Day 398 – Loss in my memories

IMG_1574Looking at loss in itself by my memories.

Definitely interesting aspect of self. Recently I started to work with the definition of this word and it is extremely rewarding to comb out the delusions and fears from our code of living.

It is quite easy to trip down to the reactionary emotional roller coaster when got attached to something or someone and ‘losing them’ for any reason. I am left with a relationship in my head without backup from reality. Literally my mind goes off-sync with facts and I am still responding through memory.

Not saying the best to become steel-hearted computing machines when someone passes away or leaves us, but to be adult and mature means to be able to mourn or even celebrate all we got from what we no longer experience, yet to remain in practical reality without pretending or faking stability.

I’ve had a quite emotional breakup a year ago what seemed very dramatic in that time and what made me stabilize is that there is only way to remain here and keep moving forward by respecting what I have learned, gained and grew with. What I gave and received, what was here as a visible potential and who I can become or even more.

What was also assisting that I was very transparent so to speak of what I experience, realize and struggle with during the whole partnership and although the other person did seem to appreciate it, was not given back to me on the same level and I reacted to that, so there was this hidden expectation that if I open up, the other will as well, which then is the door to any kind of solution. Seems natural from a perspective. It seemed practical too, difficulties presented themselves, if the commitment is valid to stay together, there is nothing what really is a problem, only solutions to find and apply to.

Based on that loss experience, I felt as I am losing the opportunity of this transparent open communication and I got attached to that, because my definition of it was not of and for self primarily, or even if it was, also was conditioned to a partner. That was a mistake.

One should not rely to another within stability and honesty, it’s self work. One can give or receive support with it, and any dependency should be agreed and committed to, otherwise it’s not support but a time bomb.

I also had several occasions when I concluded that the only ‘defense’ against the overwhelming loss and disappointment was that I am ‘impeccable’, I did all I could – and although it’s not entirely true as were mistakes by me, were weaker moments when I reacted with blame and worry, but in the bigger picture, I felt like this is me in this moment and situation and one can like it or not, I KNOW that I will improve and grow, especially by making those mistakes and learning from them. I used to be almost literally petrified by the overwhelming thought-streams of possible mistakes to make in reality, thus had to re-align with this and simply go out, be vulnerable and do my best while accepting that I will make mistakes not to judge but learn from.

So at a point also had to realize, the other has her process, her reasons, experiences and challenges and it is certainly not my style to convince anyone to stay with me so the loss I experienced was obviously personal and in a way to my own desires and expectations about the person.

Usually all of my angers are obviously against myself – when someone does something what feels really not cool to me usually I blame myself for trusting the person, often for not seeing, interpreting signs and for hoping to be able to trust and I am angry because I feel stupid as was a mistake to trust the another. But not really for trusting the other I am angry – I am angry, because I let go of self-trust unconditionally here. Big difference.

Well, within that self-inflicting anger it is to realize that anger is powerlessness, because I let myself to believe that I have no power of directing my trust, hope and openness, but in fact I do.

When people ‘fall in love’ – it is obviously automatic, they do not have power over that, it happens by their standards, desires, hopes and judgments. So whenever I automatically trust and hope and it turns out to be not rewarding or trustworthy, I automatically feel disappointment and anger.

So as it comes, goes – that’s why destonians suggest not to trust love in the mind, as energy, as it is a false prophet – will appear, stimulate and go – equally so within the another person – this is called the ultimate unpredictability, it is quite a toll to rely on this for self-stability for starters.

The whole arrow of cupid hits me thing is showing how gullible we can be to our desires, hopes and delusions. I do not say from this ‘sudden’ love people can’t build and grow true and real love(what is action, in reality, care, commitment and stability), just it can’t be automatic.

I was with a girlfriend in a previous relationship at least 12 years ago, who with I did not have this automatic emotional train ride and I defined it to be ‘not love’, ‘boring’ and now I see it was kind of cool because it was an opportunity to define and live love, whatever I would like it to be, but as I was raised in an abusive environment, where argument and conflict established the emotional baseline, I was always attracted to that kind of relationships. Also, the lady seemed to ‘fall’ in love with me, even on her strange way she demonstrated that and it was difficult for me, because it seemed as fun at first but the more time passed, it was obvious that in a way I can have temptations to use her and not really being the best of myself with her. I judged myself, her and I did not want to commit, so ended it. Interestingly from time to time this comes back at me and makes me wonder if it was a good decision or not, because I got the opportunity to create something and I was just not ready for that. I was so busy with the whole mind-stimulation with drugs and basically I was mind-possessed with self-interest. Years had to pass while I was able to walk through those patterns, but I see it now, I was able to see what I am doing, yet did not come up to fully conscious level, but enough to become uncomfortable of my own patterns.

What I see with not automatic ‘fall in love’ relationships is that it is also a work, a creation process – similar to go to a party without being drunk in a way – one has to be a bit more honest and a bit move oneself to really enjoy and get loose, it does not happen automatically.
Some are inhibited on the dancefloor, alcohol or drugs can help, but then it is kind of automatic, it is NOT SELF-DIRECTION. So it is disempowerment.
Not saying not doing it ever, away with the radical crap, just speaking of self-honesty, mano to mano with myself. It might be called a bridge once or twice, but beyond that it is called a crutch and kind of addictive.

In a way, within that recent relationship last year, it started with clear head but then I got attached to the idea of this being as a ‘clear head’ relationship, and then slowly but surely became a not so clear head one, when I started to see that it’s slipping away and I did not want it to let it go, I tried to work harder on keeping it, solving things, while was obvious that the other has no interest or capacity to work on this and I thus created the disappointment and loss experience. So loss experience is self-created!

It was very cool to realize later that it was probably gone way before I admitted yet I fought against facts and that made me feel and look even more desperate and powerless. That is an interesting point as well.
That is a sort of weakness because when my confidence breaks or shatters, I can have tendency to drop all around me and focus to myself to try to solve all the problems of the world – within myself, even though some the real problems are not within me.
The starting point is the opposite yet the visible result seems like total selfishness because all I seem to care about is how I feel, what I do or do wrong because I believe that it’s all on me, I made mistake, thus I have to fix it and then everything will be fine. Kind of like a martyr character.

It’s actually a good flag point when my confidence drops, what is the reason and is it valid? and the point is not to look at ‘how to restore confidence’ but rather to see what is the reason to doubt myself in the first place.

I have identified myself with the relationship itself and defined my stability according to it and when it was shaking, I felt my stability shaking too.

I still have dreams with that partner sometimes about letting her go or correct myself and it’s interesting to realize that what I think of the whole thing is that it was close to become a working relationship, although what I have to realize is that my hope made it seem to be close to that and when reality was not ‘there’, I glued it to be with my hopes and desires. Certainly the fake it until you make it here does not really work.

to be continued

Writing is really the best to work through literally anything. Get yourself a treat and walk the free online course on how to do it with Desteni I Process LITE.

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Day 397 – Resistances, frustration

IMG_9045Resistances

Some resistances I am not aware of within. It’s not that tricky to see what’s inside myself as who I am in situations, but sometimes I am preoccupied.
Within those moments almost feels like everything is automatic, the current moments have been decided somewhere in the past and now I have to roll through and keep looking forward to spot opportunities when I have to move.

Moving meaning beyond this automatic framework of what I am doing in my current life.
It’s multi-faceded, because there are desires, plans, goals within and most of them are currently blocked by various reasons.
Not enough time, money, specific skills, opportunities or simply luck, thus I have to just keep looping with my currently created days. That’s the feel.

But it’s a trap of 22, because if I do not change, expand, transcend, my limitations will not fade, my resistances will not weaken, or maybe, out of ten one or two would, but still I would end up being extremely limited – in comparison to my potentials, plans and goals.

It is important not to get mesmerised by potentials of who I want to become and keep faking it in my mind while disregarding why here I am neglecting to acknowledge the reality and specificity of my limitations and resistances.

Naming the game really assists to get back to the ground, meaning what I want to achieve exactly, because then I will be able to assess or plan what has to be done.

Resisting to stick to a daily plan – often happens – but that’s the point – happens. For instance started learning piano with teacher. First weeks, almost every day it was natural to sit down and practise – now I have to decide – which evening I have to do – and sometimes, just as with most of commitments, there is resistance. With this, it’s rare but it is there.

Another example: I have decided to take ownership of an administrative role for a community’s website, because of my interest in community and land management. The point is – it’s really not that extremely difficult to do, but have to change configuration, installment and deployment scripts – this is what I do as daily job, so should not be difficult, but to take the decision of my free time is something I resist. It only needs to be done once, and from there this would be grand. But it’s still new and facing some frustration sometimes with it.

When I have difficulty with things what are not extremely important or considered as ‘default’ – I think I give into the temptation of inherent avoidance of frustration.

Thus today, let’s focus on this frustration trigger and being carried away from the original point.

This is why writing is relevant, practical and supportive – just look at the facts, reality, problem, let’s understand the dynamics.

Let’s build a simple timeline before applying self-forgiveness as practical awareness tool for self-correction preparation.

I do something new, difficult, complicated.
How I perceive progress is slow.
I want to be way beyond this problem as the excitement and rewards will come from steps beyond this point.
I want to be ahead, yet I am still here, trying to get passed by this problem here.
I make mistake, try something, doesn’t work.
I retry something else.
Still doesn’t work
I feel frustration.
I focus to frustration.
I become frustrated, physically and emotionally.
I am feeling resistance against do the thing.
I define the thing to be difficult.
I feel tired, no excitement, no energy high
I find applicable justifications to avoid commitment towards continuing this.
I really have no enjoyment doing it anymore.

At this point it depends on the importance of the thing.

If it is unavoidable, I just try to suppress reactions, frustrations until the last point when I find myself just exerting something, such as walking away, feeling needing time away.

If it is avoidable, mostly as it is a self-defined task, then I just postpone it for better times.

This is a really simplified example of what is called Mind Construct within the Desteni I Process online courses.

So we really go into the details and at each step honestly looking at what happened within me, while in reality, what was my reaction, where it came from and how I could do better.

Within this example I wrote, the website installment(moving from another provider to the one I rent), the practical steps are really easy, but will take time and effort. I do not want to do that, I just want to do it, get it done. That mentality might work when the tasks is to diswash or dig a hole in the garden, but when it’s complicated, needs deep and specific understanding, then I have to stop that ‘get it done’ mentality from reaction.

A key point – from reaction – because with that frustration energy, I am being stimulated to do it – with the definition and judgement of a state where this frustration is not existing – almost like a vacuum pulling me towards it to reach.

Although I create my experiences, reactions and directions, decisions and eventually all my actions – with this pattern what I manifest is that I am not directing, literally not being direct, the director, but I react in my mind, judge situations as positive and negative, compare with ideal or desired situations and based on that I create emotions, such as excitement, frustration.

There are areas in my life wherein I am really efficient preventing of such mentality, for instance driving – it’s a really strong decision – how I drive, almost like going into a different personality, where I simply never do that reactional pattern. I love to drive, something that simple.
There are difficult situations still, not technically about driving, but when slow and monotonic traffic, dangerous other people, etc – but still – I should learn how I am doing that discipline so then I can apply it in other aspects of my life.

I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the frustration and not realizing I am focusing to the reaction to a problem instead of the problem itself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit and be honest with myself that I use frustration as energy source in my mind to feel the reaction, the inner movement, because in reality I am not moving, but standing at the same point and I am addicted to the reaction to movement, if it’s not real, then has to be self-created and within those moments not admitting, that I am not aligned with reality anymore, but still carrying on.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that frustration is a false ally and it’s energy is temporally and distractive, and extremely unfun, thus instead of falling into it, to see it as an indication point within my application that I need to slow down within and to see what practical plan I need to re-consider and apply here in this situation I am within – regardless of commitment, importance or interest – as it’s in front of me, if makes sense to do it or being supportive, I take responsibility and challenge.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of physical body awareness to notice the signs of frustration and reaction, such as tension in my chest, shallow breathing, not allowing my body to be relaxed, disregarding body needs such as hydratation, fresh air, short breaks, a sigh.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if something is not going well, I do not need to force myself with the ‘just frikin do it’, but I can break it down, I can ask for assistance, I can postpone it with self-trust, yet not to use frustration to avoid as an excuse to abandon something, because whatever I do not finish, it’s in a way staying with me, as memory, as potential, as fact.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prioritization, wherein I focus to most important things to schedule for the day, and then doing them, yet still allowing to not to be exhausted with the honest asking – how much I can or want to do today and then doing so.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I can feel automatic and monotonic for some hours, days, yet not considering to slow down within to see that there are thought-streams within me continuing to flow and as I am busy reacting, moving, I do not notice them, but once I slow down, stop, look inside – I can discover that oh crap, I used to have less backchat but now it’s on – and I should work with those patterns to disassemble and decompose, prevent and solve their origin issues.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not trust myself in the situations of frustration, maybe not even realizing, that I kind of trust myself by default, but at the same time I am returning to an automatic pattern for some reason of being uncertain, frustrated, unstable – and then I have to slow down and ask myself what is the real issue here.

For instance, with the website installment – now since 3 weeks it’s on me – there is no pressure, noone misses it, I hoped it would be easier to do, yet with one hour I could not solve it, so I decided to continue later, without specifying when, or giving myself a deadline, or a commitment.

So this is one point – I did not commit myself to do it – rather just ‘kind of would be nice’ – but with things more complicated than one or two actions, one has to plan, structure, organize and really take responsibility on.

So that’s what I am going to do.
Thanks for reading today, take care, enjoy breath.

As always, I can’t recommend enough Desteni I Process Online courses, (LITE is free), but there are a million other self-supporting blogs, sites online, such as EQAFE.com, Journey to life blogs of a lot of people sharing their realizations, struggles, honesty and dishonesty.

Day 396 – Justifying Self-dishonesty

IMG_9044A point to expand with – already did once before – again now…looking at the point of not living up to my commitments to accumulate manifesting.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wallow within self-dishonesty when realizing the fact that I have ‘fallen’ into it, meaning justification and excuse to follow the past, the patterns what momentarily comfort me to avoid facing manifested consequences in reality.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘falling’ as justification to define ‘I am now fallen, so I can do shit what I should not but at this point it does not matter as I am already in this fallen mode’ – and not realizing that it’s not binary, but this is how the self-deception through the mind can be self-abused – through the polarity, meanwhile reality is not black or white, there is accumulation of everything, thus the belief that ‘I have already fallen, thus I can do shit now’ is also self-deception, reality is not simply ‘remaining fallen’ – but falling further so to speak with manifesting consequences – and within all not realizing that the whole concept of fallen into self-dishonesty is just another trap of self-dishonesty and it’s not about how deep I am willing to fall, but how I accumulate not falling within consistency.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this self-dishonest self-definition pattern I apply every day within writing application, as ‘I did not write yesterday, so I should, but as I did not write yesterday either, and I could justify it, today it’s a bit easier to justify it again’ – and within that defining and feeling like I am a victim, meanwhile it’s myself – I am doing this to me directly, through my mind from which perceived as being done indirectly.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity to stand up in any given moment, as literally stopping the past is the only way, thus if I wait for more, for something, to ‘get fed up’ or ‘gather will, energy’ to stand up again – I am not moving directly, but through the mind, and thus it’s not self-movement, self-direction, self-trust, self-will I create, but conditioning, dis empowerment, hope and justifications – thus the only way is to decide, move and act – regardless of WHEN I have ‘committed’ self-dishonesty, last year, yesterday or just a moment before – I stand up here unconditionally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that principle is not something I make it dependent to conditions – or if so, it is not principle, but it is compromise, which by I accept and allow to delude myself that I am actually living, meanwhile I am simply bouncing from one reaction to another within the consistent momentary belief of control and direction being played out automatically – yet in those moments honestly seeing that even from the deepest pit of self-compromise, it is always one step to LIVE absolute self-honesty, as it’s not about the amount of self-honesty, but the truly honest, right and practical step in any given moment to do.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to radicalize the concept, principle and action of self-honesty by defining that there is such absolute, brutal, radical self-honesty ‘out there’ which is tough, difficult and heroic so thus I have to gain energy to reach by participating in the idea and self-definition of such devotion towards it, meanwhile existing in a bubble in my mind for just the next seep of energetic mind addiction experience, instead of letting it all go, breathe and move myself directly, decompose all patters within me to the point of simplicity, consistency and common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the reason I play with the idea of a special kind of self-honesty versus self-honesty is to be able to differentiate some moments, situations and conditions from some other moments, thus not realizing that this is the same as the self-dishonest pattern of spirituality, wherein declaring some moments to be more special than others based on my interest, idea of superiority based on conditions I am still holding onto in my mind as self-definition.
  • I see, realize and understand that the leap of faith here means to let go of definitions of measurement and judgement of self-honesty and trust myself – and within that to become transparent with myself of wherein I still rely to judgement, condition, comparison in relation to self-honesty, meaning in some kind of moments allowing ‘smaller’ self-dishonesty in order to spare energy, attention and willpower to focus to ‘bigger’ self-dishonesty points to prevent and in the meantime not realizing that my idea of ‘small’ and ‘big’ are biased based on self-dishonesty I am not aware of or not wanting to admit yet. Thus the solution is to specifically note the ones I obviously time-loop with and support regular writing and honestly answering to myself why.

Within this I see and realize that I have abused my self-trust in regarding to writing my blog, which is just a practical example of this pattern to work with here, because I said to myself: I write as much as I can in practical application without over-committing or forcing myself, but to write on any day whenever I obviously can by prioritizing my day – so I relied to this conditional pattern to trust, not myself. Because if I would trust myself, I would be able to assess reality in every single occasion/day: can I write today, shall I write today?
But what I did was ‘ah, there is no pressure today, lest postpone it’ – and then defined myself by that action I chose, and on the next day relying to that, not re-aligning myself back to the point of presence, practical common sense and self-honesty in the moment here.

Might be too complicated how I described it, but getting more clear as writing it here.

Key here is not to judge myself for what I already did, missed to do or manifested, yet honestly looking at it and learning from it.

I use my blog writing as it’s simple and something I committed to do and still committing to do, there is no forcing about it. It is something what ALWAYS makes sense within practical common sense to keep writing and sharing, whenever I can, regardless of my situation.

And what I also did not consider is that things happen in reality, I got extremely lot of overtime, work, company meets, travels and indeed those added the list of challenges to keep writing, yet none of those separated or altogether should prevent me to write at least 5-10 minutes a day.

So all in all, seeing this point required to continue to be checked and re-aligned and learn from any upcoming points from it.

Commitment: it is very supportive, because if I word my decision of what I want to do, live and act, then it will be obvious when I will do it – or not do it – thus I can directly see what I need to keep being aware of to live how I decide to live.

This is a self-creation point, kind of from nothingness, there is no one or nothing in this world really pushing me to do this, yet it is something I see as supportive thus deciding to do, thus whatever resistances, inner or outer I face when expressing it, it is my responsibility to solve.

  • I commit myself to not use already done, manifested, accepted and allowed self-dishonesty to justify another self-dishonesty again. Each moment is equally new opportunity to stand up and re-align within self-honesty. When and as I hear to, listen to any justification in my mind or outside of me, I see, realize and understand – it is self-dishonest and it is my direct responsibility to stand up in this moment, just as will be in the next one until the end of times.
  • When and as I try to justify not being honest to myself, I remind myself that I only manifest consequences, not good or bad, thus creating the reality I am going to exist within in either way, thus the common sense is to practically walk self-correction and let go of the self-definitions and justifications and focus to what’s real, here and physical.
  • When and as I see the justification of ‘being tired’ or ‘not having enough time’, I see that when focusing to ‘entertainment’ – I am less tired, thus indicating resistance by self-defining my commitment to be a ‘chore’, instead of owning commitments to be who I really am as equal as anything else of me in and as the physical.

What really can support is to walk the mind within structure with assistance. Desteni I Process LITE online course supports with that – it is free and there is a buddy(guide/support), who is experienced with the mind and it’s pitfalls. I really recommend it: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

Mistakes: Windows of Opportunity – Back to Basics

Day 394 – Dancing, drugs and re-definition

2003 dec 13 - IM @ Complex

2003 dec 13 – IM @ Complex

I rarely talk about my past when I used to experiment with psychedelic drugs. It’s so beyond me, yet in a way always part of me now.
There are various subcultures, musical scenes, literature, art and community, which I am still in touch with, because regardless I do not do the mind-blowing, there is value, potential and enjoyment within these connection points with others and myself.

It’s such a taboo topic to talk about, yet there are things to understand there, especially for those who still indulge in such activities.
Not many come forward to share their experiences, because of the witch-hunt of ‘drugs’ by most of the governments, so it really does not easy to find authentic sources of information regarding to actual self-support.

I do not really fear being judged because I did it for a while; I am certain that do not need those anymore.

Let’s focus to one particular point today, just to not blow this writing away.

Dancing. But if I speak about that, have to make a detour about drugs too as for me, one followed the another for a while.

Recently I went again to a trance party. Not to my type of trance party actually, but does not really matter. Even though the whole process I walk here with self-investigation and self-honesty, one would think that to define ‘my type’ might be limiting. And indeed it might be, but still, I can have my own personal taste and individual expression.

So, I love to dance, to move for hours with music, with others, to be dance itself! Quite an experience which definitely can be relatable to sex.

Self-expression and exploration, enjoyment and expansion. Substantiation and presence.

See – one can re-define words and to live according to that definition. So it makes sense to define with words what do not limit us.

Dancing was not always about presence and clarity, direction and self-honesty for me, but I have decided to re-align to this.

When I visited parties the first time it was more about to overwhelm and blow my mind with substances and to attain certain levels and experiences within consciousness. In a way, I am quite lucky as those experiences were literally extraordinary and have showed me that opening one tiny door can change the whole world, thus in this sense it was great.
On the other hand, I was so reckless, reactive, gullible and suspectible to experiences that the whole intensity hypersonic mind-blowing trip-ride got me by the balls so to speak.
Regardless of that my main goal was always about self-liberation and further understanding, I often sacrificed my time on the altar of pure hedonism and even within that sometimes I was able to substantiate some insights, but the fact is – although I’ve tried to raze and explode, incinerate and disintegrate my mind system as felt like it was always in the way of true exploration and liberation, I have been always setup to fail with this borderline self-destructive passion.

I really believed that by brute force I can break through all of my limitations, which I believed were mental mostly, but at times I really scratched my physical limitations with the overwhelming mind-frequency intensification, and although it felt extremely stimulating, sometimes I literally felt like touching insanity and physical death level.

One might find this ‘hobbi’ to be quite extremist and somewhat pathological, but noone can argue with the fact that in this world people are indoctrinated, controlled, freightened and quite deeply brainwashed to the tiny confines of a commonly accepted norm, which is obviously not the best for all participants here.

Billions live in extreme poverty, not being able to afford sufficient food, shelter, education and healthcare. One only can find their own existence extremely limited and imprisoned, when tries to break through the norms and limitations society binds us all into a state where war and abuse, rape and murder is justifiable.

When one tries to stand up and really wanting to make a difference, even just within themselves or just wanting to become a more effective and healthy person, can face the situation that there is something inherently wrong with our mind, behavior and thought-patterns. This indeed requires courage to admit but absolutely worth it.

That was me in a nutshell and I really got fed up with my own bullshit and for a while limitations and truly believed that the drugs will help me to liberate myself.

What I did not take into consideration was that regardless of how much I used brute force to break down my mind system, which often felt liberating, when the intensity and sort of purification energy of the drug started to fade, I always went back to the same old patterns, behaviors, reactions and justifications.

Literally regardless of all the mighty experiences I had about consciousness, white light, patterns, symbols and onneness with the whole existence in and out – they were merely glimpses of a state of being I never really understood. And of course, my own mind was always happy to throw in some grandiose hallucination to please and entertain me without admitting that this is just a play of my own imagination, I am still in my mind, just it’s melted a bit and looks/feels cool.

So what I had to realize was that no matter what I do, the mind remains mind and there is a physical limit I can’t go beyond because I kill the body. Thought this as identifying myself as a mind consciousness system. The body always felt weak, ugly, confining, miserable and limiting, so I was one of those who defined the body to be inferior to the mind and consciousness. Yet after a long while, I had to try to explore other ways to expand.

I was regularly visiting these goa trance parties in these states and it was fascinating, the loud and dominant somewhat melodic yet pleasingly stimulating vibes helped to fall into a sort of trance state wherein the thoughts were sort of suppressed and I was able to just BE sometimes.

What I always found strange that all these people dance all night, and I defined their movements to be unnecessary, in a way sort of inferior, as had the thought: why bother moving the body, to be one body, when you can expand yourself to be the whole party, or existence itself?

But something was calling with those dances, beyond the fact that all the cute ladies were dancing in the front with such a passion, meanwhile I acted like a plant somewhere in the background, just standing, looking, listening. Might even felt like an empty shell, a hollow vessel.
I was obsessed with emptiness, all I cared about to empty my mind, to be quiet, to shut it up and down, to finally experience peace.
There was so much I did not understand back then. Years passed while had to give into the realization that it’s not enough to quiet the mind, I have to move myself as well, otherwise all means nothing, just sitting my life away literally. As the playground for my explorations was the crowded loud party scene, dancing came up.

So I was convinced that with some little chemical help, I could transition into dancing more easily.

That was what I used with a decision that no matter what, this time I will dance.

It was quite a blast! I was still a mind, meaning having mind consciousness starting point, but used the body as a reference point to stabilize my beingness within, so I could ‘fly’ and basically daydream more. Often reached the limit of thirst and tiredness, but with stuff, one can reach a little bit beyond.

There were friends of mine, extraordinary dancers whom with we became one through hours of dancing and I always had the feel of an essence, a symbol to crystalize within my experiences what I believed to be helping me and I started to focus on not only the experience of but the techniques and physical details of my dancing.

I did dance with psychedelics for years and after a while I’ve noticed that I’ve became quite natural and experienced with the whole ‘dance floor, movement, behavior expression and interaction’ but in a very specific way only. I felt like machete-d myself a nice circular path in the jungle, and on that path I was enjoying myself to dance around and keep using the machete to cut down any growing plants, branches, so it remained clean and easily walkable.

But as soon as I stepped over the pre-cleaned path, it became stumbling and awkward, resisted and uncomfortable.

Example: I was approached by a lady to just socialize, and on acid, I was not the most talkative person, and all of a sudden, I was judging myself as seeing how I behave and I reacted to it – defined myself to be like an insect, very anti-typical not-human-like and I felt that although I am now able to have fun and find this empty mind clarity – it’s still quite limited. It was like a snap to realize, I can slow down and sort of freeze the mind, but with just one stumble and I am whoooosh, down on the pipe already into the good old self-limiting reactive, judgmental thinking, separated and limiting mind again. Soooo frustrating was to experience the ‘fall of man’ – I tried to define these processes, read all the literature, studies, old and new books, but rarely found genuine descriptions of what I went through. And even when I did find, I just got distracted for a while to follow up and eventually realize the flaw within those distraction paths, such as spirituality, buddhism, etc. Separation, polarity, dishonesty.

The problem was not with the stuff, neither with the dance or the path I walked, but my ‘original’ points, which I believed that I was transcending during these quite hectic years.

I ended up with the same realization as I had years before with the spiritual meditation – when I was sitting, looking at the candle, for many-many hours, relentlessly, as the meditation textbook suggesting: ‘looking at the surface of the lake, smoothing it to become still and mirror’ – or when you roll upwards a huge rock upon the mountain with the disciplined meditation, and you keep falling back but once you will be able to reach the top with the rock and you find peace and clarity’. But once I stopped these techniques, I was at the same point, it was no true, measurable, mathematically accumulative progress, maximum self-conviction.

I was giving my life into those ways, I definitely know what I am talking about when saying, I’ve been there, reached states with sober mind and experienced things ‘beyond’ – but in their nature, they were not different from drug experiences. All what extra they gave beyond the drugs was that I developed an unnatural amount of stubbornness and self-will to keep myself sitting and do nothing but quieting my mind. But even that was quite conditional and thus not truly self-realized.

But the thing is – my mind was always be so loud for a reason! Not because it’s nasty in it’s nature, but it was always telling me who I accept myself to be!

So instead of investigating those thoughts, emotions, I kept pushing them away, down, suppressing and denying to the mastery of self-deception when I was able to ‘whooosh’ shut it up – but required my full attention with all my discipline. Which was sometimes available, sometimes not. And when I was not in this discipline mode, the mind roamed free – had to – as needed to balance it out from all this extreme suppression with what I tried to change it.

All in short – no matter how much one works on changing one’s mind – it’s impossible – because it’s just a systematic reflection of my beingness.

Instead of focusing to my being, who I am, accepting and allowing myself to be – I was raging a war against my mind – – the devil, the boogeyman, the white rabbit, which was actually myself. So I was always fighting myself, often went nuclear to decimate and mutilate my mind, ending up abusing myself on mental, emotional and physical level.

The dance was a beautiful holiday from these inner wars, because the mind was quiet, I was sort of satisfied, so as one song lyrics says ‘you take a vacation from
yourself’.
—–
I kept exploring the various movements and physical expressions and even when I had the starting point as the mind – there was some enjoyment and emerging genuine physical awareness moments in those movements already.
Often at these tranceparties, me and my frends stayed until the last moment, when next day or at the end of the festival week, organizers turned off the sound system – because it had such a home experience, wherein everything is contained with the music, there is always a next beat, a melody, a synth pad flowing and waving, blooming and playing.

But the vacation was always over, and I returned home to my sober self and it felt miserable and I had to go to work, had to be with my arguing girlfriend and I just did not see actual change in my life.

It was a nice escapism era of my life although I always turned into an unstoppable flow of starting as a mild annoyance through bitter frustration into a full blown internal rage to try to break out from this mellow nightmare I existed as behind the smiling curtains…

Lol, such a dramatic wording, but this is brutal and absolute self-honesty, so no sugarcoating here.

When I had some near-death experiences, quite several ones actually, I had to stop and reconsider, as one thing I was absolutely certain with – it’s not yet time to die as I am still not free and thus my life is about to reach freedom. See – even the most innocent starting point can become subject and excuse to a total delusional mind-possession. Freedom is overrated. The only true freedom is living within absolute self-honesty. But in that time this was just not yet to be understood. So many years, unnecessarily. That’s why I compose this here, so others might do it more smarter.

I really tried to compress the amount of writing but this just came through. Dancing. Back to it.

I stopped taking psychedelics even before finding desteni self-supporting process, community and tools; as the last ones really just showed it’s acid-like characteristics to my mind, melting stuff down and remaining with nothing.

So I started to investigate a hundred other ways, methods, practices, history, cultures, books and I kept searching and looking.

One day, when I broke my leg, so could not walk, had no money, had nothing much, found Desteni Portal video, a being coming through(Jim Morrison) and he was talking about Oneness and Equality and to forgive myself. That hit really directly, immediately had the realization that this is it, it’s THE opportunity I have to grab with all of me entirely. I did not really care if this was truly ‘portalling’ JM from the ‘other side’, because I was mindblown by the words, the MESSAGE.
Noone ever talked of such words in this world, I am certain. No scriptures or allegedly holy books, teachings or schools ever mentioned the simple principle and practical common sense this message means, and still, it is one true authentic source of liveable self-honesty with the most direct approach. This I can stand with in front of the whole existence and will keep walking until it’s necessary or finding even more practical common sense.

So. I read all the available material back there about desteni, the message and the awareness tool self-forgiveness and started to write, apply this self-forgiveness as I really needed to(everyone). So many things I could not forgive myself from my past, many I did not even know about, that’s why the writing was necessary. And take responsibility for. Directly.

Throughout the last decade, I am still walking this process, this blog is one aspect of it, the courses I walk, and more relevantly, my life is what I embrace and share, committed to walk with the principle of equality and oneness within self-honesty.

Here I am today, no drugs since years, no alcohol, many things changed, but the dancing remained. More rarely, must admit, but still, at least once in two months, trying to go somewhere to have some fun moves.

See, it’s not about mind, transcendence, consciousness, nothing extraordinary, but me as physical, dancing and expressing myself as life itself.

Somewhen back, I think it was about 4 or 5 years ago, when I was already not doing drugs, I smoked weed again before one of my favorite trance performers, but the experience was very disappointing, I felt like I am not my whole body anymore, but condensed into my head and lost the overall one and equal as body experience(I guess the level I am in regarding to that in comparison to be in and as the mind constantly and using the body as a biorobot).

I had to wait on the dancefloor until the effect of the drug went away to be able to re-obtain my ability to dance.

And I was a regular smoker before, but something changed, I had to realize that I only believed that this drug supports me and turned out, not really, so the self-honesty is to let it go – and I had a bit of struggle with that for a while, sure, it’s quite stimulating, things seem to slow down a bit when stopped, but once I committed myself to stop once and for all, and stand into this bodytime awareness – Life just opened up to me so much more!

All the mind looks for is speed, energy and intensity – even if it means to fall out of sync with physical reality – can be addictive, but if someone aims progress, results and expansion – has to let go the mind completely and only use it as a tool, not as a master. And that takes time and effort to change.

One little example from my recent piano lessons – I keep practising the two hands scales up and down up and down, and after several mistakes, teacher says, I gotta slow down, focus on precision, instead of speed – and I still resist it! Because how grand it feels when I can do it fast! But sometimes I make mistakes, and then I am frustrated, doing it more, more faster, and then making more mistakes! Speed and effectiveness has to be built from the foundation, first slowly, with direction and awareness. Really the same with self than with any tools or instruments. Drugs do not help with that, I know, many take drug to fight against attention deficit or tiredness, but it always will take a toll, meaning opportunity to train and progress consistently. And that consistency is key. And if the drug sabotages my consistency being present, in sync with the physical – in dancing, playing music or simply walking or breathing – then the drug is not supporting me. Common sense. So by letting go the intensity, I can gain consistency. There is a saying ‘Walk slowly, reach further’.

See, all drug user people are blown away how much they can ‘flash’ and ‘fly’ with the experience, but the thing is, the most mind-blowing thing one can do is to constantly remain sober!

Another point for me about doing drugs at a party(or anywhere, anytime) is so limited – I am limited by the type of the drug and what effect it brings – and I can’t just turn it off, it has it’s own pre-programmed ride – and I am bound to that.

Nowadays, I can have the most ecstatic trance with sober self-direction, and in the next minute I can have casual discussion with people in clarity about anything requiring any type of focus or openness. From the dancefloor, I can walk to the car, sit in and drive to the highway and travel fast responsibly and safely.
If any sort of problem, accident or danger presents itself – I am immediately able to assess reality and support with effective and practical common sense.

I do not get exhausted by the drug experience, but by time will be tired, true, and then I go home and sleep – on next day I wake up without feeling drained or exhausted.
Many would argue, because of being sober, I do not reach such peaks and heights, intensity as they do with the drugs.

Here is the thing – I do not have to – I can be just fine without leaving my body and presence, responsibility and self-direction. Many thinks it is limitation, for me it is the liberation.

And if I feel limited about something, when finding myself on a new path – feeling awkward – which still can happen for sure – I am able to be present and see in real time, what’s the issue here, and how can I support myself to overcome this self-limitation or self-dishonesty.

I am often approached at parties when people see me dancing that they ask me if I can give them drugs, because they believe I am on something and they also want that. And I say, water – coffee, tea – and its quite a fun.

One should not need to take any drugs to have extreme amount of fun and insights, relaxation, entertainment and release – because then what happens is that I am not moving, directing, DOING those things directly, but I am using a bridge to help me to do it, and next time it will be a bit more difficult to do it by myself. So, especially with people who have tendency to have addiction, can really pick up the habit of taking drugs and that’s why it’s called “re-creational drug use”.
They keep trying to re-create the same experiences, what they defined as cool.

Over and over and over again. I did not like that, I was born to consistently expand, grow and learn, understand and explore a bit more every day.

So, dancing is part of me now, and still there is so much to learn, explore and enjoy, but it’s not needed for me to be here, to enjoy myself and be clear within myself. Just as I mentioned before, same as sex – should be an equal aspect of our lives without the mind dominating it.

And alcohol and drugs are the best food for the mind, it really grows and inflates, feeds those. That’s why it’s not really suggested to use them for those who really and truly, honestly and absolutely want to transcend their own mind-limitations. Period. There is no place for excuse or justification beyond this. Who still tries to validate a semi- or full regular drug or alcohol use yet still claiming to walk the self-liberation – it is pure self-delusion. Not me to judge at all, not everyone ‘needs’ to transcend, only who decides to and I am here to reflect in that regard.

Because once one lets go the mind – alcohol or drug has no effect whatsoever. And even that can screw with the mind by people ‘wanting just to test if they still being owned by the mind’ – it’s really slippery and one can really sink one slip at a time by defining it still being cool to end up in ten years still getting drunk and sometimes not understanding why so bitter.

Words are the keys, to decompose, re-define and live them according to no polarity of the mind, no energy, and that is a key to progress.

That is why I find this little story strong, because it’s from the point of one word – dancing – and how it started, what I defined it, how it did not support me in the longer term, thus needed to let go, re-define and nowadays, if I live the word dancing – it is not limiting, but part of my self-expression.
About drugs – I do not say you should not do it, but on the longer run, beyond trying once or twice, it is really not giving that much as walking life soberly can give. And I have many friends who still ‘push’ and ‘blow’ their mind with alcohol and drugs – it’s their decision, I do not judge, but certainly showing an example of how to live and expand without those, and if asked, I am sharing what and how I realized to be who I am today.
In this regard I find confidence and calmness within, respect and trust towards myself.

This is my process in relation to dancing and drugs, self-honesty and re-definition in a nutshell.

So that’s it for now, consider writing, every day, stabilize yourself, get back to the physical and let go the convictions and delusions one breath at a time.

Thanks, enjoy, dance and breathe as there is no next moment, fully self-honest and present as you can!

Some opening up self-forgiveness statements, if one is on similar path but would like to understand more about what’s behind the conscious mind…

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define energy and intensity as invigorating, not realizing that I am compensating in my mind, regardless of facts, physical reality, only focusing to perception, because I am feeling as god in my own mind, to do as I please, to focus to where I can experience satisfaction and release, instead of asking the question of what is the creation of the opposite points already existing within me I try to balance out, such as not being whole, inferior, missing out, not being good enough, feeling powerless, insignificant or simply confused.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the mind is a tool, a reflection of myself and the more I give permission to it from my perception, definition, judgement and decision making through blindly trusting patterns of thoughts, feelings and emotions, the more less it seems more smooth, automatic, immediate and natural and this does not mean this is who I truly am or is this an instinct I should trust or not even bothering to want to understand how and why these exist within me as personality, behavior and set of characters triggered within specific situations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiences, and thus consciousness as it is only an experience, are more relevant or superior than physical facts and ending up being convinced that it is the source of myself, the nature of my being, the origin and beingness of myself, while not considering what’s always here, consistently sourcing and making it possible to be obsessed with, the physical, my flesh, the actual tangible reality here and within that obsession not even wanting to understand how and why it is my true self, equal and one with all life here, mesmerized by the spirit, the experience and only realizing it when it does not last and facing reality again and then only looking for the next trip vacation out from myself, my responsibility, my creation.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can escape from the consequences of my creation, participation and existence in life with experiences, energetic stimulation and mind-blowing chemical rituals, meanwhile not admitting the fact that the most effective way to results and solution is always practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself to take drug and want to escape from reality and to just have fun almost senselessly, because it’s too tough, inhumane or negative altogether and hoping to seek our reach out to states wherein all makes sense, I can be liberated or exemplified from who I manifested myself to be and become as an individual and unique aspect of life in this lifetime.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pollute my expressions of words with associations, definitions, reactions, judgments, comparisons, fears, desires, emotions and all kinds of energetic experiences automatically associated and influenced in my under-conscious mind and not realizing the self-honest call to purify my words one by one to simply re-define each to live them with self-honesty, integrity and practical common sense in support of myself and all others around me equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined myself only being able to have fun truly at parties with alcohol and drugs, not realizing that I am re-and re-creating the same similar mind-set, experiences over and over again, almost like hypnotizing myself into a state of apparent virtual existence, wherein everything is cool, nice and great, not realizing that as the core and starting point contains negative, thus the whole card-tower is always one reaction/association/remembrance away from falling apart, which I can’t control, thus not really building true and stable confidence or self-trust here, but in a way, playing casino, gambling with my own – and my surrounded’s life within responsibility – as even if I do not admit/take responsibility – it’s always here for me, as who I am.

Just to see – how one can utilize this kind of approach to discover what I have accepted, by looking inwards, to follow the rabbit, writing down and seeing the patterns of matrix, which is everywhere, because it’s my consciousness and as I defined as who I am, do not not even consider the need or practicality of deconstructing and releasing it word by word.

Thanks again, enjoy and bye

T

Day 393 – Disruption of consistency and breathing back to reality

DSC_0245Let’s see a point of disruption within consistency

I notice a self-dishonesty ‘going down‘ – which means I am doing something which of am realizing that it’s not supporting, based on self-interest or delusion, yet I am not stopping, forgiving, re-aligning and changing that.

That disrupts the built up consistency and self-trust. In a way it even contains shame and regret. But it’s all self-manipulation, because I see the choices, I make one based on understanding the consequence, which I will judge myself about.

Within that experience, a resistance to movement will manifest. A sort of doubt, a petrification.
In a way it is a bubble of excuse to keep walking and moving and I know it will dissipate, but in a way I count on it and while this bad phases out, I do not move, push, expand and stand up but to distract, entertain and suppress myself.

This is a tough point, because relates to several self-dishonesty points I return to participate within from time to time and I do not really like that.

Various strategies I can apply towards this, the most recent is to not look back, don’t try to analize, deduct or decompose, just keep looking forward, not judge myself, but keep moving, trusting myself that eventually I will get through and over this.
In a way it’s alright, but at the same time it’s kind of a bullshit, because here is no balance of looking at the facts without judging and getting reactive to understand versus keep moving forward within self-trust.

So it is an unworded doubt I see. I do not word it, because then I would be ‘judging’ but it’s infiltrating me.

This relates to why I did not write yesterday. Let’s not misunderstand, it’s quite alright if I do not write for one day, when it’s a decision, clarity within self-honesty and acting that – but when it’s not decided, it’s like I am being triggered to do or not do something, that is a problem.

Not because I am a control-freak mind-power-junkie, but because I am aware of that there is doubt and behind it there was a choice wherein I deliberately chosen self-dishonesty to apply, even when I knew that I would regret it, because I do not really want that to do, but in the moment and of reactions, I fell into this energetic state.

Sigh. Let’s list up the points to see what would be practical approach

to list up these situations and draw the trigger point – automatic reaction – predictable action triangle to these points, so I can predict consequence within awareness without using the mind, thinking and thus automatically reacting. It’s like learning who I am today objectively. Almost like clinical observation – cause and effect. It’s quite a challenge, but that’s where Desteni I Process course, support and community helps immensely. The tools and lessons, principles and techniques really help me to slow down, ground myself and re-align.

Recently I started to apply breathing a bit more actively than before – it’s still not a natural skill, sometimes doing, sometimes forgetting – but getting to the ability to push myself into breathing and presence – out from the mind. Even if it means as a bit more heavier, intense breathing. Not quite, but at the moment explaining with – clearing my head with pushing in oxygen. Of course, not to hyper-ventillate(breath very intensely and quickly for a while), because that would probably get me psychedelic experiences, but to simply bring myself back here.
It’s something to experiment with.
I used to believe and define that I am more aware if I always breath more slowly, but the thing is – it’s really contextual.

It’s not about how I breathe, but who I am within that and am I present or lost in the mind thought-emotion-reaction maze for seconds, minutes…

Presence and self-trust, self-honesty and consistency is really something what can be broken and diminished with losing presence by falling into the mind-maze, even for a second. Accumulation of that substantiation should not be underestimated, just as the lack of it too.

Back to the first topic – it’s almost like manipulating myself to justify stop moving and trying to ‘create time’ for the positive experience I create by defining moving and expanding as difficult, thus somewhat negative.
in fact, when walking through the bullshit of my self-creation, it might seem as negative, but it’s just what is here and how I defined it, and it might as well be that it’s indeed that crap, who I accepted myself to exist as, and now just starting to face and it’s tough. That’s why I avoided to face and transcend myself in the first place.

So that’s a relevant point in process to prepare – my own bullshit will be stinky and should never be any excuse not to keep walking through it.

Many people stop walking their process of self-realization by defining it to be too hard, intense, difficult or even impossible, start justifying by injecting blame, projection or any other mind-component, and it’s obviously self-dishonest.

So walking self-forgiveness on these two relevant points now.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop moving, expanding, applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment when I fall into a self-dishonest action by doubting myself, judging myself and feeling ashamed and projecting this self-judgement to my own process as being not good enough and not realizing that this very judgement is also self-dishonest and the practical common sense is to look at the point I fell with from presence and to apply self-forgiveness, understanding and to see how to support myself the BEST WAY POSSIBLE to prevent myself to do it again.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do something what I see as self-dishonest, not stopping it and not standing up immediately to do all I can to prevent myself falling into justifying to chose to do it again, then I am setting myself up 100% to do it again, thus re-creating the point, the self-dishonesty and the reaction of stopping to move myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the practicality to push myself, move myself, direct myself to write down exactly the point I am facing and already knowing that I have tendency to fall into the temptation of doing it even when it’s obviously not supportive, and within that to acknowledge, there is a part of me what does not want to let this point go, does not want to change, and let go, because defining it as valuable, as myself, as feeling good and within that not realizing that it’s a mesmerizing short-term experience I try to bubble myself into, refugee myself away from the facts, reality and the responsibility waiting for me in each moments here equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I am holding onto within fear of loss is something literally holding me back instead of growing, expanding and birthing myself, thus it’s the best to word these fear of loss points and to see if it’s actually realistic fear or not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose something because believing that if I would have to ‘be self-honest’ I could not enjoy myself, or I would have to refrain myself to enjoy something completely and within that not realizing that it’s not about what I do and how, but who I am within it and if something is absolutely abusive or harmful to do, then I am definitely in need to let that go and explore alternatives to express enjoyment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the ‘guilty pleasure’ for instance falling into self-stimulation and entertainment, consuming high-sugar contained food is for a positive experience in the mind to balance out the already self-accepted negative experiences, and the practical common sense is to face and deal with those in the first place and to see if there is substance within judging myself or my reality as bad, negative and why is that and what would be the solution for that within common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of change in relation to enjoyment as it would be a transition phase from mind-stimulation to actual physical movement and expression and during that transition phase it’s not cool as walking through the consequences of self-abuse, but it is crucial to realize that this is the only way, through HERE.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disrupt my consistency of walking process when realizing that I am deliberately chosing a self-dishonest action due to the desire for indulgence to feel positive no matter what and within that not realizing that the positive experience is merely temporally and I will feel at least the same amount for negative once the stimulation stops, ending up feeling just as negative, thus longing for the next ‘positive experience fix’ within this time-loop until I really commit to stand up and change.

In regarding to this, the second point about breathing is to create and live in order to support slowing down within when the positive-negative mind-polarities would overwhelm with energetic experiences to the point of automatic actions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the greatest gift existing in this world to me, which is the ability to become aware and keep being aware of my breath here, thus giving up all the thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions in the mind and stick to be constantly and consistently here, justified by the self-delusion that these things are to help and boost me, but in fact only sabotaging to walk through the shadow of me, the mirror of my beingness, the manifested consequences of my actions, the mind system, ruling me, owning and controlling me until I do not realize each and every bit of it’s details, causes and effects to be able to take responsibility to stick to true self-trust within each breath constantly.
  • When and as I am about to lose my presence, clarity and commitment to consistent action of self-honesty, I apply breathing, no matter what speed or intensity I decide, I trust myself, and I breathe, in and out, until my head is clear and empty and I can continue with expanding with self-trust.
  • When and as things seem to get complicated and I am being overwhelmed and tempted to start thinking, judging, comparing and self-defining, I breathe, in and out, here, feeling the body, presence, the physical, gravity and air and I consider what support and tool would be the best practical to apply, such as writing, communicating, planning or to do what action directly here.

Day 392 – Learning without frustration

DSC_0021I am learning to play piano with private teacher since a while. It is going – I don’t really know how. Sometimes seems like I have elephant hands, other days I am surprised how awesome I do by considering that I just started. It’s really difficult to tell how I progress. There is some, that’s certain.

Here is this temptation sometimes to compare myself to others, in particular kids, as the school I go to, where are multiple rooms with pianos, in the hallway, there are these huge couches and sometimes I wait there for the previous pupil to finish with my teacher. So I am sitting with kids. Kind of cute scenery, I guess.

So sometimes I wonder if am I slower or faster learner, but then I realize, it does not really matter. I do not wish to be famous concert soloist soon, not that I do not want to be better and better, but primarily it’s not about how good I become. Mostly, because it’s relative.

I have a starting point, a commitment, a decision to do and with that it is quite simple to progress.

Wow, this point has opened up a loooooot of things to write about, so let’s prioritize and stick to the point.

Let’s put my life simply into three phases to make it more obvious.

  • I had my life before started to walk desteni process of self-honesty
  • I had my life during the understanding phase of how extraordinary desteni process is and figured out how to apply self-forgiveness in real change
  • and I have my life wherein I have the tools, the understanding and capability of assisting and supporting myself within the process of self-realization

The things, habits, abilities, skills, relationships I have formed in the first part of my life is still required to walk a re-alignment
during my second phase I was quite clinical so to speak to approach things, so it was sort of a self-introspective, from action point of view might seem as a passive phase, but it was self-movement already, just mostly through the mazes of my mind

The things and activities I have decided to do since finding myself more and more here, present and directive are much more carrying a signature of clarity and simplicity.

Driving a car is something I’ve learned four years ago and as it was extremely challenging in the beginning due to my fears and resistances but once walked through those, it’s something what granted me a lot of gifts and potentials to grow.

Learning music is also something what I’ve approached multiple times in my life but somehow always postponed, de-prioritized. Since moved to Ireland, this was a clear decision that it is something I am going to do and investing into it. Also doing it quite moderately, not falling into it, there are other decisions, commitments to apply before this in the priority list of self-agreement, but it’s something what’s doable in this phase of my life, so decided to do this investment.

Investment used to be such a distant and sort of scary word for me before – mostly because I never really had anything and did not consider what it can actually mean or birth.

It is still a tiny bit difficult to write it down – I am investing into learning music. Yet I am doing it in a consistent and measurable way since months.

It’s about self-reflection. And as this decision was born within the phase of my life when I am much more clear, calm, assertive and directive, yet having some patterns, memories linking back to my past – it’s quite supportive to be able to ground myself with this point; yet being able to walk the self-correction of my reluctancy to patterns from my past. Those patterns I already realized that do not support me thus requiring release and change.

I am learning the simplest songs in the world to play with piano. Two hands. Yet can be challenging.

I never admitted that I have this ‘love’ – addiction maybe – to experience frustration from time to time. Not directly to the frustration itself, but the limits I face and the opportunity to get through those, it’s something exciting.

Altough it can escalate to impatience and impracticality.
Sometimes happens that I can’t play something well, I just play it more and faster, not caring if I make mistakes, just keep doing, flowing, moving…

The teacher lady suggests me to really slow down and do it right from the start, with focus, discipline, precision. Makes totally sense.

I still feel that there is something in those free undisciplined fast practises I cannot yet word, but something is birthing from those specifically, so will do so.

Yet also taking the professional advice to slow down. In a way it’s great to take the advice and at the same time to allow myself to find within it in a balanced manner.

Not really liking frustration though. I used to become really frustrated when I could not do something. Made me kind of pissed off that I can’t do it and that gave me the strength to headbang myself to it again and again until I can do it.

In my past with the music, with all the theory missing, the basic structure and ability to read and play scores made me hitting a wall. I just could not pass through this. I am capable of composing complex audio sequences as did several ‘tracks’ before, yet not being able to ‘speak’ the language of music – my creations were always limited and I knew it. So that’s why it’s encouraging to ‘go back’ and learn it and thus correct my approach to accumulate practical knowledge be able to read and write music and handle frustration much easily.

Now it’s simple – I stop, calm down, breathe and break it apart. Step by step, even if it’s one single note or two. Everyone should know this approach, one would think.
Everyone should be able to learn everything, one also might think. Yet most of the people can’t learn stuff, only what they have been preprogrammed to so to speak.

Music is just an example of many dimensions I started to be able to move. Before that although I had my cool moments, often felt like a trapped animal inside. And many did not know, notice or feel, but I did. And there were always someone else who also did and in those moments I felt more that I am not doing really great. This accumulated and eventually drove me to keep finding new things to stumble into the Desteni message and tools and community.

I am not going to say that Desteni process saved my life, it’s not a frakking jesus story – although I have gotten, and still receiving enormous level and quantity of support from desteni – but it’s all on me. All I learn and get, stop and change, birth and create – I am doing this.

In this sense, I am greateful to myself as desteni process and to imagine my life without it would sound like trying to continue living without breathing.

Everything new I start is so much simpler and clear now – and if is not, that is mostly because being related to something crap I carry from my past I have not opened, understood, forgiven and stopped yet, so it’s time.

Even the most difficult point in my life – partnership – the last one was much more simple, direct and stable than any of the previous ones. It has ended, yes, but learned something from it and opened up new things which I will be able to approach with curiosity and passion, clarity and openness.

This writing has opened up some points, so wrapping it up with some self-forgiveness sentences to substantiate the understanding, so can focus to real time application of change already. Writing about points is really useful, but sometimes things just can come at me and opportunity opens in the moment to apply, especially if the mind-stubborn patterns have been ‘loosen up’ with self-forgiveness previously.

It’s like magic – really, this is what everyone always dreamed of, desired after, just it’s so direct and surprisingly simple that noone realizes it’s potential. My, your potential.

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity within slowing down and trying to justify to intensify and wanting to move faster when it’s common sense that if I do not do something right with normal tempo, it will probably not be better if I try to do it fast as obviously I do some mistake and if I speed up, I do not have the ability to correct in real time, to prevent to go bad before happening, meanwhile if I slow down, I can really focus to the small details what constitute a movement, an action to study, understand, expand, grow and improve with – and once the foundation is clear, then to move faster.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like frustration but not too much because it stimulates and generates energy what feels empowering but if it’s too much then I lose control and myself and can’t apply the common sense anymore and within that not realizing that I try to compensate with frustration what I lack from the beginning, which is decision, motivation, direction and commitment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to live commitment in real time unconditionally and only wavering around with it when feeling low or needing energy instead of realizing the whole concept of energy is misleading and the proof that I lack real commitment, thus I should focus to that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself within frustration and thus lose practical common sense instead of taking a deep breath, re-align with what’s reasonable and makes sense and to apply it without energy up and down, low or high.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity to be honest with myself and apply this honesty in each moment to let go and stop anything dishonest and not practical.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the extent of my brainwashing of giving into frustration and excuses to not see directly whats the practical approach and to simply breathe, take it apart and accumulate practical progress.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within frustration and the energy I feel with there is power and with that to try to boost my energy and will to keep doing something I am having difficulty with and within that not realizing that how I create the frustration experience in the first place.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that frustration comes from judgement, judgement comes from comparison and to decompose it to the extent of being able to prevent it, I must word down and remember the points I compare, judge and react to and understand why I react with powerlessness and fear, and that is what I try to overcome with the frustration energy, yet not seeing the problem with it which is that if I am not frustrated, I do not move, if I am frustrated, I move with energy, which distracts and influences my ability to apply practical common sense and focus on consistency and stability.