Day 312 – A sudden tiredness while writing

danc-1I was writing about a point when all of a sudden I felt tired. I was writing for a while and then in the next moment I am super tired, and I had to stop writing(typing).

I went out, got some fresh air, chilling night, walked around a bit and then realized that this tiredness is mental, not physical. Exists only in the mind. As it came, was gone again.

So, whenever I give into the mental tiredness without being really tired, I am actually compromising myself.

But what was the reason of such tiredness EXPERIENCE? There was a judgement for which I felt reaction to.

I was writing about dancing and I started to write a little history of my relationship with dancing, how and why I started to do it, my initial resistances to it, some of my experiences when I broke through that resistance and actually how I came to who I am today, totally enjoying to dance.

About that process – it was related to mind-altering substances and I was uncertain that I should write down all of my history or get right to the point of what I wanted to share.
But for that to effectively share everything being relevant to the ‘story’ – I wanted to throw a brief of history. Just to expand on how much someone can change.

But then judgements started to arise. First of all, my first real dancing experience was related to MDMA, street name: ecstasy. But then I was reacting about, what if people would misunderstand me, and would think that I am promoting the drug. And I often stated this: with actual, professional support, these induced experiences can bridge through difficulties, but eventually the individual as self has to stand as physical substance directly, not with mind-altering substance.

And no matter what are the facts, which is that I expanded with the drug and I thought that who I am today is actually ‘beyond’ drugs and again reminded myself not wanting to promote them.

So then I was uncertain about how to share myself without my own personal back-story.

Well, I also want people to be able to relate, especially those who are still taking drugs at parties for dancing. But I got into the reaction of judging all of these and the more I started to judge, the more this became complicated and I was becoming uncertain, or at least not being completely satisfied with what and how I wrote. I started to react to the point of becoming distracted with the experience of reactions from the topic and direction I decided to write about.

Then, all of a sudden I felt really tired. Interesting.

While I have this obvious, clear and visible direction – I am not tired – and when I start to doubt, judge, react, hesitate – I am tired. As experience.

Let’s see this self-definition: I am tired. I have tried, but now I am tiredness, not direction, not motivation.

The human mind is so powerful device, this should be taught from childhood, on how the typical mind-constructs work, what are the usual self-sabotage patterns into which most of the human individuals can reason themselves to go into with certain, selective and personally specific topic, and once inner judgements have been made, thought-chain-reactions were ran through, emotional or feeling energies have been generated and experienced: the very perception of that individual is being influenced, limited, shaped and formed according to the specific origin and source points of self-separation based on fear already exist within the person’s inner core of being without ever being noticed.

But instead, people learn a bunch of totally unnecessary and superficial ‘sciences’ and ‘arts’ at school, even the history what is being taught dominates with resonances of justification, acceptance and allowance of massive scale of abuse against life without compassing through with real dignity. Doing that by completely disregarding individual statuses, abilities, affinities and talents, thus breaking down the natural learning ability of the child and omitting to teach the most relevant keystones of living, which is being able to be honest with self and how to explore, nurture and develop an intimate relationship with self with direct physical human body expression and through defining, saying and living words in synch.

That’s why I suggest to question every experience in the mind, many-many times a simple ‘tiredness’ can be result of an inner resistance to not see, to not realize, to be able to justify self-limitation and choosing comfort versus hurting with the truth of what extent humans are lacking self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty.

So this is a reminder to be able to catch such inner movements and reactions before becoming one with the experience, which then is basically self-persuaded acceptance for self-limitation: in my case: to not write down, to not develop the writing for being able to share what I decided to. Maybe, possibly, because I still could learn and expand something about this aspect of myself, which I might still resist unconsciously. This then is an other common sense point to continue and see what I can discover. So.

I am going to finish the writing about my story, relationship and changes about dance, because there are a lot to share and I find it quite relevant to be able to write down my realizations about how to embrace my own body and how to express without thoughts, feelings and emotions, but directly as self-expression.

I used to believe that the best thing I could ever do is to become and live ‘undefined’, but it turns out that decomposing and letting go self-limiting definitions is just the first step and actually can be supportive to re-define words to be able to live them within clarity and response-able awareness of inner self and outer world as equal as one. And that is the real art of transformation of matter, the one and only true alchemy, when literally shit turns to gold, which is the metaphor to the unification of man from self-dishonest to self-honest.

Day 311 – Changing the World starts with changing SELF

img_0978I am kind of flu-ish right now, but realized this does not stop me from sharing some points today.

Let’s look a day like a mini-creation. I mean, I am already created, the world is too, but in terms of what if I would wake up like I am actually a creator, meaning I could literally create and/or change things.
In my life and in the world equally so.
What would I change? Stop all wars in the world, end slavery, stop the destruction of biodiversity and nature’s healthy ecosystem. This seems like a good choice, but what if those of my changing/creating abilities are not actually magical, supernatural, but totally from this world. I mean we all know that there are actual individuals who are leading the way of re-shaping specific aspects of society with their power of influence, inventions and innovative investments. Just giving an example: electric car. It’s inevitable now, what car company does not brings out awesome electric cars in the next 5-10 years, they soon will fade away silently. Okay, probably there will always be some petrolhead, but here talking about the majority.
So if I look at what it would take to imagine/plan/finance/develop/create/maintain/profit and expand such company: it’s not magical – but a lot of effort, work, work and work. That’s what I am referring to here.
Not the excuses and justifications, but to see what it would take to change the world.

This might not be an obvious approach, so let’s go like this:

What if I would not be limited from within, mentally, emotionally, morally at all – ever – and then this comes up: I’d be then limited by financially, right? Because if I would have endless amount of money, how things would be much-much easier?
But really? I’d hire a bunch of professionals of what I’d like them to do, like ‘fix the economy’ or ‘make people become smarter’.
Hehe, does not those super-rich politicians do exactly like this, the latest monkeylord presidents here and there, and probably soon there will be more of these opportunists – don’t they do what they think is the best? It does not matter in what context of what interest they mean -the best-. Of course it matters, but what it takes to get into such position is also a question here.

I am sure they will have to be absolute dedication, commitment, self-trust and relentless effort of accumulating of actually DOING STUFF. Only actions are relevant, all thoughts are like smoke – fly away pretty quick.

I do really want to change the world, make it better, not needing children to suffer as much as I did suffer, although in comparison I did not suffer that much as other kids suffer elsewhere – I definitely wish to end that too.
In fact by looking at the kids starving to death, being drone-missiled to shreds, being brainwashed as suicide bombers – or being a 7 years old slave in a sapphire-mine or a scrapyard – my own childhood limitations and sufferings were like a privileged happy barbie camp.

But still – my family was struggling, most of the adults often shouted and argued drunk, because of lack of money, their fear and insecurities plus their constant petty blaming all the time. I could use better clothes, more proper equipment, gear to learn and study a lot more effectively, especially if some of my school teachers would not have been such douches and hitting me several times, which did hurt me not really physically, but also made me realize, I should trust myself, not in school, not in family support, not in others – although my constant desire was to find somebody or something to tell me what to do and how to do it – and it never came.

The real support was to show me how can I support and assist myself to change my world, which originates from me, within, myself here. How I would want to change the world of everyone if I can’t stop being nervous when talking to a woman I like? Or how could I imagine being an inspiring leader for the betterment of humanity if I am shy and uncertain when I would have to make a speech or talk in front of a bunch of people?
More specifically:
How could I become an example of world change, if I could not change my self-compromising habits, such as being addicted to relentlessly avoiding responsibility, stability and consistency, unwilling and unable to commit myself to a real partnership? I had to realize that who I was had to die, I have to rebirth and reinvent, re-define and re-create myself.
Although my aim was getting more clear of what I have to do, for a while I was mesmerized with experiences and intensity, desires and inner resistances, I walked some years with spirituality, psychedelic drugs and a sort of off-grid lifestyle. Well, after a while this did lead to literally nowhere and I’ve walked some big cycles and after each I’ve found myself literally at the same spot I’ve started with nothing but myself here.
It was obvious that what I accumulate has no merit, no substance and no real self-trust here.

So after the next hit rock bottom experience, I’ve re-started searching for the N. time and this time I’ve found something really interesting, about the concept of self-honesty, the principle of equality and oneness and the practical application of self-forgiveness. That immediately hit my mind, like a virus and could not let go.

Then I literally dropped immediately all previous concepts, belief systems, processes, methods, thoughts and realized that I always chase oneness and equality separately and the only reason was that I always remained separated, thus powerless from being one AND equal with myself at the same time, is because of my mind, my consciousness, my systematic thought, emotion, feeling-processes, basically pre-conditioned to situations, experiences, words, sound, visual and other sensory stimuli.

In this world, the ability to change starts with changing myself to being able to see things as they are – also starting with self: seeing what I am accepting and allowing currently.

And it’s a tough one, never to be underestimated. Even though I am literally accepting and allowing everything to exist and continuing to be re-created in this world, on this earth, within this human ‘civilization’, I am not aware of the specifics, thus I do not understand, I am literally unaware.
I am not even aware of how my own human physical body works – seems like magic, science itself is still only scratching the surface, so how can I be so sure of what’s possible and what not if not investigated anything and everything by myself?

Again – although seems so fascinating to jump into the household of living cells and DNA-reproduction, I’d still start with my immediate, obvious reality within and around me – let’s say human relationships, family. Why? Because it’s here, I can approach it every day, I can work with it, I can slow down, I can create distance and observe, I can get closer, I can interact, it’s a direct system, which is here. Of course not everyone is fortunate enough to have family or not being totally douche bags, but most of us have ~okay~ family to start to learn about self.

Even though, I want to change let’s say how my family members argue and fight with each other, and every time I am among them, I get frustrated, ashamed, nervous, angry and then I also might start shouting at them and eventually leaving them and spending time to calm down, blame them, basically giving up on them, but not really, -not giving up- on them either, thus constantly re-creating the cycle of the same pattern. Even further: it always changes, evolves a bit more each time it happens, what’s being accumulated becomes part of reality and once actions were made, words have been said, there is consequence, which of some cannot be changed back. For instance in my family, once I witnessed how my drunk grandpa took the door off from it’s hinges and started to bash other family members with it while my mum jumped at his neck with a knife to save my grandma from him and luckily no one has injured seriously, but that scene probably influenced me much more than just watching it on TV and my family’s and probably my own life could have been gone into different direction if that night would have ended with a fatality, which was kind of luck in a way… So yes, irreversible consequences do exist. Best cure is prevention.

In this situation for instance, – when the family is only at ‘argument level’ – although it seems like obviously ‘my family members’ are the problem in my world, what I’d like to change – who I am today and how I handle ‘them’ – makes it impossible to have actual direction, influence and power, the ability to solve actual problems.
Why? Because I am part of this system now, as long as I am automatically reacting, then acting upon those reactions – I am part of the problem.

So, even though it might seem as good idea to somehow get control over the arguing people’s conversation, my starting point is influenced by, motivated with my own reactions, which is already stimulating me in a way I might not be aware to the utmost extent, because when I am in it, I am of it too.

Thus, first step is to be able to see what I am accepting and allowing and take responsibility for that.
Also to take responsibility for what I have not accepted and allowed to see/realize/understand about this, within me, in relation to the situation.

Then I can realize that I could totally not react, not get angry, emotional, taking it personally the things I hear/see from others and it’s a process to stop reacting to the things I’ve defined and experienced as negative since aeons of time. That’s my interest and there will be a lot of justifications of why it’s in my interest to do so.

Until I do not take a ‘leap of faith’ in this stopping/decompositing with the realization that ‘it’s bad enough now to start questioning’ – I will not stop automatically judging and reacting, and thus I will not be able to start to really see and understand what’s going on.

And the more reactions and judgements, emotions and thought-patterns I can prevent re-occuring within me, the more I will be able to understand, not only about myself, but the dynamics of these ‘arguments’, the other participants too.

It’s the next point I should look at – my justifications – is there any polarity, self-interest, emotional charge, reaction in regarding to those words of with I justify? To take responsibility for that is common sense. Part of the healing process.

It does not mean I should accept bully and abuse, definitely not, but I should not react with pre-defined patterns, which by I get locked into an experience automatically.

For instance if everyone gets angry around me and I could remain stable and directive, that would already be such a presence among them, that they might recognize it already – and furthermore I could start to see them for the first time without being distracted and overwhelmed by my own reactions in regarding to them.

Then still – to see what comes up in my mind, what judgement, positive or negative about others, and I also take responsibility for those – because it seems like it’s about them, well, it’s still within me, completely, thus until I can’t stop that – I will not directly see the situation, the others.

It’s pretty obvious. Well, it was not for me 9 years ago, and it might not be for someone else, but it’s even within science has been proven – the observer by it’s own observation already influences the observed. Meaning, what I experience about someone can be uncontrollably biased my own preconceptions. How can I be sure that I am not doing it? Practical understanding to it’s utmost specificity.

If I am not aware of what I actually thought 2 minutes before and why; or 5 minutes, ten minutes before – that literally means I am not really aware. I might be always conscious within a certain context, but certainly not aware. That’s a huge difference.

Consciousness vs awareness – knowing vs understanding. And if I do not understand how and why my thoughts pester in my head, it should be pretty obvious that I am not really aware of why I am doing what I am doing.

And this alone literally makes it impossible to objectively see, not only myself, but then based on my perception then: anything and everyone, including myself.

It’s like I try to change something in the world, which I am not even seeing clearly. Obviously I am not going to change it as I’d like to. It’s like when I put on binoculars the wrong way and I try to walk around and as I try to grab objects around me – my perception is wrong! Or opening up a car hood and randomly poking around with a wrench while not having any idea how this works – the chances of making it better are thin, most probably I’d make things worse.

Silly, but quite accurate comparison and example.

Then people, as they realize that their effort is not bringing the result they desire, they get more angry and choose to deal the situation with control, aggression – deception or weapons and destruction.

If I can’t explain to my neighbours why would be awesome to live in peace, I might soon ending up persuading someone, or the whole ‘nation’, the ‘congress’, the ‘cabinet’ that ‘those are the problem’ and a couple of thousands of thermonuclear weapons of mass destructions will be the solution for our ‘defense’ and peace. Insane, but this is the reality we are facing on earth.

One unrealized singular thought in the head is enough to misinterpret the reality and thus totally reacting with a really silly action with full confidence. Then imagine how many thoughts people have all the time, every day. Hundreds and thousands! It’s actually scary and sad at the same time, especially when one realizes the extent of deep shit we put ourselves into, individuals and humanity as a whole as well.

But then again – it’s not common sense to overreact on this topic either – but until someone does not admit the extent of insanity and total powerlessness of our own existence through our biased perception, our own mind consciousness system, then the individual will still trust reactions, thoughts, more easily get tempted to project, blame and justify, give up or overreact, because that’s the language of CONsciousness.

All in short – any change must start with self – because as the reality currently exists, including SELF here – is part of it, resonates with it, accepts it, as allows it – the individual is already equal and one with the problem, just not yet became aware of it, in details of it’s creation, and thus having no practical understanding how to accumulate actions towards changing it as self as equal as one.

All starts with apparently insignificant steps, changing the world starts with changing self. Until I can’t change myself, how would I like to change the world, which is a much complex system.

I indeed grew up in an arguing family, I used to react, I used to suppress, I used to judge, I used to accept such behavior until I realized I do not have to and if I ever want to change it, start supporting the arguing individuals, first I have to become the living example who I’d support with.

In Hungary, there is the saying: Help yourself and the god will help you. It refers to not wait, beg or pray for help, but do it yourself and within that you realize that you are creator and created already, now just have to live with that opportunity and for that there is no need any religion or belief.

For most of a problematic situation there is no one blueprint to always apply – sometimes to speak up, sometimes to walk away, sometimes to raise or lower voice – but never of emotions, never of energetic possessions, that’s certain. That’s like petrol to fire – just uncontrollable.

I also used to have problem with raising my voice, because it was intertwined and associated, remembered, pre-programmed within me with losing control, I used to shout only, when I already lost temper.

And interestingly, when I had to raise my volume, even when there was no argument, emotion, pretty soon I became reactive.
Example: talking with someone on the phone. The other person does not hear me, asks me to repeat it louder, and thus I do, but still, the other can’t hear me, so keeps asking me to speak louder, and all of a sudden I am shouting like a maniac. It’s like triggering all the suppressed angers. No control, no integrity, no honour in that situation, just stupid anger, which I know is not even related to the other person or the situation – or is it?
That’s the ‘beauty’ of emotions – blinding, demanding and exhausting they are.

And when I mention ’emotions’ – I do not mean love, happiness, freedom – I call emotions as negative: anger, hate, jealousy – while positive reactions as feelings – and each of those are result of self-delusion actually. Yes. Real love should never be some fuzzy, warm, positive energetic experience. Drugs can do that, even sugar with the body directly – is that love? Not really.

Love is only real when it’s lived directly. In action. Not in the mind in relation to something or someone. That’s just imagination, self-conviction, self-delusion actually. Words should not exist separately from self, the energetic experiences – that means observing, judging, categorizing through and as the mind, like a computer. Better to Live Words. Express Words, Become Words.
Nowadays I am much-much less influenced by people’s argument, tension, because it’s not supporting me and I’ve worked with that, I committed myself to prevent myself to go into those patterns/reactions.

I used to believe that to be sensitive, open, vulnerable means to allow other’s suffering to influence me, unbalance me, and thus ending up me kind of feeling the same. That’s not real either. That’s just reaction in the mind again. Also not really supportive, as to really support someone, I shall be stable and balanced.

I remember, when I used to travel in the metro and seeing those sad, exhausted, lonely and tired faces – I became sad too, I was completely unhappy and I believed that now I am connected.

At the same time I always judged and admired the people who are unaffected and completely unaware of how others feel, although they always seemed as totally self-centered and rude, but I wished for being able to have a direction within this, to find the balance between really sensing and still remain stable.

For some people for instance North India was fascinating, amazing, magical – for me it was horrible, ashaming and deeply disturbing, because some saw the nice things, such as buildings, landscapes, ancient cultures while I often focused to the illiterate, starving, begging, miserable masses of poverty, where people behave like zombies.

As I see it now – neither is self-honest, because the other person was focusing only to the positive, while I was fixated to the negative.

But not a real supportive manner, because I was not seeing directly how things are, but I was seeing through my negative judgement. And it does not mean for instance slavery is not wrong! It’s absolutely unacceptable, but I should not get worked up by negative emotions to a degree of ‘losing it’ when experiencing such phenomenon, because then I also lose direction, effectiveness and practical common sense.

This process then also brings up how morality, inner compass, the whole personality is just an elaborate facade and once we poke around our personality, motivation, it also can become totally empty and fake, just as those self-generated negative emotions or positive feelings. Life must be far beyond than these silly games. But then how to relate, connect, feel and live?

Isn’t it possible to support someone without feeling sorry and sad, because of how much the person suffered?

From another angle? Why can’t I trust myself that I would do the right thing without morality, which is taught, conditioned? Why can’t I do something supportive to someone else, who I don’t feel sorry for?

How can I ensure that once I find real self-trust, stability and unwavering constant and consistent presence, that I will not lose myself to the point of being unable to relate to anyone else but myself?

Humbleness is also key here, and principled living, to act upon what is best for all participants, including self here. And then if I am unaware of what that would actually mean, before – or after – I’d judge it, that it’s crazy, impossible, naive or utopistic, I see/realize and understand that I maybe know too much and it’s time to unlearn and by that starting to see with naked/virgin eye again, with the innocence of a child, but within awareness, responsibility and consistent presence.

Thus – changing the world – only can start with self here. One can start by listing up by how possibly could become more effective and then also to write down what are the actual facts what seem to block those possibilities to become real. Then to go further and to investigate, what I could actually do about it? How I’d do it? Do I know and understand enough for that? If not, then what it would take and how actually?

Be always on point – and if challenging, which probably will be at some point, it’s never shame to utilize writing, well, it’s literally the alchemy of creation to be the master of words, not the slave of them, so I’d encourage everyone to write regularly. Self perspective, not to keep blaming and justifying, but taking responsibility and to see what can be done and what should be forgiven to be able to move on.

Day 310 – Why people stop transcending?

Why people stop transcending?

Just a quick rant I’ve audio-recorded recently, immediately, when I’ve awaken in my bed(‘that’s why my voice sounds less focused) – then added some video timelapses to create a video  – but to ensure understanding, just transcribed it also here:

Why people stop transcending?
It’s equally fascinating question – why people start transcending?

Is it really a choice? And in this context – equally interesting.
Maybe stop transcend is neither a choice.

So instead of judging people, try to decompose what options might be in front of the individual where stopping expanding and giving up being honest with self.
For instance I participate in a self-support forum, which really supports with facing self-dishonesty, delusions and providing tools to decompose any thought-based or emotional-automatic reactions, what are in fact based on fear and delusional separation from self, from the world. And sometimes people all of a sudden just say ‘I’m done with this, I’m out of here.’ And no longer participate with this process. And one might wonder what is happening with their own mind and the most important point is that self comes first in terms of responsibility, so instead of judging another’s always look at myself, where I am at my own responsible self-honesty process.
And whenever I’d judge them as uncool or becoming uncertain or even starting to feel emotional reactions, that’s my responsibility to transcend, because if I miss that opportunity, I definitely go into delusion by judging them, projecting issues from my own mind to others. Similar, when people angry they become for the politicians, of what they do apparently to them. And blaming others will never be solution.
And I just wonder, maybe the situation with those, who transcend patterns is that they got to the position and the opportunity to sort out some points within their mind and from now on they can live more comfortably or easily access their own wants, because faced a fear and then were able to let that go, which was blocking their expression. And then all of a sudden: oh – but if I do not fear, I can enjoy myself and go out get stuff, what others also do, why bothering continuing to decompose these patterns in my mind, because fuck this, I feel good now, I should feel good, and only focus to how I experience and what I want.

And yeah, maybe that’s just simple as that. Or they faced a particular pattern fear, which they did not required, maybe they required, but they did not ask for support and assistance to cross-reference what’s real and what’s not and then not wanting to face a particularly, apparently big fear within themselves and starting to justify:
It’s alright if I’m afraid of my kid would get hurt, it’s normal parenting.
It’s normal to accept any justifiable fear, it’s only human.

And these kind of excuses can grow on someone in their mind and all of a sudden gets it becomes momentum and gets direction with self-definition, meaning they believe, it’s them and not realizing it’s accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which they literally become and will be much more difficult to decompose now even the decision have been taken over.
I’ve seen many times.
Hey, everyone, literally everyone have their own moments of transcendence and then seeing things clearly. Maybe, because just hit rock bottom and in that moment everyone can see. But the question is how I continue from that point and am I willing to justify and protect my self-interest and choose a comfortable self-limitation.

And also many people just can become effective in the system by decomposing to a certain degree, being able to change their own personality to become more successful and ‘whoo yeah, I am now successful, I can get money, I can get property, I can get family, I can get happiness so to speak, so I’m done, I’ve transcended, I’ve reached the goal I wanted, and from now on I will enjoy life.
They probably stopped transcending all patterns, because they do not yet understand that everything is interconnected, just maybe not being able to experience it, but still.

And to take responsibility for all as one as equal as myself here is much harder and difficult and longer process to walk through, then just to get to the point of ‘Oh, I am now cool, thanks, bye’.

And I should always reflect back from my own points, where I experience this and see someone so to speak ‘leaving’.
They will never leave from themselves anyway, so if there is opportunity, I get to know more of the situation and then if possible and if I already checked myself within and I’m completely clear of reactions and I’m present within silence, yet I understand what’s the situation, I can offer support, cross-referencing assistance, but if they do not take the opportunity, I have to let go, let them go and continuing walking the process and focus to what I can have responsibility for, directing myself, my own direct reality, my own relationships, my own life, which I can change.
Thank you very much.


Day 309 – Empty movement

Empty movementimg_1079

Concise word-vector to explore today. Nothing serious, yet each word is what it is.

Empty, to ensure nothing moves me, but I am me, no thought separates, no negative emotion burns, no positive feeling elevates, but total inner transparency down to the inner core of my very being to directly present self here.

Movement, to express, to share, to live, to direct, to explore, to expand and experience.
So many exerted extrovert word examples to explain.

The more I find emptiness within, the less I need to find motivation to move. Embracing self here is already movement, thus the physical expression is no separation from me here.

I used to believe that I need to find, have, implant, maintain and fuel motivation in order to properly ensure moving myself. To not to run out of mind-fuel and float in an empty limbo so to speak. But at the same time when I want, when it’s too much, being able to become empty too. Totally. This is basically the war of consciousness within. Total conflict. Constant friction. Existing as refracted, distracted, distanced and separated from all parts of self without unification. So – it was quite a long run, but finally understanding why I have to stop, how I stop.

The recognition here is if I am in any way whatsoever allow my mind to separate me from the motivation I use to move me, my movement is conditional, my expression, my direction is compromised, limited, finite and actually not being united with it, with the subject of my motivation, with the goal of my motivation – it’s like a consistent puzzle game.

What do I mean my mind to separate me from motivation? With my mind I can split the world, subject-object, from participant I become observer, a judgement can born and thus polarity too, according to my interest.
I am motivated to go to work to the office by the salary. Would I still go there if I would get that money free? Probably not. Am I owned by that motivation? Do I need that money? Is that still a decision I make every day that I should continue to go in for that money? Yes. Am I compromised? Yes, in a way – but other way I can also see how I am liberated from worry of survival, granted access to certain things in the human system, such as travel and communication, creativity and sharing, expansion and change. Is that motivation with polarity? No. I am literally that motivation, thus it’s not an effort anymore. I do not need to reinforce it, I become it. This obviously can be problem too, if I become a pattern I am not aware of, when the decision have been made for me, by my past, my fear, my desires; then I am owned by my self-accepted imperfection within due to self-separation through my mind-participation.

Just like when I committed myself to stop drinking alcohol, to constantly say no – and later on joined with all drugs as well – it was an effort – I was motivated, now it’s effortless – I am one and equal with the motivation to be committed to stay sober. For ever? Not saying never, but within self-honest and common sense – it’s still obviously supportive to say no. In the beginning I had some sort of temptation. No doubt, I had.
Sometimes I still encounter a good weed, hey, I even sometimes hold it, smell it, smells good – I can say that too – but to get high with it – I don’t feel so. Not at all. That’s clear. It’s beyond proof. I trust myself in this and I stand unwavering, firm, no matter what.
If I would be facing cancer, extreme pain and it might support me, sure I’d seriously consider it, but until that: it’s clear – I do not take it. I do not need motivation to not take it. I become that motivation with investigation, self-honesty, decision and living application.

Well, it’s just an example, how and what I mean to be motivation, not be motivated by this and that. Through the mind. The moiiinnnd. Self-separation, big time, if I need to have an inner court, a judge in my head to decide what to do. To plead or abstain participation within any polarity of good or bad, up or down, in or out – any direction.

That’s computer stuff, algorithm, program code, logic, even when someone is being overwhelmingly emotional, that’s still logic – the mind’s logic: I have these proofs of why I should feel and do this way – and my proof is my emotion experience. RIGHT NOW!

See – still a machine. Humans so happily separate themselves from robots with the emotional reasoning – ‘but we have emotions, so we are much more, superior, humans‘ – ridiculous. Give me a handful of talented programmers and I could create human-like emotion system, so intricate, multi-dimensional, rich and vivid as any human can experience or describe. Just no need. It’s obvious. Emotions are the proof that we have allowed our mind consciousness system to run amok within and among ourselves and thus we have lost direction, control and responsibility, thus the sense of actual awareness. Not self-awareness, but LIFE-awareness!

Which entails not only self-interest, but life-in-the-rest. Simple stuff. No argument required, no excuse can be applied, but if still so – with proper deduction, decomposition with practical common sense and self-honesty any complex mind-ego-consciousness system can be transcended. With support. Not alone. Alone we are lonely, vulnerable to our own already accepted and manifested self-dishonesty. Cross-referencing with facts is suggested with others committed to walk through the valley of the shadow of self-delusions with self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-commitment to change.

Why I write this? I used to have the goal to find emptiness. I am certain that this is now ending. Emptiness is no more goal or a state I am looking forward to, but this is where I find myself re-creating from within, because I am change. I am motivation, I am direction, I am movement. Even with the mind, I embrace that serpent, I acknowledge my weaknesses, although I do not define myself along the path I walk through, I do not motivate myself with desire or fear and I certainly not find peace within emptiness anymore.

What is peace but another word to be decomposed and re-defined to ensure nothing I allow to move me from my self-accepted refractions of the past, present and future.

As I stop typing, I feel the tea in my body, my heart is throbbing, through my chest, my arms, my palms, my fingers feeling the rhythmical pressure, my bones in my spine as I sit, the various sounds I hear around, the sound my half-full nose makes as taking breath, my belly raising as air goes into my lung. Behind me, the stove is going cold and as it does, clicks often, always similarly, yet never the same way. Well – this presence can be recognized, yet not to be preoccupied with – balancing with inner presence, awareness, where my words come from, am I aware of what and why I do in this moment? And in this one? What is the direction I accumulate towards in manifesting consequences with this expression, with this word, and then this one, or this next. This is interesting play, words become me and I become words. Nothing less and nothing more.
That’s why it’s relevant to see if any word I express, experience: re-present – is not pointing to the past, with polarity, with separation, relationship with thoughts, feelings, emotions. Because if I do, I am only able to express, experience and one with that word through the mind, with the very act of self-separation I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be defined with.

So when I mention empty – it does not mean I am empty, like a bucket, no, I am full of life, but my mind is empty of polarity, empty of reactive thought-chain, empty of wet, echoing emotions and empty of energetic high-frequency-generating feelings; yet I understand, I embrace, I know what and why I am and do. Equal and one as who I am within the starting point of life. Including all life, no separation, which is not peace and happiness and love, neither ruthless efficiency and logic. Beyond polarity, beyond reason, but a living recognition of what it means to really live in and as the physical, not separated, not limited, but unified as awareness.

And if not – better to re-align, decompose, forgive and stop to change, to re-define, to live, because if not, then my manifested consequences will be the directive principle I am becoming equal and one to face the very points I not yet became aware of – indirectly first, well, sometimes even directly into my face. It’s my choice. Well – is it really a choice?

You decide.

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Day 308 – Child’s brick wall mind model

img_6111Talking about the ‘model’ of brick wall mind of a child and how comes that most of the innocent, clever and awesome kids when they grow up ending up having all kinds of mental and emotional scars and problems to have anxiety, doubt, addiction, depression, fears, etc and thus compromising their self-trust, ability and natural expression of enjoyment and exploration of life.

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Learn living to our utmost potentials by re-defining and living words:

Day 307 – Anxiety/excitement separation

img_9036An interesting point opened up – I was about to go to a place with someone and I had this experience of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was not even certain if it’s positive or negative, I guess it was neither and both at the same time. However it was not direct and directed by me, and I could not really just say stop, so started to look at what’s this
A 2 minute video about the experience:

When I experience and live through my mind, it’s a separation, not I am directing, not I am creating, not I am actually experiencing directly, but I deal with everything through my mind’s ‘interface’.

It’s a typical system within the mind – my mind: certainly – two parts of the opposite polarities, conflicting about it within, making me look inside, not the actual cause, but the consequence, the reactions, the experience.

So as I am excited with anticipation and anxious with worry at the same time and I am still drained towards the event/experience – and by actually doing so, realizing that it’s not about the place, not about the person I go with, but with my own mind-setup and reactions being triggered.

Even pretending to not being aware what I am doing – certainly yes – denying, procrastinating, distracting – to say no at a situation and to say yes in another – while even having the slightest doubt – resulting with emerging emotions and feelings rendering me actual dumb, in the sense of all self-trust, confidence and integrity I can ruin in a second – within me – in relation to myself – and from that point I am exposed to all of my still unresolved self-dishonesty. Secret desire – which I did not even admit to myself yet? Denied resistance, what I should take responsibility for to embrace?

Important to realize that within the path to absolute self-honesty – any mistake might seem as absolute self-dishonesty – so it’s to discipline, re-align and not to judge myself.

But if I rely to not push to my utmost potentials, just because ‘I will not judge myself’ – that’s again undermining self-trust and self-direction – resulting to wallow into more self-dishonesty deliberately, until I will stand up.

So it’s not just to realize that I am one with this experience, or I am equal with it – but if I am not one and equal with and as ‘it’, which means being aware of if to it’s utmost specificity, being able to direct it as myself – then that means I am not one and equal with it, thus existing within self-separation. That’s then another starting point and perspective to start investigate from.

My current point of anxiety/excitement originates from secret desires and resistances not being honest to myself about and then both being triggered, I am creating this friction within, which, even if it’s not cool experience, I don’t stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have a tendency to create friction within my mind by reacting to different things with different polarity extremes, like being excited and anxious about it at the same time and not realizing that desire and resistance I face at the same time and thus accepting to remain within self-separation, conflict without being able to remain directive, inner silent and to apply practical common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my excitement is also a form of fear, anxiety, as based on judgments, imagination, desire, definitions, polarity and energetic experiences, and within that form of expression, I am not trusting myself to directly face, experience, live and be in this event, situation, but to create anticipation and preconditioning in my mind and then with that already create an experience, strong enough to be influenced by, stimulated with, even when the actual event/situation/experience is here, thus actually living in the past, not allowing myself to fully embrace the moment – due to a lack of self-trust, which I do not want to admit, face, forgive and stop for a reason I am also not admitting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am not aware of the self-dishonesty, distracting, conflicting mind-experiences, points I face, and within that trying to prove to myself why I am not powerful, responsible, capable, actually: willing to be able to stop and change and within that not realizing that try – actually exposing myself that it’s self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever anxiety and excitement kicks in – I am being moved by my past, my judgments, and if I do not become aware fully of all of it’s(my) patterns, I will participate again, thus re-creating the past, stop changing, expanding, living.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense of whenever I experience excitement to the degree of overwhelming me, or an anxiety, which also overwhelms me, or I can’t just stop, even if it should be practical – so that means if I can’t stop, when I want to – that means I have a problem, a conflict, a point to open up, understand, forgive and become aware of how to really stop it and give myself a chance to face and live experiences/events/situations without any emotion/feeling but to live the words.

Not to focus or seek the experience of joy, but to express and live, share and be the word enjoyment.

Quite a difference.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I have the experience of excitement AND anxiety at the same time, I have conflict within me which I do not understand, or never really looked to fully understand, and thus it’s influencing me the way which is not supporting me to be present, directive, to live words without positive or negative connotations.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I am excited to the point of overwhelming and when seeing within me that there is subject and object, it means am not directly living the word excitement, but through my mind, based on polarity, definitions, separation, thus it’s not the possibly fullest potential of me.

I forgive myself that I have not understood why it’s my fullest potential to experience, live and be without my mind’s definitions, reactions, polarity and believing that emotions and feelings are key to feel, and express myself, meanwhile those are actually limited consequences of my self-defined mind-experiences, based on another experiences I had before.

When and as I experience overwhelming excitement and/or anxiety – I slow down – I breathe, I let everything go and to see if I can stop it, as myself, as equal as one – breathe in, stop, breathe out – continue stopping, not going anywhere in my mind, but be present, stopping, being here.

When and as I can’t stop an anxiety/excitement within myself, I start to apply self-forgiveness written/and-or aloud, to find out what’s I am still separated from within my current awareness, which thus I cannot embrace, become equal and one to be able to stop – and within that finding, also understanding why it happened, how.

When and as I experience resistance/denial/excuse why not to explore to the utmost specificity an anxiety, an excitement, I realize that it’s fear – which as I give into will grow, while my self-trust reduces, thus I have to make a stand and push through the resistance – and if it’s not doable, then focus to the resistance itself, word it, work with it, until it’s walkable through, then continue to work with the excitement/anxiety.

Stopping the mind is not a new thing – this concept exists quite some time – eastern and western cultures, education, documents, scriptures often mention it, but it should not be tainted with anything of belief.
It should be practical common sense, no magic, no rituals, no belief whatsoever.

The human mind consciousness is not magic and it seems to be beyond human comprehension, it’s because of self-dishonesty. That should be re-mediated first and then the door will be open real understanding without being biased with our own personal agenda and past.

Day 308 – Rebuilding self

img_1001Rebuilding Self

I remember, when I was talking with Bernard, he told me that once I decompose my mind and personality, I will be able to re-create, rebuild a completely new me, according to who I want to be and become.

That seemed strange in that time, about 6-7 years ago, but already saw some potential in that.

I was at a 2 days body art – body time – self-supporting – awareness workshop weekend training and with some friends and about a dozen of new people and we had all kinds of various plays, situations, within many, we stood, walked and moved really close to each other and it was like a flock of birds. I had no thoughts or emotions, I was part of the flock, in a way I was the flock, but still had my individual presence within it. It was interesting experience. I had no fear of losing myself, neither of desire to be more.

I am reflecting back to my ‘old self’, who I was before started to decompose my mind-patterns I constitute of. That old Tala could have felt awkward, a bit anxious and uncertain, because my mind would have been overwhelmed by comparisons, judgments, definitions, associations, reactions.

Also, there were situations wherein my eyes were blindfolded and I could walk in the room and explore, meet and interact with others without words – just movement. Whenever I realized that I touch an other man’s hand – I did not feel awkward or confused, not, because I would define myself to be attracted to men, not really – but within that situation, which was completely not about sex, it was okay to just communicate with a touch – like blind and silent people probably would do. This brought up a lot of other senses, like smelling, space-awareness, gravity, body balance, and the touch itself.
I also encountered with women and in fact regardless of I could decide if the person is a woman or not, I was able to interact with no expectation or judgement. If the person decided to move along, it was alright, also if I wanted to walk away, there were no strings attached, meaning no confusion or stopping to wonder why this happened.

Who I am today is completely comfortable among strangers – regardless of how they look like or what status they are within – okay, probably if they would be threatening, I’d be in another state, but until that – and even then – I should just be normal me, comfortable and stable, open and present. This is the new self I am building, and while some of my friends do build their body literally with lifting heavy metals and consuming extra protein towards their desirable image and likeness, I am building a self first by decomposing the old one from the mind consciousness level and then figuring out what kind of re-definition of words, expressions I want to become. Even slight movements, such as how to grab a fork or make a step I often find myself slowing down within into and become aware of the very specific and detailed physical movement I take and in that moment I can try out new movements as well.
For instance since at least a decade I concluded that I’ve found a way how I am toweling my back and feet the most effective way and I used to do like that every day – well, I guess I never really cared about this, just get it done and move along to my next activity. This is just a tiny example, but even within this I can just start doing slightly differently while being empty within my mind – nothing to think about, worry about, plan for, remember back, so then I find myself being here, just toweling myself dry. Weird. Not really, but maybe a little.
It’s like when I see humanoid slave robots are gaining consciousness within various movies/TV series – all of a sudden they just stop within their movement and start wondering about what’s I am doing, well, how this feels and how I’d really like it differently.

I used to be suppressive and closing down type, and today I often approach complete strangers at public places, just to communicate, share, by a motivation, or pure curiosity – and more and more realizing that feeling awkward was of fear of judgement, fear of failure, which is again comparison, judgement.
The more judgement systems I decompose, stop participate within, the more I am present, free from these automatic patterns and beyond that there is actual freedom to explore, decide, re-create.

The human mind consciousness system has been setup in a specific way that even those apparently irrelevant personality traits are connected to deeper patterns, more subtle, sub- or unconscious mind manifestations, what first one has to open up, dig out, unveil, expose, decompose to be able to loosen up these patterns.

Forgiving myself for a self-limitation for instance and what I have accepted and allowed to became is literally stating out that I recognize my responsibility, ability and decision within creation, as creator and created as one and equal and going into specific understanding of a pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatize movements I do every day what I believed to be irrelevant, wanting those to do the most efficient way I can and get over with it while not really being aware of the physical movement itself, the touch, the feel, thus giving my mind the opportunity to focus to something else, a thought, a feeling, an emotion, a memory, a reaction, and although it seems like this is an advantage – actually I am not honestly and presently expressing myself in this moment, well, every day doing it, never being present in this movement as limited this to be always about efficiency and getting it done.

Not saying that toweling my feet should be the greatest awareness point in the universe, just recognizing the tendency to get distracted in that moment and within my mind jumping forward, imagining, thinking about something else, about the future, what I am going to do, feel, whatever.

To be present in the self-defined ‘mundane’ moments is absolutely not waste of time, but an equal opportunity with all of my other situations and actions to solidify, direct and live my presence here.

I’d suggest to do the challenge and try to take a shower without thinking about something/anything else. Be present, be the showering, not to go to future, or to past – can you do that?

I still can’t from start to end, for ten minutes – within absolute self-honesty – but working on it every day.

Also – if you would decide to try it – and you cannot – what this tells about you? Actually a lot!

First of all – you are not really in direction, but your mind deals the cards a lot of time to you and you just play with those – something comes into your mind, you react, then go there, and then here, and then another thing pops in, jack in the box jumps another story, it’s like a mini-movie going around, while you do shower, wash the body, then toweling, etc.
Of course you can feel stuff, to some extent ‘data’ feeds into your mind…

Secondly – the very points popping up can be also specific – the very points you might face worry, fear about, or desire to, excitement about – energy. Positive or negative – it’s all in a waving balance actually.

Many people LOVE thinking – to think about stuff, to stimulate, to combine, to evolve memories, data – I do not really like it anymore. It feels superficial, limited, confining. All memory-based anyway. Nothing really-really new actually. Sure, it’s variation, permutation of previous thoughts and reactions, emotions, feelings also can change, evolve due time, but in those thinking moments I am lacking full body presence awareness. That’s right. No being one with breath, no being ONE with physical, mental – it’s rather like a software running, electrifying through my brain, my spine, my limbs. Many can define that also as awesome, stimulating, like a rush, a sense of light, quick movement, feeling alive. It’s energy. Like sugar or alcohol. Basically the same. Again – separation – electricity, positive and negative. Polarizing, not unifying.

Well, this is just an approach to start discovering new ways to exist – body awareness workshops are awesome, safe places and groups to explore what is beyond the thinking mind and how awareness actually can only be experienced and expressed through and as our body presence.

And a lot of people face resistances, difficulties, blockades during these body work situations, also revealing how the mind can limit pure physical self-expression. Then the process to walk through those patterns is common sense. That is where decomposition, re-definition, re-building self also becomes relevant.

If I would have a choice, why would I want to be embarrassed by cultural imprinting while living? Why would I feel awkward, confusing while being in the presence of strangers? What programs I’ve given permission to my mind to take over and while I’d repeat the thought-feeling pattern to go my virtual happy place, while my body just does it’s job, like a robot? What movements, expressions within my living I do not like and why? Can or should I change any or all of those? Can I? Why can’t I? Why should I accept myself not being able to directly assess and change any of my behavior, especially, if something is not supporting me or others?

Re-building self is inevitable in the path of awareness, I mean who is perfect already who does not want to change anything within themselves? And even if so – is that really-really the best possible potential? How can we be so sure if we did not even try anything else to be as who we perceive ourselves to be since decades?

I stop with these questions and encourage everyone to also start writing and asking questions and giving answers too and start expanding, sharing and if seems fitting, also start changing. Enjoy!