Day 336 – Self forgiveness to deal with sadness

IMG_2383sWho I am with Self-forgiveness?

I am sharing my process of Self-forgiveness since almost ten years now and I’d like to reflect back on this extraordinary journey and discovery of self, a liberation, a re-alignment and change, which keeps continuing and expanding every day.

If anyone says or thinks – “I am done with self-forgiveness, there is nothing else to forgive” – I’d say that person should not be trusted. Why? Because that person

  • a) thinks that now ascended to another level – obviously only within the realms of ego
  • b) clearly sees that the job is certainly not yet done, but wants to appear that way for some reason – again, very cautious one should be with that person

It’s fascinating to see that so many people are keep preaching about god and jesus – while they have no idea about the depth – the actual debt – of forgiveness as through thought, word and deed within unification.

Fortunately – and unfortunately for many – the equation is very simple – there is no middle ground, any blame or justification, denial or resistance towards equality means that the person is still existing within the mesmerizing experience-series of self-interest.

And it’s alright – well, not for long, but until the moment of self-realization: there is no other choice but to embrace and acknowledge, accept and own the fact that I am responsible. Everyone is.

Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth.

It might sound silly, bad, or even offending, thus I’d suggest to say it aloud for a couple of times to let your own sound, voice and resonance to vibrate in the air, through your body and thus reach the mind as well to recognize, it’s a great opportunity to accumulate something what could support all.

I know, quite some people who have difficulty to understand the equality point within all’s process, and for myself I also have difficulty to try to explain.

For me, this immediately made sense when I first read it at ‘desteni.org’ – I am always equal and one with and as what I am located within/experiencing/expressing.

How can I not be equal and one with what is here, when I am always here.

I am telling here, literally here: it is not a physical pointer, this word what it refers to: here, but it’s a self-expression of who I am.

Or who I am NOT as a matter of fact, when I am not fully here, present, in this moment expressing directly with – into – and as – the physical substance, again: here, consistently.

So let’s walk a point emerged recently:

Yesterday I was very busy, I had a point what I took very seriously, something to do, accomplish, get done and I had extreme lot of difficulty, thus I could not do as I want and I got carried away with frustration several times.
It was fascinating to see that I want something soooooooo much, everything is here as opportunity to make me own the thing, to get it done, yet I was unable to. And the more I wanted, the less I progressed, like literally banging my head to a brick wall without anything changing, except my head feels more pressurized.

I was waving, energies were flowing through my mind, I got hooked into energy intensity, wanting to have more energy. After an exhausting day, I just could not rest, wanted to have more experience, so actually went out, I was driving on the highway to find some place to have dinner and I tried to compensate tiredness with energy.

So it’s this writing’s realization – that every day I can see patterns and there is no such thing as ‘I can’t become better version of myself anymore’ – that is self-delusion, well – self-deception actually. But the good thing about it that it always comes with a reason, a justification.

Why should I keep limited within this situation exactly? It’s actually fear, even the bravest soldiers can have this. I’ve met with seasoned veteran also, his point, to return home, to go to playground, where it’s peace – that freightened him, more than being on the warfield, where everything is more determined, simplistic, even if it means he faces high percentage of death.

So, my point here is that when I am tired, exhausted, I should not identify myself with that experience, as it ‘seems’ like sad, lack of energy, in a way even ‘depressed’ – and my past ‘tactic’ was to stimulate myself with intensified moments to have ‘higher vibration of energetic mind experiences’ – so then I do not feel that ‘low’.

But actually what I was dealing with was real tiredness.
So it’s a lesson to learn to be able to differentiate between real tiredness and mental/emotional tiredness(from doing the same pattern all the time and expecting same result but deep within knowing that this is not going to change(=definition of insanity), thus feeling sad about it, instead of doing something actually).

And I rested well, had more rest during this(next) day and had a coffee. Everything is more clear now, and one point to note to self that I also can have tendency to react more to others when I am exhausted. I talked with someone and I thought ‘she is really sad and not feeling good’ – and well, it was partially true, but what I ‘thought’ as extra – was completely my projection.

Well, it’s easy to say: don’t do that, like someone else would say: it’s common sense, come on, why would you need to spend hours with writing and forgiveness, why don’t you just be smart?

Accumulation and the simplest yet greatest math to understand is the key here:

1+1=2 – who I am is result of accumulation and it might just takes equal amount to change that – lack of self-honesty, disregard of common sense, awareness and responsibility was accumulated for so many days, that it’s patterns my mind and body became comfortable to do almost (or not completely) automatically. Enough to skip presence in one breath and these patterns can start acting out by themselves – well, these patterns are also me, so no escape from responsibility by separating my personality/behavior/character from self-identification.
But actually the solution is to become exactly aware of these and own them, embrace, don’t judge, and for a moment to accept who I am and thus to see the extent of insanity if I am still self-dishonest with a pattern.

Such as identifying myself, as who I am, in relation to feeling good or bad, stable or weak, when I am tired, exhausted.
In a way, then I am more vulnerable to my acceptances and allowances to own me, and they are just showing who I am today, but certainly not determining who I would have to remain so, as I can accumulate decision, commitment, honesty and motivation to change, step by step, breath by breath, day by day.

So when I write about the point I see as self-dishonest and want to change about it, it’s great that I realized it, but still there are dimensions to it what I simply HAVE TO aware of in order to be able to effectively and certainly change this point within me.

I might have insight of WHY I had, have tendency to want to identify myself energetic states, and defining myself as sad and depressed, when being tired.

Also the mind is really an energy-hungry mechanism, which I am sure that actual science has not yet looked at thus most of humanity has no idea about it within it’s utmost specificity.

Myself, also knowing about it only, because walking Desteni I Process online course and listening the extremely profound education found at http://eqafe.com – they are way ahead of our time in terms of understanding, actual support and practical solutions to personality, mental, emotional and in general self-support. It would be a great mistake to disregard this website and it’s content, especially for those, who are really interested about how consciousness, the human mind and in general creation works. Just remarkable.

So, everyone has their own mind-mojo to boost their ego, the bubble of self-interest, wherein people can retreat to and ‘rejuvenate’, to refresh, fill up and often it’s done with not absolutely self-honest action, but with abuse of self or others.

I mean, no offense to myself, but when I am exhausted, why can’t I just rest directly? What’s the problem with the tiredness experience, what I am going through actually within those moments, what I want to avoid?
This is relevant, and I understand that many require therapy from others, but with writing, self-honesty, DIP online courses, I can directly open up and walk through these points.

And although it sometimes brings up quite ‘not really to be proud of’ things, or even nasty patterns from the mind, but sharing here does not mean that I should be ashamed of – well, exactly the opposite – I am honoring myself to discover, understand and share these patterns as I also recognize that this is not really who I am, but at the moment this is I have take responsibility for.

But if I keep hiding it within myself, like a secret from others – that means I dont want others to see this within me – which in fact means I do not want/or I believe I can’t change this, so I am going to remain like this, that’s why I want to hide it. Which literally means I have no power over this -> not cool.
Rather to expose all secrets thus my mind can rest but not just by sharing with everyone, but by sharing how I am working on it to change.

I am sure of that’s the real power of social networks, sharing our inner in a structured way which can help to understand more, so then solutions can be found more effectively and broadly.
No judgement, if people share picture of their dinner, but I mostly focus on social networks to these kind of things: self-honesty, self-forgiveness, real intimacy, wanting to change, find out real potential, how to make love livable, not just a feeling or desire, how to deal with addictions, self-dishonesty, fears, resistances, and many of my contacts there do the same, so their post are more real, intimate in a way, which when I read it, I really can have insight of what they are actually going through.
They might also share some point I am also dealing with so can have actual support, or I would face similar issues later, or someone around me, so I can be supportive. That’s awesome actually.

Let’s open this restlessness/sad/energy crave point before finishing here.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, allowed myself to clearly see and understand, when I am exhausted to the point of not recognizing that I have tendency to become unstable and more susceptible to negative emotional patterns, with which I try to fight against, as not wanting to experience, face, or realize within; thus wanting to stimulate myself to experiences where I feel more energetic, uplifted or ‘dynamic’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I fight myself within with energetic experiences, self-stimulation by wanting to feel good, eating sweets, all of a sudden becoming horny, needing lot of coffee or tea, go out to experience thrill – it is the moment I am trying to avoid to experience something within me, which exists in a way I don’t want or can’t change yet, but it’s too uncomfortable to remain within experiencing it.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself to be open and direct with myself to see why I feel the day as ‘unsatisfying’, even after a hard working day, so still wanting, needing more experience, yet it’s clear that I am exhausted and common sense suggests resting and relaxing.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the real point within myself, which I feel exposed to, vulnerable in relation to, when I am tired, thus not having energy to disregard within myself or get distracted from by my usual daily activities, habits – to realize what is – or are – the real thing(s) making me unsatisfied, restless and actually sad.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that what points I am bothered with, feeling unhappy and unsatisfied are the points I perceive myself being powerless in relation to, which I can’t change at the moment, or changing it requires consistent and constant self-movement, direction, change, application, work, effort and investment, which I convinced myself or excused myself from it that I can’t do it or it’s not quick enough solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself that I am frustrated about not getting what I want right now, and previously the things were like this I intentionally did let go, so I do not feel frustrated and I believed that is self-liberation, but actually accepting my limitations, and within these times I stick to my decisions, which of some requires longer time to manifest, but at the meantime, when I am not stable, present and self-honest, I can feel as not good enough, thus myself not being good enough, wanting to do more, stay awake more as well, as feeling I did not do all I could but wanting to, even when I am clearly in a state when I am not effective and already ‘burning my reserves’ in terms of physical energy.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within not wanting to rest at night I am being faced with a point of ‘I did not do everything I could’ as self-judgement, which I do not want to accept, however it’s already done – and also possible that I actually did, but just perceiving or believing I did not – because the things I move manifest slowly in physical real timeline and within my mind I imagined, dreamed, desired perfect and immediate solutions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within my mind what I imagine as perfect/desirable by itself has nothing to do with reality and if I do not relate, bring down to earth with viable plan, structuring, consideration and reality awareness, I am existing within delusion, thus self-dishonesty if I get frustrated about why not desire/fantasy come true.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I did not want to be honest with myself about the fact that I miss my girlfriend being with me as she travelled away and I always feared to be dependent and connected as did not want to have the missing experience, so rather I’ve closed myself down and did not get anyone that really close or define her as important part of my life, but with this person I decided to risk to really connect and thus experiencing missing her and and aspect of myself I’ve defined myself being able to fulfil with her.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that missing someone is alright, even being sad is okay, nothing to fear about that, but only self-honest if that is not influencing my stability, presence, ability to live up to my commitments, principles and self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that I would not be able to remain unaffected with sadness if I would really ‘give into it’, thus I always ensured that I never face this experience, but rather distract myself, justify why it’s OK not to give into sadness, however each time accumulating self-suppression which certainly catches up to me just not the way it would consider me and my stability, as equally so as I also not consider it what it is, as aspect of myself I try to separate from myself due to a fear I do not acknowledge, name and embrace and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that sadness itself is not bad, it also can be a self-expression, what can be re-defined, thus to ensure that I am remaining honored to live words as equal as myself without compromising principle and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that behind my actual sadness experience is self-acceptance for things I believed not to be able to change, however within my current relationship with my sadness, it’s also an excuse – to be able to secretly release all the suppressed sadness I accumulated within me during my life but never really faced it and experienced it fully, only at very short period of times when I could not hold it anymore.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am really sad about the world, how humans are basically cannibals as literally eating each other up in terms of resources and opportunities to support life and feeling that I can’t do anything about it by myself and not realizing that change always starts with self here, thus I change myself, I express myself, I move myself and the world might resist me, but eventually I can make the world accept me, and I accumulate a certain change by one participant, which I have absolute power over, myself here. And within that realizing that my sadness is give up, give in, if I stop moving by sadness as energetic experience – and I can use sadness as a reference point to see what I can do and what I actually do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sadness makes me weaker, thus it’s my important interest to get rid of it and avoid it at all cost, and not realizing that I do not look at it’s source, I just want to contain and handle a consequence, which is not common sense, as prevention is the best cure, here: to be honest with myself in the first place to see of about what I feel sadness and why and how can I ensure that I do everything in my power to prevent that to happen, if actually preventable. For instance in my case – to rejoin with my partner as soon as possible, and for that to see what I have to do and then focus on doing that, and within this to see that sadness is not real, it’s just a cover up of when I do not do all I can, so it’s a cool reflection of inspiration to move.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress emotions on a daily basis as I realized if I allow them free roam within me, I compromise my common sense, logic and decision making, but not realizing that each emotion I do not face and deal with it – will remain here, in and as my body as myself and will return eventually, no escape, thus the solution here, which I did not realize to prevent myself to go into reactive-emotion-based behavior, and for that to be able to prevent I need to see the patterns, conditions, trigger points before falling into the reaction – thus literally re-writing my expression.

    So, just like it – I open up and see what’s behind emotions, memories, layers of personality.

And within writing – I am here, stable, directive, slowed down within, thus I can ‘read’ myself from within and by writing words down, I am becoming to be able to see more clearly of what’s happening within me and to also see if I am honest with myself or not.

It’s difficult to be absolutely honest with myself but that’s the only way that for longer term I prevent inner conflict to be created, and in that sense – it’s the most simple too – not in terms of doing what has to be done within self-honesty.

Also cool to write action points after realization:

  • When and as I am tired/exhausted – I recognize the tendency to get addicted to energy intensity, as when I am tired, I am more vulnerable to my temptations from my past patterns to stimulate and go into trance mode of ‘energy movement’ – which is not self-movement, but I feel like it, but within self-honesty I see that it’s self-delusion and if I accept that – I create inner conflict, which I can contain for so long until it bites me back – thus I relax, I rest – if my mind still moves when I want to rest – I use technique – relaxation, reading a book, eating, having shower, and then I rest. If I have not done all I could today when I am exhausted – I have to live with that but I’d rather focus to how I do not make the same mistake on the next day.
  • When and as I feel sad about missing someone or wanting to be with her, I realize that I am missing her expression of what I do not access within me directly for a reason and it’s my responsibility to be able to live aspects of myself regardless of others – however to miss someone is alright, so it’s ok to realize how much that person can mean for me – but if I allow myself to be compromised within stability, presence, expression – then it’s an excuse to give into temptations of energy experiences, which is again a kind of trance state in my mind, where I can disconnect from reality for a reason I do not want to know directly or wanting to hide from for a reason I do not want to word it and be aware of it, because then I would have to start changing myself.

So emotions are not bad – they all indicate self-separation, self-dishonesty, if they appear and try to imbalance or control me, especially if I become distracted from solutions, commitments and of consistent presence within self-expression – and actually I try to make myself be controlled with the energy of it, thus it’s all of me and my full responsibility to directly live, not through reactions, suppression, separation and judgement. So for that, I keep continuing and committing myself to decompose these patterns, what can be explored, understood with writing, saying and living words within unification.

Study yourself with DIP LITE, THE online & FREE course: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Day 335 – Self-Change with Self-forgiveness

change-with-sfSharing a point of looking back to a recent energetic reaction within my mind-body relationship, triggered by fear – and applying Self-honesty with Self-forgiveness to stop and prepare myself to prevent to repeat this automatic pattern.

Change one moment at a time. Structure yourself, your progress, your decision to not accept anything less than your true potential, which only can be discovered, manifested and truly lived with constant and consistent, disciplined and principled self-movement in and as this physical reality as unifying thoughts, words and deeds.

 

The video is my sound recording about the point with some imagery.

From the video quoting Self-forgiveness:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed patterns within my past to dictate what I should do, because I am not sure or in fear that I am not in control, therefore:
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not get what I want and within that not realizing that, that want I participate within is only about myself and my fear of not getting what I want, which simply means complete obsession and lost within self-interest, therefore I commit myself to stand up and stand within the principle of Equality and Oneness and I change.
  • When and as I see this energy to move, I change, I stop, I step out, I recognize, this is from my past, and therefore I move out within the energy and move into the Self-direction, the change, the recognition as who I am as I direct.

And by looking back, from the memory my fear comes from:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that worry and fear can help me to get what I want, because with that experience I get ‘tube-visioned’, so only focusing to the point of what I want, because of the fear, that otherwise, directly myself I could not get what I want.
  • And I forgive myself that I have not realized my starting point of wanting within the mind energy relationship through accepted definitions of words with memories and reacting to re-activating those, and thus not trusting myself directly here – not trusting that I can do, act, live what I decide, but through this relationship with my mind, which is self-dishonest.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why it is self-dishonest to participate within energetic experiences of fear and worry, doubt and despair, as focusing to the side effect and not the core of the real issue I am experiencing myself as equal and one.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my fear, doubt, despair and worry ALWAYS has explanation, justification within me, and until I am not becoming specifically aware of those word-based patterns by directly seeing them in front of me without reacting, until that I am not the directive principle here, but influences can stimulate, move and direct me, regardless of my decisions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I was in doubt and thus was afraid that my partner would leave me in my past and within that fearing that then I would need to be alone, so I could not get what I want, there would be noone to be with me, so then I would need to face myself directly, which I believed is undesirable, boring and limiting – and within these judgements, not realizing the actual opportunity to live self-honesty:
  • desire to be with someone in general, defining myself as boring, limited – and not looking to how to expand within these dimensions, but rather to just stimulate myself with someone I defined as great.
  • I forgive myself that I have not been honest with myself about that I doubt myself, I fear myself ending up remaining alone, and projecting out the lack of self-trust, self-support and self-love by wanting to someone to trust me, support me and love me, because otherwise I can’t experience these qualities, as I am unable to do so alone, based on the original judgement, fears and limitations I accepted to became part of me.

– So this is like I can reveal that I fear losing the opportunity to override an original experience within myself of doubt, inability to support and love myself primarily.

Yes, this was the case, but I have changed, still changing, however this kind of pattern within my behavior still can be revealed after years of work within a specific situation, for instance mixed up with another set of memories of mine, with a specific individual I was within partnership before.

With her we had conflict, doubt, worry and even control-related self-dishonesty – I focus to myself and my responsibility, so here meaning within me, not focusing to other person, as I change myself first and she is long gone since years now anyway. But if not dealt with, a memory, a reaction, a fear pattern from the past, can remain as a splinter in the mind, and sooner or later one will face consequences, thus it’s common sense to go ahead of that and deal with it when I direct. This means I do not watch all the series, I initiate, I investigate, I prevent, I change. Actually great enjoyment to get to know myself and thus the human psyche in overall.

And after a pattern becomes more clear – also to see how and why it’s being triggered, when what exact point my partner says or reveals to me, I associate with – then I re-define what to do, ‘prescript’ myself in a way, this does not mean I become robotic – just giving a structure for a moment to myself to support with change, which takes time, and real action.

So these are layers of the consciousness. And one might think, well this can be just thought through while running in the forest for an hour.

Well, not really, thoughts can’t really be trusted as they come and go, also can trigger energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, another set of thoughts, which can compromise the ‘unbiased’ – self-honest ability to open up and walk through points within oneself.
Thus the writing, thus the recording of sound/video. Cross-reference, make notes, script and execute decisions. Sounds very machine-like, but discipline is suggested, although also not to become this rigid person, but also to have fun and enjoyment.

To learn this principle, skill, self-directed change from shyness, fear, addiction, inferiority, doubt or in overall lack of reason to live, shine and grow – investigate these supporting sites:

FREE Online course for essential skills to develop Self-honesty:
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Self-supporting audio books for understanding the mind, behavior and existence from many angles:
http://eqafe.com

Participate in the forum and the community, or even ask for support about a point you got tired of accepting and wanting to grow out from:
http://desteni.org
http://forum.desteni.org

Day 334 – Re-aligning to Live Words: Love

IMG_3069One of my major realizations in life is that humans do not Live Words actually. Certainly Think, Feel, Speak and Act, and these various forms of ‘word usages’ are rarely within harmonious unification with each other, which results a sort of cognitive dissonance, inner conflict and lack of self-honesty.

What I mean is that when I think, feel, speak and do a word the same way – then I am honoring myself and others with being the same within thought, word and deed, unconditionally, without positive or negative, without self-interest, no resistance or fear.

Let’s start with the most common word, which is a very important one: LOVE.

Just today I’ve posted a lot of images on social media about my ‘loved ones’.

This could be confusing for those who walk the process of Self-honesty, and within the community often can be read that ‘love is deception, delusion, self-interest and manipulation’.

Well, I’ve been there, I realized it, I worried about it, I’ve walked a process with it and what I have realized is that the Process of Self-honesty does not end by forgiving myself for describing and realizing how exactly I’ve abused myself and the words, others and thus live itself in a way, but then once I am seeing clearly of what I should not do, it’s just the beginning of an other phase: re-defining words.

As I have realized in relation to the word LOVE, that my previous self-definition, pre-defined patterns of experiences and interactions, starting points and affections were not self-honest, I have committed myself to STOP myself participating within such patterns and preventing myself to make the same mistakes again by giving into energetic experiences to be more than these actually are to the degree of disregarding actual reality, facts and in fact others as well.

I had multiple relationships previously, wherein I was convincing myself that my affection, sexual desire, exciting feelings towards someone is love actually, meanwhile it was not consistent, was based on polarity, based on what I perceive positive for myself and at the end all turned out to be not really being real, as a bubble – bursted in an instant. Then I was finding myself with this crappy experience and emotion of loss and sadness, when I realized that I was following a mirage in the desert which was not real, and eventually I had to wake up.
Or if I did not dare/want to wake up, then slowly accumulating manifested consequences showed me what’s really real, thus my delusions, confusion and self-dishonesty.

After walking some years of Self-forgiveness, I was postponing to head on to topics, which I believed to be ‘great’, ‘huge’, ‘difficult’, and I am sure the word and all my memories, associations and beliefs, desires and fears about it – and how I defined all of this in relation to the ‘size’ of this point to be honest about – that LOVE is the most difficult one, so I postponed until I could.

Currently walking into responsible life-partnership and I found myself being comfortable to hear, say and express LOVE as never before.

I even projected out my self-dishonesties about it towards my previous partners, and as they do not walk the very specific, disciplined and extremely effective Desteni I Process online course and structured awareness-support tools, they just could not understand why I have difficulty in relation to any form of connection to LOVE.

Nowadays I find myself much-much more grounded and trust-able in terms of what I decide and say, I will do, which is in a way also related to how to LIVE words, so that they are powerful, not just empty words, because if I say so, I do so as well.

So when I posted today pictures about my LOVED ONES – I specifically found myself comfortable and ready, open and stable about it to see/realize and understand what I mean by really LIVING these words, not as a feeling, as self-interest, as energy, as consciousness personality patterns, but actually bringing into reality of how I am re-defining of how to live LOVE.

I’ve been looking this word since quite a long time, even by investigating the context and story of Jesus, as ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’, or ‘Give as you would like to receive’, which is a great support when I could become uncertain about how to relate or interact with others, or hey: even myself!

Many people forget this point that I should love myself, and many just say or assume they do, but it’s also a question of ‘what it actually and really means to love?’

Support:

Instead of focusing to a generically defined ‘overwhelming experience’ – how about to look at specifying self-expression?

Instead of focusing to the attraction experience itself toward my partner, which is about actually myself, focus to what actions, interactions, communications I initiate, move, direct and share in physical reality.

I mean, it’s common sense – any love which is only within my bucket of feelings – is meaningless and ONLY the action, the manifested consequence, what actually involves others can be real.

So, when couples keep saying ‘I love you’ all the time and they do not openly and honestly communicate, when there is spite, unsaid, unheard expectation, judgement, it’s better to talk about it and get to practical agreement and conclusion, otherwise any reoccurring thought-feeling-emotion pattern would just grow within the individual(s), thus the thought, word and action of Love is not exactly the same and that’s problem, a separation.

So, when I say LOVE – I check, if I am unified within thought, word and deed, what is common sense, what should be priority, how to manifest it and am I doing everything I can within the principles I’ve committed myself to exist in relation to myself, my family and the whole world?

Is there any hidden agenda, fear, uncertainty, judgement or desire what makes me think or feel automatically, and within those moments I am not fully present, directive and actually self-honest?

And it’s normal if something comes up, in relation to past, or in the present, or even about the future, this does not mean to live like a monk with being extremely focused all the time, like stretching a muscle to not fall out from presence – that’s also indication of resistance, fear for a reason – again: self-dishonesty.

Just to be able to open up a point when appears, while not fall into it, from stability and reliability to reactions and in case of I can’t re-align, forgive and solve it, I communicate, I ask for support, openly, honestly and directly.

For me walking DIP Agreement Course for more than a year literally meant to be able to learn a lot about myself, as everyone wants to establish love and partnership, relationship and agreement with a nice partner, but it actually starts with Self: to know myself enough, to answer what I really want, honestly, what parts, personalities, wants and fears within me I accept and allow and what of those are the points of self-dishonesty and how can I sort them out?

For instance jealousy – it can literally kill relationship and marriage. So how can I establish an agreement with myself first on how to deal with it in case of it would appear? And then I investigate what is this within me – before even having a partner, or if I already have, still, working on this point before the ‘thing’ would ‘happen’.
And I agree on what to do, how to solve it, how I stand and what is self-honest – BEFORE an emotional shit-storm would hit me and I would be overwhelmed, distracted and completely preoccuppied.

It’s just an example of how to work with agreement and my responsibility is my ‘loved ones’ and family, yes, but primarily is to be able to establish and live the same with myself first, as this might sound strange, to have relationship with myself, but exactly it is what can support, so when difficulties come, I am prepared and I can remain stable within the ‘love’ and ‘family’.

In a way – it’s maybe easier and more simple and direct to sort out when it’s about myself. For instance: although jealousy might 2 people’s point to solve, it’s something I accept within myself, therefore it’s entirely my responsibility to solve and in a way it does not matter how the other behaves. I still can establish what I accept and allow, or what we agree on and what to expect then, but it must be very clear communication to prevent any unforeseen and thus automatically escalating issue. Or to have an agreement between me and my partner on how to solve not yet agreed upcoming issues.

The thing is that if I rely to emotions and feelings of love to keep the relationship/marriage together, then I am actually relying to something what is not Self – as the happy feelings can come and go, and without those energies if I can’t remain stable and reliable, then I am just a rag doll in the wind. Especially if I don’t understand how and why feelings are within me in relation to the relationship, the other participant.

So, by looking the word love and what’s behind it within me, how to ensure that I stick to the ‘plan’ of Living and sharing my Love the best way possible, the purification and re-definition of the word itself is suggested.

Consider what are the conditions of your love towards your ‘loved ones’? Is there any? What is unconditional within it and what do you think why?

If I fear that the happy feeling would disappear when I would start asking these questions, because this might mean doubt, then I also should ask the question: Do I fully understand how a thought, an emotion or a feeling is being created, experienced, reacted to within my mind? What can I trust and why?

To think that all of my mind, thoughts and feelings are just good as they are ‘automatically’, that my family’s education, the world system’s imprinting was just perfect, so I am already the best version of myself and no need, no place for improvement – then I am maybe not honest with myself. Again, for a reason, what should be understood.

Enjoy, love, share:

Tala Joseph

Day 333 – Worry and dealing with it

IMG_0532Today writing about Worry. I think I have been trough this recently.

I am stable in this moment, thus it’s time to look back, what was happening, why and to see, how to move forward from this.
I have committed myself to do several things of what I never did before and while finding my stable ground, learning practical experiences within these various ‘new’ areas, I am facing with some stumbling experience within.

I must clarify – I am much more stable than I ever was before, but still there is place for improvement, which might seem as some sort of obsession and mental fixation to strive for Self-Perfection, but it is nothing of that kind. It’s simply by looking into me and to answer the question –

Am I absolutely, brutally self honest about this very specific point I am looking at in this moment?

And if no, then I must change, otherwise I accumulate acceptance of self-dishonesty – willingly, which leads to where I exactly know what is, as I’ve been there before, that’s where I am actually ‘coming from’ here, also through this blog sharing, The Journey to Life, from self-dishonesty to dignity and honoring the best possible version of myself.
Recently I wrote a letter to someone, wherein I explained this (actually it’s a desteni interview with Gurdjieff, who I quoted, but that 2-3 minutes assisted me tremendously, thus I like to share it, maybe someone else also could find it supportive.)

The time for unification is here, I like this word, that’s why it’s my blog’s title as well, what I started in 2008: because if I put myself into and as these words:

I am already a unified man.

Then from this starting point I am able to see, feel and understand what I still have to open up, purify, remove and let go of from my core of my very being and thus to move forward, consistently without any doubt.

Worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, fear of loss are certainly not unknown for me, especially within my conscious, thinking mind, thus I have the ability to deal with them in a way, what’s constructive and not just distraction and suppression, but actual, problem-preventive solution.
What I feel nowadays is a bit different, it’s more physical, deeper and direct as now my conscious mind is not blocking my way to do what I really want, but when I face with new situation, I can definitely hear my heartbeat in my ear and to realize that I only have myself in this moment to apply.

It’s similarly heightened experience, when one would imagine being in the jungle among wild animals and it’s about being in this moment, but not too afraid, because that would petrify or distract me.
It’s actually very self-empowering to see that who I really am is not really getting hurt or getting disappointed with rejections, mistakes or failures, as my current situation is not surviving in jungle against beasts, so it’s just a symbolism.

But still, there is this inherent, physical, resonant worry I feel and often it goes away as I move through it and I discover ‘an unknown’, I learn and expand, and some returns from time to time, until I do not become honest with myself about it and find a practical solution.
I used to be addicted to fear, at least a decade ago, I proudly shouted to anyone, I am not afraid of anything, but in fact, first and foremost, I was so afraid from myself, to be present, honest and truly open with myself. It’s so obvious, that if someone does not fear anyone, can face the worst in this world – they still can be afraid of themselves, it’s completely different scenario.

Actually, also myself, I was fueling my acting out as of not-fearing in the world by the inherent inner fear I constantly experienced on a physical, resonant level, just in relation and towards myself, here.
Sounds horrible, but I am sure of many, many people can relate to this, just maybe never explored their word-set to be able to write or say it as directly as exists.

Facing all I’ve ever done, from the nasty, the selfish, the evil – even if I am being considered as such a nice guy, each moment matters, not only in the mind, but within and as our physical body we accumulate. Each thought, feeling and emotion is being created, going through and essentially affecting, influencing, in a way transforming our own body, every day, hour and minute, constantly. Literally resonating, like a sound vibration energy, and thus, to believe that it does affect would be just unwise.

To be able to face, understand, stop and start changing our conscious mind, when the so praised ‘no thoughts’ can start to expand is just the first step within true transcendence of self-dishonesty and self-limitation.
It is, and always was and will be, our human physical body, the source and destination, which through – and as – we only can truly live in each moment.

After(and still) walking Desteni I Process courses since several years now, I see, that there is so much ahead, but without these years I’ve already walked, I still would be lost within my mind.

So, in short: physical body support, there are many more minds to transcend. The greatest ever made online ‘university‘ about transcendence, true psychology and the science of the human psyche is obviously EQAFE.COM.
There is nothing even slightly similar online what could be compared to this vast amount of theoretical and practical information database about how humans work from the consciousness and mind level.

I am grateful that this exists, especially the group behind it, who are truly inspirational within their consistent and restless effort to keep sharing more and more refined and relevant interviews to support real change and the betterment of humanity.
This is what I am going to do also: for my personal experience, resonant worry, facing the physical mind, to be able to take responsibility for this type of self-resistance and limitation, I check for interviews at EQAFE.COM.

After a minute, I’ve found a lot of support about worry:
https://eqafe.com/p/self-forgiveness-on-the-experience-of-worry

I just read this aloud several pages – I understand more about the nature of my worry, as walking through various aspects, starting points and dimensions of worry and I saw my own fear of loss, wanting to control, which then I can open up further to assist and support myself to be able to use my time much more effectively than spending it to useless, actually counter-productive worry.

So, even when I am not actively thinking about, still worry can be result of participating within it in the past and can be triggered by scenarios, experiences and it might even seems to be so direct that I could believe(justify) that this is so inherent that it’s part of me, who I am, but in fact it’s self-dishonesty to say something like that.

Also when people, parents justify their worry to the point of becoming ineffective, it’s self-dishonest.
I also see now, to look after a child, and when does something dangerous in the moment, it’s kind of scary, I have to jump to catch him, otherwise would suffer an accident. But I see that worry does not help, rather to be on point, disciplined, focused, present and to ensure that I do all I can to prevent the problems I would worry about.

  • So this is also a great way to transform, re-define worry, to use it creatively, with active, self-directed imagination, not that I would allow it to roam free and I become this worry-wart.
  • When I see worry, I stop, see what is the nature, subject and relationship of it and I see what I can do to ensure, this is prevented?And to also actually see, that there is place for worry if I am not doing everything I can to prevent the thing I worry about to happen.

Well, it’s actually common sense, as if I do all I can, there is no place and time for worry, right?

  • So whenever I worry, it’s a cross-referencing self-reflection point of I am not focusing to solution/prevention, thus I should re-align, self-forgive and initiate self-directed action.

Another support about worry:

Yes, for these interviews/documents, there is a price, but if I look at that an ordinary dinner in Europe is about 15-20 Euro, so to be able to stand up to and learn a lot about how to deal with worry, for a lifetime – I’d gladly support those, who do every day work for these interviews to become on-line(they are no corporation, no government support, just some very cool people)

Day 332 – Patience and commitment

IMG_2295Continuing with Patience and discipline. This is a kind of ‘ranting’.

Last time I was writing about the inspiration about and to learn to live PATIENCE.

I am currently living patience by consistently applying the things I’ve committed to do every day within a consistent velocity to accumulate the effort until the result is manifested in the physical.

In a way, the topic, the method, the practical detail is not even relevant, but who I am within this and how I perceive, experience, see, feel and am being in general is what I want to focus here tonight.

Interesting to be able to see the abstract – yet still remain 100% practical with ground to earth moments living here in physical.

Patience is pretty much related to the physical flesh, the matter: it’s consistency, in a way – predictability is the perfect self-reflection tool to exactly be able to see who I really am without any consciousness mind noise. Actions speak, facts tell, not thoughts, neither feelings.

Of course, it’s relevant how I feel, but it’s not something to take granted or to use as reference point – especially when dealing with self-dishonesty within.

Every day I ask myself the question – can I do more for what I committed to achieve? And if I say ‘no’ – then I still cross-reference – really? Or I just answer to myself to feel better to hide or disregard or to shadow a point, even if it’s just tiny, of what I still could have tried or done additionally or differently.

Doubting myself would be self-sabotage actually, if I would fall into self-criticism so much, that the resulting reactions, frustrations would distract, obstruct me from remaining on point of effectiveness.

So, I am learning a different kind of patience as before.

And the more I see not being good enough based on the world I interact with, the less I doubt, that I am re-committing myself to continue with my decision to live it within disciplined principle.

In a way, I also can see, that there is this HUGE UNKNOWN at my door all the time, and it’s kind of heart-throbbing, I find myself present with myself, with empty mind, nothing to bring or use with me when facing it, and then I do – and realize – it is myself I discover, face and get to know. Today, literally I had this experience, being totally alone in all of existence, facing this kind of semi-anxiety, yet excitement, and to see that I only can and should trust myself and there is nothing else, so I applied: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get distracted with reactions from what’s here and I wrote words what I direct myself to live and I breathe – and in a minute, it was very stable again. But it was very fascinating to see that if I start to judge, define, relate and compare this ‘self’ experience and expression, I can completely mess it up and thus myself too. But it was alright, to risk, to make mistake, to learn, to discover. And so I did.

And the funny thing about seeing it as scary: it’s because it is suddenly here: everything I always wanted to avoid, hide, escape from, and within walking right into it’s center, another funny thing I realize: that the real scare is not actually facing and embracing my fears, but to discover what is behind them.

I always believed that the undefined is where I will find myself, freedom and power, because all of my definitions I’ve proven to be limited, delusional and self-dishonest. However, the more I decompose of my self-definitions, the merrier it’s common sense to re-define myself in a structured, self- and life-honoring way.

Thus, patience is not something I run out of, discipline is not something I get tired from, or commitment is not something I lose being motivated from, because within the re-definition there is no energy, polarity or self-dishonesty. Why should I define in a way where I am not able to live words the best possible and supportive way? And if still there is something not practical, it will be obvious within applying it and then I re-adjust, re-define, and then re-align within my application until it’s being cross-referenced in the living flesh, in and as this world. Fascinating.

This process, of walking the self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-purification with words, to re-define the words and to learn how to honour life, self and others equally with common sense is the truth I am sharing, because this is who I am and encouraging everyone to consider, investigate and also invest into, because each of our process is different in their life, but we all are walking the same: from self-limitation to self-honesty and self-liberation.

And if you have method, process, way to be more honest, supportive and caring, please do so, just ensure that you are cross-referencing and be absolutely, even brutally honest with yourself, that you are not deluding with some energy, positive, feeling or hope-based bubble, because eventually all bubbles burst.

It’s so simple: I have thoughts, feelings, emotions – all word-based – and if I can’t describe what I feel, experience with words – it’s already an indication that I am suppressing, not being honest with myself, I am unable to see myself directly – thus means I am separated from myself, I am not the director of my life, I am not honest with myself, therefore I utilize the process with words to discover, establish and get to know what is this thing called ‘me’ exactly.

Writing is great, because I stabilize, I slow down, I focus, I discipline, I direct, I move. And it remains here. Use that, enjoy that, honour that and ask yourself the question:

Is there something you could do better – at all – any tiny thing? Why not doing it, what’s the excuse? Is it valid? How and why?

What do you really want, desire the most, or what you resist, despise or fear the greatest? Why, and how?

These are things I should consider starting with.

Patience is key, no matter what is the topic, but to actually live it, I have to remove distractions, polarities, self-dishonesty. Thus consistent application, every day 3 minutes is great, and if you can’t do, ask why? Is it real? Are you real? Do you want to be?
What’s real? Science, religion would tell? Why? Can’t I figure out, trying to live it?
Why not?
Limitation is not in the physical, it’s in the mind. Deal with that!

In terms of my current ‘real life’ process – I sometimes see distractions, which are like ‘tentacles from my past’ – when I focus to the other person and I start wonder what’s up, I realize, I am not focusing to my responsibilities, thus I breathe, I re-align. And when I am ‘here’ – I can initiate communication, but not with the reaction ‘energy’, rather than with curiosity, to see how can I support and understand more.

This approach also helps to understand that if something is not ‘ideal’ – is that something I can or should ‘fix’ – or it’s just some thought-emotion-pattern temptation I am facing.

For instance to return to the previous example: when I start question about other(s) doing what they should or are doing all right or not – if I go into worry, fear, remember some bad shit memory and I feel falling for even one moment – then I can give into the energy – which is also a cool indication that this is related to something I just participated within.
Thus, to stop, breathe, re-align and to see – what I was thinking, what was the trigger situation, thought, visual or just memory I am automated by to go into distraction.

For-giving myself is like unification with creator, created and creation itself.

Absolutely mind-blowing to do!

And again – distraction also can be turned into gift if I note it, write it down, remember, investigate it, because it’s always a full context, story and often even multi-dimensional pattern or construct I live in my mind. And it mostly distracts, diverts, pulls me away from reality, others, actual situations, thus I should be able to recognize it before I go out of sync with reality.

It might not seem as problematic if it’s just a moment, or more, but as everything in existence: this also accumulates.

Imagine driving and texting together – the more I text, the less I can drive safely and effectively. Maybe I will be all right, maybe I will miss a critical moment to prevent tragedy.

All of this I just mention, because

  • I can ‘work’ on qualities within self from multiple angles: focusing to specific words, situations to open up, understand, forgive and let go the dishonest patterns, re-define and change;
  • and also can focus to do the same with the meanwhile upcoming distractions, temptations, reactions.

The mind can be very throughout to be able to constantly preoccupy my presence, but the more I deal with it, I can realize that the mind is not the enemy, and the more I embrace, understand and be able to change it, the more it is a structured support in terms of when it moves, I don’t thus indicates self-dishonesty in a very systematic way.

And to learn that to read, deal with is essential life-skill, for which DESTENIIPROCESS.COM is crucial.

Re-defining words 

Day 331 – Living Patience

IMG_2397Re-evaluating and re-defining patience as Patience is Life

Since some weeks I am living with a person, who I see as being able to express extreme amount of patience and kindness and I was wondering about myself in the same situation.
When I told her how I find her expression about this as exemplary, she told me that she thinks that this is just normal thing, but according to my experience, understanding and knowledge, what she is living within stability is extraordinary. Quite inspiring and somewhat a wake up call for myself to see/realize and understand that my previous and current definition and expression of patience is quite limited, conditional and still based on self-interest. That’s why it’s my responsibility to decompose those patterns my personality/mind/memories/patterns consisting of in relation to the word Patience and to purify and re-define to prepare myself for Living Patience.

As I see, it is a decision, that what I commit myself to stand for and then within that standing I am unwavering, constant and consistent, no matter what.
For instance – patience with a kid. I’ve seen many examples about lack of patience parents showing, that seemed as normal, and although I easily could ‘judge’ them, also the same way I could ‘justify’ their actions, or let’s say the ‘fallacy’ into impatience, which is: not standing with and as the decision within action of what the person realized about what would be the best for the child.

Justification or excuse, such as ‘tiredness’, ‘distraction’, ‘it’s normal’, ‘a human thing’, ‘the child was nasty’, etc happens every day, yet there are people who are living Patience in relation to a point – about teaching, business, gardening, or within our example: ‘parenting’ – in a way, wherein no justification or excuse could influence the living action of Patience.
As I grew up, it was ‘normal’ to shout at the child, even hit them, which now seems so brutal and in theory many people agree that never shout/hit should be the ‘ideal’ way, yet a lot of parents admit that they can shout to the child in a not supportive way or even hit them to make them do what they want the child to do. And after all, even being able to justify it, thus they don’t feel bad afterwards.

For me this was always a point to ‘solve’ – I hated when my family grownups did hit me, in a way I lost my trust to them, or realized they are not really that great,  so I was sure I would never hit a child, yet I was not aware of how to be that patient to be able to live that decision as well in the way what stands for the child’s support. Well, now I see that point with the person I share life with and she lives these words directly in the flesh, thus she not only inspires me, but also supports me with realizing a lot about this and the re-definition and living words as well.

Much more to be investigated about this…

By asking her about it, she revealed that within Living Patience, she simply does not focus to her point of view, but considering the child, who needs support, and from that, it’s irrelevant of how much time it will take of her to give that specific support the child requires, but simply to express that, thus, in this sense, time does not matters or exists at all.

It’s interesting to realize that with a simple re-alignment of the definition of a word, how much it’s living expression can change.
Instead of me, as I used to see, consider, ‘expand’ and ‘strengthen’ my patience before according to my own patience in relation to how much time I must ‘endure’ stuff I’ve previously defined as not cool and ‘has to be given’ or even ‘sacrificed’ – according to my own self-interest; the solution is to focus to the person I am supporting, and then it’s not about my definition, level of patience actually, yet in reality, this is how I Live Patience Unconditionally.

And I might or will have resistances to live the word like that, but then it’s not that I have to ‘grow’ my patience, but to simply purify myself from giving into temptations of NOT TO LIVE PATIENCE. Fascinating.

By looking my ‘previous’ definition of the word, it was also polarity-based, quantity-based: how much, how long I can ‘maintain’ patience. Self-interest, according to what is good for me.

The re-definition is without polarity, without amount, positive or negative: simply to live and express, what’s supportive for the person I commit myself to support.

That’s why the self-introspection, investigation and re-definition of words is so important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand that I’ve been looking, interpreting, defining and expressing words on the physical level based on my interest, of what I think as good for me, or what I think would be good for others, but only through the filter of ‘what I think’ according to my interest only.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve been looking and expressing the word Patience through and with Energy, as believing that Patience has to be fueled, and thus can last, and then ‘run out’ and then I am ‘impatient’ and not realizing that this is still reflecting back pure self-interest, because if the Patience is in relation to someone else, then I only can live it until I can be patient, and then I ‘automatically’ become the complete opposite, as impatient, and thus I can’t support with that unreliability within consistency, thus I actually not live patience at all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that Patience can be seen through the decision to stand with or for someone or something and then to live and express in living action, it’s not about me only, and thus when applying consistently what is required to live my decision, it’s not running out, or if I feel so, then it is a temptation and distraction to give up and I can see that and deal with it, but still live the Patience in relation to the initial decision to do/support/live something I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I got comfortable to justify and accept excuses within my thinking and energetically feeling patterns about why not need to live and apply patience in relation to someone or something and actually believing those justifications and excuses to be valid and/or never question, cross-reference those to see that I am lying to myself, not honoring myself and the decision, the person I decided to support.

I forgive myself that I have not got effective, structured and consistent with dealing with, walking through and remain unwavering in regarding to temptations of give up decision and patience, due to self-interest, and not realizing that it’s about decision, technique and consistent application without self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have got ‘cocooned’ into the belief system that this world is cruel and I have to think for myself and I must consider myself first and only support others, if I am feeling good already, while not considering that ‘me feeling good’ is also related to a belief system, what with I can abuse this point in regarding to self-interest with completely remaining certain of that ‘I can’t do anything’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the priority to ‘feel good’ is a deception, because I focus to internal, thought-initiated, self-generated feelings to follow, not principle, discipline and actual decisions, such as support, be patient with/for someone, because ‘it feels difficult’ – and just, because it feels so, justifying that I can’t or should not do it.

I commit myself to stop living and making decisions according to what I feel, because it can be result of already self-created, self-believed justification system in order to hide from responsibilities and living honoring all life equally, with priority of what is actually here, for instance family.

I commit myself to remove any and all self-interest from the definition of Patience word, and trust and honor myself with the decisions I make to stand with.

I honor myself and others with sticking to my decisions and support I stand for and effectively deal with temptations, justifications and excuses within consistency through applying self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing, and if needed, to ask for assistance and share.

I commit myself to Live Patience within supporting someone in regarding to be able to see what’s best for the individual, but cross-referenced, discussed with related persons to ensure that what I do is really supportive and then live that patience without giving into excuses, without energy, but as a living decision of who I am as living support unconditionally, until it’s required and practical common sense.

I am grateful for all the support and patience I got from others and I see that giving back is natural self-expression; and it is actually an enjoyment, as a decision to live to giving back to other persons, the world, nature and in overall existence.

For instance to see that with living the Patience in regarding to supporting someone and to see the individual stabilize, grow and expand – it is the connection as life with ‘me in another life’, thus actually I am equal and one with the person I live Patience in regarding to support.

Day 330 – Directing Self-change

What I find as crucial within directing self-change and literally facing the unknown within (myself) and without(in the world) is to establish direct self-communication, self-honesty and self-agreement.
Since about 2 weeks, I’ve stripped away myself from about 2/3 of my habits I’ve participated before. Well, it’s still within finding balance and evaluating what’s still relevant and what was due to distraction and avoidance and it’s genuinely an enjoyment to find the values, interests and motivations within the activities I still do, plan to continue or going to introduce.
What’s clear is that there are no addictions, frustrations, worries, anxieties or fears surfacing, that is due to the exceptional support I’ve got and walked myself equally from DesteniIProcess online course and the individuals of the community.
It’s truly inspiring to see others also to walk their self-change into reality, wherein they stop various emotional, mental and even physical problems with walking the same blog/vlog and self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statement structure within consistently.
Also relevant to note that I’ve been living in a quite of a defensive mechanism before, which I am releasing and letting go, especially in relation to allowing myself to feel, express and enjoy; trust, share and directly live and for that I am honored and grateful for my partner.
Furthermore, to face and direct self within change, by my recent participation within this year’s European Desteni Meetup, I’ve got support for my being/mind/body ‘unification’ by spending time with Sunette Spies, who greatly assisted me to bring up the points I really needed to hear:
To purify, re-define and live the words of planning, consideration, structure, organize and stability, while to enjoy, express and also to have fun!
After all, what is the self-change I am directing? Exactly to live these words! I see some points within myself as I’ve been stuck since quite a while, but did not consider before that it’s because I was not structuring, planning and considering within the context of REALITY AWARENESS.
I used to – unconsciously – trust within my gut, the system, others, which was an inverted way to hide from ‘LACK of SELF-TRUST‘, due to not being stable, not enjoying myself and the directions I’ve managed to find myself within and in overall the suppression of my natural self-expression due to fear from manifesting irreversible consequences.
Writing this blog, to see what I am still holding within my mind, the points, that are not ‘here’ – not ‘supporting’ and not ‘really relevant’ – and then to apply self-forgiveness is greatly assisting to be exactly aware of my reality within and without as well.
Since a while, as being in a relationship, starting to see that I am beyond my previous partnership, certainly, also in relation to the points I’ve faced about myself with the individual who I was with, but the actual points, issues I was not taking responsibility for are still ‘waiting’ to be lived within self-correction and self-change.
For instance, providing stable support, reliability, trust, honesty, loyalty and to direct open and effective communication are key within establishing a mutually supportive and greatly enjoyable agreement/partnership.
By walking DIP Agreement course (http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships) – I was supported to go through many of the aspects of a honest and supportive relationship already, but all the realizations, acknowledgements, decisions I’ve made are now, in a way ‘ready to be lived’.
Of course, being flexible and not getting lost on the path by also being aware of the principle and direction(be kind with each other and give as would like to receive within equality and oneness, investigate all things and keep what is best for all participants) – it’s every day something to face, correct and expand with.
Beyond the structure, planning and all the stabilization, which I’ve postponed already too long, so actually enjoying to do nowadays, considering an also very important aspect: to have fun and enjoy.
Previously I’ve easily managed to stop having fun by bothering myself with problems, what I did not take responsibility for, and instead of focusing to solution, I’ve reacted, spent time within frustration or becoming obsessed with some perfection in my mind, completely unrelated to reality – it’s actually no fun.
But to realize that it’s all up to me and thus I can change my attitude, starting point and expression: it’s something I am honored to do with the motivation for something greater than me actually, as there are others in my life, which again: supports with stabilization of the mind, equalization for the excitement from word-emotion-energy-based automatic triggers towards self-honest movement-based physical expression.
This is where I am currently, and thanks for reading.