Day 323 – Ruthless leader fear

IMG_1674Continuing on purifying LEADERSHIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to become someone and something else to become leader and with this idea, immediately resisting, not wanting to change, because fearing to lose what I am holding onto within self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become leader ONLY once I am clear, pure, perfect, unwavering and unconditionally consistent within discipline and within that not realizing that this will not be born from any preparation but only through action, errors and trials, adjustments and mistakes, refinement and experience.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to be perfect, pure in order to start accumulate something for supporting what is best for all participants within existence, and within that justifying it by defining myself not knowing, not understanding, thus I should not yet direct, move, express and within all of these not seeing and realizing the meaning of context, which is to be honest with myself of where I am currently, within what situation and according to that to apply what is best within common sense, and for that I do not require to know and understand everything in existence, but have to be aligned and principled.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to justify not moving, not leading, not initiating change based on the belief that I am not yet good communicator, not being able to express myself properly, and not admitting that I only can become better within communication by actually doing it, meaning actually start moving, initiating, leading myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to sacrifice a part of myself in order to become a leader within the fear of being able to be compromised and not realizing that I do not have to accept that condition, but I can investigate, decompose, re-define that aspect of myself and unify with natural self-expression, meaning to connect, to have a partner, family is a decision, which is not related to who I am or what is my direction.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted myself that when I befriend with the thought within my mind about to give up partnership, family and friendship in order to become greater, then that is actually not related to leadership or responsibility, but it’s a self-accepted fear of compromise, which I still accept and allow instead of be honest about it with myself and to stop participating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become more ruthless, impersonal, computing and clinical in order to become leader, good leader and not realizing that I am still being conditioned and basically owned by those conditions wherein I can access self-expression in regarding to those words of ruthless, impersonal, computing and clinical, and within that resisting to embrace, to become those words based on judgement, memory, suppressed emotion and self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not admitted that to want to become ruthless leader is an attempt to escape from taking full responsibility within compassion as admitting that I am still not aware of what is actual compassion and wanting to justify avoiding it to understand in order to maximize efficiency and not realizing that when it’s about leading people – and/or myself, then self-honesty is the key, not being ruthless, which indicates fight, friction and in a way abusing life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am not able to live the word ruthless within fearing to become bad or evil and also not realizing that I am not daring to find out where and how ruthlessness can have place within my self-honest expression and also not realizing the dominant fear of going too far within that and causing unnecessary suffering.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I want to use ruthlessness as leader, then I am compensating for a weakness, what I want to fight over, which I am not admitting what it is, therefore not being able to stand up to it, but rather to play mind-energetic-plays to use ruthlessness to ‘win’ and ‘control’ specific situations, wherein I am or I have been unable to direct within self-honesty – thus the key is to find that self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within desiring to be a ruthless leader over others in order to reach the goals wanting to achieve, actually I am being ruthless with myself, which I do not admit, do not question why, do not answer how to stop, and within the recognition and acceptance of the inability to become ruthless with myself, wanting to practice that in relation to others, in a role/situation wherein I can apply that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the whole concept of ruthlessness is to overcompensate the fallacies within my mind, wherein I can be vulnerable to manipulation, stimulation to influence, direct and determine my decisions and actions and within that not realizing that I can directly look at the initial judgements, reactions to stop.

What I have realized since I wrote my last post about LEADERSHIP is that I must be the living example of self-leadership first and in fact all of my secret suppressed desires about being leader were about becoming able to lead myself without any inner resistance and fear.

Also a lot of images of how I could be a leader I can recall, for instance what I’ve seen from corporate jobs, movies and photographs, as the leader has the high-class office, dressed well, articulates perfectly, looks strong, attractive, determined and very direct, in a way restrained, yet no inhibition, almost like always reserving for much more work/power to express and not showing everything at his hand, but only what’s relevant for the current step of his plan.

Quite funny to recognize that my actual ability, opportunity and expression have been hijacked by the cherished images and likeness of what I believed could and should be about leadership and within that not realizing the most obvious missing point: self-leadership, to lead and trust myself, to initiate change and live that.

Also to acknowledge on how easy to debunk a myth, a false-resistance/excuse of ruthlessness, as how it’s not about that, but wanted to be, almost like finding an excuse to suppress any initiation towards actual initiative self-leadership.

Further to realize and share that never to be afraid to see directly what’s within as it does not mean I have to remain like that – for instance in regarding to ruthlessness – as I would get afraid that if anyone would read this, then they would think of me as really someone would become a ruthless leader – as I am certain I would not become that, not in the sense of abuse. But as an opportunity to find out, wherein the word ruthless can actually be supportive, self-honest, according to what is best for all. To be ruthless with my self-dishonesty – but not necessarily as an emotional reaction-way or stone-cold machine-like way. So – it’s certainly a challenge.

Also when I see how I currently initiate leading with others – I am quite the opposite of ruthless, but more like polite, gentle, humble, which apparently I also judge within, and want to compensate with more strength, directness and within principle. So it’s quite fascinating to see that instead of getting afraid of a layer of my mind, for instance here about the word and my relationship to it of: ruthless – to dig further, to uncover the source of that also and trust myself.

I stop here for now, will continue to open up more in relation to leadership, self-leadership.

Day 322 – Leadership opening up

IMG_1679Last time I was writing about being awkward. If I look beyond that self-limitation, there are a lot of points what I was suppressing as well.
Let’s look one particular point what started to open recently.

I was listening three of amazing EQAFE support interviews in regarding to Leadership

(links at the end of this post).

I’ve been circling around this word since a while and within my DIP PRO course assignment also pops up from time to time and the more I become honest with myself, this is an aspect of me, seeing the potential on how to expand with it, but it is also becoming clear that there is much work to do in order to birth that potential into life.

Thus, walking some memories, decomposing some constructs of my own relationship and personality of the word and it’s meaning of LEADER and LEADERSHIP.

Right away, there has always been a controversy of two opposite opinions about this within me: since my childhood, all I ever wanted is to have more power, possibilities and freedom, while on the other hand I have been accumulated so much willingness and desire to directly lack, deny and escape responsibility.

After many years, here I am and already realized that responsibility is the only way which through I can be really free of my self-limitation and powerlessness, thus since a while I specifically aim parts of my life wherein I am directing myself to open up and realize: where I am still not taking responsibility for myself and then(or at the same time) the world as well.

So I start with walking Self-forgiveness immediately, instead of sharing a lot of memories, because that is not really required here to start to see, as this point I have focusing to since a while in reflection to things happening in my personal, interpersonal and global life events, so I just directly apply practical understanding through actually taking responsibility with seeing what I have not yet acknowledged, but in a way, in the background, I have always known.

Self-forgiveness

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire leadership, to become a leader and not being honest with myself to see that this desire is fueled by my own powerlessness, insecurity and wanting to compensate values, aspects, abilities and personality traits of others, who I defined as more than who I perceive myself to be.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and want power and efficiency, but not wanting to take responsibility for who I am, for the reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are happening within me, overwhelming, distracting, dis-empowering me, but directly wanting to exert power into the world, because then others would see how powerful I am and based on their reactions, I would feel myself more powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself to see/realize/understand that I want to seem as powerful in order to be judged as powerful, so then based on judgements, starting to believe that indeed I am powerful.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the polarity-energy play within myself as wanting to experience ‘positive‘ judgments about me in relation to leadership and power to COMPENSATE the already existing ‘negative‘ judgments/beliefs/self-definitions within me and not realizing the common sense to stop/remove the ‘negative’ directly with self-honesty and self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined people in leading positions as something I could be good at without actually understanding what they do, what qualities they live and how.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leader, as the word itself explains itself, meaning that the one, who leads the way, which mostly means to initiate, to move first, without anything or anyone outside of themselves and that requires self-trust, self-knowledge and self-dedication, which I never considered to see it as actual qualities I can learn, but as being not my type, not my personality, not my way and not realizing that these are simply excuses and justifications of why I should give into the resistance to face and change my personality if I do really want to be a leader.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that my initial desire to become leader comes from the realization that I allow myself to be leaded by forces outside of me, even when I do not want, I do realize that it’s not supporting me, thus to compensate/fight that powerlessness, started to grow a desire for power and leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that ANY leadership starts with self, self-leadership and to deal with myself, my inner representation, my mind, my personality, my ‘demons’, so to speak, the patterns what constitute the chance to compromise my stand, to doubt myself, to give into resistances, to not want to change, initiate, move.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance towards leading, leading systems, others is the manifestation of the resistance to lead myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that until self-leadership will not spread and become a living expression of all individuals, there always will be leaders, which means master and slave relationship.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that leading is not about the power as it is mostly given, and if one does not live with that given power well, it might or will be taken away – even if it’s about self-leadership and self-given power – any doubt, resistance, fear can compromise that power.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take responsibility for what and who I am and within that to realize that I can change if I decide so, and the very fact that I am not changing is the indication and proof of that I am not taking responsibility and thus accepting my limitations to direct me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to envy leaders around me by what I perceived as having access to power and thus wanting to be leader and only looking what they have but not questioning the process they actually became leaders with what qualities and actions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only thing stops me from being leader is the self-sabotage of not leading myself first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not yet ready to become a leader and within that not seeing what actual justifications I hold onto, what makes that belief within me.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the postponement of actually walking the path of a leader is the belief that first I have to become perfect, then once I am ‘ready’, then I will lead and within that not realizing that there is no perfection without making mistakes first and the ability to admit and change.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized, named and worded the actual excuses and justifications I am holding onto for not taking responsibility to lead myself, to initiate movement and change within myself and the world as equal as one in a consistent practical application.

Conclusion

So, this should do as a start, at the end the realization came to the surface that I actually have to list up the points I perceive as blocking me to lead myself effectively.

I start with a brief list here and I will continue in the next post with this fascinating topic.

  • The belief that once I become a leader, I will have less time for entertainment and to actually do what I like, such as learning, investigating, discovering.
  • The belief that first I have to face all my demons to not get into any possible compromising situation ‘out there’ in the world.
  • The belief that I am not stable and consistent enough
  • The belief that my communication skills are not yet effective enough
    The belief that I am not yet walking a supportive, enjoyable and stable partnership with someone first
  • The belief that I have to remain somewhat alone and secluded in order to become someone who will not compromise leadership and responsibility first versus personal interest, such as relationship and family and it’s a friction within between wanting partnership, but only if it’s not compromising my ‘plans’ and having the belief that I should not care about such details, but only focus to my ‘plans’
  • The belief that I am not direct, in a way ruthless or impersonal enough and being vulnerable for people to be able to influence me with their social skills, beauty or my insecurities

These are just a few and some of them are already seem ridiculous for me at the moment I write them down, so at first sight they do not seem relevant or real problematic, but still: came up, thus worth writing down and to see what is behind that particular belief.

Just like with fears and phobias – many people hold onto so many kinds of fears without even being aware of how ridiculous it might seem if the person would actually take the effort to write it down to see in front of them.

A point I see worth mentioning in regarding to fear:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from jumping into action in regarding to leadership, which is the fear of making so big mistakes that would manifest irreversible consequences, what could sabotage my intention, direction towards leadership.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I focus to the fear and it’s resonance, I do not look at the point I fear manifesting, I do not see if it’s realistic, what I can do to prevent it, but I spend time to not move, not act, but only react within.

And the last should be this:

  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that within seeing the initiative to become leader, but not actually specifying of what kind of leader within what ‘field’ I want to lead, initiate, move change, thus it’s all abstract, undefined, un-graspable, which is to protect my level of involvement with leadership, which is only self-stimulation, not actual reality-walking and manifesting.

This is greatly challenging and recommended everyone to walk as can reveal so many points of self-dishonesty to work with and being able to face, understand and stop.

These are the awesome EQAFE interviews about leadership I’ve mentioned and support me and others greatly:

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-leadership-to-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-103

https://eqafe.com/p/what-is-blocking-the-leader-within-you-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-104
https://eqafe.com/p/the-birth-of-a-leader-begins-with-self-the-crucifixion-of-jesus-part-105

And a personal blog post from Marlen to look Leadership as well, suggested to read:

https://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2017/04/13/557-self-leadership-and-the-message-of-jesus/

Day 321 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 4

aw4Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2 and part 3

I walk self-forgiveness on the major points mentioned here to puncture my realizations with practical common sense and take responsibility for the manifested self-dishonesty in regarding to awkwardness and suppressing developing and expanding within social skills and expressions.

  • I forgive myself that I have not asked directly the reason and origin of my awkward definition, experience and judgement from myself, but to automatically becoming preoccupied with the consequence of my definition, experience and judgement of it, thus distracted from understanding the problem, finding solution for the problem.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I only experienced and judged myself as awkward when I was interacting with others, within social interaction and communication and within that not realizing why I am uneasy, inconvenient, embarrassed, but whenever this experience comes up, immediately going into the reaction side, judgement direction, distraction mode from the actual reason of this is spiraling out.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the fact that I feel awkward, because of comparison, judgement of how I want to experience, to be experienced versus what is actually happening within me and in relation to others and the difference between what I imagined, desired and actual reality, I perceive as defeat, failure, for I blame myself, feeling ashamed for and defining that this is who I am, awkward I am and not realizing that it’s just an experience, wherein I define and feel being stuck within.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I recreate awkwardness each and every single time when I judge myself, when I expect outcome of social/human relationships interaction from my own self-interest and/or when I do not trust myself, and then comparing, expecting, judging and blaming, which all are temptations to be given into to be distracted from the fact that I gave up self-honesty and self-trust when defined that it’s acceptable to rather define myself as awkward and blame myself for it, being angry and frustrated at myself for it, instead of looking it as practical as possible, meaning to find out what is the actual problem/source of this and what and how could be the actual solution.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that my awkwardness and self-judgments about it are of words and thus the problem is within my relationship with words, thus the realization and solution also must be too.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my attention from the actual problems I was facing by giving into hope and trust into manifestations within this world outside of me, taking refugee within experiences, energetic mind states and rituals and thus undermining my self-trust.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that any energetic accumulation-based method/way/process is only working on mind level, which is although a symptom, but also a consequence, a mirror, and reflects back my starting point and physical expression, thus the the mind should only be ‘used’ as to backtrack, cross-reference and become aware of the self-dishonesty I am responsible for to stop.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fight against myself, my perceived personality, nature, tendencies and within that believing that I have to accumulate greater amount of energy in my mind by time looping within judgments, reactions, emotions and thinking and thus being slave of my own self-limitation, because then I only way equilibrium within this if I walk the whole cycle of falling and raising and being distracted with this path to not see that the actual solution is to entirely step out of this pattern and not participate, prevent myself to even react to the conditions I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve defined to interact with others making me weird, awkward, my comparison, judgement, but in fact it’s totally unrelated to others, anyone else, but myself here and if I give into such experiences and judgements, it’s showing me that I am still not trusting myself unconditionally, not being able to remain here, directive and present and therefore the real challenge and self-trust means that I am able to be here as alone, as others, equally, no difference of who I am within self-honesty.
  • That’s why whatever comes up alone or with others – it’s my responsibility to face, understand, forgive and stop and to see what life can mean beyond this self-limitation.
  • I commit myself to challenge myself to step out of my comfort and comfortable zones and to see who I am within facing the unknown and to realize that the most practical common sense is to trust myself – and if I find out within self-honesty that I don’t/can’t trust myself in relation to something, then I take responsibility for stopping and changing myself, not just making decision but to live that in action.
  • I commit myself to immediately look at the source point of upcoming experience of awkwardness within self-honesty, to see what is the judgement, the fear, the self-limitation and forgive myself, stop myself, change myself, if I am able in the moment, then right away, but if I face recurring pattern, difficulty, not specific enough understanding, then I write down the patterns, I investigate, I apply self-forgiveness, I communicate with other destonians, if necessary.

Redefining awkward, awkwardness experience: The self-reflection of a certain judgement of myself and coming up with the tendency to give into the experience of shame, powerlessness, but it is rather an opportunity to see within myself what I am not yet accepting about myself to stand equal and one and thus being able to change. Thus awkwardness can be applied as a gift to take responsibility for an automatic energetic experience I’ve allowed up to this point but from now on committing myself to prevent overpowering my presence and direction with self-judgement.

So the process here is to admit, to acknowledge and be brutally self-honest about why I do what – and this is always different, when I walk through various self-dishonest patterns, but in a way it’s also a skill, and accumulates self-trust, to be able to question the relevant questions and have the relevant answers. There is no mystic, hidden agenda when it comes to our own mind, personality and self-limitations. Everything is in plain sight. The only reason someone can’t see through deception and excuses, justifications of how and why accepting self-limitations is because did not really committed oneself to walk through this and did not yet developed the necessary discipline, skills and the ability to not stop when facing resistances, fear, inconvenience, uncomfortability.

To learn this game/life-changing abilities/skills/starting point, visit:

http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

http://eqafe.com

Awkwardness in relation to our bodies

Day 320 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 3

aw3Continuing from Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1 and part 2

I checked tons of conspiracy theories, secret societies, ancient civilizations, crazy, wicked theories and all of a sudden I’ve found a youtube video, wherein a girl is stating out that she is portalling Jim Morrison, thus speaking from the dead and talks about Oneness and Equality and a Process of self-honesty and Self-forgiveness, and it’s time to change existence from it’s core and this is going to happen, no escape, in a way it’s already done, now everyone will face who they really are and have the chance for LIFE to honor.

That several minutes struck me, like a nuclear freight train.

Obviously, I was aware of the concept of Oneness, most of my acid experiences converged towards such perception – and Equality too – I always had this kind of weird peace when I was just around others without judgement and accept and embrace them, although it was rare, but still radiated through clearly that somewhere, somehow, we are all equal. But when I had to put the two together in a practical way, it was kind of slap to my face. So simple that it’s in plain sight, yet nobody talks about that like this.

I’ve started to embrace, study, read, digest and understand the vast amount of DESTENI material and it took me months to have a level of understanding of what I should do next.

When I first read the sentence that “each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of earth” – that was also not a blissful realization, but rather to see everything corrupt, deteriorated, abused, exploited, enslaved is in a way everyone’s fault, what includes me. From that point I realized that it’s literally disempowering to blame, to point fingers to anyone, including myself – but it’s all about what can be done. And this starts with Self Here. Understanding.

To start writing. This was another one of my most resisted things, to write about myself, not women, not things to do, but how I feel, how I think, how I react, how I behave.
I know, many say, they already wrote diary, but writing within Self-honesty is not a typical diary.
It’s always from self, no point to write about others, I change myself and thus the world, not the way around.

I started to write about points I could never forgive myself for, some nasty stuff I did within overwhelming angry moments, what I immediately did regret, but once did it, it was done. I was angry at myself, I could not change it, it was bad, all I could do was to swallow, to lock it down, suppress and throw away the key.

So, when it was suggested me to start writing, to start opening those doors, what I worked hard years on closing them real, it was quite eye-opening, not so blissful process to become aware of and in a way it’s still continuing.

I went to the Desteni farm in 2010 to actually meet with the core team of the study material creators and lived with them for a month and I had many-many sessions with the portal, shared so many points of my life what she, or in fact anyone else could never ever known, but I got direct support on my point of relationships, fear, the practical solution, etc. And it was so casual, like talking about the weather – also proving that no need any superficial rituals, symbols, mystical stuff to be direct and effective within becoming more aware. The power of Living Words.

Although I perceived myself pretty much aware in comparison of who I was before, or how I perceived others to exist, I had to realize that phrase to the deepest: ‘I do not know nothing‘.

There were some years of internal processing, and slowly but surely got to the point of being able to bring the realizations, tools, applications with me into society so to speak.
At work, in the beginning, I did not see any point within being friendly, to just talk about stuff with people in the office for instance.
But then I realized that I am actively developing communication skills now.

Nowadays I am able to not only notice the awkwardness, but as writing about it, seeing it more clearly, the more stopping myself judging and reacting, the merrier I am able to see the mechanism, what is the internal/external trigger point to jump into conclusions, automatic emotional reactions in terms of this and that.

Then applying Self-forgiveness, on the point I realized, that I was not aware of before, I did not take responsibility for, but now I do, I want to give another chance to change.

What is the key here within direct self-change? Words.
Of course I have resisted this, everyone does. I’ve tried almost everything else, just not to face the fact that I am already programmed with words, which I kept fighting, suppressing, overpowering, controlling and denying through various techniques, but the eventuality is that once I stop doing those things, I am just realizing that I have not yet really changed. And also to admit that I am susceptible to words, I react to words, I use polarity systems of words all the time, thus creating my own heaven and hell experiences in my mind, then ‘under the influence’ – I manifest consequences in the actual world, shared with everyone else. It’s to easy not to be aware of the mind-patterns of doubt, blame, projection, jealousy, greed and self-interest to sabotage the best of us all the time. And although I dedicated my life to ‘become a better version of me‘ – without actively ‘working’ with words, I was still failing and falling big time.

Why? Because I was not direct, honest and genuine with myself as much as possible.

See – honesty is damn easy – just look at oil companies – their advertisement, politics, capitalism – it’s simple, direct, no hidden agenda, or at least not too much:
They dig/suck up oil from the ground, refine it, then after transporting it various ways, which sometimes totally screw up vast areas of nature, they sell it for multiplication of it’s real value, just because everyone needs fuel, it’s not cheap.

Or fracking – even the word speaks for itself – it does not have a nice ringing in anyone’s mind, except maybe for those who make a lot of profit out of it. It’s like freaking fucking horrible for the living soil, natural water, etc. But it’s legal, protected by the law, because of profit. And they are very honest.

Are they self-honest too – meaning the leaders of these companies mostly, but in a way each of their cog-like employee? – Absolutely not – they do not consider irreversible consequences, the price of ruining future generations to deal with horrific consequences.

The same way I was honest, when I wanted to expand, develop and grow within my social skills, but as I was not honest with myself, but with my convictions, beliefs, desires, thus, I did not really progress, only developed more elaborate skills around my original problem to be able to handle it, to deal with it.
The more rules I’ve introduced, the more smooth I was able to move in the system up to a certain point.

But still, no matter how much new ‘programs’ installed into my mind about specific conditions, whenever I’ve faced with new situations, the shy, awkward kid is just here again and immediately, years of ‘working’ on this, felt like nothing.

That’s why the ego-self-interested person’s mind’s greatest fear is to face the unknown. No rule, no judgement – and even if the individual tries to box all possible ‘unknown‘ scenarios into polarity-judgement systems – the real unknown is scary, because I am going to know something about myself what I did not before. No rule, thought or judgement will help then. So that’s why it’s easy for humans to justify not to know. To  really know self, beyond the layers, personalities, characters.

In a way, that’s why I had no trouble to throw out everything I knew, learned, understood before, because although I had some progress with, it was not direct solution at all, at specific points it was even a burden and disadvantage to be conditioned with all the knowledge in the world, but nothing about real self, real life.

And to admit that, to acknowledge, that I basically wasted full years, decades on this was at first sight difficult, but then I realized that it would have been much more difficult to remain facing this social awkwardness point again and again and again.

Hey, within being the master of excuses, I even thought and tried to ‘hope up myself into’ keep adding more rules and conditions to ‘handle’ this awkwardness and one day I would be able to be always prepared and prevent awkwardness.

But then I have realized – the less I think, define and judge, the more I can be here, naturally, directly and another difficult realization was that any thought, judgement or energetic reaction is just a sign of accepting fear within me.

And no matter how physically skilled, how much meditation or mantra I do, how many acid trips I take or how many women I sleep with, these are all just distractions and belaying the inevitable: facing self. To be prepared, the best is to let go, unlearn all what is not self-honest. To let go the fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of fear.

And I could do a ton of magic mushroom and say a trillion mantras, but still, eventually, I have to be able to communicate with myself through words about that fear, to name the game, and thus being able to find actual solutions.

I still ‘train’ myself in a way to expand within communication and social skills, to be able to be as much vulnerable and stable within human relationships, but I see real change during the last decade, since I apply Desteni I Process online course support for instance.

Not only learn things, but certain patterns to un-learn, to not go into doubt – but for that I have to have self-trust, so in a way, systematically going through all sources of doubt not only makes me realize it more clearly, but it also opens up to see what actions, practical consequences I have to manifest, to live that trust until it’s not separable, not conditional.

If we look at the world system, word is power – the law, the schools, politics, movies, music – everything in the matrix depending on it – without words everything would collapse.

This provides a great opportunity for our problem too – the solution is to understand, embrace words, to change our relationship with them, how we interpret, react to and act out specific words. By being able to purify my set of words and re-define them – I change how I perceive and interact with the world too – thus literally changing the world, step by step.

For me, one little, almost insignificant step was to face and stop awkwardness, the drive, the motivation and decision to change it lead me to not only question everything I knew and invested into, but to create time and space to actively work with words of me.

Writing this blog is one of my greatest gifts to myself, because it is about self-directed change.

I am not really awkward with people anymore, with family/friends or with strangers, even if I have to touch them or I am being touched by(which was also an issue before, as weird it seems written down) – still, often – or sometimes  –  I can react, I can act out some weird stuff , which if I look at it – I am accumulating practical knowledge and understanding to being able to see that it’s still originating from some past memory, fear, energetic reaction, but now I have not only the tools to open up, understand and assist and support myself to change, but also a great, supportive community too, who are willing to assist if needed.

That is honorable and might be literally a mistake to miss, just because of some judgement, thought or un-worded inner resistance.

In relation to the ‘social demons’ people – It’s not just about how they behave and how I want to be able to communicate and interact, not even about ‘why I want’ to be more effective to reach what goals, but also to see that often there is no schema, pattern, what is required, but to push myself in the moment infinitely and act immediately, learn from the mistakes and accumulate self-trust.

So wrapping it up with this:

  • I had realized my limitation of the experience and judgement of awkwardness.
  • I have made the decision to change, to stop awkwardness
  • I have tried different methods, techniques, starting points to stop it, although I was able to handle it to a certain degree, it was never a real change, but rather to adapt around the source problem.
  • I have deliberately picked certain activities to face and do what I resisted most. Although this assisted me a lot, the core of my problem was never directly addressed.
  • I have found the desteni principles, tools, support, study material and community, with which I started to understand how the mind, energy, thoughts, consciousness work
  • I have started to face the points I never could forgive myself for and I started to let go
  • I still keep doing what I resist: one of the greatest challenge was to stay committed to one point within consistency. This is currently my daily job, which I am at since 9 years. I’ve defined this previously as the opposite of freedom, but walking through resistances and judgments, I honor and respect my decision to stand and expand step by step.
  • I regularly pick things to do what made me react with awkwardness, for instance improvisation-contact dance, meeting with new, different kind of people and initiate communication, express and share myself. Blogging and Vlogging here about my current process, about points I am realizing is not only a self-reflection, but also another form of communication with the world, others.

I continue with Walking Self-forgiveness in relation to realizations about awkwardness and self-trust

 

Day 319 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 2

aw2Continuing with my story- part 1

I went to a half year long trip to Asia, where I was introduced to the Rainbow hippie community, where I faced another great resistance: shy and shameful of my body – I was naked a lot of times with others(people believe hippies do naked sex all the time, and it’s not really about that, I rarely saw actual sex, but it’s more about finding connection with yourself, your body, nature and stop judging, comparing, but actually enjoying) and realized that there is nothing wrong how I look like and this is who I am and this was great.
There, I had an interesting observation. With hundreds of very open and mostly honestly kind; much more accepting and embracing people near the ocean, at the edge of the tropical jungle, far from any cities, I have noticed one particular kind of human in terms of social abilities.

This is going to be exaggeration, but in a way this is how I reacted back then.
I’ve seen these individuals as shining beacons among others, they are attractive, upbeat, extremely polite, generous, mostly everyone not just likes them but people are affected by their morale and they literally can talk with anyone about anything immediately, no need warming up, getting to know each other, they just step in and BAAM, they are ‘with me here‘.
Without being able to describe them, I’ve labelled them as ‘social demons‘ – I mean ‘demons’ not in the negative way at all, but rather as almost supernatural level of well refined and effective communication abilities.

I would have thought that I would be jealous to these individuals of how awesomely they are able to live aspects and qualities I never had, but always desired for; but the opposite happened: I realized that I can observe, listen to and interact with them and learn from them, meanwhile enjoying their company and it was an interesting realization.

Of course, they are not perfect, sometimes made mistakes or they were carried away and were not so cool with some other people and although I was still amazed by their abilities, I was also seeing that they are ordinary people, just this part of themselves they have practiced, experienced a lot, which I did not.

I rather was being good with computer systems, stoic philosophy and being obsessed with almost military-grade clinical thinking, which was only – and quite often – compromised, when I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with exerting suppressed emotions for too long.

Also during my far east travels, there were lot of times when I was ‘alone’, without friends, without money, without things with me to be preoccupied with. But for instance in India – you are rarely alone, mostly being among hundreds, thousands, sometimes even millions of others(Kumbh mela).
And I was able to open up to strangers – my approach came with the realization that I am on this train with this another human at the other side of the world and probably I will never see this person again, so why talk about superficial things, like weather, but why not to be completely open, and become vulnerable, meaning radically honest and have real moments with each other.

What to lose? Even if I screw up, appear as a fool, or someone not so cool, it’s like being in a role for a movie for a while, then move along. In a way, like in computer games, when I have the quest to go here and there and ask around, but what if I just shoot everything that moves. Well, in reality, obviously, it is not what I mean, but rather to just ‘step out of my character’. To dare to ask or tell something, which I could not feel doing so with a person at home, here, with this stranger, I was more easy to do so. The limit is literally my imagination.
This helped a LOT to go through many points of my personality and to see which I still enjoy, respect, and what part of me is still a bore, to be ashamed of or simply seeing, I do not like this within me, I want to change it. How I smile, how I articulate, how I walk, how I am losing my mind to a specific type of woman, sound or image, etc.

Before this trip, and even during it, I was doing zen meditation, then Tibetan too, some sacred geometry-related visualization, and man, I was thinking I am now becoming aware and it’s all great.
I was so wrong and I did not see the fall coming.

Multiple times I was facing near death experiences due to my recklessness and preoccupation in my mind and being in total out of sync with physical reality, what deeply shaken me within, much more than I realized back then, but it immediately pushed me out from my thinking mind for a while. After one particular event/experience, when I was almost crushed to the rocks of the wavy ocean, for several hours, I was present, it was like a flame was burning in my chest what pulled, grounded me here, although I was sick, injured and weakened, it did not matter, I was able to see it, but within the moments it did not matter.

Then I screwed it up, smoked again and fell back into my mind, but those moments burned into my beingness for ever, like a splinter in my thinking patterns about the fact that I could be so much more if I would never fall back into this thinking mind again.

And I had several years of training, practice and experience with meditation, read tons of books from various eastern and western teachers/writers, but I had to realize that although this was somewhat useful, I have to step beyond all of these. As part of this realization, I stopped drinking alcohol once and for all, which I never regret. After a while, that substance always made me more moody, swampy and less clear in my mind, and I understand if people gain more feel good experiences by doing this with their being, mind and body, for me it was and still clear that it’s self-sabotage, which I committed not to do so. I still had dozens of other problems within me, so this step was not an all-over solution, but certainly a stepping stone towards becoming more stable.

When I came back from Asia, my personality was, in a way split, one part of me was still trying to catch effects from the same old patterns, getting high, stimulating myself with intensified energetic experiences due to drugs, sex, danger or recklessness, but at the same time one other part of me grew doubting the other ‘me’ – and kept looking, searching for something new, with what I could make more sense, to find real answers.

I was so hungry for real change, although I have suffered through years to have this semi-wisdom and halo of excuses and justifications of why the world system is to be completely rejected, to hate money, law, lawyers and anyone happy, they are to blame, but I started to see through the lies and fake bliss of spirituality and new age too, mostly through my own mind-my life-sand-castles constantly falling apart.

I continue in the next post.

 

Day 318 – From awkwardness to self-trust part 1

PSX_20170116_094211Sharing points about how I am utilizing to enter and participate within society to expose, understand and stop self-dishonesty within myself.

Some personal history:

I used to be quite an introvert, a quiet guy in the background and if I would have to describe my overall experience and expression within human relationships in one word, that would be awkward.

Within the development of my personality, the social interaction was always a step behind from other kids from the same age and thus they always seemed a bit more good at these things than me and I experienced this doubt and inferiority and all I could do about it was to suppress, justify and hide. In the meantime I’ve learned the “discipline” to constantly and consistently fantasize, to daydream and self-stimulate.

Around high school I’ve started to notice the first time that my level of social and communication ability it is highly limiting, for instance, when I had affection towards certain females. I was literally crushed within, even from just the idea to say a word to a woman, who I liked. Although, later women approached me quite directly and I was still able to screw up and ending up not doing what I actually wanted, what I had the opportunity for and with this I just made myself more frustrated and awkward.

I was constantly thinking about what could happen, what should I do, similarly to a computer, running simulations of possibilities, tainted with doubt and fear of mistakes and failures.

After something was done or there was an action I wanted to do, but I did not, I kept re-playing it in my mind, just judging myself, finding acceptable reasons, why, why why?

Quite early on I’ve developed this weird ability to generate extreme amount of energetic experiences within my mind and body due to constant emotional reactions to my self-judgement, which has taken the toll to my actual self-trust quite extensively. Especially with being able to suppress it in a split-second, when I started to ‘lose my clean head’, I just firmly said ‘enough!’ and the emotion seemed like it was gone. But it was not, I was suppressing, accumulating in the ‘background’ and once it was too much to ‘contain, endure’, then it came out, I felt this weird rage-like mind state, which often, politely say, prevented me to act out of my possible best potentials. Then I did calm down, and the whole process started over.

At university, alcohol-fueled parties brought change in a way, I was able to inhibit suppression for a while, although I’ve felt myself literally more close to an animal in those moments than human, but felt good to release the chained beast so to speak.
I was not really aggressive, but rather reckless and so to speak fearless within my actions. It’s consequences were also substantial, problems with finishing exams, wasting lot of opportunities in my location situation at the campus , falling into a rejected affection so deeply, that I literally lost years within complete emotional turmoils.

In the next phase of my life I’ve smoked dope and after a while found my next tool, powerful psychedelic drugs to melt, expand and fractalize my mind, and in a way the first couple of experiments opened my eyes to vast amount of possibilities and potentials in terms of human relationships, social abilities, the mind, etc. I was still the same shy, awkward kid within, which I never stopped facing, noticing and hating too, but saw a glimpse of hope for change. Wrote a diary, learned basics of Aikido and zen meditation.

After some quite extraordinary sets of experiences during self-stimulative sitting meditations, I’ve realized that I could sit through my entire life, I could create inner peace, seeing dimensions all the way, touching the leg of nirvana, but once I stand up, everything fades away and my initial crucible of overwhelming awkwardness naturally returns.

This made me realize that I have to actively work within ‘every day moments‘ on facing and opening up these experiences, expressions and explore ways to change.

I always worked behind computers, interacting with machines, so I figured out, the perfect start would be to have a job where I have to communicate with people.

This was the most resisting thing I had, so realized, why not to push towards that.

A friend of mine had an art shop, so I became a seller. She was my boss, I had to greet, listen and serve people, answer to their questions about the art techniques, tools, items and it was challenging. I did not stay too long there, only for the time to realize that this ‘method’ is effective, I’ve learned a lot.

Sometimes, I even had my body physically resisting moving forward, or started shaking, which might seem crazy or schizo, but I see it now, it is the extent of how humans can accumulate inner-mind patterns, energetic experiences to manifest physical resistances, which are literally like dense swamp or even brick wall sometimes to walk through.

I’ve seen this as fear of death – the death of my ego, my bubble imaginary mind personality is literally afraid to being exposed to face the fact that it’s time for it to die. And as I was identified with this image and likeness, to some degree, I had this weird sensation of putting down a part of myself, but I had to do. I kept imagining how I die, my body parts would just explode as I walk through a car, maybe there is a bomb there, and in a weird way, I’ve tried to get accustomed to facing death, to walk towards something, which is not comfortable, absolutely unpleasant, but I had to walk, there is no stopping, or I would remain this screwed up and self-limited.

(What back there, then I did not realize that I was fighting against myself, thus literally created wars within myself, thus what I resisted, persisted too, thus this was going on for a while and much-much later I realized the practicality of embracing the totality of myself)

Later on, I travelled with another kind of artists, jugglers, musicians, we sold hand-made artwork on street, I learned to not only be effective on performing and making money on street, but actually enjoying it too.

What made it difficult was that I did not stop smoking dope and that often brought back the introvert/awkward kid within me, but I did not see that back then.

My experience with weed is that it brings back a certain mind-state, even if it seems different and evolving, it’s kind of ‘going back’ experience, and for me – and maybe many others too – it’s a less emotionally responsible version of myself, and yes, I’ve trained myself and my mind to have fun, enjoy and focus to cool things with the experience, but in a way, it also catalyzed to keep suppressing the judgments, emotions, responsibilities I kept ignoring, escaping from.

I never really had any ‘withdrawal’ symptom from any substance, not even ‘psychologically’ – only on self-level to use the experience to not be self-honest in a way, to keep hiding, procrastinating to face the really relevant and problematic points in my life. Even, with the fact that my primary goal with these substances, genuinely was self-development and to support transcendence – with this tiny little point, most of these were in a way biased and compromised to a certain extent.

But this, I only realized much later.

When I came home, I was already a bit different man in terms of being a bit more natural while interacting with people. Still awkward, but now had some patterns to utilize to interact with others. This change attracted a different kind of people into my life, who with I continued to learn new skills.
One of the most important ones was dancing. I always hated that, resisted, more than the devil one would – which is obviously weird, but I did push through that one eventually with some chemical bridge, one occasion was enough. I even saw that not the MDMA itself made me open, as I was kind of planning to do with it, it just gave some push and that’s all I needed back then. Much later I’ve did MDMA maybe twice more, but those did not really ‘add’ anything new in particular, so then I lost my interest with that substance. In a way, I also realized, it was more ME, who did open this point up, thus I did not make habit from taking this substance, as many of my friends did then, and some still.

Sometimes these can assist, but if it’s more than a couple times in a lifetime, one has to realize the fact that it’s a distraction, the question one has to answer: why?
So, after one particular night, I realized I am a dancer. Not a professional, not in any particular style, but to move and enjoy with music genuinely in the moment – that’s dancing and it’s a gift.
I kept ‘practicing’, still, mostly under influence of psychedelics, mainly for drum and bass and goatrance. I learned a lot of ‘trance dance’ patterns and endurance, but beyond that, I was still awkward. This was not enough.

I will continue in the next post

Day 317 – Controversial topics

controvThese are what they are, with the centralized mass-media, the unofficial and controversial information sources have been spread.

What is true, what is fake? This is now every day’s conversation. The information-era is at it’s perils.

It’s interesting to see that everyone has beliefs, opinions, judgements, and if anyone does not have, share, to persuade or trying to protect those, or does not care, then they are also being judged by others as sheep or blind followers of the enslavement system.
But the interesting part is that those who are quiet, it’s not that they do not have beliefs, opinions, judgements, but on top of those beliefs, they have a specific set of convictions about why they should not share and care to enter into this meme-war of consciousness of what’s right or true or real.

Because from a point, it literally becomes war, not only in the people’s minds, but on the actual fields and seas, sons of mothers go against each other, just because they have the belief of this is why is worthy to kill and die for. Pure insanity.

That’s why the internal conflicts, battles, frictions within our own mind never should be underestimated, because that is exactly what accepts and justifies external conflicts and wars, destruction and abuse in the world too.

An example: “I hate that I was so shy with this girl, I have missed the opportunity to ask her out, I am so fool, I HATE when I am like this.”

In this example I am actually being distracted with the emotional energy coming from the negative self-judgement, not focusing to the possible actual solution – to ask, why I was shy and coward and not stopping with that answer of :”Because it’s risky, I can screw this up and then I am done, she would never consider me as a potential partner.”
Then, to be able to see beyond this excuse is crucial: to see that I am afraid to lose something I give value to so much that actually I am being distracted and handicapped while doing it by the overwhelming vivid imagination of me failing in this, with her.

The willingness and actual, practical ability to be self-honest is the most important thing in life, I am certain, because without it, I am lost, untrustworthy and being exposed to the elements of all experiences, conditions in the world without being able to really understand, to change within.
Blame, projection, anger pointed to others, the world is being accepted and allowed as a hellhole for the majority, meanwhile if I would be honest to myself, I could directly see by approaching the levels of self-deception to discover how and why exactly I am responsible for what I experience, for what I conclude, for what I accept and allow and also for what I do.

So, here comes in the point of controversial topics, because it is also now all over the world, so many crazy ideas about what happened here and there, what is going on or how things do really work.

Controversial topics are actually cool, because within that I can have a reflection of who I am, what do I accept according to peer pressure of social acceptance and what is commonly believed to be true, what is actually proven, what I can prove for myself and what I have to actually walk through, work on and find out myself to be able to decide of whether it is real or made up.
And within that to also see how relevant the point is in my life, my neighbors life, all life’s perspective currently and in the long term as well.

In the current bank-debt-funded predatory capitalist system, where profit, revenue and income is the most important factor within pursuing safety, health and enjoyment, it is also an opportunity to deceive others for it.

And often, even the apparently ‘innocent’ ones are also causing irreversible and horrible consequences.
To persuade someone for a face creme to prevent aging for women might not seem as damaging, but if we can realize how exactly it’s being made, that it’s being tested on animals, if it’s factory keeping workers on sweatshop/slave level, if to see that the CEO of the 10.000 personnel company earns 10 percent of all the revenue, then I might consider that it’s not the best it could be.

I guess, it’s not that controversial as can be, let’s pick another one: vaccinations.
It’s also a heated discussion between parents, especially who had bad or horrible consequences by using these, often even compulsory treatments for children. Here and there some scientist appears trying to prove correlation between brain dysfunction and poisonous ingredients of vaccinations, then often people are being ridiculed when starting to question the authority, the corporations, the government.

As long as it’s a capitalist profit-oriented, revenue-hungry corporation funds, fabricates, persuades and sells these vaccinations, it is obviously questionable and when the whole process is not shared and being 100% transparent to the consumers, then it’s natural to want to know more about it, to see more research results.

There might be some really scary dark conspiracies in the background, but to gossipmonger all over – it’s bad and does not support any possible solution.

Mostly there is simple explanation: the fear relating to not survive in capitalism, greed; the never ending conquest for more and more profit drives people over common sense, beyond compassion and under dignity to the mind-state of superiority, justifying with principles like ‘survival of the fittest’, but those individuals are totally incapable of being self-honest to question their belief systems, to answer their self-dishonesty, thus not only becoming lost within their own realm of consciousness, but causing massive amount of abuse in the real world, what is being shared with everyone else.

Poisoning natural water sources, covering it up, marketing sickening products without warning, bribing their way out of it, fabricating casus belli and driving whole countries to war: it’s every day’s reality and anyone who accepts and justifies it with sentences like ‘This is us, human nature’, they are also part of the problem, not only the person who gives the orders to execute those atrocities every day.

I also have been ridiculed many times when bringing up a controversial topic, just because the TV does say that it’s conspiracy theory, because some things, if those would be really real, people would have to realize that their own version of reality is a delusion, which is difficult to give up, because that means they have invested maybe even decades into something what was almost completely a waste of time.

I do not think there is real evil, which would fight good and want to destroy, like in the tales – that’s existing only in the mind, polarity – a symbol of our own separation for LIFE itself, because there is no good without bad, no matter how GOOD I become, there will always will be BAD, because it’s all relative, make-belief. To balance out positivity taking all over, which would be also totally impractical, negativity appears. What we see in the world, it always reflects back to our own mind and vice versa.

That’s why it’s imperative to have a willingness and actual ability to investigate and sort out my own beliefs, judgements, delusions, because that is how I really discover myself and the world, that’s how I decide what’s real and what is bullshit.

We like it or not, there are a LOT of things humans in general do not yet comprehend in this world.

Remnants of ancient civilizations – total mystery, people have ideas and beliefs about what happened, but there are so many – and most people ignore these, because there is no ‘mainstream opinion/proof’, so until that it’s just controversial. Someone else to figure it out. Or based on some interest, promote something, what’s maybe real.

How much those things are really relevant in my own individual life, process of self-honesty? That’s the practical question one has to answer as well.

Or the flat-earthers, they are consistently sharing these articles and videos to prove why the earth is flat, the sun is very close and they are obviously pissed off that nobody believes them, they feel cheated, lied to and humiliated with the world, the system, the government, science, because they feel they know the truth and most people don’t or don’t care. How much that is relevant?
Unless I am working with satellites, weather, or within the hello: ‘space’ industry; how much of my every day life is influenced by the possibility that earth is not a sphere-like space rock, but something else?

I had my own crusades about several of so called controversial topics, according to drugs and spirituality, because when one day I’ve realized that how I lived, what to I’ve built my experiences, culture and personality – it was based on self-deception, thus I had to let it go. For some it’s more difficult to give up, to acknowledge that ‘I was wrong’. For me it is no problem if I was wrong, but right now to be wrong with the knowledge that it might not be real, relevant or common sense, that would be more self-dishonest than to just change.

When with desteni support I was able to figure out myself of how I was deceiving myself with the spirituality and drugs, I’ve felt compelled to expose all the gurus and masters, anything relating to mantras and chakras as total distraction.

Because it did not work for me.
Because I’ve realized that my starting point with them was self-dishonest, therefore I assumed that anyone and everyone participating within spirituality are equally self-deceivers by default.

Maybe not, maybe yes, I do not know that for certain, but the methods, the symbolism: for me it’s obvious how and why it’s flawed, I understand it now, I can word and explain it, I can see the points where I’ve recouped it with hopes, beliefs – therefore I am not interested in participating in these things at all. Also I have responsibility to share my realizations, because that might support others too realize the same mistakes I’ve made.

And it’s quite tricky, because if someone repeats mantras for hours, of course it will have an effect, accumulating energy, expectation, the sound vibration, the set and setting becomes also relevant. But it’s like trying to have a medical operation of my eyes through my bottom(from the silly movie parody called Hot Shots, they call it multiopiloptomy).
Especially tricky if I do not understand how my mind’s energy-house-holding works – I might just feed my mind with energy to be able to balance shit out and I feel more calm, but under the carpet, still the same, I do not have to radically change, to face my self-dishonesties directly, for instance addictions, not taking responsibility, being untrustworthy for myself and my partner or my boss, to make actual difference in the world, no, I just have to repeat 111.111 mantras and it will have effect, good karma and while doing it I will have insights.
For me this is now not direct and honest enough.

I’d rather ask myself and answer directly about things, points, problems, solutions. No need for magical vibrations, I have voice, I have words already. That I am here to live.

When I go to a shop, I don’t use mantra to get food, I use words. When I communicate with my partner on solving a conflict, I use words again, and if I want to stand out in front of the crowd to share support on how to transcend the mind, again and eventually always: I use words. So why not work with that directly? Common sense.

When I actually do something, I do it with my human physical body, so it’s also common sense to make it home, my starting point, my temple, my presence – without allowing interference from my mind of fear, of overwhelming and distracting emotions, regardless of positive or negative, which is just relative to my own interest, even if it’s projected onto something or someone, it’s still MY interest. But who I am is not just me, but equally is in the rest too. So it’s also common sense to consider all participants of the given system as equals, thus manifesting what is best for all. But it’s going to be damn difficult if I rely to spiritual practices and energetic experiences to ground myself and become consistent and constant within my direction and presence. Rather write down the words, investigate the words, let go of not supporting definitions, associations of words, re-define words and live them directly, so then no need to doubt, fear, complicate or judge, just directly live.

Maybe there was a time in world history when chakras and these spiritual things did have more effect on reality, the minds, but nowadays it’s just through the mind consciousness system, people’s beliefs, convictions, self-persuasions.

That is what I have investigated, tested, realized, lived. But I would not want to persuade anyone that I am right or others are not. Time will tell everything. Manifested consequences too. As Bernard Poolman stated:

There is no such thing as truth, only denial of what is here.

I went into more details with this point to share that how I take on practical approach with common sense on a point, instead of feelings and reactions. But the same principle can be applied to other controversial – or in fact any kind of topic.

I only can share as much as I can about my process, what I have experienced, seen, realized and why – then if anyone has better angle, then share it with me, I am absolutely open for re-evaluating my entire life. And everyone should be.

Another controversial topic to reflect back on self-leadership – writing some details so some conspiring dudes or dudettes can relate with: Investigating 9/11 was an inside job or it’s a hoax, was there aeroplane hijacking or planned demolition, temperature of the airplane fuel versus the melting point of reinforced steel or mossad agents versus found saudi passports – those the points people can argue about and it’s never ending. What that actually would imply about ‘our own’ – in fact USA – government is terrifying about how far leadership can justify to go in order to follow their agenda, to keep balance of their insanely unbalanced budget, the mysterious disappearance of massive amount of money. The downstream total destruction of an other country, accusations of weapons of mass destructions, oil industry, weapon industry, drug industry, media industry, we like it or not, these questions are maybe relevant.

And if I investigate from SELF – I can ask – why is there leadership, why there are people not wanting to be responsible, why need control, anarchy, war or peace, what those actually mean versus what I think or feel about.
How am I not living my potential, not living LEADERSHIP as I could be, how I am following, obeying, expecting and accepting instead of initiating, directing, planning, anticipating, moving? That is where I should start, not blaming the president or the banks. If I do not like it, I should show a better way, I should be part of the solution, I should join politics then and change by living as an example of my definition of good. That’s self-honest. That is the way forward. Not protesting and burning cars on street, whistling at public speeches or trolling and cursing online. Anyone does that – stating the obvious – they accept their powerlessness. But it’s still way to change, starting self here:

What’s relevant here for me in my real life is to reflect these kind of events back to self:

What is terror in my own life, how am I terrorizing myself, my environment and family, what is my own mind-authority and how and when and why it steps in to simply overrule another initiative within me, for instance having an idea about helping that weak man on the road, but then I would think, “What my cool and rich friends would think of me, and anyway I might become dirty while helping him, and he is maybe stinky as well, and anyway, he already survived up to this day, he will be fine, I do not have change, only using credit card”.

Not saying that to give some coins would actually make the world to a better place, but if I have these inner dialogues/frictions, that’s also my responsibility to unify myself about, not accepting any conflict of opposing interests.
It is maybe difficult to have absolute clarity about something, but this should not mean we just give it up – but then I have to be able to change, when I see that I was wrong.

And once I am able to see through my own internal battles, when I am not going into emotional war within when being triggered with a more intense experience, news, condition, but I can stand within clarity, being able to question everything I think, feel, say and do, then I am becoming able to stop self-dishonest patterns I discover, then I can also stop acting/living out those self-dishonesties and change becomes reality.

But if I have these emotional storms, reactions, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity issues WHILE full blown ‘investigating’ these controversial topics, I might just find what I want to be found, I might bend the information to my own distorted perception.

Instead of judging wars in the world and get emotional, angry or sad, to ask myself – how I am waging war within myself in the first place? What do I resist, fight, want to win, dominate, eradicate, exterminate within with force?
That’s why SELF process is first, not because selfishness is the way – it’s the exact opposite actually. I take responsibility and it can only start with self, otherwise anything else I try to accomplish will be biased with the already accepted and allowed self-dishonesty within.

Self-forgiveness is an awesome self-supporting tool, which is simple, direct and free process to apply.

It encourages to become detail-oriented, by writing/typing it, I slow down, thus emotions do not tend to overwhelm that quickly.
Also supports with humility, to see, that in a simple conversation how many self-dishonesty I can accept, so then I understand that it’s pointless to blame anyone, but to ensure first that I stand within clarity and no influence of any fear, blame or anger.

I dare to give myself a chance, and many state that it’s not their way, style, method – I also never would have thought that this is what I am going to apply for years – this can be more tough sometimes, when realizing some nasty shit within me I covered up with excuses and thus failing with something constantly, but that’s also an indication that I am walking through resistances, limitations.

Also I’ve shouted wolf so many times about what’s real, what’s the solution, the source of best coolness in the world with various methods, groups, techniques, but Self-forgiveness is the most awesome and effective awareness tool I’ve ever encountered and this is what I stand for since almost ten years and still so much to learn and unlearn, discover and change.

At EQAFE, I was able to listen through a LOT of controversial topics, as its being explained in a style, which is like just listening to someone sitting near to me and it’s mind-blowing and also liberating, not only to understand things I always wanted to know, but when I try to apply those supporting points I’ve heard, no matter the topic, I can.

Thus I strongly recommend to check out EQAFE for a new type of library of understanding. https://eqafe.com

For trying out, understanding Self-forgiveness, the mind, consciousness, thoughts, emotions, and how to deal with those and take responsibility for: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com