Finding out Why Self-soldiering is self-sabotage?
This is going to be a storytelling-type of writing.
During one of my recent DIP course chats something became quite obvious and supportive about my approach to myself and in overall about the whole character of my Process of Self-realization.
I oftentimes do communicate with myself as to a soldier at war. What I mean by that? Using language of very firm, rigid and disciplined way, one almost can perceive the dominant and commanding personality within it. Kind of paints a picture of me being this monk-style robo-mind-samurai, or at least how I approach wording to ask and answer-, in general to communicate with myself.
It’s worth to open that up, especially, because when M. pointed that out in our chat, I immediately added that in real life I am not really like that, especially among others, neither in my approach, expression or communication. Yet this type of ‘self-disciplining’ still being carried as a signature within my writings.
What’s behind of this and why is this harsh style when establishing and clarifying points during self-communication?
Of course, it’s not always the case, but it’s definitely worth to spend time with to specify and re-align.
There are assumptions, already noted insights, however it is important to keep tabs on those to connect more dots together as they can reveal much more under the surface.
Self-judgement, shame and self-doubt are notable immediately, meaning I can judge myself of not doing enough, not being good enough and in general doing stupid things or not doing things I should do.
That judgement can escalate to this kind of subconscious shame of what I have done and why I have not yet completely changed that aspect of myself already. At certain situations what this can result to is that within my tone and choice of words I need absolute and firm power to control those (judged, out of ‘CONTROL’) aspects of myself in order to apply the correction I want to be and become within my living expression.
These are the opening points what are going to be walked further, to dig deeper with self-forgiveness now by wording awareness and responsibility for what I have been accepting and allowing thus far in my life with the recognition that I can do better and more effectively.
At last but not least, to actually self-love – not only by cool gadgets, car parts or music instruments(as oftentimes these are being identified as things to fetch/being excited about) but to see what can be directly lived as words without anything but who I am here.
So – going to rant around several angles – also demon-strating that mind and personality can be investigated from any dimension, and thus self-honesty and realization is always personal and at the same time absolutely impersonal as everyone has the same mind just being depicted with different pictures and words, but at the core it’s all the same, we are all the same, equal, whether we deny it or not, some can see and feel it, some don’t, but it’s still a fact.
So – starting from childhood, my dad and clothing.
I always had this admiration to fighters, soldiers since childhood and would be futile to deny this sort of connection with those kind of people – certainly my looks, pragmatic behavior and in general sort of stoic approach to the ups and downs of life, undemanding lifestyle(except gadgets, car and music instruments – worth to investigate of those choices there, maybe later).
My father was like that as well, he used to be border patrol when I was tiny, motorbike with sidecar, machine gun and always wearing military pants with all kinds of knives and toys in it.
It’s just so comfortable to wear those pants – from desert to forest, from snow to rain, city or village – they are just durable, comfortable with huge pockets and it just does not seem to have any sober sense why someone would not want to wear something like that all the time.
Since some years I’ve pushed myself to wear ‘more normal’ pants, but only for not to be profiled at airports and in cities and thus being harassed by law enforcement unnecessarily. When I had longer hair and these pants – I was searched by police so many times, it’s just so discriminating to be in extremely practical clothes in densely civilized places. Strange…Anyway, at home and when being ‘casual’ I always enjoy being practical with clothing.
As kid I used to assemble model fighter jets, had tons of toy soldiers, guns, swords, weapons and read about these topics for years. In fact I had to be really resistant to be able to avoid the military service, what was mandatory when I was younger.
I was enlisted 7 times to the army and each time I had to find something new and more stronger excuse to avoid it, because although these things are so fascinating, the technology, the agility and gadgets and tools in the military – I truly despise any and all aggression and wars, slavery and deliberate abuse from the core of my beingness with infinite consistency.
After university I strayed to a path of spirituality and psychedelic drugs for several years and even that I did with casual yet pretty obsessive persistence and perseverance, meaning when I was looking at the candle for hours, there was nothing what could distract me except my crazy mind itself distracting me to connect with myself directly…
Although taking high dose of psychedelic drugs as new situations, social events, I’d say it is extremely uncomfortable but as I believed this is what will make me better, I did it for so many times – because I perceived it as a training, a work, a job what has to be done, to face all my shit and become better.
Eventually after quite some years I’ve found my limits with spirituality and drugs and it was not obvious at first as self-honesty started like a tiny sprout but grew day by day and all of a sudden I realized – I am not growing, I am stuck with the same patterns in circles, so I need to keep exploring to reach out to new things, ways, understanding, people.
That’s how I found Desteni and it’s tools, process and the self-forgiveness. Dimensions and all the story, people with it.
Undeniably it was the most mind-blowing thing to realize that everything is on me now, I need to move, change and transcend.
So I started to write self-forgiveness, to release all the emotional turmoil, suppression and delusions I accumulated and carried on.
After years, when I had my daily sessions with my resonances through Desteni Portal at the farm, I’ve been told what I always felt somewhere, that in my previous existence was at many wars and I lived through many.
Some years ago I was the cameraman of an interview done with a veteran sniper, who went to Kobane, Syria, to help liberating it from ISIS with the Kurd’s and the guy was quite incredible, but at the same time insane as well, but still, he very much reminded me to my dad and it was so easy to relate with him on so many levels.
When he described his every day life, how they were cooking while also shooting from their posts and how casually he described to live in war and taking down enemy soldiers one after another. It was not like in most movies, but it is something how I can also see life – how direct, raw and unforgiving can reality escalate to in any second and yet one – you – me – still have to make decisions and life goes on, no matter what. Or it does not but still – that is a choice, which we might not be able to make, so the best seems to be to focus on things we can influence, direct and to just do our best.
Because there just might not be tomorrow. We are at war or not – irrelevant – a car crash, a thunder, a piano falling out from a balcony, a mad bison suddenly rams you over and all opportunities, dreams, plans and desires are gone. SNAP.
So I really appreciate the opportunity being presented here in this life, because although in theory life is precious,- in fact in this system, on this planet it is also kind of cheap.
That attitude right there what is a part of the polarity, why I can be so harsh with myself when I literally do the opposite of that – wasting time, opportunity and effort.
I guess everyone does that, just I can really inflate those in my mind and use it as a bully based on that fear. Not fear of death, but that not worded fear of not yet accomplished.
That’s a big word, what I mean by that is to be able to consistently live without wasting opportunities and do my best, just simply: all the fracking time!
Sounds kind of as a ridiculous expectation.
My mom was also expecting a lot from me in school, our grades were from 1-5, 5 being the best, so when I got a rate of 4 – she seemed pissed and kind of furious sometimes, because she was afraid that I might end up working in a factory – down there with the assembly line, just like her – if I do not push more.
My dad had this stoic approach that – why, son, why bother, we can die at any time – he kept asking my mom, who wanted color TV, water tap and toilet in the house during the ‘socialism’ – why you keep wanting more all the time? Why not being ever satisfied?
So I often felt I am caught in between of them – keep striving for ever more yet also being this guy who wants to live in the sudden moment when the reaper comes.
My mom was also very firm and bossy, at her work, in her relationships and with herself as well, she was able to direct people who were kind of scary, and I always felt like my natural expression is to keep rebelling her no matter what as otherwise I would be just directed by her all the time. From the Alien movies, Ripley reminded to her pretty much, so my longest time relationship with a lady, E., who is similar to this kind of character. I guess it’s not coincidence.
And then actually how often I did make that ex-girlfriend of mine react – and now realizing, my father did the same thing with my mom…
It’s just the idea that my father was able to piss her off so much with simple things kind of made me chuckle for some weird reason, although I kind of realized soon that my father ended up being a loser. My mom was always horrified that I could end up something like him, and in my gestures, physical presentation I am about 90% of him, so that also did not help there. Luckily, my life did not go that way where my father ended up dying with. Anyway.
I never realized the extent of those two people influenced who I am today. Of course, we all know, parents, but until one does not sit down and communicates about without judgments, it’s never that obvious. Specificity is always key.
And my own journey, what spiraled out from this family drama – including my parents with and between my grandparents – at some point I had to make a – seemingly rude and cold – decision to simply separate myself in my mind from my family as they seemed to be so downward spiraling in some sort of cheap soap-opera-like dramatic vortex with consistent arguments, fights, alcohol and hurt mixed up with being very poor and emotionally unstable.
Of course, this self-defined wall of separation from my family mind-set later faded to a certain extent as I found my feet in the world, more specifically: my own salary and financial independence.
So quite early I’ve developed a surreal level of ambition. It literally felt like endless energy, I would even assume, that could be referred as the power of the dark side in the Star wars games, because it seems truly powerful. Yet most self-and others-abusive as well. Just I did not know that then. Neither that this is kind of the mastery of self-interest, referred as the dark side.
Well, not literally, I did not end up killing young jedi kids, but to be honest, oftentimes with some friends we were enjoying some weird twist of energetic reactions by talking about creepy stuff, like massacring people. That seemed weird. Not that I ever tortured anything or anyone, except in a silly getting to the nerves of my sister by my cringe humor – it’s just when people are powerless and emotional, they think and say stupid things for feeling better momentarily.
To be fair – it does not really matter which direction someone taps in the mind’s energy vampirism, negative or positive – it’s all the same. When you keep imagining beautiful and harmonic, blissful, rainbow-sparkling mandala fields or only focusing to the ‘positive’ – it is just as effective self-fuckery as the negative, because delusion is delusion anyway. We suck our own life-force of the physical to fuel this mind-prison of perception just to not experience the cruel and raw reality within and around us, ending up not being able to even perceive what is really going on, thus obviously losing any chance to take responsibility for it or be able to actually change it or ourselves.
Anyway, I always wanted to control myself to not being self-sabotaged by emotions, as they literally blinded my greatly self-appreciated clinically clean logical processing, but this ended up creating a lot of suppression, what periodically and naturally peaked into mind-possessions and sort of emotional rages as there is only so much the body and mind can take.
And after that I felt shameful, shy and defeated, so that resulted into even more ambition and desire to be free of this shit in me, this loop of lack of self-control.
I have some ideas about this beast inside of me and I know it’s power, it seems immense, and this knowledge itself can cause possession within people, although I was glad to let that go by the age of 22, about 17 years ago. And that beast I do not really dramatize, that’s like a trapped animal, what luckily I learned how to tame and embrace more or less.
The residue, the refraction’s of my past, after 10 years of walking desteni process of self-realization and self-forgiveness with writing and sounding words in responsibility is that at times I fall back into this cycle of perception and experience of beast vs tamer, lack of and total control.
And it’s of course about self-trust, self-love and self-respect, but again – without specificity, it’s like when someone says – I want to make a blockbuster movie, ‘has to be an awesome action movie with philosophy and beauty, drama and fun’ – no one can make that by this little of specificity – everything has to be specifically understood from the smallest scene from bottom to top, what is on scene, where, how and why, what is the light, the motion, the mood, the actors, the props, the camera – and it’s often not being taken at first shot, needs to repeat at 5, 10, 30 times until it’s the one!
So they rely on screenplay, script, planning, orchestration, reality-awareness.
Although everything is fake, made-up and make-belief – what is in front of camera has to be with absolute direction in reality. Reproduce-able and sort of effortless. Well, optimally.
Same with self-expression, change and self-realization. It’s not just ‘I forgive myself for doing stupid shit, from now on I want to be the best of myself’ – one has to be really specific.
I am doing this self-digging because of the way my process is, the self-soldiering is just not effective and not quite enjoyable in particular at some times. Too much effort on this power-play, control and raw force, what with is difficult to be very specific.
Of course, sometimes one goes with the flow but that works better when there is self-trust established and when it’s not, it’s common sense to become that at first, which means to prevent going into the same old self-doubt, self-judgment, self-sabotaging loops.
And for those, one has to investigate one’s life, every day living, situations, inner reactions, to be able to see EXACTLY the physical timeline with clarity on inner reality, experiences, cross-referenced with body, physical experiences, with outside reality, others and to see what is self-honest, what is self-dishonest and act accordingly.
So that’s just fascinating – movies are cool, but our own life hides and contains so much to discover and explore, regardless of who we are, where we are, what we do.
If I list up how many self-definition loops I’ve went through already in my life, who I defined myself to be and then moved along and never again – it’s truly ridiculous and in fact funny to consider that my current state would be already the one and final of who I always will remain to be. So that can give a sort of natural hint of self-introspection that I should be more critical about who I accept myself to be today or who I plan to become tomorrow, and then by investigating how exactly.
So that’s it for now about self-soldiering and why it’s time to let go that – and in the next post will continue with self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements.
One more thing to add – this EXCEPTIONAL support what really clicks to this story of mine is about the NEUTRAL state of the mind. Should be taught in elementary schools. Definitely will do blog/vlog about that in relation to my life later.