Day 283 – Consciousness is less than we think

fraToday I reflect to this article I bookmarked quite some time before:

Consciousness has less control than believed, according to new theory

“Why do you have an urge or thought that you shouldn’t be having? Because, in a sense, the consciousness system doesn’t know that you shouldn’t be thinking about something,” Morsella said. “An urge generator doesn’t know that an urge is irrelevant to other thoughts or ongoing action.”

We say this since quite some years now – consciousness is a consequence of the separation from SELF as physical body presence through polarity, judgement and imaginary fear of loss – thus that’s the real limitation, that should be transcended by investigating our own relationships with the words we react to, we express…it’s common sense actually: how we would try to transcend what is constantly here as substance when we are even unable to understand and stop being limited by our own thoughts, feelings, images and waving emotions and to fully experience and express ourselves through and AS our human body, which is way more aware than our perception through the mind consciousness.
Even mind-blowing drug experiences cannot be trusted as only showing the system and it’s borders, not actual, real power of Self, which is Physical Living Words, what cannot be induced by anything else but decision, understanding, direction and expression as Self. So much to learn and unlearn…

Nothing is what it seems and this is specific to each individual equally – the more tempting to let go of something within your mind, life, which is not common sense, then it’s really great chance that you are conned by your own consciousness system in your mind, that’s a mechanism, not real self, not real at all, but superimposed, organic computer stuff, which sometimes can be handy, and also can be really-really deceitful, totally consumed by self-interest and also highly illogical, inefficient and really destructive if we follow it’s patterns blindly without stopping for a breath and considering what I am actually doing right now…

And this can be quite tricky, because the trend is to getting afraid of possible scenarios of Artificial Intelligence would take over or becoming more smart, do a quantum leap, a singularity, which actually nothing else, but our own mind consciousness system trying to evolve by actually fixing it’s limitations – totally externally, totally separated from self, from the physical, from human body, which might be the end of our path. Who knows? What I’ve found is that we can fix our own mind consciousness with Self-honesty, Self-correction, Responsibility, investigating, re-defining and changing our own relationships with our building blocks of life: words.

The more I am present, empty in my mind and whole, direct and physical so to speak, the more I can embrace, understand and see, feel and experience without the inner mind polarity-based interpretation, self-limitation of self-interest, fear and judgements.

This ‘knowledge’ is quite known since many-many years, yet really-really few people can really understand what it actually means to live like that and how to transform the current ‘human’ into this more direct, self-honest and actually life-aware beingness.

The scriptures, spiritual, religious books are full of contradictions, ignorance, darkness and even nastiness, and when about of actual, down to earth, practical methods, daily applications, they all rely on some belief, energetic accumulation or disregarding some aspects of the full spectrum of human existence.

I’d say, instead of exclusion, investigate all things and keep which is good, what is best for all participant, and that is not really difficult, only have to see the common denominator, what we all require to be supported on the physical level – food, shelter, water, education, health care, real connection, share and care. Which starts with what we have already here: ourselves, thus I start to care about my mind-consciousness – body relationship, my delusions, my fears, my limitations and understand them as who I am currently.
By becoming aware of what I have accepted to manifest as who I am today I acknowledge, but do not stop there, do not define as who I am, because I also see the potential of who I could be without fear, without self-interest, without the mesmerizing hypnotic trance of my thoughts and I decompose the patterns, I give a new chance for myself and thus I stop these patterns and explore what is beyond the consciousness system.

I’ve studied computer science, basically all my life working with programmed and programmable machines and also studied some fuzzy logic – which is word-rule-based system, what is used in machines already and that is also how a human mind is operating.
We keep saying that emotions are so damn valuable and the trademark of our ‘specialness’, which differentiates us from every animal, plant and machines, but if I really look at these also word-based, mostly systematic manifestations within the human mind consciousness – it’s not impossible to program such things, even by humans – it’s just a whole lot more complex and multidimensional system with much more data we ever dealt before in science. But look at the news, we are getting ‘there’ as already mentioned AI(Artificial Intelligence).
As time passes, the less will be needed for skills what we currently think as valuable today – machines take over factory, production, soon driving, transportation, farming, even applying law – the whole stock market is already running under A.I. control, and now military is joining, education, health care.
We are in the process of externalizing all aspects of human the mind consciousness system and then soon – apparently – nothing will remain as -sacred human value- what cannot be programmed into technology – maybe to just prove this very point that we are none of our dearly held values we imagine as who we think we are.

I am not against technology, hell no, but real awareness, actual care for LIFE – can be found if we, as organic human body beings start trusting to become with physical substance directly, without consciousness, without thoughts, not separated by words and reactions, but unified, become equal with the words we think, we say and express.

That is quite doable, I am part of this group, called Desteni, whereat individuals are understanding consciousness, it’s limitations, it’s programmability, it’s ‘place within our life’ and what is beyond that and how to learn and change our so-called ‘unchangeable’ human nature, which at the moment seems to be self-destructive.
The very fact that there are rarely human individuals who really care and consider the fact that our living environment we are destroying is a proof that they are identified and placed themselves within and as the consciousness, not here in and as Earth.
It’s not a judgement, but those who do not take responsibility for all what is happening on this planet, in this human-ruled system – are still in the self-limited hypnotic trance of consciousness systems and it’s not a game, each and every single human being is equally manifesting irreversible consequences in every second, thus it’s common sense to take responsibility also for those who are still trapped in the ‘won’t or can’t‘.

There is an online –free– course which can support with taking the first steps of understanding consciousness and to realize there is so much more beyond it…

So…investigate, be self-honest and blow your mind one breath- and step – at a time. Enjoy!

Day 282 – Courage about ‘NO’

dsc_0747I continue with Courage

Preparing to practical change at situations I’ve already realized that I can have tendency to not LIVE COURAGE within self-honesty. Specificity supports self-honesty and awareness, thus this time writing about hearing or saying ‘NO’.

When and as I feel the pressure within to speak up about something to someone yet not doing it and actually not knowing exactly why not to do it – I acknowledge that I suppress myself and I judge without knowing it, therefore I slow down within, take a breath and check if I can see the actual reason, why not speaking up.

When and as I see that all of a sudden in a situation, apparently ‘not wanting’ to speak up, but I suppose to, I planned to, I should, I acknowledge that I suppress, based on judgement and a specific fear – thus I realize that the reason WHY I do not do it is the point of suppression, for what I commit myself to LIVE COURAGE to express myself and within that decision I stand and breathe in and find the best moment to share myself and trust myself.

When and as I worry about what the other/others would react to what I am going to say, I check – what I am going to say is of practical common sense, supporting for all participants, including me and if yes, then I realize, I fear losing something existing in my mind – and even if it would exist in the other’s mind – that’s their point to face within self-honesty, and mine is to disregard my own belief/delusion, thus I LIVE COURAGE and express myself by focusing to my expression to do it the best way possible within self-trust.

When and as I would think that I should have done something but I did not, I realize that I am judging myself for what I have or have not done in the past, which I cannot change, but I can commit and decide myself to do next time differently and also to consider to prevent judging myself, I should do it if it’s common sense to do so.

When and as I focus to energetic reactions to judging what I imagine as of what I should have done and it’s consequence if I could have done it, I stop as realizing that I stimulate myself with energetic reactions instead of focusing to the COURAGE to commit myself to LIVE when the opportunity comes next time to do what I suppressed to do previously and also to name, word the actual reason I did not do it and by that supporting to prevent myself to make the same mistake again.

When and as I worry to ask something from somebody because of fearing of what if the other would say no and within that I would fear that I should define and judge myself based on that ‘no’, therefore not even trying and thus trying to avoid making ‘mistake’ but by that not even giving the chance to ‘hear’ a yes, basically sabotaging myself, therefore once I see the resistance to ask the person the question I fear of hearing of a ‘no’ – I realize that if I do not ask, I will judge myself not even trying, therefore I decide and commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask the question I fear hearing a no of.

When and as I fear hearing a ‘NO’ from someone who I would ask something of, I name the game and word the subject of fear – what is the point I mostly fear about that ‘no’, where my imagination goes in this self-sabotaging pattern..

This is interesting – Self-forgiveness on fearing ‘NO’ when asking:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the extent of being consumed of self-interest within fearing of hearing a ‘NO’ when asking something from someone and within that only considering myself, my goal, desire, want of that person and actually not respecting the other equally as myself within if he/she said ‘NO’, then that’s their point, decision, stance and if I still feel bad/wrong/hurt/disappointed/frustrated about it, then I only care about my want/need/desire, thus I have to evaluate my starting point within this self-consumed want, which through I can automatically get off-balance by the reaction of even imagining not ‘getting what I want’.

When and as I ask something of somebody and considering the option of hearing a ‘no’, I realize that it’s part of ‘asking’ to hear a no, and it does not mean that is final and ultimate, however it’s the other person’s stance within this, which should be considered and also to see if there is possibility/place/option to re-evaluate my starting point within this ‘asking’ and also to see if I could further communicate, express, explain myself to use reasoning by seeing if there is something maybe the other person does not know or should know about this point to maybe reconsider her/his answer – and meanwhile to stay here, present, direct without fear/judgement and emotional reaction to ensure not compromising my utmost potential to express myself within self-honesty.

When and as I communicate within someone and being asked of something which I consider saying NO to it, I realize the tendency to avoid saying ‘NO’, based on my own tendency to what I could feel when hearing a ‘NO’, and based on that saying ‘YES’, only to use this superimposed ‘compassion’, which actually is of self-interest projected out – therefore I drop this game and re-check within self-honesty and practical common sense – what should be my answer and then LIVE THE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ if that’s what I should say.

When and as I see that there is an interest behind not saying ‘NO’ to someone when being asked as by this trying to appear as ‘a good guy’ or by considering a hidden agenda/desire regarding to this person (for instance being attracted to a woman who asks me something really difficult/time-consuming but at this moment it’s really compromising, maybe even in relation to somebody else, who I ‘forget to consider’ by the imagination of ‘being good’ with the person I am attracted to), then in the tension appearing in my mind in this moment, wanting to say ‘YES’, then I should stop, re-align with a breath here and to ‘come clean’ and to communicate and express myself and remain within integrity according to what I would sabotage in order to cling onto this energetic ‘hope’ I feel in this moment by judgement and in this scenario I LIVE COURAGE to say ‘NO’ when it’s the common sense I should say.

When and as I worry of what people would think of me if I would say ‘NO’ to things I do not want to do – I check why not wanting to and if it’s self-honest, I LIVE COURAGE to say no and trust myself and to realize that if I try to live according to what others would think, I would not really be myself, and also it’s starting point is actually fear, doubt, which I commit myself to prevent accumulating within myself.

I commit myself to say ‘NO’ when it’s what I want without energetic/emotional pressure within and I commit myself to LIVE the COURAGE to ask even if a ‘NO’ I would get not be the best I could imagine and also to realize that it’s not always should be ‘the end of story’ if someone says ‘NO’ in the moment, unless it’s that direct and ‘ultimate’ and obvious ‘NO’, then I embrace it as fact and move on.

I commit myself to stop imagining and reacting emotionally to hearing ‘NO’ about a question I am considering to ask from somebody, but rather stick to practical common sense and to realize that it means to remain present, directive and if possible or required, to communicate further or move on actually.

To support self within awareness and learn to change: free online course

Supporting video interviews about understanding SELF:


Day 281 – VLOG: Process update/share

talaprocessupdate-2016-08-31Sharing some points I’ve been walking within self-realization recently and also talking about practical common sense in regarding to real self-change within understanding.

Unleash Self with understanding and transcending self-limitation.
Be response-able and be LIFE.
Do not accept fear or not understanding what’s going on.
Investigate SELF, the World and Existence.





Day 280 – Physical symptoms of fear

IMG_9079Continuing with Suppression-Courage points.

This time bringing the physical reactions of anxiety, worry, fear, because many times when facing suppression/fear/courage points, these could be signs/symptoms to be aware of and stop participating as practical awareness support for change.

Well, this might sound weird, but this topic is quite new to me, to explore, trying to word and express these experiences within and as myself, which by itself exactly reinforces me to keep doing it, because how can be that I know so little about what is happening within and as myself, especially of this particular topic, which can influence the whole existence of me?

There are points, things, activities, situations, wherein I can notice this physical and mental, in fact emotional pressure within myself according to resistances and probably not fully realized memory, comparison, judgement, fear and energetic reactions.

It’s kind of thrilling or jittering experience, still observing the actual physical reactions. Isn’t it fascinating that I am not much aware of the human physical body reactions, because I am so much positioned, located and experienced within the mind and it’s kind of ‘interdimensional’ virtual space and time.

There is a type of anxiety, fear which can manifest slight sweating, wet palms, my skin literally feels a bit electric and charged sometimes.

Also there is another kind of physical symptom, which is the breath-suppression, chest pressure, it feels like a weight is pushing me down.

Sometimes energy charges, thunders flutter from my stomach/solar plexus area and prickling through the trunk, spine, my back and sometimes through the neck to the head as well. Sometimes also towards my limbs too.

Another symptom I presume is when I hold my hand/fist into a grip, even when it’s unnecessary – probably I am holding onto of feeling pushed/resisting towards something within my mind in those moments without actually realizing it.

These could be grouped as ‘positive’ signs, and I do name some of the ‘negative’ signs and here I mean that when the positive signs are present, there is some self-dishonest/self-limitation/self-sabotage pattern is being played out, participated within, and the ‘negative’ signs are when I am not aware of these experiences, sensations, physical feelings, indicating that I am not present, but ‘tripping into the mind’.

When I am not aware of the physical breath, the actual state, phase of in-hold-out-hold actions
When I am not active physically or even stopping for a moment and if I am not aware of the blood pressure in my palms, the slight or raised throbbing of my heart
When I am not aware of the gravity, the physical laws creating pressure/resistance against my physical body, for instance when sitting, feeling the pressure on my bottoms, my feet, or when walking, feeling the weight I move with muscles, the pressure on the soil with my sole, etc

When I am not hearing ANY sounds around me – it’s really-really rare to not be any sound/noise present, and also the sound my breath does. It actually does quite a sound, which sometimes can be felt like my mind is auto-filtering it out.
There were also times when I was able to get actually annoyed with the sound of my breathing, when I started to ‘come out’ from the mind for the first time and I realized that this is also similar to that my nose is always within my vision, even if I got used to it so much. In fact it’s pretty interesting design if we think about it, why it had to be in the actual sight? Not that it really matters today here, just wondering…

For a little more than half a year I went to a BodyTime workshop, which is about presence, awareness, direct expression and even with the fact that in my life I often did intense physical activities, such as sports, juggling, dancing, physical work – only realizing how less I am actually aware of this human physical body as who I am actually.

The spiritual agenda is to not identify and superimpose somewhat inferiority to the body in relation to the mind consciousness system – because it’s a systematic representation and manifestation of myself – however if I really look at it with practical common sense, the body is the source of the mind energy, the body is being utilized to generate and store patterns, reactions, even memories, and the mind is somewhat like a software and in fact neither is superior, however it’s a real problem when the mind is the starting point and gains control by a perception of it’s superiority, meanwhile in fact I am existing and manifesting self-separation on levels I am not even aware of.

It’s really worthy for investigation, exploration of what is the mind and what thoughts actually indicate, the words and their actual relationships, and also the very nature of these experiences of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

What words, sentences, memories, experiences, interpretations, perceptions do trigger anxiety, resistance, fear and why?

I do not mean to be mean to spiritual people but no matter what apparent mystical or non-mystical method they do, eventually this is where the real problem and thus the solution can be revealed: my version of reality and how and why I am stuck within it? This is crucial to understand and prepare for stopping it by identifying the trigger and source points of such reactions, many times also being indicated by those physical experiences I started to word down, identify and thus be more aware of.

This is why I prepare and dig deeper for further understanding with Self-forgiveness about this.

But before that, I support myself with the related EQAFE audio-book amazing library. This site is crucial to understand how the mind, the physical, the nature of existence and actual details of creation works. Sounds like I am inflating, but actually not. It is highly recommended to listen interviews, there are MANY for free and the ones for price are for the living costs for those who are dedicated to constantly creating and uploading more supportive content each week.
For the price of a beer one can get support on desire, phobia, business, suppression, anger, doubt and so much more.

Here I reference some related interviews about Suppression, physical reactions:
Denial: Courage to Change
Denial: Denial to Self Honesty
Denial: Courage & Self Honesty

The Emotional and Feeling Body System and Physical Energy-Alignments

I am grateful for EQAFE and the creators of it as contains so much practical knowledge and understanding about life, the mind and many more!

Day 279 – Finding Courage in Change

cour1Continuing on the Self-suppression investigation-correction.

Directly bringing into the perspective the word and it’s associations: courage.

It’s courage to break through the limitation, the web of self-conviction, halo of justifications and excuses about why I should not move, express and live in regarding to the specific situation I programmed myself to suppress.

It’s courage to find out and explore what is self-honest and how to express it through and as saying and expressing, becoming and living words.

It’s courage to re-define the relationships which through I find meaning and purpose, reason and drive, logic and passion, determination and stance, motivation and direction.

It’s courage to break through the fear of making mistakes, fear of loss, fear of consequence, fear of fear itself, shortly: fear of self. Especially the unknown, which is the most scariest, because I do not know what I am going to do, feel, become, thus rendering any and all knowledge useless and directly experience who I really am in and as here without way out, no past to rely to, no future to project into, but really real, in and as the physical presence, consistently, always, unconditionally.

This is not something I desire for or want to be special with, not even I need to choose, it’s what’s practical common sense to re-align and re-birth with the physical application of the courage to take responsibility for all what is here in and as myself without self-definition, without self-limitation, no polarity.
In terms of the previous posts of suppression and conflict avoidance, the courage I commit myself to live is to not fear from testing out and expressing my speaking up towards others the things I justified not to tell;

I commit myself to not worry from losing someone or something and based on that not to tell when I see it’s the most honest and direct way to establish integrity and self-honesty within myself in regarding to someone, who I defined as one who I should not tell what I feel/see/think and within that to realize that I do not need to suppress feelings or emotions, rather than to see what is the reason, the source, the fear, the self-defined separation/polarity self-definition within and behind it and by that to let go and forgive that I have allowed and accepted this to define what to do and not to do, who I should feel and to be in order to avoid to experience that fear which I also defined that it could change me if could not stop and to realize that I lose much more if I give into this fear than when letting it go, because I am always the strongest at my weakest point, herein this condition, this mind-state, this relationship I am enslaved by in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to purify and let go definitions of what I should do or should not do according to any worry or fear of consequence, losing something or somebody, especially to lose something in my mind as relationship based on the self-interest applied as not speaking up in order to avoid conflict, avoid being opposed, avoid challenged to make my stance within my decision and within that the opportunity to being wrong and then needing to admit and correct it accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to always ensure that I stand firm in relation to my mind, my personal feelings, emotions and desires, resistances and fears and reminding myself that accumulation what brought me here, and whatever is limiting, frustrating also can and should be decomposed with further writing, opening up, self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and action.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense to purify the word COURAGE to let go polarity and self-interest-based definitions, associations, emotional and feeling reactions in order to be able to see my relationship with this word and to be able to re-define it according to self-honesty and the principle of what is best for all participants here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it’s easy to go into the mind to overwhelm it by start thinking about the term ‘what is best for all’ and within that to come up and accept justifications and excuses why not change myself to be able to act according to that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being occupied and narrowminded with the obsession of ‘wanting to have and prove and create’ courage – I am limiting myself because I only see what I want to see and the strive to live the word by a definition which is not self-honest, because it relies to external conditions, such as ‘to create/have/prove courage, I should and must do this and that’ – instead of directly live the word courage in each moment in relation to myself and existence here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined the word courage as something heroic, extraordinary, which requires huge amount of effort and sacrifice, diligence and discipline, which I do never have for too long, therefore allowed to twist the definition of courage based on memories, personality definitions and conditions, energetic experiences, which are in fact not really supporting me in any moment and thus it’s not real courage, only self-created delusion, thus I stop participate and let it go completely.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the courage is to live within self honesty in each moment equally, regardless of any internal or external condition and not to accept anything less that who I can be within absolute self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not seen/realized/understood that to go energetic experiences, obsessions, desires wherein I am limiting my interest to the things I want or resist is the opposite of courage, but an escape into self-delusion, thus I commit myself to stop chasing experiences and be honest of my actual and common sensical needs in order to live and expand within self-growth and awareness, responsibility.

What points I take responsibility by stopping suppression and starting to live actual courage to change and re-define living?

The tendency to get obsessed with material things, such as money, electronic gear, car, clothes and/or attraction/desire for woman/sex and also the need for being accepted, liked, supported, respected, being attracted to.

Recently I was opening up to ‘go out’ and get what I want, such as social life, partnering up, buying things and it was cool, actually took courage to step out from the suppression and simply ‘try to live’.
This is in fact quite usual human ‘occupation’, but if my starting point is of self-interest, it’s my responsibility to change it – myself.

Walking Desteni I Process course since a while really supports me to stop the doubt, the thinking, and get into action and accumulate self-trust, but it’s also equally crucial to continue walking this self-change, because I do see that I am still not 100% present, self-honest and empty, never-driven by energetic experiences, so I continue writing this blog, doing the online course and accumulate understanding and change.

Suppression is big part of the problem here, as I do suppress not only emotional reactions, but also actual needs for support, expression, care and to the point of so much accumulated energy I feel in the mind to discharge somehow, that within that state I am not really aware of what would be actual self-expression and what is complete obsession to some energetic addiction to feed.

Within these cases then the justification can come up to go into it, engage and then will see, what’s this is about and then wanting to stop once understanding that this is of self-dishonesty and all the way not realizing the fact that by the very starting point of suppression I am sabotaging my self-trust, self-integrity and self-honesty, thus until I am not standing here undefined, empty and unwaveringly present here, I should not trust any of these desires, energetic experiences as something I should follow/feed/react to.

That’s it for now, will continue on self-correction.

Day 278 – Avoiding conflict

IMG_4162-EditContinuing on Suppression self-liberation process.
Let’s do a rant on what I see to prepare an effective self-forgiveness to be specifically aware of the self-accepted self-dishonest patterns to support myself to make the stand to stop and change those points as myself directly.

Last time stopped at the word and the personality around of the word ‘conflict‘ as something to avoid at all costs.

I was looking at this word during the last week and there are things I did not say to people around me before but several times I had the thoughts in my mind. I wanted to know, what are the reasons not to say out aloud, so also looked at.

It seems like there are several always ‘returning’ topics within my self-realization process as I am peeling off the onion-layers of the mind and this is also like that: avoiding conflict is not specific enough, because at certain scenarios I do not mind, more specifically: I do not care of the consequence of me saying things causing conflict. But to add to that, also can happen that in other times I deliberately trigger certain consequences within others, meaning causing them to have conflict within themselves. Fascinating. It looks like that avoiding internal conflict is what I am up to and if that I have to ‘protect’, I do not really think twice to put that onto others. But am I really? This is also not specific enough, there are certain individuals who are exception to that. The question is why.

I used to live within constant internal conflict, that was the main reason to start the journey to liberation/freedom by studying the mind and the consciousness systems, because I fed up with what I ‘contain’ within my head and causing me living in a mind-prison. Especially with the fact that the more inner conflict I ‘self-inflict’, the less I am able to make clean assessment and decisions, meaning compromising my common sense, stability and overall performance, regardless of the topic and I really do not like this, because that means I am highly ineffective, imperfect, more likely to fail and then fall.
That is a pressure, not wanting to fail, remain imperfect, thus it’s a strong motivation to avoid inner conflict. Here ‘fall’ means I have this experience of hitting rock bottom from where I do require time and effort to pull myself together. Which I also do not really enjoy, especially when realizing that I am within a time loop for instance, meaning repeating a pattern which does not support me or others and I see it but still not stopping.

In terms of external conflict, it’s also something to avoid, because if it’s too much, I also can have the tendency to react to it, which means the same: going into reactions, compromising presence, direction, effectiveness, accumulating doubt, hesitation, frustration, anger. Also cool point to pronounce ‘when it’s too much’ and ‘why’ ?

However within the whole self-stabilizing pattern the flaw and fault is that regardless of how much I can see the pattern I behave as, how uncomfortable, frustrating, self-limiting and de-stabilizing things come, at times I do not dig deeper, I do not even consider the option to somehow learn more about this behavior and figure out a way to change myself, but rather finding new tactics to cope with it, to equalize myself, to live with this pattern, as believing this is part of me, which is in fact self-dishonest, because I am responsible for what I accept and allow and how can I give into it to accept it until I have never even tried everything of my abilities to stop and change?

Well, mostly these patterns ruled my life before starting Desteni I Process education, which is exactly for these kind of self-sabotaging patterns to understand and change, but at times still can influence my daily living. That’s why I decompose these patterns further.

This blog is also the journey, that’s why it’s Journey to Life, because from where I start, is Consciousness to Awareness, where is I am conned by patterns what do not support me and actually all life, and by becoming aware of how these patterns work, I see my direct responsibility of how to stop participating and start re-defining my Life, word by word, act by act, breath by breath.


I forgive myself that I have not realized by avoiding conflicts I am actually responsible for allowing it to be in this world, regardless of being within me or outside of me, as I am also the world, as cannot separate myself from it, regardless of what thoughts, beliefs, projections I can occupy myself with.

I forgive myself that I have not dared to say and do things what I believed would bring inner or external conflict to preserve my perceived and guarded peace, which I defined as opposite of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that by being afraid of conflict became addicted to the experience of perceived opposite and defined it as peace and not realizing what I am compromising in order to maintain that and meanwhile by being occupied of this experience, not actually seeing what I am being afraid and why and to free myself from it by finding a practical solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense of whenever I become unstable, reactive and emotional to first and foremost stabilize and re-align myself back to here, within physical presence and self-directive principle and not go into the reactions and allow my mind to be triggered by those reactions and then acting upon those.

I forgive myself that I have not dared to realize that fearing of failing is self-dishonest because in the moment I participate in the fear, I am not able to actually discipline myself with my fullest potential to actually prevent the failure I am about to manifest, therefore to stop reacting, stabilizing, breathing, being here is inevitable, thus this is what I should do in case of losing presence and self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can stop and change any pattern within my mind what I see/realize and understand that it’s self-dishonest and I do not have to fear from looking into it deeply and more in details, because I can change myself and I trust myself within this and thus nothing within me I could not understand and stop/change and re-define in terms of who I am and what I stand up to, such as here to self-honesty.


When and as I see a conflict in front of me or within me which I want to avoid, I fear facing it’s consequence of my falling, failing in relation to it, I stabilize myself, bringing back here, into and as physical and realize that I can understand how this works and why and I can and should stop and change this behavior, personality, pattern and instead of focusing to reactions, self-judgement, I should focus to practical change.

When and as I see that I am conflicted within by a decision I can’t make in the moment and building up tension, I apply the solution to stabilize myself and step out from the mind character pattern-flow by realizing the feel of the conflict – losing presence, direction, physical awareness, confidence – and I breathe, and I let it go and see what is the pattern what is blocking me to apply the most practical and supportive decision, for instance if seeing as effective, write about it, to consider the outcome, others.

When and as I feel that I would say something to somebody what would make him or her to judge me or distance me or become conflicted what he/she would bring onto me by wanting to talk about it more I stop and breathe and I realize that I would again want to avoid conflict by not just standing up once but the self-honesty is to stay standing constantly and consistently and work my decision through the reality I face and to see if I can live like this within self-honesty.

When and as I worry of someone wants to argue with me or bring the conflict ‘back to me’ so to speak, I stand and remain here and apply practical common sense and to realize that I do not have to worry of fear if I am self-honest and if I am not, then I re-align, and I communicate and express myself accordingly.


I commit myself to stop avoiding conflict within the fear of I would be affected so much that I would not be able to be effective or operational and realizing how to solve these conflicts, and how to change myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop fearing from inner or outer conflict and to realize that conflict brings up a point I am not solved yet, thus it’s actually supportive and it’s my responsibility to transform it to a gift of self-change.

I commit myself to recognize the pattern of conflict within and then re-align and re-stabilize myself into and as physical presence.

I just had an important realization:

When and as I express myself and that creates a reflection of somebody coming at me in reaction and that makes me react into internal conflict, that means I am reacting to a mind-pattern within myself what is MY responsibility to deal with, stop, re-align and transcend.

This does not mean that if I am able to do whatever I want and do not feel regret, shame, doubt or turmoil for the consequences that I have transcended the mind/ego/self-sabotage, because if I train and condition myself to do not feel(and not with the mind-feelings/emotions way, but with self-honest awareness), if I am not taking responsibility for the outcome of my actions, basically that is kind of psychopath. So it’s important to distinguish I do not suggest to just be able to do whatever I want without feeling any remorse, but

When and as I am absolutely, self-honestly clear within, empty, aligned with principle of what is best for me and all equally without any interference/influence/inflation/pressure of any emotion and feeling I have expressed myself and that causes somebody to react and I am about to react to that, I cross-reference, check and see if I am aligned with LIFE and if not, then I forgive myself for what I have accepted to perceive and act upon it and I change.

When and as I am certain that I am clear and acting according to principled living by considering all the participants here, I make my stand and I do not react, I do not go into doubt, reactions, emotions, worry, fear of loss of anything or even fear of pain, but I breathe and I trust myself and apply practical common sense.

This is a crucial point within my process of self-honesty, because whatever I did in my past, mostly influenced by blurring emotions of desire, anger or hate or jealousy or whatever, supercharged by alcohol or drugs, fear or adrenaline, I was almost always find a tiny-winy doubt within myself and by that I undermined absolute self-trust, presence and self-direction and that is self-sabotage, which is in fact self-dishonest, because in fact I can understand the pattern to the degree of changing it – and myself, but there are another patterns supporting my dishonesty to not do so, thus those also has to be revealed, remembered, understood and eventually stopped to participating within.

To be continued…

Day 277 – Suppressing Conflict

IMG_1039Continuing with Suppression patterns. This time opening up CONFLICT.

Part of the problem is not to be honest with myself, thus remaining in circles of levels of my mind’s superficial self-defined reaction-loops, such as focusing to the positive and negative energies I feel by the judgements I allow to be triggered automatically and call this as my personality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can dare to be absolutely honest with myself and directly see things without allowing to automatically apply polarity of positive or negative judgements and reactions to it.

I forgive myself that I have not developed the practical skill to be direct and honest with myself at any time, all the time and within that, never questioning why not to realize the stupidity of such self-sabotage and thus manifesting layers of self-definitions, judgements, thought-patterns to keep my mind in balance of an experience so called stability, which is in fact not real self-stability within reality, but exists only as perception, delusion: a mirage which actually requires energy and active participation of thoughts, feelings and emotions to maintain, re-create and evolve to avoid facing direct facts here, which I have defined as avoidable, because of fear of change, fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the systems I’ve created in my mind were so blunt and self-dishonest that I developed ways not to actually see and understand what I am doing, thus suppression became a habit, within which I put experiences and reactions within me ‘under the carpet’ so to speak, so then I feel not being influenced by those, I do not need to be exposed to those reactions, the source points of those reactions and thus not needing to realize that something is wrong within me and/or in the reality around me, because of another judgement or fear of loss, by a value I’ve defined as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want, which I’ve called, defined and imagined as freedom is when I do not suppress anything, yet I do not have to fear from whatever is coming up within me, because I do not judge myself, yet I do not accept anything less than who I really am within self-honesty, meaning that I do not accept any self-limitation by my mind and committing myself to find practical ways to bring out and live my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that in order to have an experience of freedom, I’ve defined it the way as I was able to in the times when I was unable to deal with fear, self-limitation and self-dishonesty, and since then I’ve allowed patterns and habits, automatic behaviour within my mind and actual physical actions to continue to be acted out in the belief that this is what’s right and the possibly best to do, meanwhile if I slow down within, if I question my reasoning, my reactions, my starting point, the possible consequences, I can easily see, that the best practical solution is to stop my mind to move and start trusting myself by directly moving myself without any patterns from the past and accumulate actual self-knowing without any self-definitions, thoughts, feelings or emotions to be relied upon.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not aware of the occasions when I fear of being confronted, being rejected, being attacked, being resisted and automatically avoiding such situations, conversations, people and the same within myself: to open up specific points within me what not wanting to face, take responsibility for and answer within absolute self-honesty so then I would realize the necessity and common sense to stop it immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and understood what are the reasons and justifications, excuses and self-definitions within me what I give permission to influence, direct me not to stop suppressing and avoiding confrontational and conflicting situations with others and within myself, and thus not naming the game, so I am beating around the bush, whitewashing the facts, so I do not realize how much I sabotage myself and preventing myself to actually, really live.

I forgive myself that I have defined to be unpleasant when being in conflict with someone, because I’ve defined that the person when I meet her/him, then tends to become emotional and reactive, uncomfortable and unpleasant experience and not realizing that it does not have to become like that and what I feel is completely my responsibility and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can change myself to not become reactive and emotional even within conflicting situations.

I forgive myself that I have defined the amount of inner conflict I have to be dependent on the external conflict I am within, thus automatically become conflicted within when I am in interaction with someone within a conflict, meaning not agreeing on something and also not accepting that based on starting points what we also might not agree within of why.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I do not face external confrontations, then that means that I am free from internal conflict too and thus being actually free and not realizing that I am actually dependent on avoiding specific situations externally and also suppressing specific thoughts, feelings and emotions within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I become emotional, reactive and losing my presence within conflicting situations, externally with others or internally with myself and thus becoming so charged up, that I lose the experience of stability I had before and within that I am becoming unpredictable and my experience of presence also becomes more uncomfortable, because I am acting out automatically based on patterns of who I have defined and accepted myself to be the character of ‘within the conflict’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the actual methods and ways of how I evolved suppression into a split second action wherein I am automatizing it to happen to the degree of not even being aware of it, just to preserve the experience of stability, which in fact is not real, because being dependent on the suppression and the conditions of which the suppression can happen and be maintained.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being within external conflict, that means that I fear of losing something, which I actually do not have, but I want to keep the illusion of having it without admitting that it’s an illusion, thus by having the strategy of avoiding conflicts, creating the reality of not having conflicts, while the very existence and my habit of avoiding conflicts is actually the main conflict within my life, because it becomes self-limitation, which, as I feel being conflicted by, again: I suppress, distract myself, try to avoid situations and inner reactions to face, realize, understand it, thus deepening the self-sabotage, self-delusion and self-dishonesty.
Okay, going somewhere, this conflict point seems to be a key within the ‘act’ of suppression, so I will continue with this…