Day 426 – Driving self-forgiveness – free flow


Anna is driving my rental in Sweden 😉

Continuing with driving and self-forgiveness – at the moment I do not drive, my car is a bit far away for now, so it is definitely a great opportunity to review this aspect of mine.

Previous posts in this topic:

No particular topic this time, just going with the flow, even if it means repeating some self-forgiveness topics from previous posts.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when someone drives very slowly in the city in front of me, when there is no one in front of them because feeling like I am being blocked to go with the efficiency I got used to it and not realizing that I do not know what’s really going on with the person(s) in that car thus my frustration is only exerting my ignorance and inability to remain present with consideration of all and in fact becoming frustrated to my own powerlessness projected out so then I do not need to take responsibility or recognize that I can stop it if I really want, but deciding not to without knowing why.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when I can’t go with the speed limit and people are behind me waiting for me to go faster or get out of the way because defining myself as responsible making others getting frustrated and angry and not realizing that I am projecting out to my self-judgement to others – regardless of the fact that if they are frustrated or angry or not – instead of realizing that if they indeed are frustrated or angry, that is their own process and self-honesty point to realize and take responsibility for.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel peer pressure to speed when everyone in the traffic in front of me and behind me as well going faster than I would like to or I can and within that pressure being tempted to give in and trying to go faster than it is comfortable and safe for me/my car(go)/my passengers.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is the the minimum level of participating within driving in traffic is that I do not get agitated, frustrated, angry, being influenced by peer pressure in any way whatsoever and not realizing that it is my primary responsibility to always stop myself reacting and then to re-align with presence, clarity, discipline and practical common sense in application, no matter what, unconditionally, always.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in an erratic, unpredictable way on the road when driving among other vehicles on the road, as there is always a chance that someone else around me acts the same way and then it can become dangerous.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever become overconfident of my driving abilities, my current driving conditions in any given moment by the desire and hope for being defined as good, better than who and how I am, just to prove to myself or others that I am better than I am actually am in that given moment, thus risking safety – instead of always being open to admit that in that given moment I should stop driving to rest, to replenish, to wait for the bad road/traffic/weather conditions to be gone or to fix my car’s conditions to be safe again.
  • I forgive myself that I have ever overriding a safety discipline while driving for any reason, especially emotional reactions, such as frustration, anger, impatience, annoyance; by realizing that one second irresponsible action can be enough for irreversible, fatal disaster.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear from making mistakes during driving because of something I am not sure about, I am sure I am not good with, I am uncertain that it is acceptable for safe driving – instead of giving into the emotional reaction, spending time within this powerlessness state of emotional energetic mind-spiraling, I ACT IMMEDIATELY with consideration of my surroundings to safely stop and re-align, if needed, with the car, literally, pulling aside with indicator lights and taking responsibility for the fear – meaning if I fear of car would slip with this speed, I slow down extensively with considering other cars and safety – if I fear that someone, another car around me behaving dangerously, to pull aside, to let them go gently, if the car itself proves to be not in great condition, to significantly reduce speed, if needed with blinking emergency light without any self-judgment or self-definition as reminding myself to my initial and always primary commitment: safety is first, always.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get into emotional, angry, mind-power possession, wherein I want to ‘teach’ others on the road, to give them lesson, because they do not behave the way I define as good, and within that becoming the bully, the aggressor, which I always wanted to avoid to encounter – instead of that, I live patience, consideration and responsibility.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that if I become too confident on the road, or if I ever communicate with others ‘personally’ on the road during driving, that someone would become possessed and wanting to try to attack me or my car, so thus I always should be ready to protect myself, to have self-defensive tools/weapons at my disposal in all times in my car, just to be sure that if needed, I can protect myself, my car and my passengers – as I have seen on the internet, people becoming really aggressive and to realize that all I can do is to behave with consideration of all as giving as I would like to receive and if indeed, anytime I would encounter such possessed, the first responsibility of mine is to stay calm, collected and present to assess the situation to be able to apply common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about things during driving what I accept to keep thinking about, for instance, because of my car is older, then there is high chance that the wheel would break with high speed, yet instead of checking it, replacing it, just allowing this thinking, worry to escalate to distraction, to delusion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that just because my car is one of the safest cars based on independent tests, believing that I am invincible and I would not be harmed if crashed, meanwhile not realizing that the reality is that any and all crashes, even with very low speed, like 40 km/h can be extremely and fatally dangerous, and also not realizing that although my car might be safe and strong, having a lot of airbags, yet who I would crash with, might have very weak and unsafe vehicle, thus I would cause injury or fatality, thus always consider safety and other cars as well.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project delusional safety to cars based on stereotypes and statistics, while not realizing that any vehicle can have flaws, or structural integrity weaknesses due to age, previous crashes, or simply by not being lucky, as physics do not mess around, tons of metal is moving with very high torque and velocity, which can crush humans like a watermelon, thus:
  • When and as I think that a car is safe, would protect passengers from crash and based on that to make decisions on how I should drive, how fast I should go – I realize that ANY and ALL crash can be extremely dangerous, lethal and tragic, thus it is my primary responsibility to avoid crash.
  • When and as I am in an emergency situation wherein about to crash and not being able to avoid it, I remain calm, collected, present and taking breath fully while considering how much time I have to do anything or simply brace myself – to see if I can avoid crashing into another car, even if it means to damage or wreck my car as safety and life is more important than machine.
  • When and as I worry that I can not react quickly within any given driving situation, I slow down, no matter what, even if it means that I will arrive to my destination late, or it would make me or my passengers more uncomfortable, period.
  • When and as I would justify to speed with the risk of losing control of my car, meaning not being able to stop when anything happens and need to stop to avoid crash/accident, I simply take my foot away from the throttle without a thought, if needed, applying brake as well without any reaction, naturally.
  • When and as I start driving, I make sure that breaks do work, testing it is my first responsibility when starting to drive as anything can happen with the brake system while the car is stationary, even if my car is a specific type which has under-protective plate, or even if the car was in a garage, or if the car is new, or if the car was just inspected recently – I only trust facts and real time check.
  • When and as I am about to drive, I always assess my condition, mentally, emotionally, physically, my eyesight, my tiredness, my hydration, my feet and hands, my reaction-time, my reflexes, my ability to apply common sense and safety, to abide traffic rules, am I intoxicated, am I fully present and if any of those is not here with me, I do not drive, I refuse to drive, I commit myself to not drive until these conditions are met.
  • When and as I do not trust the car I am about to drive or driving currently, having suspicion that it might not be reliable for safe and responsible driving, I do check it, I do stop, and if I can not make it truly reliable, I do not drive it, period.
  • When and as I worry that I drive too closely to a car in front of me, it is because I am driving too closely, thus I slow down and create big enough distance so that when that car suddenly slows down, stops, I can surely avoid collision, even if it means I can not ‘make’ the other to go faster or move out of the way.
  • When and as I want to show off to my passengers or people alongside the road or being in the traffic, I realize it is because I have insecurity and doubt and this will not really solve that, only could stimulate me into a temporally mind-state, where I feel good, inflated and powerful, but eventually it will fade and I will be more accustomed and get used to the habit to do it again as an expression of giving up on self-trust and self-honesty; therefore I take responsibility to trust myself and my commitment that all I need is responsible and safe driving.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blindly trust my car, just because it has proven to be safe, powerful and reliable for years, even if I make sure that any issue I always get fixed, even if always following my professional, proven mechanic’s advice, even if I face some challenging situation wherein I already have experience with overcoming it; I trust myself and facts only, as cars can deteriorate, situations can be different as they seem, I also can be influenced by mind-patterns or constructs, thus always to ensure safety and common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my car’s tires will not get puncture, just because I always take care of the tires, buying the best quality, inspecting them regularly – as these products can still fail basically at any given moment, thus to realize – I only can trust in myself, here meaning – to do all I can within common sense to prevent failure and to remain present.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the car what I drive, meaning to push it to it’s limits constantly, to not consider engine and it’s oil not yet warmed up and pushing it, to drive it on roads what can damage it, to drive it to trappy offroad without consideration, even when the car is rental, or not mine or certainly I could get away with it – thus basically abusing it based on a mind-possession – without taking responsibility.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get fond of a car too much, literally getting emotionally attached by the projected values, opportunities, freedom, value, prestige, price or anything I define it to be – so then making decisions not based on common sense and practicality but of emotional self-interest without realizing that I am accumulating consequences what I will certainly regret when looking back.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into peer pressure of surrounding society that how a car should be, what kind of it should be, what age it should be – as for instance in the country I live, any car older than 5 years is considered as very old and should be sold and believing that this is who I also should adjust to, just because of perceiving that others also do – and not simply applying practical common sense in relation to safety, financial and practical considerations.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself what freedom represents to me in relation to car and driving, which is the ability to any time ‘escape’ a situation by travelling away, to be able to just sit in and drive, or to be able to visit other places, go shopping without any hassle, to feel powerful while driving, to feel protected while sitting in it, to feel comfortable as having awesome seats and listening to great music while, to see great vistas and explore beautiful nature – and to realize – car is just a tool, self-definition is self-limitation and thus the way is to establish self-agreement and to live self-honesty without compromise in all moments equally.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget or disregard safety while driving through areas where people live, where houses are, where agriculture work is in progress, where animals are around/on the road, where road conditions are not optimal, and going faster than common sense dictates – instead of breathing and bringing myself here and to realize and manifest: safety first.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss my car when it is not with me, not in the vicinity of me, when I can’t sit into it and drive in any given moment, when I can’t just go anywhere I wish to be at; – thus feeling vulnerable and powerless, instead of realizing that car is a tool, anything I project onto it is self-definition and can become self-limitation which only I can forgive, stop and transcend.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become narrow-minded and judgmental about any other cars what are not the same type or having at least same capabilities as my car, which can not go offroad, can’t go fast on highway, which is not as comfortable, safe as mine, which is not as reliable as mine, etc – and to develop a superiority by what ‘item’ I possess as basically it is that.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get emotionally attached to my car so then projecting values to it what are in fact within me, of me, and not realize that as I acquired this sort of value, object, item in this world, I also can do it again if that’s what I really want; and when the time comes that spending on this car versus getting another, new one, so then I can remain reasonable and practical, considerate and logical about when it is time to get rid of it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a dislike, almost a despise towards cars what are not as powerful as I got accustomed to, because feeling like I can not express myself as freely with those, because they are not as comfortable, fast, safe or good looking and not realizing that it is self-limitation, as there is always place to apply common sense in practicality and based on that making decisions of when, what and how I should drive.

Ok, so this blog series is focusing on aspects of self-honesty and overcoming self-limitations, yet this video channel have provided me a lot of insights on how to approach driving more effectively and safely; basically a System of Car control:

And here to start with this:

I highly recommend to check out the other videos on this channel, IF:

  • you are not entirely certain of how to drive safely
  • you want to become better driver
  • you want to be able to review and adjust your(self) during driving
  • you want to just have more fun with more awareness during driving

This guy is an instructor for ambulance and police drivers, where it is crucial to be able to drive dynamically yet safely – It is a skill, what can be improved with study and practice and it is every driver’s responsibility to make sure they do not cause accidents or they can minimize harm when it is unavoidable.

At least once to watch the first videos already can help to understand his ‘System’, because it is definitely supporting to be more present and directive, I can guarantee. Of course, some do figure out and develop similar skills by themselves, but it’s quite alright if not, because there are great teachers out there.

I was doubtful and worrisome when started to drive and that’s why committed to keep actively learning, even after having license and being able to drive around normally.

Also there are specific courses, designed to help learn driving in extreme conditions, such as icy/snowy winter, where one can go and learn their own, and their car’s behavior, so then can make it as natural expression to get out of trouble when that occurs. Highly recommended.

On his website there is also a book available, haven’t read myself but seems very supportive.

So I write this last section, just to show, that self-forgiveness and understanding, process of SELF is essential, but that only unlocks the commitment and ability to LIVE those words.

Thanks – thanks;

take care, enjoy!



Day 425 – Driving self-forgiveness – posing


 Focus ST rental from 2018

Continuing with decomposing all mind-patterns or constructs regarding to driving car.

Previous posts in the topic:

Let’s jump into the middle with the word: POSING

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose when driving car, meaning to want to look cool, sound cool, to care about how I am being judged by others and based on that to judge myself and not realizing this whole process is only me, existing and staying in my mind, even when pretending that I care about how others perceive and judge me, in fact, from the starting point, I try to control and manipulate the image and likeness of me based on my own judgments, definitions, convictions and beliefs.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be defined as cool based on the starting point of insecurity and doubt, and actually making myself believe that what others think and react about me really matters and based on that to determine how cool I am, without realizing that to desire to be cool means I believe I am not cool by default and within that never questioning why or how I ended up staying like this.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced in any way whatsoever of what car I drive, how I drive, how my car looks, how powerful it is, how clean and shiny it, how good I drive, how efficiently I maneuver, how fast I go, how many kilometers I can drive, so then I can judge myself based on my prejudice and self-definitions, thus I can stimulate and manipulate myself into mind-states I find comfortable to exist within.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when my car is dirty for more than days, because defining myself not being mature, serious, reliable, responsible, respectful and starting to feel bad until I am deciding to clean it or pay others to clean it.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about my car being clean, defining it to be great, automatically feeling good when getting compliments from others about it being clean although not admitting that it matters, feeling like showing example of how to take care of one’s car, thus from self-defined rookie driver to stand out.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about how clean my car is when it works well, but whenever it is having an issue, not so much anymore, because then defining like if it is questionable of how much it can serve it’s primary purpose, then the whole being clean feels good does not matter anymore, and thus revealing that I only clean it because of the projected value I define; instead of simply applying common sense on how much I should keep it clean.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like raising the volume of my music listened in my car, which I define as cool, and lowering the windows around others, so then they can hear how cool music I listen to, so then I can project out that they react with defining me cool, so then based on that can define myself indeed cool.
  • I forgive myself that in any way whatsoever falling into the specific trap of self-definition, as two or more in my name, such as I feel cool, someone else makes me feel cool, thus then I feel my original feel validated and ‘manifested in reality’ – so then I can start really believing that I am cool.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize the reason why I care about feeling cool so much, and not remembering that in elementary and high school, I felt awkward and lost within social interactions, defining others, who can express themselves without problem, who are being popular, who can afford to buy trendy and expensive clothes, things, gadgets, and defining that and them to be cool, at the same time comparing myself as not being able to express myself, afford such things, as not cool enough, and therefore defining myself as not cool and never really working through these layers of self-definitions since.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of judgments of others as not being cool, fear of being rejected, excluded, although if I really look at it, in fact I was always quite alright to stand on my own, to do what I enjoy and to actually not really bother of what others think when I am rested, quiet within, yet punishing and suppressing myself for no reason and not facing this point, eact trigger points with awareness and commitment to let go with specificity and practical plan.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fit into society as defining myself living on the fringe, being different, not identifying myself with the values society priorities and at the same time defining myself as cool because of it, yet sometimes, when not being in balance, quiet within, self-trusting, to fall into the desire to be accepted and respected, loved and cared for.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only real acceptance, respect, love and care I can find in this existence is self-acceptance, self-respect, self-love and self-care, which is only real if it’s practical, walk-able and by actions can be accumulated, thus resulting into self-trust and self-honesty.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that posing is an indication of not living words of self-honesty, self-acceptance and self-trust, and thus re-alignment is the common sense approach to let go this obsession of self-definition and judgment mind-games.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that even with the self-accepted habit of having tendency to fall into the act of posing I am always aware that it is fake, hollow and meaningless distraction mind-stimulation from the fact that I do not dare to have the courage to establish self-trust and self-honesty to live in every moments equally, unconditionally.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that the only way to self-liberate myself from the layers of the mind is to work through each of them with awareness, specificity, common sense and a practical action plan, which I understand and enjoy doing so.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pose when being at gas/petrol station, to want to seem serious and mature, at the same time open for fun, thus focusing on acting my movements to try to look cool, cooler than I accept to define myself to be automatically, for instance when doing all the things people do at gas stations, to try to look like I have done this so many times, even when doing something I never did before, for instance using a service I never did before, just because of the worry of being judged as rookie and inexperienced, which I definitely was when started to drive, yet since then acclaimed so much experience, that this whole act of posing is simply an indication of regressing myself into my mind, wherein I did not yet faced and transcended my self-definitions and fears of judgment of others, which is fear of not being able to transcend self-judgment.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-judgment is something I need to be self-honest about, absolutely, so whenever discovering participating within it, through comparison, projection, expectation, desire or resistance, it is my responsibility to STOP and re-align, forgive and change for real.

That’s it for now, will be continued, thanks for reading

Day 424 – Self-forgiveness – speed energy

P1010113Continuing with the driving mind patterns.

It really assists to write these points down – some of them I have ‘already realized’ – yet with this sort of substantiation, it is supporting to become more aware of the specifics, the circumstances, conditions, trigger points, so I will see the patterns, the behavior I see needing to adjust before ‘falling into’.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define driving car as being adult, responsible and thus when doing it, joining ‘serious society’ thus defining myself to be grownup and cool and at the same time defining people(including myself) when not driving as not mature, grownup, cool and responsible and thus projecting more into this than what’s real and not realizing what I am compensating with this, which is the desire to be respected and appreciated.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not respect and appreciate myself and thus needing to compensate it as it exists within me as lacking, and then wanting to seem more than who I experience myself to be and thus going to this journey of inflating self-image based on judgments, feelings and desires.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define myself to be cool when driving car safely and effectively, and at the same time defining myself to be not as cool when not driving or not having the ability to drive car and not realizing that what happens here is that I am compensating what I feel lacking, here to be cool.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why I do not feel myself cool enough at the first place and needing to do and experience things what I define making me more cool and not realizing that it is mind-inflation, being not real and building a sand-castle in my head, becoming delusional.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized why I define myself not cool and good enough, which is that I am not consistently present, clear within and effective within self-expression and consistent self-movement and because of that, judging myself as not good enough and not realizing that I am focusing to this judgment, reaction, emotion, instead of establishing practical self-grounding here with effective breathing and self-honest application through writing, self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-corrective and self-commitment statements to prepare and apply myself the realizations I discover.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined cars based on my values – projections of potentials and capabilities of them and whenever driving a car not meeting the expected abilities I define as great, then defining myself not as good and great as I could be with a car what is actually more capable.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, of who I am based on my possessions, the objects I get and use, the car I can drive and automatically defining myself not so cool or cool based on if the car meets my expectations and ‘standards’ or not and not realizing that who I am is LIFE with and as all and thus whenever accepting self-definitions about or towards cars, I am not looking at what should be priority, which is self-honesty and effectiveness, which might relates to the car I drive, might not.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define how good a car is based on how easily and quickly I can take over and leave other cars behind, based on my current economical budget and allowing to be self-defined based on what car I can have access to.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to mesmerize and delude myself with the reactions and judgments to the car I am driving and based on that defining who I am, how cool, effective and safe I am on the roads and not realizing when it is purely personal preference, self-interest, conviction and opinion.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as cool when I feel or can judge myself as more effective, safe, fast than others on the road.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define speeding (going faster than allowed speed limit) as cool and bad ass and without that not seeing much point driving as not being stimulated with the velocity and coolness.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go faster when other cars are around me on the road just to experience and feel faster than them, and slowing down when there is no one around me, without even realizing that I only go faster just to feel better as defining it great.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go faster and drive ‘dynamically’, because then I am being stimulated by the self-definition of being awesome and knowing that I really need to have heightened attention to remain safe, otherwise I would be driving just as other drivers, with consistent speed at the legal limit, which I defined as boring, monotonic and and not cool.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define going with consistent speed at legal limit as boring, mundane, not stimulating, and thus worrying that I would fall asleep, although I am aware of that it is not true and also not realizing that I do not need to drive with consistent speed at the legal limit all the time, but to choose speed based on common sense and consideration of my, traffic, road and car conditions.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I do not have self-agreement on how I drive, what is my limit, then I have more tendency to drive by reaction involuntarily thus not realizing when compromising safety and consideration of all participants around here.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined being not so cool when I am driving with speed limit while someone comes faster and takes over and I feel like I should join the speeding just because being more cool, because defining that the more faster people can go without causing any accident, the more capable and cool they are.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I do not feel cool while driving because of not speeding, I am falling back to automatically defining myself as being not good enough, because that was the case in my past, when I started to drive and did not know myself, driving, the roads, my car, traffic enough and I was going slower than the speed limit and since then have not yet released this default state of ‘not being good enough’-ness, so then to anytime letting that negative judgment, reaction, experience go, I need to stimulate myself to feel better, by proving to myself and others that I can do better.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to show off while driving to others of how cool I am, how great my skills are and how awesome my car is, even though it is not a sport car, I am not on a race track, yet can go real fast, thus being able to release the experience of not being good, not being good enough – instead of realizing that I can mark this initiative, original experience of not being good enough by becoming aware of the trigger points and whenever the moment would come to that where I would fall into this experience, so then I would need to go faster, then I simply breathe through, not participating, re-writing my beingness with letting this go until it is really gone.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to prove to myself and then thus projecting that to others as then I would experience, define, judge others reacting to me, judge, define me as going fast, thus I would be able to judge my projected judgment the way that I can manipulate myself to feel good, especially when encountering cars, drivers going fast, so I feel the need to also go faster automatically.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use all available tools at my disposal to get away with speeding, which is considered as not legal, thus when caught, can pay high penalty and/or eventually losing my driving licence and when getting away with it, defining it to be completely normal and acceptable automatically, instead of always considering each occasion within it’s unique situation to see if it’s really reasonable with practical, responsible common sense to go faster in that moment.
  • That’s it for now, so these were realizations during my last trip and it is supportive to write down and substantiate to remember and thus to prevent being influenced by reactions and judgments, definitions of how I drive, in particular how fast I go.
  • To be honest, driving faster a bit sometimes I am still sure that it is fine, when every precaution and safety is applied, for instance when taking over other cars, I often see that it is best to get it done quickly as to be safe on the road also means not to spend time too close to other cars, as often seeing obviously capable cars taking over other cars, and the maneuver takes a lot of time, so in those cases, when it’s safe, to just do it firmly and quickly.
  • Another reason I used to justify to speed when a lot of cars go with the same speed and they, probably unconsciously, form a convoy, and they follow each other with not enough distance in between, so anyone of them getting into accident, the others might not have enough time or ability to avoid ‘joining’ the accident.

Of course, it also can become the patterns described below, thus becoming stimulation, mind fuck, which I finish this self-forgiveness flow with today:

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define empowering and cool when taking over other cars quickly, meaning with speeding, not just doing the maneuver in some seconds but like a snap, just to feel how fast I am in comparison to the other car, especially feeling great when the car seems powerful, thus then feeling me more powerful in the moment.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I feel compromised when I do not drive at least with the speed limit, for instance to avoid becoming part of an ‘unconscious’ convoy, not keeping the safety distance between me and the cars in front of or behind me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and becoming frustrated when someone is in my tail, feeling them to be too close, thus feeling not safe as whenever I would need to break hard, or my car would suddenly stop due to anything from malfunction to human error, they would not be able to avoid collision into me from behind and within that frustration losing discipline, presence, direction, common sense but to start getting worked up and eventually doing something erratic to make the other person stop doing that.
  • I forgive myself that I have not allowed to realize that it is the same when I tailgate someone and probably the same way feels bad to the person who I am doing it to, as I feel when someone else does that to me and also not understanding that everyone can react differently and some people indeed have less ability to deal with this pressure and thus becoming frustrated, worked up and thus making erratic, safety-compromising maneuver, and within that me being responsible to bully others into dangerous behavior.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only being patient for so long when trying to take over and go faster cars in front of me going slower than me, and eventually feeling like that I have given enough time for them to respond nicely, yet they did not, so now I need to apply more obvious communication of what I want, even going to the point of starting to pressure them with high beam and/or tailgating and feeling justified because I have given enough chance and now it is okay to make them uncomfortable – and unsafe – to do what I want them to do, as the justification to be that they do not follow the same ‘road etiquette’ as me — instead of always considering safety and the principle of ‘do onto others as wanting them to be done to by them’.

So that’s about self-forgiveness for now on this topic of speeding and power-mind-games energetic possessions.

  • When and as I feel that am getting stimulated and excited about driving fast, I re-align within and let go this feeling, the need for experiencing being cool, great, better- I breathe and I realize that I only have this life as who I am today and also how uncool it would be if I would cause accident or fatality to others with my irresponsible behavior, just to feel something in my mind; instead of taking full responsibility of my actions unconditionally.
  • When and as I define people, their vehicle on the road as less cool than me, my car, I stop, I let it go and realizing that the most important factor here is safety and do onto others what I would like others to be done to me, and by tons of experiences I am fully aware of how not great it is when someone creates unsafe or aggressive situation towards me.
  • When and as I feel pressured by someone being aggressive with me on the road, wanting me to go faster or move out of the way and I can’t in the moment, I remain calm, collected, present, directive and alerted – I do not budge, I look for opportunities making the situation more safe and actually enjoyable for all participants here.
  • I commit myself to let go the addiction to speed and thrill, excitement and simulation until it’s totally gone from my beingness, my system, my body and my mind so then I can be responsible and effective, reliable and enjoyable so to speak.
  • I commit myself to not compromise safety and to do onto others what I would like to receive during driving just for the thrill or wanting to reduce travel time, so whenever ever noticing that I am not able to stop and avoid collision/accident, I simply let the need to go fast go and let my foot off from the throttle until I am ‘in control’ again. Of course control is always relative, yet always remembering the first rule during driving – if there is some danger/obstacle in front of me, my speed should be chosen that I can stop safely.
    This should be pronounced more, as I really do that when going on country roads and I do not see the road after a curve, or a hill, I let go the speed and approaching with the possibility that I need to stop suddenly.

I am not going to list up all my ‘best practices’ as this blog is not really about that, but the process and re-alignment of SELF to be able to do that.

I will continue with more driving-related patterns to walk through in the next post.
Thanks and have a great day.

Day 423 – Driving self-forgiveness – intro

IMG_5473Recently I was on a longer trip, driving a couple of thousands of kilometers across multiple countries in Europe and seeing some points to clarify, self-forgive, re-define or self-agree about.

In general, as I am only driving since some years, after walked through all my fears and phobias about cars and driving with self-forgiveness and actual change, I have been able to grow extensively within driving experience and in general skills, yet it is always room for improvement within SELF and driving technique application.

Facing fears, phobias, resistances, addictions? EQAFE is really supportive to walk through and overcome those, that was also my key support here as well, I can’t recommend it enough.

So. I’ve got a fairly powerful, safe, comfortable and reliable car some time ago, easily can take over most of the highway traffic without much effort and that can give all kinds of reasons to judge or react when I can or can’t go fast, but my initial and still standing commitment is still present, which is:

I do not accept and allow compromise on safety, although it is often out of our hands when entering huge traffic as things can happen so fast or there is simply no way to avoid an imminent threat when someone else makes big mistakes.

That is why it’s even more important to make sure that from SELF it is clear and always obvious what I can and can’t, what I should and should not do without any thinking process.

In general, thinking is quite an inferior way to figure out the best decision to make, especially while driving, because it takes so much time, distracts from being present here and it’s always limited based on my past memories, experiences, conclusions, convictions, beliefs, hopes and fears. That is why it’s simply unacceptable to try to think while driving car in general. I’d compare it to daydreaming, so it’s a big NO for me to allow myself to not being present here. Of course, it can be alright if I direct myself through my mind to figure out what I have to do next, like appointment, shopping, do I need to rest, replenish – but only if it’s acceptable to ‘leave reality’ for a moment, no more – otherwise I am starting to compromise my commitment for safety.

That’s how self-agreement comes handy and it is also about knowing and understanding self, tendencies to fall into temptations for positive or negative emotional reactions, so then I immediately recognize the pattern and apply the re-alignment to get back HERE, where I am driving in and as the physical reality.

Let’s walk this, word by word, forgiving – giving for self an opportunity to understand why and how I am who I am today and to see what I can optimize in accordance of all participants in my reality.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into reactions, positive feelings, excitement and thrills during driving to the point of being influenced, distracted or overwhelmed, thus impairing my decision-making, driving skills to keep being able to apply safety just for experience over facts and physical reality here.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react or in any way exert any negative emotion during driving, such as frustration, anger or blame to the point of distraction or obstruction – instead of seeing the seeds of reaction and preventing myself to give power to it/to react/to focus to my reaction/to spend time in the flames of emotions and thus distracting myself from applying practical common sense and maximum possible safety.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, angry and blaming when I can’t go as fast as I can or I want on the road with car due to other participants of the traffic, especially when I see ways people could be more considerate and respectful for my visible or invisible wish to go faster and not realizing that everyone has their own conviction, perception and judgment system, thus it is literally not personal when I am being blocked and whatever I feel, it is only me doing it, thus I also have the power and opportunity to stop myself reacting by understanding the specificity and consequence.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I define and judge people as not good enough on the road, highway(motorway, autobahn, etc), who do not follow the same guidelines, rules, etiquette as myself, because defining that to be the best and thus anyone not acting according to that, defining them as they are less efficient, effective, considerate by my definition of good, therefore also empowering the superiority pattern and not realizing that it renders me less considerate, present and directive and in general also becoming less disciplined, safe and enjoyable for myself and my passengers, other participants of the traffic.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized when I have became a bully, an aggressor on the road by pressuring people to give way when I feel right to do so, basically, whenever they can apparently give way by moving from the inner lane to the outer, yet they do not do that, so then I feel that I need to find a way to make them move away and not realizing that in this situation I am bound to keep doing this pressure until I am able to take over and continue to go faster and not realizing that I do not care about the other person, everyone in that car, the traffic, safety and in general becoming tube-minded so to speak, only caring about going faster, making the other go faster or give way as soon as possible.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify going faster than the speed limit by declaring myself qualified and my car to be safe and powerful enough to drive fast yet not always considering the possible manifested consequences with practical common sense.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only go fast/faster than the traffic just to feel that I am fast, to feel that I am faster, to have the thrill and excitement, instead of always considering if it’s safe.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to go faster in curvy road to a point of not feeling 100% comfortable and safe with the speed but I need to fully focus to keep the car on the road just to take over slower cars and feel faster and better driver and not considering the risks, not only of myself, but other drivers, who might also react and thus raising the tendency to make mistakes, thus sabotaging absolute safety as pricinple.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that I feel better driving when being able to go a least with a certain amount of speed, even though it is an ‘ideal’ speed and does not reflect the road’s condition, my car’s abilities and my actual skills.
  • I forgive myself that I have defined that any car what can’t go easily faster than the speed limit as inferior and automatically using that as judgment to their drivers/passengers and thus making me feel better by defining others worse and not realizing that this charges energy in my mind and distracts from effectiveness and safety to be applied.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically think and define people driving fast and powerful cars as cool as my desire also being to be defined as such, comparing me to them, feeling superior and not realizing that any superiority is only a sign for a starting point of inferiority, which I disregard, distract myself from and not wanting, needing to face and transcend.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized the initial inferiority I accept and allow within myself in regarding to driving and cars, due to my original fears and phobias and although I never resist now to drive in any condition, the need for superiority exposes this, it’s like I always need to generate points of feeling cool, otherwise I feel slow, mundane, boring, tiresome during driving, not realizing the addiction to stimulation and intensity.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized within driving the ‘go slower, reach farther’, meaning if I do not speed, keep looking forward to look for ways to go faster, to take over, to pressure slower people to get out of the way, to fit through smaller spaces, etc – then I can simply relax and do not get tired as fast, allowing me to drive for more and within that to realize: speed does not matter much on long term, but consistency and presence does.
  • I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get caught on the speed-game when driving to levels wherein literally making my car consume double fuel just to go faster, even when I have time, or when defining I do not have time to actually just use it as excuse to rush into excitement and feel of power by speeding.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that other people can have different starting point, actual way to utilize vehicles and road than me, and to really drive well means to embrace everything about driving, cars, the road, including do not do things to others what I also would not like to be done to.
  • I forgive myself that I have deliberately excluded any environment-pollution-related responsibilities I can have with my vehicle on the roads, just because stating – this is my budget for this, there is nothing I can do about it and going slower does not make too much difference, so why bother – instead of even just to consider ‘ecological footprint’.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized how easily self-interest can be justified by the amount of money one pays for something, then feeling rightful to do that, just because of worked for that money and then living out a sort of definition of ‘freedom’ by using it – with car and travelling especially.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have from time to time the wish to drive, not having an actual destination per say, just to have the driving experience as defining it calm, comfortable, exciting and interesting and at the same time having inner friction about it, suppressing it, giving into it, in general not seeing all the points here and making a decision at once, but to allow to be preoccupied and not digging down to the starting, trigger and manifesting consequence points of this sort of energetic temptation.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand when I drive fast that it seems safe, simply by the physical law’s consideration, there is always risk and I can’t foresee exactly the chance for that.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I drive fast through the inner lane really fast while there are a bunch of cars moving in the outer lane that I am giving trust away to those people, their vehicles that they will not go to the inner/fast lane suddenly, as if they would, there would be easily a fatal accident and thus that’s why it’s always better to first assess those cars, their signs of direction and based on that to select my approach.
  • I forgive myself that I have not realized that even though some trucks are slower than me and my car, they are still driven by humans, they make decisions, they can make mistakes, they can go into mind-reaction, their big vehicle is also subjected to the law of physics, which is simple: big vehicle, big weight, what can crush even the safest car, thus to always be cautious around and making sure they do not need to diviate suddenly because of me.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am better driver than most meanwhile the fact is that when lot of people were asked, 80% stated that they are better than most, which obviously is only a perception and thus always remembering when accepting any reaction, thoughts, judgments about me being better than anyone by simply conviction.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define driving cars what has not been rated one of the top safest cars by tests as inferior and stupid and not realizing the most important factor to safety is the driver.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow impatient when someone keeps blocking me going faster than them, meanwhile they could easily manage to give me way, and within that growing impatience losing awareness to safety and being civilised(do onto others what you would like to be done to you), instead of realizing that is lesser effectiveness as becoming distracted, not realizing, thus for efficiency, to remain at point, focusing to facts here is a better choice.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when people do not care or try to apply the best practical driving ways when being in traffic, with many other vehicles and realizing my only responsibility here is me to remain present, directive, responsible and effective.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people who start to take over in the last moment in front of me the car in front of them when I come faster, thus me needing to slow down big time and then waiting a lot them to do the take over and get out of the way – and not realizing reacting, becoming agitated, frustrated, annoyed or angry is irresponsible, ineffective and immature.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define public roads as free for all, meaning people having more powerful and faster vehicles have more priority and right than those who drive slowly or less powerful cars and not realizing that everyone’s safety is equally important and whenever I would compromise that awareness, I need to stop in my mind, to re-align and focus on responsible, safe driving.

Of course, it really varies between countries, what’s normal, what’s acceptable and what’s safe, so this all is coming from someone living in Europe.

So this is good for a start, opened up some points, will continue with a bit deeper level, wording those feelings and emotions and to see why I accept those without awareness.

There is certainly a superiority-inferiority play as well by going faster than others, so will continue on that.

Another point I can react to in general is around ‘gas station’ – it’s like a tiny world, very specific things people usually do there and I also noticed some personality patterns, behavior, posing, acting out; coming from my mind what seems like an extra layer from simply being here and expressing myself in the moment, because of accepting convictions, desires, worries, etc.

So there is plenty of direction to continue to from now on.


Day 422 – Problems of self-definitions

IMG_6035Continuing with self-communication, self-agreement, self-correction and self-commitment about mistakes, problems and solutions.

Concluding from my last blog:

  • everything having ‘problem’ word in it makes my mind frown
  • everything about ‘making a mistake’ feels like should be avoided at all costs
  • everything more than one clarity in my head makes me hesitate

It’s time to agree on this with common sense

I commit myself to embrace all the problems in the world I am going to face with openness, self-trust and curiosity.

I commit myself to prevent myself to react with worry and perfection addiction when hearing the word ‘problem’ and allow myself to look at it as it is any other things in this world: normal, meaning on every day it is normal to have problems and work with them.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define something as a problem, it is in my head, no matter what’s happening with it in reality – it is to realize, everything is a problem if I want them to be seen as – thus to also realize: I only have problem with problems if I have a problem with problem itself, therefore:

When and as I hear, read, think or realize that there is a problem ahead – I stay calm and realize – problems can be solved, they are no problem at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define problems as huge things what causing me to feel miserable, because worry of what if can’t solve the problem and what if this will have consequence, or what if [I imagine something worst] – and not realizing that is the fear aspect I give space to in my mind, instead of using creative imagination for solution – meaning to only use creative association game to things I am not afraid of, and if I am still afraid – to apply self-forgiveness to the specificity.

For instance:

Fear of manifesting irreversible consequences: it is still a big blob of undefined – that’s what makes fear work – because it’s not defined, not specified.
Once I start listing up specifically all of the fears I usually, in general, or at times I experience – I start to work with them more directly and seeing them as they are – opportunities, challenges.

I forgive myself that I have given permission myself and my mind to fear to some unknown, or imagined scenarios, instead of realizing that fear equals doubt, therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever doubt myself.

Let’s continue on this for now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, on myself, within myself, about myself. Period. I forgive myself for not trusting myself unconditionally, all ways.

This needs to be remembered.

I repeat, just for the sake of physical action of it: it matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself unconditionally, always, regardless of anything.

When and as I make mistakes, screw up, make something not work, fail or get bad – I realize – it is not me who failed, it is not that I should better doubt myself, but rather to realize this as well: it is that within this situation, about this point, I am not as effective as I wished or perceived myself to be, thus there is room for improvement, further understanding and specificity of reality-awareness.

Not that I am perfect and I should trust myself blindly. I trust MYSELF HERE – yet still looking at my skills, reality assessment with practical eyes.

But this to work, I need to be frank with myself all the time – otherwise I would start question and doubt myself.

So this is how to build confidence – specified to actual scenarios in my life where I am struggling with or not even bothering to try myself out at.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get to a state of self-separation wherein I am confused, mixed, conflicted about self-trust and not being clear on how to apply, live and express self-trust, meaning putting trust to points/people where I should not have done that, and not trusting myself, people/things I should have, based on knowledge, conviction, opinion and judgment – basically self-interest.

I commit myself to re-shape and re-define, re-learn and re-establish self-trust based on facts, real understanding of who I am in fact and in potential by being honest with myself on what I am doing and with what I should be more effective.

I commit myself to write down all the skills and aspects of myself I do not trust myself with, to be able to forgive and let them go in order to grow.

I commit myself to establish a self-trust in terms of financial, monetary situation, meaning to be able to deal with money in a way what supports me and others around me, such as having budget and having a plan.

I commit myself to establish self-trust about approaching people and asking favors or things to do and to realize that confidence here is key, such as creativity and honesty as well.

I commit myself to establish self-trust about my work and job, anything coming at me as task or to-do, I embrace and look at it with common sense – immediately self-moving myself from receiving the job to investigating it – without reaction, emotion as realizing those are symptoms of doubt and fear.

I commit myself to trust myself about whenever I need to expand, reach out from my comfort zone socially(talking with new people), professionally(solving new problems at work) or financially(accounting, planning and disciplining myself).

I commit myself to find balanced way to provide myself a healthy and supportive home(including health, shopping, accommodation) with considering money, others and my other commitments about money and self-trust; meaning to find a way to support my body and my process with consideration to my budget.

I commit myself to embrace the fact that if I let go self-interest and fear – I am more clean within and effective towards things to do, because there is no friction within myself and thus I am not preoccupied or distracted from what is here.

I commit myself to continue with self-communication, self-honesty and self-correction.

I commit myself to re-define and re-program myself, whenever the word PROBLEM I experience – to realize that a problem is just another thing in existence with everything else altogether, thus to let go the initial fear and worry of doubt and possibly bad manifested consequences and to focus on practical common sense.

I commit myself to BE the physical body as presence, embodied by the commitment of self-honesty to live in each moment equally – as to realize that real freedom is to be free in and as my own human physical body, meaning no fear, no doubt, but to level with whatever is here in front of me as equal as one and MOVE.

I commit myself to embrace possibility and inevitability of making A mistake, as I already did a lot and I am still here; instead of considering all the ‘best scenarios’ in my mind with all the ‘actual fact’ in reality – and to realize that it is only real what is here, so I specifically commit myself to drop all the fear-based outcome-mind-simulation and focus on WHAT can I DO HERE to apply unconditionally.

I commit myself to ground myself in and as physical, as body, breathing, living flesh here, when I hear or experience the word PROBLEM – as to let go and prevent myself going into reaction automatically – but to re-train myself and to remain present, clear, empty and open.

I commit myself to don’t shy away from curiosity and enjoyment, whenever finding myself in front of a PROBLEM as it means there can be a solution which I can find if I really want, thus to remind myself – at a problem it is up to me how to solve, which is actually cool.

I commit myself to let go all energy, reaction, memory, association, intuition, automatic response and if I see these, I breathe and observe these go while I am re-establishing physical and awareness – PRESENCE here.

I commit myself to take full responsibility for how I behave in regarding to any and all PROBLEMs in this world, and to OWN them as much as I see fit with self-honesty, self-trust and self-enjoyment.

I commit myself to STOP WAITING for energy to appear within me and MOVE ME – I MOVE MYSELF with and as BREATH in and as the PHYSICAL HERE.

I commit myself to STOP trying to ignore energy within me, but rather to look where it’s being created and how and why, as it is ME (t)here creating it, so I also can understand and stop that to give space and opportunity to me to see what’s more I can do than automatically react and judge, define and categorize.

I commit myself to keep accounting about any moments of doubts, visible or not visible(when suppressing, when finding inner conflict, any anxiety, fear not being clear of why and how I accept) – and work with them until they are neutralized, meaning I am here, trigger point being here, yet I do not move, but direct myself according to the specificity of a self-agreement in that situation.

I commit myself to acknowledge and be aware of energetic responses, reactions in my body and mind, yet to follow them without becoming the pattern.
I commit myself to immediately look back to see what I did when I have energetic reaction within myself(body and/or mind), to understand with what I create this energetic reaction, essentially a manifested physical energy consequence of my judgment, separation, self-dishonesty and fear.

I commit myself to stop fearing from making mistakes but to focus on what I am doing and trusting myself that even if I fall, I learn from that.
I commit myself to give extra care and consideration when something I see as potential worry, when it’s about safety or caring for another lives, so then I am really clear on what level of responsibility I’ve given to.

When and as I keep doubting myself, a.k.a ergo not improving with the commitments I make, I return to writing to further self-investigation.

This type of writing is basically gold, as literally can assist to reveal conflicting self and thus being able to work with them to resolve those conflicts.

Conflict – good catch!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflicts as within conflict I allow to react automatically with worry and doubt, because of the memories me being a child with understanding yet no power, nowhere to run, no money to have, not enough understanding of the world and myself, yet I can’t leave, can’t ask for more help, thus simply remembering the memories of me making mistakes, not taking opportunities, thus defining myself based on that, and thus defining myself as someone who makes mistakes, who should doubt himself; instead of realizing that if I give into the doubt and fear, I only focus to the worst, thus not seeing things clearly, therefore also at problems I do not tend their solution but I see the past, what’s already gone – instead of always starting anything with bringing myself here into physical presence and awareness, then to act with common sense.

Day 421 – Suppression and action

PSX_20190527_005358I forgive myself that I have not realized when and how and why I suppress – meaning I do not express, but react in my mind something what with I justify not acting what comes up to do through self-judgement, self-definition and fear and not realizing that the stopping and prevention of this self-dishonesty is specificity and detail-oriented understanding to be able to see the points BEFORE reacting, see the pattern of consequence BEFORE manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to become intimate with myself without resistance and categorization, judgments and polarity and thus not being aware of what I really want due to being overwhelmed to the reactions I keep accepting and allowing, such as desire for more financial stability and freedom yet not changing my current money-related patterns, thus becomes hope, desire and eventually frustration, friction, anger – instead of taking the effort, the time to sit down and design a plan, a structure to work with in reality with consideration of what’s here and what’s possible next.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I judged my sexuality and defining it as inferior and not priority and thus wanting to suppress it, eventually becoming a thing in my head taking over to exert the accumulation of self-neglecting – instead of forgiving the judgment, the ideal image of me and the fear of being judged by myself projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I use sexuality as a tool to intensify my mind energetic experiences, stimulating with images and sounds to charge these energies within me and eventually with discharging simulating self-movement, not realizing that any mind-movement, such as thoughts, feelings and emotions to accept, generate, re-create – is suppression, the opposite of expression, thus the opposite of living and not seeing the solution right here, which is trust self, learn from mistakes and ACT with consideration, but not with reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not established a quiet place within myself as default, natural self-expression of myself, but I still need to work on myself to negate, let go or prevent to participate in mind-patterns and mind-constructs and also not realizing that once I stop accumulating the WORK on and as SELF HERE, the patterns keep coming back and I eventually react, become and get possessed by my convictions and delusion to a point of not being able to remain fully present in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to immediately realize when I am justifying self-delusion, for instance when I have a commitment to myself to do something, such as writing my blog, yet I still can listen to my thoughts of ‘tomorrow!’ and not realizing the reasons of that justification is obvious procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify one self-dishonesty within me and the next becoming easier as the things to be corrected become more and more to a point of simply giving up and into the temptation of energetic mind-addiction just to feel this virtual, fake self-movement, even when I am aware of that this is not real, relevant, does not accumulate to manifesting what is best – instead of committing myself to absolutely not take any bullshit from myself and stand up as life and honor my potentials with stopping participating within justifications and energetic mind movement addiction.

I got a friend over here last week and we were in this club, wherein he pointed out that we are so inhibited that basically we can’t get the subject of our desire but it is in front of our eyes and what he meant was to pick up ladies although I did not really plan to do that, but as I was observing various ladies and myself, I realized that I kind of have desire to connect, to give and receive, however made it to a kind of closed case because of a bunch of excuses. That this music is crap, this place is uncool, those ladies are drunk, this one has thick ankle, that one is with a man already – not that anything of these matter in being spontaneous and direct, yet with a bunch of those ‘reasons’ I was able to convince myself that this is not worthy to make any effort – yet I was in that club, I was still looking and through all the suppression, seeing desires being triggered within and before acting upon those, judging my desires as not self-honest, thus to just suppress them no matter what.

It seems like that the trap is that I react through judgement, let’s say ‘positive’ first – example – this gadget is so cool, I NEED it – or back to previous point – that lady I like, she looks and acts cool apparently – so there is this positive reaction. But the reason that exists is because the already accepted negative self-judgment. So to deal with these sometimes it can feel like dog is chasing it’s tail, or what was first, the chicken or the egg – positive or negative? In fact both are result of not being self-honesty in the first place, so does it really matter? How one can end up not understanding oneself?

At this point I do not fully listen to myself, not just the reaction, the judgment, but it’s like a drop of rain. Because I am busy with reacting and judging, so that ‘machine’ within me is moving, I am listening to my thoughts, feelings, reactions.
But because of that – I do not see for instance – I would not mind to connect with someone, but not just for an one night ‘stand’ – that I also judge as unworthy. Not that everyone in any club would look for that only. But that is also a projection of my already suppressed and intensified desire: that would be the goal, to have sex for instance – but the whole thing becomes this big campaign and act for something I desire yet I can’t act upon as I also define it as ‘not so cool’.

It can become a trap that I suppress something due to first positive, then negative self-judgments, so then I want it and at the same time also denying it and this creates inner friction, inside a LOT happens in my mind, yet I do not ACT, MOVE, INITIATE, RISK and ENJOY.

Probably, because of the nature of my personality, how I approach judgments, reactions, risks and fear – this carries over through my entire life, not just about partner, gadgets or belonging to certain lifestyles, so ending up in between being honest and dishonest as well.

It’s fascinating to see how these can build up massive waves of reactions, even the most overtaking mind-possessions start with one thought, feeling or emotion and what grows them is the accumulation and repetitive suppression.

I used to define myself as buddhist about a decade ago, before got lucky finding Desteni I Process and stopped all spiritual activity and started to write and work with words and myself directly.
There was a ‘teaching’ about how to transcend desires I remember, some I absolutely have to say NO to, some I have to experience it with fully open mind to realize it’s empty and thus my self-dishonest nature in regarding to understand how and why I self-created this whole thing in my head and I become completely preoccupied with, meanwhile I KNOW that I also simply just could DO THINGS and learn from that directly.

I wrote about fear of making mistakes or fear of failure so many times before, but it does not matter how many times I write or even say self-forgiveness on this one, until I live that self-forgiveness, it also just can become an other suppression.

Specificity and planning, structure and reality-awareness should assist here – for instance, if I desire to find someone to go out with, I have to own and embrace that notion within and to make a self-honest decision, how should I follow up on this one. The current pattern is that I do not do anything about it. Obviously not cool, so I need to push through the resistances, the comfort zone.

From the comfort zone of ‘not making any mistake’, feeling happy – to making mistakes and prevent judging myself about it.

That seems like a pinnacle of simple action to focus to.
Or even to have a screenplay, if I worry so much – and I do not really feel like that but there must be some suppression, because I only expose my inhibition and desire by the inner friction, the fact that I DO NOT MOVE. To plan what to do, say is still better than doing nothing, but the key here is regardless of the outcome, not to judge myself – observer, understand, but to not give into the energetic addiction of participating within positive or negative polarity.
It does not mean should not feel great or bad – it just means instead of the fake ‘action’ of judging myself and situations and others – simply look at it as common sense and scientific research – facts, facts, facts. Nothing personal within someone saying NO to me, but the issue here is that I have tendency to judge myself when not getting what I want.

Thus ending up simply neglecting a lot of aspects of myself, possibilities in this world system by declaring them unworthy of my actions, yet my reactions tell a different story.

This is interesting, will continue further…

Day 420 – Distractions and Problems

IMG_3369This I noted recently:

If I stay in the mind, I forget, I miss, I get distracted

To clarify some things:

I used to fight my mind, it’s easy to blame it, to define as the boogeyman – but it’s just a mechanism, a self-aware consciousness manifestation of all my acceptances and allowances and will always show me my limitation.
It’s easy to fall into the intensity game with energetic experiences as with those I can lift off myself from another energetic experiences and in the meantime it FEELS like movement, velocity, expression – yet it is still self-suppression as I do not live directly in and as the physical with self-trust.

The more I fight – the more I struggle, the more I sink because as I am fighting with myself – I will win, sure, but I also will lose and this path is never ending, yet I do not really change or expand.

Instead of fighting, embracing and calming, stopping and releasing the patterns is more practical and effective.

Within my current DIP Pro course assignment I’ve tapped into a pattern I share here, which is to avoid conflicts.
Because conflicts always get me, I get influenced, dragged into and eventually I will be angry at myself as at least I know that I am always responsible for my anger, being angry at myself. So ended up with suppression, avoiding conflicts with myself and others.

Avoiding conflict with myself results with suppression and not challenging my limitations.

Avoiding conflicts with others results also with suppression and not speaking and speaking up, not directing my life effectively and definitely becoming angry with myself eventually.

So it is something I need to work through with self-forgiveness and self-corrective action.

With my wonderful DIP course buddy, what makes the course more awesome, I got a quite wake-up call by making me aware of the fact that I have problem with the word ‘problem’ as it already initiates an energetic response by default, as based on my past and memory and self-definition – problems are … well, in my head are more problem than they actually are.

This is how I started to walk it:

I forgive myself that I have not realized how I define and avoid anything labeled as problem and making it more than it is in my mind and within that not realizing the overall mood and energetic charge I boost myself into, wherein I spend time with the reactions to the defined problem, instead simply focusing to a situation I am dealing with, letting go the label of problem and the associations to the word ‘problem’.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I carry memories of the past about the word ‘problem’ and seeing, interpreting, making myself feel as it is a ‘boogeyman’, meaning anything problem-atic is something what definitely will make me react, sweat and suffer by default and not allowing myself to naturally grow, to embrace situations without reacting to my judgments about them.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have believed and defined myself to be ineffective, bad, weaken when facing a situation wherein I immediately have to respond to and within that defining ‘real time’ situations/issue/challenges as problematic and not realizing that it is of doubt, fear of mistakes, fear of judgments and fear of consequences, which is not specific to the actual scenario, but (w)allowing myself into the past, because it is ‘known’ and defining that ‘knowledge’ as useful, familiar, safe – yet not realizing that I am locking myself into a conditioning, yet I can also forgive and let go.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the word problem carries signatures of worry, annoyance, chore, tiredness and limitation, and keep accepting myself to exist within this automatic association, instead of forgiving myself for accepting to define, relate and think problem as something not good automatically and thus pre-determining my experiences and moments based on my past.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that problem can be also re-defined, such a something challenging to embrace and grow with by solving and thus also to see that worry and anxiety is never common sense to choose, yet if I fall into, it is me who can and should say STOP when noticing this pattern to emerge from within.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my personality and beingness is influenced and shaped by the consistent reactions to situations what I automatically judge as problematic, difficult, exhausting, annoying and limiting; instead of realizing that the attitude and starting point change from automatic negative association to self-created clarity and emptiness within my mind can assist and support me to grow out of automatic falling into those patterns with presence, breathing with physical awareness and decisions of actions.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I’ve projected ‘problem’ to X.(a person), in general to his personality, behavior and expression, thus anytime meeting him or anyone similar in this regard – automatically rendering myself to keep an eye to a possible, extra problem to need to deal with and thus automatically defining the person as ‘there is a limit of them being with me’ and within that not realizing that what I try to avoid and resist is MY OWN reactions, judgments, projections, because I can’t stop reacting to those, thus making me unstable and unreliable, yet blaming X for that.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I keep blaming people who are not defined by me as simple and predictable, so it is them who make me react, not myself, and thus not focusing to SELF HERE, but to their patterns to judge and justify co-existing with in inner conflict, yet it is a simple decision and action to ALWAYS STOP and PREVENT blame and take the point back to self.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I fear conflicts, because within that I lose control and suppression, pretending and acting, because within conflict I am automatically triggered to radical emotional accumulation, ending up with exerting anger or further suppression; instead of embracing the conflicts I resist and understand them as myself and focusing on solving, transcending them as my own limitations by realizing – everything is as it is, labels I can dissolve to discover what’s here and possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize polarity with word problem to balance with SOLUTION as everything I define as problem needs to be solved or let go or justified why keep accepting and within that not realizing that my stability, expression and self here depends on the definition of solution, problem and within that not realizing that solution can be subjective and free-form as well, not needs to be defined based on my problems.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to exist within the mind-set of problems and solutions, limiting my perception with polarity, energetic experiences and being gullible to react and get distracted by the reactions; instead of developing the skill and ability to keep at point of self-expression HERE, present and directive – and not only to see problems and solutions, but simply trust self and do my best with whatever I encounter.

I forgive myself that I have not worded to myself something what I kept carrying through the decades as ‘problem’, such as “I do not like asking people to do something that I know or believe they dislike or hate doing because I fear being a nuisance to them” and within that immediately realizing that this is not common sense as I can’t know how people would react and also there are situations wherein it does not matter how someone can react to it – because people have agreed roles and responsibilities and based on that, what I have to tell them, does not matter how it would ‘feel’ within them, or within myself – so instead of focusing on living compassion, practicality and effectiveness and with that to consider others and myself, yet also focusing on an approach what does not make me feeling bad, but rather see it as a challenge and something I can even enjoy learning as an ability.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I avoid and fear of conflicts because within those I react, fall into emotions, polarity and self-interest, so trying to avoid those situations, yet not realizing that the very avoidance of that is already self-interest as making me assume that I react, fall apart and become emotional within conflicts, thus self-defining, crystallizing my limitation and not allowing myself to naturally grow out of this pattern with confidence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the key within conflicts and friction to anchor myself HERE into and as physical presence and thus remain present, directive and disciplined with the prevention of reaction, polarity and doubt.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself to be annoyed by becoming a nuisance to people and within that not realizing that I focus to my reactions, based on that focusing to what others might feel and then based on that to define how I should feel about my expression and not realizing the stupidity within such self-deception, instead of focusing on what is required to do in order to apply self-trust and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the reason resisting conflicts and becoming a nuisance to people, because then I would not expect to be judged as a nice guy, as a pattern of someone cool, because then I would judge myself to be not cool, then fearing that to be bad and thus trying to avoid, yet not realizing that friction and conflict is natural in life and thus it is something I have to be comfortable with facing and overcoming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to win other’s judgement and opinion of me being a nice guy because then based on their behavior I would easily judge myself to be a nice person, guy; and thus thriving to that positive affirmation, becoming addicted to and automatically resisting anything that would challenge that – again all based on my own judgments of what is nice, good, positive without realizing before the actual participation.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within the nice guy pattern I do not establish self-agreement and self-support as clarity of what I accept and what I don’t and within that automatically being judged, defined, reacted to by myself when interacting with others, when facing situations what I judge as problematic; instead of taking the time, the self-knowledge, the self-honesty to answer to me – what is acceptable, what is not sustainable to accept, what is practical, what is actually supportive.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the main fuel of my attention, reaction, focus and whole ‘passion’ for me wherein I can generate reactions, positive affirmations, self-soothing responses from others and within that becoming completely dependent and addicted to other’s judgments on me; instead of developing and establishing self-communication, self-trust and self-honesty to realize what’s practical and what’s not, what’s supportive and what’s not, what I actually enjoy and what I don’t.

I commit myself to work with the word and my reactions of ‘problem’ by REAL TIME SELF-FORGIVENESS and self-corrective application to STOP and let the definition go and look at the problems as they really are with self-trust and self-honesty.

Here is an awesome and free interview from EQAFE about heart attack: