one at a time, and the in and out is equal, and at the same way, I only can face and solve, transcend and change one point at a time within physical real time, thus I re-define presence with breathing in and out equally, with physical, mind and beingness awareness to accumulate self-trust, self-direction and actual living.

As I write about it, I see(feel) within my chest, that even at times when I do not experience accumulating this pressure there, it’s here with me, in my imprint and it’s not enough to ‘clear it’ from time to time, but to be able to consistently prevent myself to suppress breathing and the only way to free myself from this way of suppression is to work through all the patterns defined in my mind, practically change within the triggering situations in real life.

To be continued with decomposing the self-belief, hope and expectation, annoyance and actual fear behind these points to assist and support myself to recognize the tendency before engaging into these situations, so then I would be able to remember, ‘here is where I breathe in and out with presence, WHILE facing and solving these situations’ – thus re-writing my ‘code’ of behavior, beingness and totally saying NO to reaction, also by knowing myself that I do not have to FEAR in these moments to lose myself, because I am aware of that I trust myself, I do all I can do get through this, and then actually that is all I can ever be, and this is who I am and what I commit myself to express.

Also important part is the strive for control, fear of losing it, and I’ve explored from multiple angles already, but the obsession with perfection, which is also another form of fear, fear of failure, which can result in not self-supportive, not common sensical control.

Click and listen to Self-support on inbalance in Emotions and Feelings at EQAFE

Day 290 – One breath at a time

grass1In my last post I finished with ‘I will continue to explore about breathing’ as what’s better than explaining the process?

Walking, sharing and living it!’

This means to focus on my own ‘breathing points‘, where I can have this physical pressure experience, like a stinging push in my chest, when I am not breathing ‘properly‘, fully, clearly, directly without any anxiety, fear, suppression or lack of presence due to preoccupation within thoughts/feelings/emotions.

One might ask what’s my point on emotions, as isn’t it natural to become emotional about feeling happy, in love, in overwhelmingly positive way? It’s easier to understand why one would not recommend to take refugee within anger, frustration, jealousy, etc.

Just as negative emotions, positive feelings(to simplify them like this) also can make one to be totally preoccupied, obsessed with, addicted to, thus separated on the experience level from direct presence, which can then become part of the problem.

The key here is to recognize the mind’s realm between me, self, the being and the expression/experience/movement/direction.

Simple example: happiness: it’s not something what one can really, directly experience, but it’s a judgement, a definition.

If I try to describe happiness, I will see that it contains pre-definitions, what I can experience, but not express. Just like joy for instance. I cannot really express joy, as it’s a judgement.

Also to add – when one is clinging to, dependent on and desired after positive experiences, happiness, joy – it’s not foolish to ask why? And a self-honest answer is not “because that’s normal, that’s human“, but to see what’s pre-existent within one’s mind, the self-defined judgement system, what justifies the self-interested polarities of good and bad, and memories, and parenting, schooling, culture, movies, advertisements, friends, etc is being influenced, and based on that one ‘makes decisions’.

In most cases one wants positive is because being stuck with negative. It’s highly illogical to not question first my ‘negative’ experiences and to see if I can work on those, instead of running towards it’s opposite. This requires presence and ‘cool head’ to see things as they are without this positive/negative judgement system to be projected around’.

Within self-honest breathing application, I re-align from observer and judge to direct participant.

It’s key to understand that the very definitions of our words are often consisting of this observer perspective, which can easily support the perception of our self-experienced separation from self expression and living the words directly.

That’s why decomposing the word-based relationships our mind consists of is just the start, to understand the patterns I’ve allowed to be defined by, and then I also re-define my words. To not be related to polarity, positive or negative, from judging observer to direct participant.

As the example of joy: enjoyment is more direct, expressive way to live it.

Then what it means: enjoyment?

Within clarity and self-trust, I move, share, express myself without any reaction, fear or judgemental thoughts. Enjoying to be here, be grateful for all I can and to celebrate and express life as who I am myself, without definition, without limitation.

This process obviously takes time and effort and will not come by itself overnight. One has to make a decision and to develop and accumulate this understanding and direction, what then have to be walked in real physical time to LIVE the WORDS.

So – this is my personal decomposition of layers, systems, definitions, perceptions, judgments and what emotions are being triggered by those words to see the pattern, and also it’s source, origin.

The pattern itself is short: it’s like I hold my breath for a moment when I feel I have to concentrate, feeling a pressure point I have to solve something ‘right now’, I have to ‘perform’, I have to ‘push through’, I am not sure about, I can worry of failing of.

There is also a sense of un-worded ‘hope’ behind it, like ‘I hold my breath‘ to see if the outcome will favor me, it’s like a tension, I’d even say it’s a pause within my expression, but not always, especially when I have to maintain something, such as driving through a curvy road with the speed which gives me the impression that I should not make a mistake, or I should be in trouble easily.

I remember, also I had this, when for instance I was stealing, when I was kid, and I was worried that the shopkeeper would see me. It was insignificant what we stole, actually really cheap, but I guess we did it for the ‘thrill‘. Yes, also this world is an interesting one.

I can experience this when I see an action movie, there is huge tension, like heroes in a mission and they are in shooting, and it’s uncertain that someone will survive or not. Then I can have this excitement. Recently I’ve observed it as saw multiple episodes one after another, and this tension was building and building and at one point I realized I am becoming emotionally ‘high’, so I kept some minutes away. Although that’s why I like to watch series one after another, because if I see one episode weekly, I do not feel this tension building up that much, thus the show feels less interesting, intense, stimulating.

See, how much intensity and energetic accumulation is part of my compass of decisions without realizing, and also to see if it’s really supporting or it’s just keeping my mind at a certain reaction state, well, to not be able to focus to, deal with and take responsibility for the reality I am within.

So in a way, this hold my breath is a self-induced ‘micro-fear’. Just to name it somehow, it’s not that I am afraid in that moment consciously, but resonantly these micro-fear energies accumulate, and when it’s a lot, well, then I can have this breath-holding back experience.

This can ‘happen at other times too, but let’s start with these first.

What comes up right away is the tendency to take inbreath, but not the outbreath equally, thus creating this difficulty immediately to circulate enough air properly.
It’s like I pull/suck myself up, to ‘brace for impact’ – just the feeling of it.
There are moments when I realize this, especially when this experience is ‘remaining with me’ for longer time, after a while I realize it and I start to ‘control’ the breath, and slowly blowing out the air, as a way to calm myself down.
Well, this is ‘semi-conscious’, but still I am not really aware, rather it’s a triggered mechanism.

When I am aware of that I am here, I am under tension/pressure, and I am able to remain present, directive, then I breathe in and out without the feel of controlling it, rather it’s like I ‘smuggle myself into’ the breathing so to speak.
Meaning I use this physical expression and experience to bring myself into and as the physical body without losing the point I am focusing to, such as hiking upwards a mountain for instance and looking around, checking where I step to, etc.

Obviously I am the one creating this tension/friction within me, but I’d separate this experience into two types: when I am alone, and myself creating it, and when I am among others(still I am creating it, but I am less aware of it, as I am being focused to others probably and there are certain situations wherein I can be triggered into this ‘improper’ breathing by becoming reactive in the mind)

I wrote already about this in this blog, but that was not enough and as I face this point again, this time digging further and applying practical understanding to support change, well, my breathing to become ‘proper’, which means natural, equated, full, while my experience is present, clear within and directive.

In a way this is what all has to realize that without this ‘state of being’ – one is probably/most likely being totally pre-occupied within one’s mind, which results within being observer in regarding to certain topics within one’s life.

From that moment, when one is rather deciding, concluding, then starting to think, speak, act – then it’s now up to one’s pre-programmed already ‘made-up’ mind to judge, react and direct, based on personality, past, memories, mood, civil-engineered morality, education, family, religion, whatever one allowed to be influenced and mesmerized by throughout one’s life.

I’d say that’s problem. Especially as I also have references, experiences, memories, when I am not compromised with automatic reactions, when I am able to breath ‘properly’, here, unwavering, and it’s obviously more supportive within self-honesty.

So in the next post I continue with Self-forgiveness statements.


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Day – 289 – Breathe, like never before


Anybody can find explanations of the rewards of ‘be with and as breath here‘, to stabilize oneself from the busy life we constantly chase(or being chased by) every day.

There is this comic guy(recently in movies too), Hulk, who is constantly getting angry and when he really does, he transforms into a huge, strong, raging green monster what cannot be stopped from mass destruction all over.

I could compare myself and in fact all humans to this example of what’s happening in our minds, wherein if I am not applying the breath here, I am getting into my mind and thus more and more separating my perceived experience and expression from the physical body, presence, direct HERE-ness, from where actually reality, the others, animals, plants, the whole planet is.

Through my mind’s interpretation I am individual, separated and have my own interest to take care for, a consciousness system, which have been evolving since long-long time and has been mesmerized with knowing and understanding, which should be questioned, as not being actually true.

Through the mind’s interpretation, which is similar to science, it’s always relying to observation influenced by the observer, even if we directly participate within experiences, then often afterwards defining, judging, categorizing, labelling, conditioning, relating and systematizing, well: quite automatically.

Live and trust in and as the moment, the now and give up fear and even hope and you find deeper understanding” is a typical new age slogan, probably 3/4 of any book store has at least one spirituality shelf of these suggestions, however when an ordinary human tries to apply this simple direction; well, even that attempt will mostly ‘happen‘ through and as this mind consciousness system, based on initial judgement, desire, fear or hope, which is not beyond polarity, infested with pure self-interest.
Sounds harsh, to label ‘goodwill‘ people as of imbued with self-interest, but the equation is simple to measure facts: am I standing up to all as equal as one as life here unconditionally, or I am only investing care into selected ones by my disregard ‘in the rest’?

Let me further specify by explaining ORDINARY here by defining what is beyond that: it takes extraordinary applied amount of self-honesty to not only consider to live really free in the moment according to my interest only, but also finding and living the practical ways to take responsibility for all we can live up to.
To face each and every single judgement, desire, fear and hope one can find within self to be able to not just understand, but understand deeply and detail-specifically enough to be aware of why it’s self-delusion to exclude, to justify, to accept such a limitation, the self-dishonesty, so then it would come as practical common sense to naturally make the decision and stand to stop and change.

The importance here is the specificity and the consistency, because it’s not possible to let go or stop something within me what I am not aware of, or not aware of the details of it, the very creation and in fact re-creation of how I am responsible for this particular self-limitation.

That’s why I have found the spiritual ways as flawed, imperfect and in fact deceiving, because they all praise about the great things, but their methods are biased, infused with polarity, self-separation, or if not, then they mostly lack specificity.

There are ‘ways’, when they focus on ‘not to think’, ‘for body awareness’, or even utilizing philosophical logic to mentally overcome constructs in the mind, and I am sure there are cool ways, what can be proven to be effective and supporting, however I consider myself lucky as already found a group, courses and a community where the mind, self and creation can be studied, applied and shared within a disciplined, principled, consistent, stable and accumulative, thus measurable way within self-honesty.

Self-honesty is the compass which through I can sail through all the inner and external constructs of reality without losing direction, integrity and stability, because it can be very simple, if I commit myself to not lie to myself any more.

It does not mean it’s going to be easy, especially by considering to face all previously accepted limitations to become aware of, the consequences and the actual responsibility to take to really change.

I find this quality, skill and natural expression of common sensical self-honesty to be extraordinary if lived directly in the ‘moment’, in the flesh without the interpretations, categorizing and biased starting points from the logical, conscious mind.

It’s like I am becoming aware of my human physical body, as a living organism, made of physical substance, which is awareness, life itself and the moment I stop separating myself from ‘it’ – I am starting to explore a more direct way to live.

Yes, it’s more vulnerable as well, because I do not feel myself as separated as through the many layers of the mind, thus pain can be more direct and real, but also enjoyment and self-expression too.

And it’s not just about the body, such as one then goes to workout or to ‘know kung fu‘. It requires more than that, the full beingness, not just to disregard the mind, but to embrace it, to understand it’s limitations and to walk with and through them, by understanding who I am today and how I can have much more potential if not limiting myself with specific fears, desires.

Even if, let’s say I focus on sports, physical activities, dance, martial arts, but with the starting point of ideas, expectations, desires, fears, superimposed, inflated, infused with thoughts, feelings and emotions, energetic experiences, then although I might become skilled, more directive, agile, strong, fast and powerful – I am still not the ONE breath, but utilizing it, instead of BE with and as the body and thus this is still not AWARENESS, but only programmed consciousness.

See, consciousness is a limited system, although it’s very sophisticated, and humanity’s current ‘character’ is still identifying itself with it, that is not self-honest and neither our fullest potential. Rather it’s a manifested consequence of all the decisions, actions and perceptions we ended up with through the idea of separation, self-dishonesty and abdication of self-responsibility as collective of individuals, all as equal as one.

This means that we are unable to really see, feel and be aware of what is really here, because we are actually not HERE with our breath, with the substance as awareness directly, but we USE, SUPPRESS or CONTROL our breath, our body, our perceptions of who we think we are, but within that not realizing that the mind consciousness must be investigated, understood and have to let go.

Although it might seem as impossible to exist without thinking, without this apparent ‘gift’ of comprehending with thoughts, duality of positive and negative, the abstraction and virtual imagination, the conscious mind is very limited within it’s own design and we do not see it as we are conditioned to see through and as it, therefore the only way to debunk, expose and reveal it’s limitation is by applying self-honesty within the active research of how we actually operate on daily basis.

To be honest with myself within situations where I can directly see why I react like this, what is the reason I said that, felt this way, and to question: am I limited, am I lying to myself in order to not take responsibility for the possible best outcome within a situation to avoid consequences I perceive as unwanted?

All the thought patterns, thinking, judgement, comparison, association and vivid imagination is to justify what I experience, say and do, and no matter what, I am right. Or if not, then to explain why not.

Or to explain why not being right about why I am not right. Or whatever, it is the web of justifications and excuses by the total hypnosis of self-interest what I am being imprisoned within, compelled by the horror of fear of loss, regardless of it’s scale – from the fear of losing my ‘positive experience induced by not having pain’, or ‘fear from being homeless’ to ‘fear from losing my sanity’, ‘fear of my family would get hurt’, ‘my child would think I do not love him if I don’t do this or that’, or whatever one can identify as ‘fear losing’ or ‘fear to experience’.

For me, interestingly the fear of failure, fear of eternal fall, the fear from insanity and the fear from running out of time was mostly prominent, this might vary for everyone, but the basic construct is the same for all. Also the physical reactions, the energetic experiences, the internal or external trigger points what with we can be conditioned to automatically react. That one has to be specifically aware of, to become ‘more fast’ than the mind, to be able to breath presence and awareness before the automated reaction, what would make one to be trapped into an endless loop of ‘groundhog day’.

During self-inducing and experiencing fear, I am suppressing to BE breath, I am listening to the thought, inducing this energetic experience of anxiety, fear, which then can easily can escalate into anger, hatred – regardless of it’s target – myself or others, imaginary(religion for instance) or physically existing beings.

Interestingly, even desire can become a manifestation of fear, when for instance I am totally preoccupied, possessed by wanting something or someone, fear from losing, wherein in fact I might just fear from facing myself ‘losing’ what I defined that I would not like, because the resulting experience for me would be somewhat uncool, or my self-identification to oppose something perceived as negative is relying to my maintained relationship to the subject of my desire; therefore it’s in my interest to not to lose that subject of my desire. Many can declare this as some sort of love, but I’d rather not do that.

Many people can find themselves among so many manifested consequences what are not so good for them, for others around them, and thus can decide or being pushed to some kind of re-mediation, recovery or re-alignment, with what somehow can find a better quality of living in terms of becoming more simplified without so many fears and desires, endless rushes of thoughts and up-and down waving emotional storms. Often people has to fall, hit the ground, rock bottom hard to realize, but some also can figure it out – it does not matter on the greater scale, but on individual level, sure.
Even our mind’s self-limited pre-programmed setup is on the exact level of those manifested consequences and self-dishonesties we accepted and allowed, thus everyone should embrace that without judging or start comparing one’s own process of self-realization, because some walks slower, some might have to get more punches, but we all walk the same, so one should focus on self first, and when finding balance, stability, integrity to start sharing and dealing with external responsibilities, what definitely will appear, once one starts to grasp self-direction within effective and aware breathing.

See, breathing is not just a tool what can be applied to stabilize, calm and re-align our mind to presence, but breath is the most direct and immediate link to what it means to really live here. The art is not within equalizing the mind, but to see, feel, and experience beyond it’s limitations, which is, quite frankly: most liberating.
So it’s time to reveal, decompose and let go any definitions, judgments, comparisons, reactions in relation to breath, breathing, presence, the physical and especially expose and transcend any inferiority/superiority construct about consciousness versus physical and to be able to embrace, direct, express and live self as one here as equal with breath.

I will continue to explore about breathing as what’s better than explaining the process? Walking, sharing and living it!

In the meantime I suggest to create some minutes for self to just be, breathe and observe the mind, not to resist or fight it, but also not to get directed by it. And it’s cool if one makes notes, writes down observations, insights, because writing is really supporting if applied within self-honesty, meaning I write about myself, not the neighbor, the prime minister or the girlfriend. Those can be trigger points maybe for my experiences, reactions, but the only way to gain directive power if I work with what’s here: self.

Day 288 – Presence exploration share

This is rather an experimental approach on sharing, maybe too personal, but I find these mini-sessions ‘with me’ supportive.


I find myself here.

I have a direction, but not too obsessive, but kind of enthusiastic. I have a focus here, feeling, hearing the breath, but not becoming preoccupied with it’s sensation.
I feel the gravity, the points of my body being supported by the chair I am sitting within, my sole too, but it’s balanced out with my straightening effort to keep me vertical.

I merely observe this phenomenon that I am here, no tiredness, no worry, no desire in particular, the only thing what I see within is this silent initiation from which I express, move out here directly.

I still feel that there are layers behind of this dark point my expression emerges from, as I can sense some conscious participation in the mind, but at this moment it’s all right. I am not here to judge, but explore, embrace and discover.

What reaction I can already expose is this weird sensation, faithful conviction of that this presence, moment, expression and experience is significant and fragile.

Sometimes I just find myself totally dropping all my personality and be within this presence. It’s shy, humble and light, but accumulates each time surfacing into ever greater self-trust and physical direction.

This used to be quite scary, dreadful, horrifying experience, back there, when I was experimenting with the no judgement, and used to take massive amount of psychedelics to suppress my ability to judge and define, but after a while I also had to realize that this also suppressed my deepening of understanding of actual self-sabotage required to take initiative to stop and change the actual self-suppression I’ve defined myself to be who I am.

I am ready to die, am I? I am letting go everything I have, I did, said, felt and experienced. I do not need anything.

Yes, but…

No. I am here.

I do even stop from time to time within writing this as finding proper English words. Why do I write in this language, in my first language, I would be much more fluid, effective. but I want more people to be able to possibly reach. It’s alright for now.

There was a slight moment of reaction of what if I stop, I lose the momentum, the presence, the gentle yet firm direction of me being here, with basically no chance to be distracted from this self-respect, and by that I could just go into this inner mini-battle of taking myself apart with cold thinking of ‘if I worry of losing it, then I already lost it, never even had’.

And I recognize the pattern, I stop, and I re-align.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, to not name, word the origin, the relationship of this doubt, but reacting to it, following it and giving up presence and direction without actually considering what would be the solution for this fear to dissolve, stop, remove and transcend.

I do even say this aloud to feel the words, to speak, to be the words and be the sounding of this expression. Within sounding it, I see that the sentence required one more word, so adding it. Then I say it aloud again. I feel that there is energetic movement within my body, I say it again and focusing to this energy, to what word it originates from and why…

Yes I see it now, the specificity. I need to be more specific, like also to see the tendency where my reaction would take me, want to specify to also see and be able to mark with another self-forgiveness, to be absolutely sure that I am aware of not just the trigger point, but also the pattern of this and it’s consequence, so then I can ensure that next time I recognize that it’s in fact best to avoid this pattern.

This can go on for a while, there are hundreds of patterns within the mind, intertwined, interconnected and interdependent with many more and I have to be able to sail through with sane, present and directive self-movement without being washed away from what I face, discover.

Writing is great, I always can stop and take a breath, feel it, the physical, the gravity, the senses and when I am ‘solid’ again, I continue, write more.

This is magic, alchemy at it’s best as the limit is only on me, because with writing I can not only understand but also change my own nature of who I am today. Step by step, word by word.

That’s why these Journey to Life blogs, for several years, many of us committed to write, share and walk the realizations into actual, physical change.

Feeling the throbbing of the blood in my palms when I stop, allowing the body to breathe, and I am in and as this breath.

I acknowledge the gift I give for myself to be with me in this moment and to see what is here, what’s up, what’s going on.

I look for tiredness, exhaustion, heaviness in the body and at the moment I do not feel it. I am free from it, so I look, where this ‘expected heaviness’ is coming from and I see memories coming up when I feel my palms being exhausted, tired of all the things I’ve done with it, when I was doing things I did not want to, but felt compelled, when I had stress and did not relax it for hours and days, and I feel in the muscles that it’s there, but at the same time not today, so I continue exploring.

I check my chest, what is causing me to sometimes feel this acidic experience, coming up from my stomach and it’s judgements and stress. That can cause to feel this out of balance experience and feeling like my body is burning, it should have this PH negative ‘force’ from somehow to balance out this energy, what influences me, pushes me, and it’s of fear, I see, when I worry of not being able to see how I am going to do what I would like, when I feel confined by the things I created in my life, then I can have this self-burning, self-eating, suppressing self-judgement energetic experience. But also, not today.

I do not feel the chest heaviness, it feels like there is this specific point where it would be a strong pressure point and I would feel like I am breathing through that narrow point, almost like I have to force my breath to have a ‘full breath’ experience and even sometimes feeling like the breath is stuck in my chest, so I have to ‘practice’ and ‘loosen up’ to be able to breath one good ‘sigh’.

This is also a memory, as I am breathing normally, yet I see this signature in my breath, it’s something I have to work actively on seeing all the patterns, dimensions and memories, word relationships, external situations and conditions specifically to un-learn this resonant anxiety and fear, to then being able to solve those problems within I can have these experiences.

Of course my situation is quite easy in terms of I do not live in a war-shattered city as many do in Syria for instance, I have food, shelter, work for money, even free time, but I do not compare, I do not judge, I rather embrace and acknowledge here.

I move my attention to my feet, my toes: one is resting on another, it seems comfortable at first, but as I spend more time, about several minutes, the one is holding the another’s weight starts to feel pressured, so it’s like one leg feels really comfortable, but another starts to feel equally uncomfortable. Interesting. I put them both on their soles and it’s immediately better. Although I feel that there is tension on my knees, so I just focus there, give them one-two breath attentions and now they are both relaxed. Great.

I feel this energy spreading on my lower spine, rather on the right side and I see, there was a slight moment of observing myself from a mental point of view, rather like a quick self-judgement of…maybe irony, but not real, rather as an aesthetic categorizing imagination of this being in a film scene and before defining it to be cool, I let it go, I breathe…

I feel my mouth and face frowned for a reason I am not entirely sure, so by acknowledging I am not aware of why I did, it’s almost like I could and should know, just at this moment apparently can’t word it out. And by acknowledging that acknowledging, I look up and take another big sigh.

See, this presence is like a meditation, a mind-serialization, when really slowing down to see the tremendous amount of processes one can easily be overwhelmed by and it’s just the first step to become aware of the mind and the fact that I am not always doing the best possible, or when I ‘think’ that I do, I also write down the reasons I would ‘believe’ that I do the best possible, and to see if those are excuses and justifications only or I am really, fully being aware of what and why I feel, think and do.
This is rather an exploration and a rant on presence, but I am sure you only can know yourself, when you are present, empty and embracing without any judgement. That’s what I suggest to explore. Well, it’s not always easy, but remember, whatever comes up, it’s you. Deal with it. See, decide, explore if you can live with it or you might find it as limiting/annoying or even self-deceiving – then you understand it more and stop it, change it, and thus you, bit by bit, breath by breath: changing yourself and with that the world! That’s THE Way. Enjoy.

Day 287 – Thoughts vs being HERE

talaprocessupdate-2016-10-16What it means to be radically self-honest to support myself in relation to automatically induced reactive thinking, what can be easily justified to remain within fear and limitation to protect my interest?
Why it is important to become aware of the specificity of how I am responsible for the perceived separation from the problems I face with the energetic experiences of thinking and emotional mind and how to start accumulate understanding for practical solutions to be applied physically here?

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