Day 279 – Finding Courage in Change

cour1Continuing on the Self-suppression investigation-correction.

Directly bringing into the perspective the word and it’s associations: courage.

It’s courage to break through the limitation, the web of self-conviction, halo of justifications and excuses about why I should not move, express and live in regarding to the specific situation I programmed myself to suppress.

It’s courage to find out and explore what is self-honest and how to express it through and as saying and expressing, becoming and living words.

It’s courage to re-define the relationships which through I find meaning and purpose, reason and drive, logic and passion, determination and stance, motivation and direction.

It’s courage to break through the fear of making mistakes, fear of loss, fear of consequence, fear of fear itself, shortly: fear of self. Especially the unknown, which is the most scariest, because I do not know what I am going to do, feel, become, thus rendering any and all knowledge useless and directly experience who I really am in and as here without way out, no past to rely to, no future to project into, but really real, in and as the physical presence, consistently, always, unconditionally.

This is not something I desire for or want to be special with, not even I need to choose, it’s what’s practical common sense to re-align and re-birth with the physical application of the courage to take responsibility for all what is here in and as myself without self-definition, without self-limitation, no polarity.
In terms of the previous posts of suppression and conflict avoidance, the courage I commit myself to live is to not fear from testing out and expressing my speaking up towards others the things I justified not to tell;

I commit myself to not worry from losing someone or something and based on that not to tell when I see it’s the most honest and direct way to establish integrity and self-honesty within myself in regarding to someone, who I defined as one who I should not tell what I feel/see/think and within that to realize that I do not need to suppress feelings or emotions, rather than to see what is the reason, the source, the fear, the self-defined separation/polarity self-definition within and behind it and by that to let go and forgive that I have allowed and accepted this to define what to do and not to do, who I should feel and to be in order to avoid to experience that fear which I also defined that it could change me if could not stop and to realize that I lose much more if I give into this fear than when letting it go, because I am always the strongest at my weakest point, herein this condition, this mind-state, this relationship I am enslaved by in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to purify and let go definitions of what I should do or should not do according to any worry or fear of consequence, losing something or somebody, especially to lose something in my mind as relationship based on the self-interest applied as not speaking up in order to avoid conflict, avoid being opposed, avoid challenged to make my stance within my decision and within that the opportunity to being wrong and then needing to admit and correct it accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to always ensure that I stand firm in relation to my mind, my personal feelings, emotions and desires, resistances and fears and reminding myself that accumulation what brought me here, and whatever is limiting, frustrating also can and should be decomposed with further writing, opening up, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and action.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to purify the word COURAGE to let go polarity and self-interest-based definitions, associations, emotional and feeling reactions in order to be able to see my relationship with this word and to be able to re-define it according to self-honesty and the principle of what is best for all participants here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s easy to go into the mind to overwhelm it by start thinking about the term ‘what is best for all’ and within that to come up and accept justifications and excuses why not change myself to be able to act according to that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being occupied and narrowminded with the obsession of ‘wanting to have and prove and create’ courage – I am limiting myself because I only see what I want to see and the strive to live the word by a definition which is not self-honest, because it relies to external conditions, such as ‘to create/have/prove courage, I should and must do this and that’ – instead of directly live the word courage in each moment in relation to myself and existence here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined the word courage as something heroic, extraordinary, which requires huge amount of effort and sacrifice, diligence and discipline, which I do never have for too long, therefore allowed to twist the definition of courage based on memories, personality definitions and conditions, energetic experiences, which are in fact not really supporting me in any moment and thus it’s not real courage, only self-created delusion, thus I stop participate and let it go completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the courage is to live within self honesty in each moment equally, regardless of any internal or external condition and not to accept anything less that who I can be within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood that to go energetic experiences, obsessions, desires wherein I am limiting my interest to the things I want or resist is the opposite of courage, but an escape into self-delusion, thus I commit myself to stop chasing experiences and be honest of my actual and common sensical needs in order to live and expand within self-growth and awareness, responsibility.

What points I take responsibility by stopping suppression and starting to live actual courage to change and re-define living?

The tendency to get obsessed with material things, such as money, electronic gear, car, clothes and/or attraction/desire for woman/sex and also the need for being accepted, liked, supported, respected, being attracted to.

Recently I was opening up to ‘go out’ and get what I want, such as social life, partnering up, buying things and it was cool, actually took courage to step out from the suppression and simply ‘try to live’.
This is in fact quite usual human ‘occupation’, but if my starting point is of self-interest, it’s my responsibility to change it – myself.

Walking Desteni I Process course since a while really supports me to stop the doubt, the thinking, and get into action and accumulate self-trust, but it’s also equally crucial to continue walking this self-change, because I do see that I am still not 100% present, self-honest and empty, never-driven by energetic experiences, so I continue writing this blog, doing the online course and accumulate understanding and change.

Suppression is big part of the problem here, as I do suppress not only emotional reactions, but also actual needs for support, expression, care and to the point of so much accumulated energy I feel in the mind to discharge somehow, that within that state I am not really aware of what would be actual self-expression and what is complete obsession to some energetic addiction to feed.

Within these cases then the justification can come up to go into it, engage and then will see, what’s this is about and then wanting to stop once understanding that this is of self-dishonesty and all the way not realizing the fact that by the very starting point of suppression I am sabotaging my self-trust, self-integrity and self-honesty, thus until I am not standing here undefined, empty and unwaveringly present here, I should not trust any of these desires, energetic experiences as something I should follow/feed/react to.

That’s it for now, will continue on self-correction.

Day 278 – Avoiding conflict

IMG_4162-EditContinuing on Suppression self-liberation process.
Let’s do a rant on what I see to prepare an effective self-forgiveness to be specifically aware of the self-accepted self-dishonest patterns to support myself to make the stand to stop and change those points as myself directly.

Last time stopped at the word and the personality around of the word ‘conflict‘ as something to avoid at all costs.

I was looking at this word during the last week and there are things I did not say to people around me before but several times I had the thoughts in my mind. I wanted to know, what are the reasons not to say out aloud, so also looked at.

It seems like there are several always ‘returning’ topics within my self-realization process as I am peeling off the onion-layers of the mind and this is also like that: avoiding conflict is not specific enough, because at certain scenarios I do not mind, more specifically: I do not care of the consequence of me saying things causing conflict. But to add to that, also can happen that in other times I deliberately trigger certain consequences within others, meaning causing them to have conflict within themselves. Fascinating. It looks like that avoiding internal conflict is what I am up to and if that I have to ‘protect’, I do not really think twice to put that onto others. But am I really? This is also not specific enough, there are certain individuals who are exception to that. The question is why.

I used to live within constant internal conflict, that was the main reason to start the journey to liberation/freedom by studying the mind and the consciousness systems, because I fed up with what I ‘contain’ within my head and causing me living in a mind-prison. Especially with the fact that the more inner conflict I ‘self-inflict’, the less I am able to make clean assessment and decisions, meaning compromising my common sense, stability and overall performance, regardless of the topic and I really do not like this, because that means I am highly ineffective, imperfect, more likely to fail and then fall.
That is a pressure, not wanting to fail, remain imperfect, thus it’s a strong motivation to avoid inner conflict. Here ‘fall’ means I have this experience of hitting rock bottom from where I do require time and effort to pull myself together. Which I also do not really enjoy, especially when realizing that I am within a time loop for instance, meaning repeating a pattern which does not support me or others and I see it but still not stopping.

In terms of external conflict, it’s also something to avoid, because if it’s too much, I also can have the tendency to react to it, which means the same: going into reactions, compromising presence, direction, effectiveness, accumulating doubt, hesitation, frustration, anger. Also cool point to pronounce ‘when it’s too much’ and ‘why’ ?

However within the whole self-stabilizing pattern the flaw and fault is that regardless of how much I can see the pattern I behave as, how uncomfortable, frustrating, self-limiting and de-stabilizing things come, at times I do not dig deeper, I do not even consider the option to somehow learn more about this behavior and figure out a way to change myself, but rather finding new tactics to cope with it, to equalize myself, to live with this pattern, as believing this is part of me, which is in fact self-dishonest, because I am responsible for what I accept and allow and how can I give into it to accept it until I have never even tried everything of my abilities to stop and change?

Well, mostly these patterns ruled my life before starting Desteni I Process education, which is exactly for these kind of self-sabotaging patterns to understand and change, but at times still can influence my daily living. That’s why I decompose these patterns further.

This blog is also the journey, that’s why it’s Journey to Life, because from where I start, is Consciousness to Awareness, where is I am conned by patterns what do not support me and actually all life, and by becoming aware of how these patterns work, I see my direct responsibility of how to stop participating and start re-defining my Life, word by word, act by act, breath by breath.


I forgive myself that I have not realized by avoiding conflicts I am actually responsible for allowing it to be in this world, regardless of being within me or outside of me, as I am also the world, as cannot separate myself from it, regardless of what thoughts, beliefs, projections I can occupy myself with.

I forgive myself that I have not dared to say and do things what I believed would bring inner or external conflict to preserve my perceived and guarded peace, which I defined as opposite of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being afraid of conflict became addicted to the experience of perceived opposite and defined it as peace and not realizing what I am compromising in order to maintain that and meanwhile by being occupied of this experience, not actually seeing what I am being afraid and why and to free myself from it by finding a practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense of whenever I become unstable, reactive and emotional to first and foremost stabilize and re-align myself back to here, within physical presence and self-directive principle and not go into the reactions and allow my mind to be triggered by those reactions and then acting upon those.

I forgive myself that I have not dared to realize that fearing of failing is self-dishonest because in the moment I participate in the fear, I am not able to actually discipline myself with my fullest potential to actually prevent the failure I am about to manifest, therefore to stop reacting, stabilizing, breathing, being here is inevitable, thus this is what I should do in case of losing presence and self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop and change any pattern within my mind what I see/realize and understand that it’s self-dishonest and I do not have to fear from looking into it deeply and more in details, because I can change myself and I trust myself within this and thus nothing within me I could not understand and stop/change and re-define in terms of who I am and what I stand up to, such as here to self-honesty.


When and as I see a conflict in front of me or within me which I want to avoid, I fear facing it’s consequence of my falling, failing in relation to it, I stabilize myself, bringing back here, into and as physical and realize that I can understand how this works and why and I can and should stop and change this behavior, personality, pattern and instead of focusing to reactions, self-judgement, I should focus to practical change.

When and as I see that I am conflicted within by a decision I can’t make in the moment and building up tension, I apply the solution to stabilize myself and step out from the mind character pattern-flow by realizing the feel of the conflict – losing presence, direction, physical awareness, confidence – and I breathe, and I let it go and see what is the pattern what is blocking me to apply the most practical and supportive decision, for instance if seeing as effective, write about it, to consider the outcome, others.

When and as I feel that I would say something to somebody what would make him or her to judge me or distance me or become conflicted what he/she would bring onto me by wanting to talk about it more I stop and breathe and I realize that I would again want to avoid conflict by not just standing up once but the self-honesty is to stay standing constantly and consistently and work my decision through the reality I face and to see if I can live like this within self-honesty.

When and as I worry of someone wants to argue with me or bring the conflict ‘back to me’ so to speak, I stand and remain here and apply practical common sense and to realize that I do not have to worry of fear if I am self-honest and if I am not, then I re-align, and I communicate and express myself accordingly.


I commit myself to stop avoiding conflict within the fear of I would be affected so much that I would not be able to be effective or operational and realizing how to solve these conflicts, and how to change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop fearing from inner or outer conflict and to realize that conflict brings up a point I am not solved yet, thus it’s actually supportive and it’s my responsibility to transform it to a gift of self-change.

I commit myself to recognize the pattern of conflict within and then re-align and re-stabilize myself into and as physical presence.

I just had an important realization:

When and as I express myself and that creates a reflection of somebody coming at me in reaction and that makes me react into internal conflict, that means I am reacting to a mind-pattern within myself what is MY responsibility to deal with, stop, re-align and transcend.

This does not mean that if I am able to do whatever I want and do not feel regret, shame, doubt or turmoil for the consequences that I have transcended the mind/ego/self-sabotage, because if I train and condition myself to do not feel(and not with the mind-feelings/emotions way, but with self-honest awareness), if I am not taking responsibility for the outcome of my actions, basically that is kind of psychopath. So it’s important to distinguish I do not suggest to just be able to do whatever I want without feeling any remorse, but

When and as I am absolutely, self-honestly clear within, empty, aligned with principle of what is best for me and all equally without any interference/influence/inflation/pressure of any emotion and feeling I have expressed myself and that causes somebody to react and I am about to react to that, I cross-reference, check and see if I am aligned with LIFE and if not, then I forgive myself for what I have accepted to perceive and act upon it and I change.

When and as I am certain that I am clear and acting according to principled living by considering all the participants here, I make my stand and I do not react, I do not go into doubt, reactions, emotions, worry, fear of loss of anything or even fear of pain, but I breathe and I trust myself and apply practical common sense.

This is a crucial point within my process of self-honesty, because whatever I did in my past, mostly influenced by blurring emotions of desire, anger or hate or jealousy or whatever, supercharged by alcohol or drugs, fear or adrenaline, I was almost always find a tiny-winy doubt within myself and by that I undermined absolute self-trust, presence and self-direction and that is self-sabotage, which is in fact self-dishonest, because in fact I can understand the pattern to the degree of changing it – and myself, but there are another patterns supporting my dishonesty to not do so, thus those also has to be revealed, remembered, understood and eventually stopped to participating within.

To be continued…

Day 277 – Suppressing Conflict

IMG_1039Continuing with Suppression patterns. This time opening up CONFLICT.

Part of the problem is not to be honest with myself, thus remaining in circles of levels of my mind’s superficial self-defined reaction-loops, such as focusing to the positive and negative energies I feel by the judgements I allow to be triggered automatically and call this as my personality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can dare to be absolutely honest with myself and directly see things without allowing to automatically apply polarity of positive or negative judgements and reactions to it.

I forgive myself that I have not developed the practical skill to be direct and honest with myself at any time, all the time and within that, never questioning why not to realize the stupidity of such self-sabotage and thus manifesting layers of self-definitions, judgements, thought-patterns to keep my mind in balance of an experience so called stability, which is in fact not real self-stability within reality, but exists only as perception, delusion: a mirage which actually requires energy and active participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions to maintain, re-create and evolve to avoid facing direct facts here, which I have defined as avoidable, because of fear of change, fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the systems I’ve created in my mind were so blunt and self-dishonest that I developed ways not to actually see and understand what I am doing, thus suppression became a habit, within which I put experiences and reactions within me ‘under the carpet’ so to speak, so then I feel not being influenced by those, I do not need to be exposed to those reactions, the source points of those reactions and thus not needing to realize that something is wrong within me and/or in the reality around me, because of another judgement or fear of loss, by a value I’ve defined as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want, which I’ve called, defined and imagined as freedom is when I do not suppress anything, yet I do not have to fear from whatever is coming up within me, because I do not judge myself, yet I do not accept anything less than who I really am within self-honesty, meaning that I do not accept any self-limitation by my mind and committing myself to find practical ways to bring out and live my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that in order to have an experience of freedom, I’ve defined it the way as I was able to in the times when I was unable to deal with fear, self-limitation and self-dishonesty, and since then I’ve allowed patterns and habits, automatic behaviour within my mind and actual physical actions to continue to be acted out in the belief that this is what’s right and the possibly best to do, meanwhile if I slow down within, if I question my reasoning, my reactions, my starting point, the possible consequences, I can easily see, that the best practical solution is to stop my mind to move and start trusting myself by directly moving myself without any patterns from the past and accumulate actual self-knowing without any self-definitions, thoughts, feelings or emotions to be relied upon.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not aware of the occasions when I fear of being confronted, being rejected, being attacked, being resisted and automatically avoiding such situations, conversations, people and the same within myself: to open up specific points within me what not wanting to face, take responsibility for and answer within absolute self-honesty so then I would realize the necessity and common sense to stop it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood what are the reasons and justifications, excuses and self-definitions within me what I give permission to influence, direct me not to stop suppressing and avoiding confrontational and conflicting situations with others and within myself, and thus not naming the game, so I am beating around the bush, whitewashing the facts, so I do not realize how much I sabotage myself and preventing myself to actually, really live.

I forgive myself that I have defined to be unpleasant when being in conflict with someone, because I’ve defined that the person when I meet her/him, then tends to become emotional and reactive, uncomfortable and unpleasant experience and not realizing that it does not have to become like that and what I feel is completely my responsibility and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can change myself to not become reactive and emotional even within conflicting situations.

I forgive myself that I have defined the amount of inner conflict I have to be dependent on the external conflict I am within, thus automatically become conflicted within when I am in interaction with someone within a conflict, meaning not agreeing on something and also not accepting that based on starting points what we also might not agree within of why.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I do not face external confrontations, then that means that I am free from internal conflict too and thus being actually free and not realizing that I am actually dependent on avoiding specific situations externally and also suppressing specific thoughts, feelings and emotions within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I become emotional, reactive and losing my presence within conflicting situations, externally with others or internally with myself and thus becoming so charged up, that I lose the experience of stability I had before and within that I am becoming unpredictable and my experience of presence also becomes more uncomfortable, because I am acting out automatically based on patterns of who I have defined and accepted myself to be the character of ‘within the conflict’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual methods and ways of how I evolved suppression into a split second action wherein I am automatizing it to happen to the degree of not even being aware of it, just to preserve the experience of stability, which in fact is not real, because being dependent on the suppression and the conditions of which the suppression can happen and be maintained.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being within external conflict, that means that I fear of losing something, which I actually do not have, but I want to keep the illusion of having it without admitting that it’s an illusion, thus by having the strategy of avoiding conflicts, creating the reality of not having conflicts, while the very existence and my habit of avoiding conflicts is actually the main conflict within my life, because it becomes self-limitation, which, as I feel being conflicted by, again: I suppress, distract myself, try to avoid situations and inner reactions to face, realize, understand it, thus deepening the self-sabotage, self-delusion and self-dishonesty.
Okay, going somewhere, this conflict point seems to be a key within the ‘act’ of suppression, so I will continue with this…

Day 276 – Suppression to forgive

IMG_1191Let’s continue Suppression investigation with a ‘free ride’ Self-forgiveness flow. Whatever comes as I realize in the moment as I could do more self-honestly, I give a shot for change with wording the pattern I understand as how and why I participated within.

It’s like archaeology, I know that something relevant happened in the past, now I got this ‘dig site’, as I started to build something in my life and then as I was working for the basement, found some ruins within my mind which can tell a history and deeper understanding about myself.

I forgive myself that I have believed that suppression is good for me, because I can remain stable and continue with the process I was participating within, which actually caused quite some stirring and energetic movements within me, what started to influence me to the state of becoming unstable, which I got afraid of, thus I pushed it down in my mind, my body and just wanted to get it behind me and not realizing that my body is where my real awareness exists, and it remembers, it stores and it contains everything I participate within, just I am not seeing, feeling, BEING it, because I exist on the conscious mind level, which is extremely limited.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what suppression actually is, which is trying to escape from reality here and using the body to store the energy, to deal with the tension, which originates from self-judgement, inner friction, conflict and fear, what I do not want to face or see, thus developed techniques to ‘swallow’ the tension, the emotional reaction, the energetic experience to get back into my apparently stable conscious mind experience, where I can feel that I am the director, even if I am not, because I am completely subjected to my past preprogrammed judgement-reaction personality and the external circumstances I find myself within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do not look at something, if I do not allow it to become aware of, if I do not open myself and my mind to it to experience, feel it – it does not mean it’s not here, it’s not existing, even if this ‘thing’ is within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simple principle of what I resist persists, thus also not realizing that anything and everything I suppress, I will have to face it eventually and if I do not actively open it up to take responsibility for everything I suppressed, that means those things will accumulate and will manifest an overwhelming experience, wherein I have no directive power, I can become possessed with the energetic state, the mind-construct and the nature of the relationship and self-definitions of the words in that relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is no middle ground within self-honesty – I do participate within the mind and then basically accumulating suppression and self-sabotage in a moment, or I am expressing myself and walking through consequences and accumulating self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to complicate things within myself when it comes to self-honesty and becoming confused of the actual problems I face and wondering around of what could be the solution, meanwhile if I do not see what could support me acting towards practical solution, I am still participating within a mind-construct, as mind-construct, from where I do not see a simple solution, thus I have to stop participating in that construct, which then I word down and apply self-forgiveness to what I accepted until I am here and I am empty, silent, yet directive, as simply as I breathe here – and if it’s not that simple, then I investigate, write, ask for support, keep forgiving for the reasons I see of not being able to see, realize and understand my limitations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that thinking as humans usually ‘do’ is actually suppression, when I have inner conversation, backchat, automatic ‘free’ association, semi-automatic judgments, comparisons – that is not ‘doing’, that is already a manifestation of doubt, uncertainty, fear, because if I would really understand, know and believe within myself, I would not ‘stop’ for thinking, especially with the fact that all I ever think is actually the repetition of past and past judgments; but I would express, speak, act and live, directly, without any need for participating within thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting to acknowledge, realize and understand how and why thinking is suppression is also part of the automatic, self-judgemental mind-construct I gave permission to run, behave as myself and thus superimposing the whole physical beingness of who I am, and thus indeed manifesting to be and become what I think, but only that, which is extreme self-limitation, because relies on my past thinkings, external trigger-point based condition-rule-system and energetic states which I did not yet understood how they work, because if I would, I would really know, that this way of ‘living’ is not actual living, but a manifested protection mechanism for self-interest, fear to not needing to acknowledge the fact that I am not free and being enslaved no one else, but myself actually.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression as dominant mind-pattern is the result of a self-accepted strategy for fearing conflict, fearing change and fearing to let go the past, because what I face, see, feel and experience makes me being disturbed, wanting to resist to feel, fearing from being influenced by, so I deliberately distract myself with something else, and as I see this method sort of working, I do it until I can, and within that ‘strategy’ – I literally try not to take responsibility for what I experience, and when it eventually comes, I will not be prepared and I will again resist it, so basically will go back to square one, where I started, thus simply losing time and effort until I eventually realize that I have to stand up and change this pattern – as myself equally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression can be stopped by investigating, decomposing and forgiving the patterns my mind constitutes and within doing that, I stop identifying myself with the pattern I study in my mind, and also stop identifying myself with the thoughts/feelings/emotions I try to suppress to see what is actually the issue here to be able to understand that and solve the problem.

What excuses and justifications I could see for deliberate suppression to act ‘out’?

Politeness, morality, self-judgement, fear of loss, fear of instability, fear of change, fear of fear.

Every day I focus on expressing myself and stop judging and not being afraid to make mistakes as that is actually part of the learning process. It started to become more clear, when are the trigger points can kick in, wherein I would go into ‘awkwardness’, ‘doubtfulness’, ‘shyness’ and even ‘shame’ sometimes, which seems weird, but that is what I see as I walk through the layers of the mind, which I take responsibility for to change as myself.

I will continue from this point…

Day 275 – Suppression to stop

IMG_3827The EQAFE series of Quantum Physical provides exceptional support by looking at the physical manifestation of the self-acceptance and
mind-personalities on the human face.

These interviews are supporting with the point of SUPPRESSION:

Throughout my life I’ve been working on this point as I have the tendency to swallow and suppress experiences, energetic states, judgments, emotions and basically any kind of points within myself I did not want or could not face, take responsibility for or acknowledge the need for change, justified by various excuses and justifications.

Today the tendency of suppression within me is like 1/100th of what I used to participate within, but still existing, can undermine self-trust and stability, thus it’s something I take responsibility for and work on it actively until it’s gone.

I am going to open up this point slowly as first allowing myself to freely write about suppression, some memories from my past to bring up and then will focus to physical aspect of the act of suppression, what do I feel, experience and see within myself, what are the signs within/on my body when I participate within the mind-patterns of suppression to support myself to prevent participating within it.

It’s not that I consciously want to suppress anything – there were times when I used to, but those times has passed and with walking Process since a while, having the Desteni group as support platform to share and ask, with the exceptionally mindblowing material provided by EQAFE, and the awesome Self-empowering online course of Desteni I Process and it’s buddy support; I am more than ready to face anything within me to take responsibility for, so let’s walk.

Any time you, the reader feeling like can relate, would have something to add or suggest, don’t be shy, that’s why we walk our process openly, so then we can multiply realization and assist each other by cross-referencing the practical knowledge of understanding, correcting and re-defining ourself for good.

Throughout my life of more than 36 years, I’ve never seen any pattern, thought-construct, emotional state, conviction, belief or judgement within myself what I could not open up, decompose and fully understand if I would take the decision, commitment and actual physical time and effort to open up, investigate, word it, write down and understand, thus I am certain that human nature as it is today can be changed, thus humanity as a group of individuals also can be changed with actual, self-honest action, and that’s what I am doing here, starting here, with what I have authority and power over: myself here.

I’ve seen so many people around Desteni to change, to let go their shame, shyness, guilt and powerlessness and emerge as stable, responsible and shining individuals, who’ve became active part of society and actually making a difference with principled living.

I understand that many people have problem with ‘Principle’ as I’ve been there too, but here I am, I am accumulating efforts to consistently live by the principle of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and physical birthing myself as responsible for all as equal as one as myself.

Suppression, as it is, a self-protection mechanism, which, within it’s flawed nature, still reflects back self-acceptance as who I allow myself to be.

There are several physical symptoms, I’ve experienced during my life what indicated, and still today, sometimes coming back saying ‘Hello, I am still here!’ Just to list some up, for instance I had ulcer within my stomach, as I was digesting up myself to the point of self-destruction and for a while that sickness really got me a literal taste of personal hell. At these moments, the digesting acid feels like coming up even to the point of my throat, which was biting the whole swallow area, and literally feeling like ‘acidic’ experience, which was quite uncomfortable. Since I’ve visited Desteni Farm and talked with Resonances through the Portal, I’ve got direct support to recognise this before really happening, so when I allow the mind to really grow on me and going into judgement, emotions, suppressions, to recognise and then let it go and stabilize myself, but I never fully applied decomposition, self-forgiveness and real change to the full extent, so this is also a point to look at here.

Also sometimes I can have the tendency to chew my mouth from within, which seems weird, but somehow when being in stress, tension or exhaustion, this feels like giving some energy, but actually I was again: eating myself up within by constant self-judgement, shame and guilt, literally manifesting it as eating my own flesh up to the point of having little scars in my mouth. The interesting point within that was that once there was some ‘flaw’ in the flesh within, it seemed easier to just continue eating myself and always re-starting before the flesh healing it. Well, this was never extreme, so never had ‘problems’ from it, but within self-honesty, this has never was really stopped.

When I was kid, I used be really a daydreamer, constant thinker, I felt like with the thoughts I actually could virtualise all possible scenarios before any action and think everything through, like ‘simulations’ to run and then what I felt the best, after seeing what to I react the most positive way, I heavily relied to my mind-personality to tell me what to do. This made me awkwardly slow within action and extremely limited within actual communication with others, especially with those, who I really wanted the best to happen with, such as women, or initiative, powerful people.
I was thin, really white skinned boy and among the physically more developed, brown-skinned others, who were much more ‘physical’ and strong, I felt that my only chance is to be really smart, to use my mind, my logic, my ‘processing power’, which I did, and many times it really worked, and gave me the ability to figure out things and also make things more efficiently, but many times really made things much worse, because if worry or fear influenced my reactions or reasoning, I twisted my perception and judgements based on emotions, which I really not like. That’s why I started to develop suppression. In a split second, there is reaction, emotion, vast amount of energy, what was ready to influence my pure, clinical logic of assessing with precision, so then I suppressed it. Like a superhero thing, there is this scar, a bullet hit me, and in the moment feel it, but in the next, I am ‘whole’ again. That I liked, but did not realize that what I suppress, accumulates, and when it’s full within me, then it’s energy, the whole thing comes alive and takes over, I am kind of possessed so to speak and then do stupid things, feeling like being in a rage and wanting to destruct all structure within me – and even sometimes I did hurt others too, luckily not much, but those times I was really ashamed, so then I’ve learnt to use that for energizing the mind with shame to suppress even more to try to ‘perfectly endure’ everything, what would make me unstable or would lose the logical mind.

This made me a great fighter, but only within myself, having enormous battles for control, stability and accepted as my nature – if something can really win an energetic, emotional war within me, then I identified myself with it and even if meanwhile I was unstable on all levels, I stuck with it as felt like this is life, this is who I am and this means to really be alive, but this took me to some really-really unpleasant situations and places on earth, where I had to reconsider that this is not the way I want to live.

Since walking Process, I’ve realized that I do not need to fight, or even resist things as no matter what I learn, reveal, understand or discover within me, I can change, I can change that aspect of myself, so no need to judge myself, no need to fear facing anything, but committing myself to change, finding practical ways to accumulate effort to manifest that change. The very words I think, feel and act are really important to investigate, what do I mean by ‘that’, what do I associate by ‘this’ and where do I see fear, resistance, desire, where I go into emotional reaction and instead of suppression, what can I do to embrace, stop and re-align myself with more direct, self-trusting and self-honest living.

For introduction, this is enough, I will continue more details on suppression to see it from different angles.

In the meantime I really suggest to utilize EQAFE interviews for more understanding on human mind-behavior as it is imperative to take responsibility for our actions and inabilities for the proper actions. Even the price of an interview seems like a lot, within UK, it’s the price of a pack of cigarettes, and also by paying that, one can support the creators of EQAFE, who are dedicated their life relentlessly to record and share as much as possible support. So, for me, those coins really worth the price. And there are many-many hours length of audio books there, which are free, for instance every series/categories are up there, the first 5 is always free.

Equal Life Foundation has many platforms for Education, many are free and providing professional self-support, life-coaching, which seems as fancy, but in fact it’s a million times evolved version of any spiritual/religious/psychological studies I’ve ever found on Earth, so before you judge, give it a try, it’s totally free:

Thanks, enjoy, bye

Day 274 – Redefining Stability

I was in a forest camping for almost a week and during this period I used my notebook to list up all the points I consider for redefining the word Stability.


To simplify this process, I’ve focused to three layers:

Body: Be aware of physical presence: inner and external physical experiences/senses

Physical environment: surrounding space-things, smell, sight, touch.

Feel the gravity for the body’s whole and it’s parts

Feel the wind touching the skin, moving clothes, hair.

Feel the muscles, if there is any tension, looseness in feet, knee, thighs, stomach, chest, spine, neck, head, arms, hands, wrest, fingers

Feel the face, muscles, gesture, tongue, jaw, cheeks, ears.

Be aware of my lower back, my spine, straighten it, pull back my shoulders, feel my chest raising, pushing my chin up and stand as I AM HERE.

Not to escape from the mind into the physical sensation, rather to realize that this is natural to allow to directly experience and be here and if the mind keeps trying to intervene, distract, interrupt or lure away from constant and consistent presence, it is not to resist, but to realize that I am the director here, and I can actually utilize the mind to see where it’s taking me and to understand why – without being the slave of the thoughts, feelings, emotions by questioning and answering to myself.

Mind: Be aware of the thoughts/feelings/emotions, if energy is present, if it’s moving, if there is any mood or tension, resistance or devotion, etc

Recognize tendencies to react, to get attracted to or resisted, such as things defined as ‘nice’ as feeling positive reaction, or ‘ugly’ as feeling negative reaction.

Recognize tendencies and actual participation within suppression. When not standing up for myself or other around me, when avoiding conflict, when going into self-judgement, shame, regret, giving up, ‘fuck it’ mentality. These accumulate and undermine stability.

Recognize and acknowledge and realize source points + actual judgment words for those trigger points. When and why do I judge specific behavior/individuals/myself? If I know better, why not sharing as living example, or it’s just pure ‘mind-knowledge’?

Re-alignment with taking self-responsibility: Self-forgiveness on each points with consequences to be aware of – decompose the patterns, remember the trigger words, release the energetic states, taking responsibility for the patterns I recognize as not supporting me, thus have to be aware of them before participating to be able to stop and re-align myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the practical solution within the trinity of application through stabilization of physical, mind and beingness awareness to support actual change within self-honesty.

Self-commitment to change self and those points to make my stand and decide that I do not accept anything less than who I really am as realizing the potential if I correct this very point I am currently facing. I am going through the resistances and unpleasant experiences, which is actually facing the manifested consequences of accumulated self-dishonesty, what must be stopped.

I commit myself to accumulate stability in and as the physical, the mind and as my beingness here by applying self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and sharing, exchanging communication.

Self-corrective statements on how actually to re-align and change on these specific triggering realization points. Re-writing the script of my personality. After decomposing the self-dishonest patterns, I can actually script myself to remain here, stable and re-define words on how to live them while not going into polarity, judgments, fear.

When and as I see that I am accepting judgments towards myself or another, I support myself with physical re-alignment by straightening my back, pushing back my shoulders and chest forward and up my chin. I am here. I stop the mind, I direct self-correction in this very moment, no matter where am I, who I am with, what I am doing.


Asking Who am I?

Who I am within and as this situation I find myself at?

Self-honesty – Process – Self-forgiveness

Principle, Purpose, Destiny:

Alignment, Unification, Amalgamation and Integration of all what is Here Equal as Self as Life. – Supports to reflect back of any resistance, reaction, energy and to word that and apply the tools until I am here without any automatic inner movement from the mind.

All with consideration of consequence and outcome of what is best for all participants.

As resisted or scary might be to find any principle to live as – maybe the memories and reactions to such principles of the past weren’t the right or ‘great enough’ – chance to reflect back to the question why to be equal with all – and why not to?

Every day is One and each Breath I take is One and these are numbered, thus to decide what I manifest as me, as Tala Joseph is relevant and assists within further stability as considering what Self I could be proud of if I would have total freedom and then also to see what with I accept myself to limit, enslave or scare and then to investigate, decompose and forgive those patterns again until I am here, freedom as absolute self-honesty here.


These are the notes I wrote and realized that it’s completely up to me of how effectively I can apply anything at my disposal to stabilize myself and sort out the delusional relationships existing within my mind, especially those, what I am not fully aware of as so many years I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within self-limitation through convictions, belief systems and the whole religion of self, meaning to not expand, grow and actually change.

Always striving, pushing, facing, fringing to see what are the limits and why and to try if I can go beyond that specific limitation if originated from me, my mind, my perception of reality.

In terms of stability, I’ve also mixed up before of not being able to accept myself of who I am, because of the extensive amount of self-judgments, which I saw, but I did not realize that I do not need to accept myself to exist within these self-limitations as I can actually change. Thus to accept who I am naturally becomes a more deep, substantial level what I can feel more directly if I dare to disregard all the judgments, definitions, comparisons, memories, polarities, preferences and interests.

Also to note that while I describe the possible physical sensations and experiences through and as my human physical body, that does not mean I always have to be ‘on the edge’ of focusing to these, but if there is no ‘input’, it can be a sign of total distraction of the mind, participating within a pattern of delusion, energetic possession, consumed by self-interest, thus make a stance and re-align with physical here and not to be identified with the mind as self, but neither to try to separate myself from it as to realize I am here is equal and one with the physical body and the layers of the mind and to birth myself as life, I have to embrace and direct, decompose and re-define all of me according to what is proven to be self-honest.

I will continue with series of investigations around the word SUPPRESSION.

I’ve been suppressing so many things, which now must be faced, understood, stopped and released.

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Day 273 – Presence as substantiating Awareness

Expanding on Presence. Process of bringing myself to Presence.DSC_0391

If I have this thought/emotion coming up within me and influencing me, moving me, then I am actually compromising my presence here, because I allow some systems within me, what I have accepted and allowed and gave permission to automatically active and come into the context of my self-expression. And I find the best practical way is to find out these automatic processes is to write down the words I contain and as I explore the relationships I exist within according to these words, I can reveal the creation of my own personality, because it’s really practical and common sensical to take my power back so to speak and stop blaming outside of me, but take responsibility for the creation I represent here…”

Continuing to talk about this within this video linked here.


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Enjoy Breath and dare to investigate all things within self-honesty and keep which is best.